An Update on the Situation R2D2

[R2D2]

Dear All,

As the last thread was rightly closed by the moderator (I knew that the content could provoke this), I wanted to update you all on the situation and have the opportunity to thank everyone for their contribution.

Obviously, the situation hasn't changed. But thanks to your help, I have been able to accept the situation and the fact that a baby is on the way.

I have decided that the scan will definitely help to pin point if the baby is likely to be mine. If it is mine, then obviously I will help financially - including before it is born, if I am convinced that it is mine. I will make no decisions about my involvement with the child until I am in a clear position. I know now for a fact the child's mother would be happy for us to 'give things a go' but still not convinced that this would be a sensible option in best interests of all concerned.

Just wanted a chance to show the impact you have all had on the situation and thank you all so very much.

 

[HeppiBean]

I'm glad things are looking up. I hope you manage to work something out x

 

[Piglet10]

im glad uve sorted things in ur head! xx

 

[l_maclean]

Thats good to hear. hope it works out, what ever happens.
xxx

 

[Sarah13]

Good to hear your a bit clearer about everything. Hope it all works out

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Have just read previous posts.. I'll keep my opinions to myself I hope everything works out for you both

 

[Olive]

I've read but not commented. All the best to you. Keep us posted.

 

[Sleepy sue]

Good luck to all concerned x x

 

[Young Mum 21 x]

good to hear from u again wishing you all the best xxxx

 

[FebMum2Be]

Glad things are clearer for you now, good luck, and we are always here to help x

 

[R2D2]

Hello.

Made contact today and had a chat. Despite the fact that I was calm and explained that I hadn't been in contact for a few days so as to clear my head, she reacted badly towards me telling me how selfish I would be if I decided to not be involved and that she didn't want to get into this mess etc.

I explained that neither of us wanted this situation, yet we were both responsible. She wasn't very happy about the fact that I still queried the dates and has decided that it's best not to come to the scan. She mentioned DNA test when it's born as we were talking birth certificates. My understanding, and I stand to be corrected, is that the mother names who she believes the father to be. If necessary, the father can contest this for DNA. Or mother may choose to do DNA test first. She said she'll put it as unknown if I am not there at the birth. I then said that she would need to name me in order for CSA to set up a child maintenance account - surely, they can only do this to a named father?

Despite the fact that she is upset, and that apparently her dad might decide to take matters into his own hands, I did still say that I still liked her as a person and would never make a situation uncomfortable (we have social scenerios where our paths could possible cross over the next couple of weeks). I was then abruptly told that my opinions of her didn't matter. Felt a little stressed after as was very calm and tried to be as kind as possible. Told her I had my head around her decision to go ahead, and although it wouldn't be my decision and that I feel that guys have NO say whatsoever in these situations, I would have to respect her decision and take responsibility if it's mine. I said that I didn't know what I wanted long term at the moment and could just cope with the idea that the scan in the next milestone.

She has agreed to let me have a copy of the scan when it happens. At least that is something, I guess.

Feel like two steps back really today I know her emotions are running high but she has to respect the fact that the one thing I do have choice on is my involvement. I explained that I just can't get my head around it all at the moment - the logistics, the fact that we aren't in a relationship.

Perhaps you think I am being selfish, and like I said to her, I may well be. But that's a reason that in this circumstance I don't feel that I want to be a parent.

Thanks for your support, everyone. New day tomorrow.

 

[Piglet10]

just to let you know that even if she doesnt allow u to scan it will say scan dates and estimated dates on the scan so you will know when she conceived, hope this helps xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

None of my scan pics have EDD on them.. Only way of seeing mine is in my notes... I've had 6 scans in two diff hospitals and neither put EDD on scan pic.. So that may not be the case for you, sorry.
I'd still ask her to attend. Try and be a bit more supportive of her and not so focused on how this is affecting you, you can walk away.. She can't. Don't make assumptions she planned this, that's not fair. She may be as devastated as you! Women react differently and she is also getting hormones from this pregnancy.
She has suffered loss and is probably why she won't decide to willingly go through that again. You can't judge her on that past situation as you have not got all the facts. I feel your being unfair on her tbh.

Be supportive of her and you'll get what you need to know. You go in there with that negative attitude of course she won't want you there.
That's all I'm going to say as I wasn't going to before..
Good luck

 

[nik106]

I don't think that's how it works with birth certificates, at least it never used to be. I think if the mother is married to the named father, she can name him without him being there otherwise, the father must be there too - my dad isn't on mine, they weren't married when they had me and he couldn't be bothered to take a day off work to go down

 

[suzzi]

sorry to be blunt but i think your on the wrong site for this! deep down it seems like you dont want the baby or the girl, and in my opinion with the way you word things you seem like you can manipulate the situation to suit you.

back off! have a dna test as soon as baby is born and then if it is yours step up to your responsibilities there are too many 'dads' who fail there children and use the excuse that they didnt want them, you enjoyed yourself at the time and are old enough to know where not using protection could lead.

you say her dad isnt happy, how do your parents/family feel!!

 

[Jayceesmumma]

He has to sign the birth certificate for parental responsibility. If you do decide to be in your child's life you'll need to do that or you'll have no say in any aspect of the child's life. School, medical, where it lives etc.. Yes she can get money from you from the CSA but end of the day even if your not envolved you should still financially support your child. Then when it grows up it will know you didn't totally leave them high and dry. and if DNA proves your not the father then the CSA can't do anything.
I would hate to have 'father unknown' on my bc or my children's. Even though their 'dad' never sees them.

