Am I being unreasonable - Step Child and potential risk to my own 2

[Babylicious81]

My boyfriend has two children from a previous marraige, same as myself, we are expecting our first together. His son is 11 years old and autistic, hes a lovely kid but his mum has recently told us he has started to play with himself and make himself wet.

They stay 2 weekends a month and 2 full weeks a year. He shares a room with my soon to be 5 year old son.

We also have 2 daughters 12 and 13. Whilst his daughter understands these things my daughter would not as she was exposed to some abuse as a 6 year old by her natural father.

We had a massaive row last night over it where I said that if he was to do that here with my son around or in front of the girls then he couldnt sleep here any more and he would have to make alternative arrangements for him.

I understand its hard for him but I have to think about my two children and our unborn baby.

Am I being unfair?

 

[wifeywifey]

I understand your thought but if he was your child would you say the same? I think there is better ways to deal with it than stoping him coming. Remember he is just a child and autistic. I think you and oh should look at finding a way to deal with it. In ohs eyes you are stoping him spending time with his child. I also get the impression that you are worried about him abusing your children in some way however you tell us he is doing what normal boys do growing up only difference is he doesn't understand privacy.

I'd put yourself in ohs shoes and see what you would say.
Good luck and hope you can sort it, it must be hard.

 

[J_Anne]

I understand your thought but if he was your child would you say the same? I think there is better ways to deal with it than stoping him coming. Remember he is just a child and autistic. I think you and oh should look at finding a way to deal with it. In ohs eyes you are stoping him spending time with his child. I also get the impression that you are worried about him abusing your children in some way however you tell us he is doing what normal boys do growing up only difference is he doesn't understand privacy.

I'd put yourself in ohs shoes and see what you would say.
Good luck and hope you can sort it, it must be hard.

I completely agree. How would anyone explain to his son why he can no longer stay with his dad? You can't punish a child for growing up. I can understand it will be difficult, I hope you find a way to work it out.x

 

[Babylicious81]

We don't live together x

 

[lisey]

I don't think its very fair to exclude this child from being able to stay with his dad. My son has autism and if he was excluded from something simply cos he was growing up an going through puberty I would be devestated. He doesn't understand the social boundaries that come with it. Just cos he is doing this, doesnt mean he will abuse your children, he just doesn't know that it should be done privately.
It would be better to go through a 'social story' with him, try to explain to him that he can't do it publicly etc.
I agree with the others, put yourself in your boyfriends shoes, imagine if he said one of your children couldnt stay with you because of something they do due to their disability. if my OH said it to me, he would be single.
I can understand 100% you not wanting your children to see it, could your younger son not share with his sisters on the days he stays? I know it may seem unfair to move your son into another room but it may make you feel more comfortable. I hope you find a solution x

 

[l_maclean]

Sorry, I have to agree. If it was your son would you be saying the same thing.

I think you need to figure out a way to compromise. The boy needs help to learn the social meanings behind that - how 'autistic' is he - could he be given some private space in your house that he can take himself off to if he needs/wants to do that.

If he genuinely is unable to understand its not appropriate to do this infront of people, then I'm afraid you will have to educate you're children about his 'illness'

While I understand that previous abuse will mean this is difficult for your daughter, you will have to broach sexual education at some point.

Xxx


On my iPhone - so cant see tickers

 

[Squeakz]

Sorry, I have to agree. If it was your son would you be saying the same thing.

I think you need to figure out a way to compromise. The boy needs help to learn the social meanings behind that - how 'autistic' is he - could he be given some private space in your house that he can take himself off to if he needs/wants to do that.

If he genuinely is unable to understand its not appropriate to do this infront of people, then I'm afraid you will have to educate you're children about his 'illness'

While I understand that previous abuse will mean this is difficult for your daughter, you will have to broach sexual education at some point.

Xxx


On my iPhone - so cant see tickers

Completely agrre and couldnt have put it better xx

 

[LikeJohnnYoko]

My two pennyworth.

So this lad has just discovered masturbation and that it feels good. Does he actually touch himself around his siblings or is this some kind of leap your mind has made because he's autistic? I would be looking to educate yourself in what it truly means to be autistic and how to best support your stepson in this transition towards adulthood, rather than seeing him as a threat to your own child?