Someone mentioned a valid point before, don't be in and out.. You either in or out of that child's life. My eldest had her dad in and out and it's affected her BADLY, my youngest has never met him and she is the happiest little girl ever!
You can still be a dad without being with the mother. Just make a choice and stick to it. Not right now of course, I'd wait til the baby is born and see how you feel then.

 

[nik106]

I would hate to have 'father unknown' on my bc or my children's. Even though their 'dad' never sees them.

Its not so bad, i thought about adding him now i'm older, but to be honest, i realised a while back that i didn't really care enough about it, its just a piece of paper. Of course my dad has continually backed up his can't be bothered attitude throughout my life, so maybe that's why it doesn't bother me

 

[R2D2]

I'm sorry that someone feels that I am trying to manipulate the situation to suit myself. Not at all. I can't manipulate this situation to suit myself. I wouldn't be in this situation if I could manipulate it.

I've said all along that I accept the fact that I am responsible for this conception - both of us are. I've also said that I do think it's very unfair that I have no choices or options in what happens next. Imagine this sceneario in reverse - I wanted it and she didn't. I would still have no say or option.

I have said all along that I would financially support this child. I KNOW that is my responsibility to do so; however, I won't do that until I am satisfied, via DNA or if I feel clearer after the scan, that the baby is mine. I am not trying to back out of that. Yes, financially it will cripple me. Looking at how much it will cost, I won't be able to afford to live where I am now and it will mean big changes - that's tough though.

My plan was that I was going to work abroad for a few years within the next year. I don't see realistically how I can do that and be there for the child. I am only being honest but that's why I don't really want to be a parent in this scenario. I will be committed to limited and part-time parenthood, yet can't fulfil all of my ambitions and dreams. Selfish? Yes, perhaps. But then that's why I don't think I am ready to do this now. A different situation - if I was in a steady relationship and my girlfriend was having a baby, I'd be pleased. But this is not the case. We don't have the history or the unity to raise this child together.

I feel that I have made every effort to keep things civil - she is definitely angry that I have challenged the dates and I said that I can understand that she would be. I said that I know it could well be mine but would want to be 100 per cent sure. I've said that I am not making any long term decisions at this point as, until I know the outcome of the scan, I don't know where my head and heart will lie on all of this. I am not going to pretend suddenly that I am overjoyed - I am not. I am not going to give her false hope that there's potential that we could 'give things a go' - I don't think that there is. All I know is that I have one choice in all of this; that is my involvement once it's born. That has to be my choice and isn't something which anyone should force somebody into. Different, I agree, if there was a relationship between the mother and father.

I can understand that some of you will have completely different prospectives on this scenario. Still grateful for your responses though

 

[l_maclean]

I disagree that you are in the wrong place for advice - this forum is about pregnancy and parenthood, and that is what your needing advice about. Im sure there are women on here who have found them selves pregnant unintentionally and needing advice. You just need to remember that it is mostly females on here so your thinking about not being involved with "your" child will be an emotional issue for a lot of us.

It sounds like you are trying to be sensible - im sure this situation isnt easy for either of you - but try to remember that she will be more emotional, from hormones and the fact that after having a mc she's probably scared as well, which may be making her say things she doesnt really mean.

Im probably in a vast minority of women, especially on here, who does feel that it is slightly unfair that the choice to continue a pregnancy is solely down to the women - but its her body and there is no way round that.

The only advice I would give is that if this child is yours - you need to think very very carefully about deciding not to be invloved - cos once you've made that decision it would be very hard to change your mind - and would effect the child for the rest of its life.

xxx

 

[Laura_C]

From what i've read of both threads I can understand your feelings and it does seem that fathers have very little say when it comes down to it - it is very unfair. I could go on about how you should of used protection everytime blah blah but we all know that and unfortunately your in this situation. I would say from the dates given it's not clear whether you are the father still. Tbh if I was her in this situation I would want who I believed to be the father present at the scans, if he didn't want to be fine but I personally would really push for you to be there. I would be totally open and happy to share any info in my pregnancy notes or for you to attend any appointments you see fit. I would want you to be a part of it for the childs sake.

Most hospitals will only put the EDD inside the report in the notes - not on the scan picture - so you still wouldn't be clear about how many weeks she was with just the scan picture. That in itself won't tell you much. I would try to be present if you can. If you are the father you have every right. The private scan I had showed weeks gestation so I suppose it depends on the hospital.

The way I see it is this is a once in a lifetime thing and it could come back to bite later in life or you could end up with terrible regrets about the whole situation - at least if you try to get to the bottom of it at the earliest possible opportunity you will all know where you stand and this child will have a better start in life.

To add to the above - I actually became pregnant after taking the MAP, me and my husband had a baby in the November (planned pregnancy) unfortunately he wasn't due until January but had to be delivered early and he passed away 2 days later I fell pregnant only three months after his loss after an 'accident' and took the MAP as I just didnt feel ready. I fell pregnant regardless and I took it 26 hours after we DTD. Luckily for us we are married and have been previously TTC a baby so it was very much welcomed although the timing was a little difficult. We didn't even know if it was safe for me to carry another child at this point so I was very concerned. It proved to me that the MAP is not very effective at all and I would never rely on it ever again!

Ive previously taken the contrceptive pill for 6 years with no problems or unexpected pregnancies so I'm confident that that works!

I really hope you get to the bottom of all this, I can totally understand where you are coming from and you actually sound very sensible, there is nothing wrong with having ambition and wanting the best in life as long as you take care of your responsibilities. I can also see it from the other side too, having lost two babies myself.

Failing all else, then it seems you will be looking at a DNA test once baby is here...

Good luck with everything x