The age he is at is a perfectly natural age for this experimentation to occur. If, due to his development, he doesn't know it's inappropriate to do that in public, it needs kind and consistent re-enforcing that it is perfectly okay to touch himself in private, when he is alone, but only in his bedroom or the bathroom (whatever your preference for his privacy) but that it's not okay to do that with other people around.

Please, please see him as a child, not a threat to your children. He is their brother and he needs care, guidance and understanding. I feel desperately sad that you would take this leap towards banning your boyfriends' son from your home. Were I your boyfriend this would be a deal breaker for me.

I am sorry that your daughter has been a victim of abuse, but I would urge you to properly read up, talk to your OH and gain a deeper understanding of what autism means for your stepson (due to it being a spectrum, it varies greatly.) as discovering himself does not mean your children are in any way at risk around him.

 

[Squeakz]

again having not known much about your situation just from what is here, now that masturbation and becoming sexually aware is something that is obviously central in the houosehold at the moment could you maybe take your daughter to a counsillor to help discuss this step and development that is being discovered right now. Someone who can maybe help to explain to your daughter what the situation is carefully but so that she is aware of whats going on and that the act itself is not a risk iyswim. So helping to educate your daughter on that what her brother is doing is a natural development in a persons life and can be healthy etc. Please i hope that i explained myself properly there as it was meant in a positive context....

As well as educating yourselves (mother father and yourself and children) about how to deal with the boy in question with regards to helping him have that freedom but also knowing all the constraints that it comes with?! x

 

[babyem]

again having not known much about your situation just from what is here, now that masturbation and becoming sexually aware is something that is obviously central in the houosehold at the moment could you maybe take your daughter to a counsillor to help discuss this step and development that is being discovered right now. Someone who can maybe help to explain to your daughter what the situation is carefully but so that she is aware of whats going on and that the act itself is not a risk iyswim. So helping to educate your daughter on that what her brother is doing is a natural development in a persons life and can be healthy etc. Please i hope that i explained myself properly there as it was meant in a positive context....

As well as educating yourselves (mother father and yourself and children) about how to deal with the boy in question with regards to helping him have that freedom but also knowing all the constraints that it comes with?! x

I agree.

Were this any other child who didnt have extra needs then maybe id be more inclined to agree. However he obviously doesnt understand or see it in the same way as say your other children would. He needs extra support to understand about his body and sexuality rather than being punished for, lets face it, a completely natural and normal thing that we all experience. Xx

Tapping x

 

[lisey]

My two pennyworth.

So this lad has just discovered masturbation and that it feels good. Does he actually touch himself around his siblings or is this some kind of leap your mind has made because he's autistic? I would be looking to educate yourself in what it truly means to be autistic and how to best support your stepson in this transition towards adulthood, rather than seeing him as a threat to your own child?

The age he is at is a perfectly natural age for this experimentation to occur. If, due to his development, he doesn't know it's inappropriate to do that in public, it needs kind and consistent re-enforcing that it is perfectly okay to touch himself in private, when he is alone, but only in his bedroom or the bathroom (whatever your preference for his privacy) but that it's not okay to do that with other people around.

Please, please see him as a child, not a threat to your children. He is their brother and he needs care, guidance and understanding. I feel desperately sad that you would take this leap towards banning your boyfriends' son from your home. Were I your boyfriend this would be a deal breaker for me.

I am sorry that your daughter has been a victim of abuse, but I would urge you to properly read up, talk to your OH and gain a deeper understanding of what autism means for your stepson (due to it being a spectrum, it varies greatly.) as discovering himself does not mean your children are in any way at risk around him.

As a mother of a son with autism, this is spot on and beautifully put x

 

[Merfairy]

Hi, I don't think your being unreasonable in what your thinking, I would to be concerned. I think there has to be a way around this, maybe explain to your daughters what is going on with the son, so they have a better understanding and maybe they will be able to help keep things in check when the son is around the other children, get some info on Autism for them to read.

Regarding masterbation, it is normal for children to go through this, but most kids would recognise there is a time and a place for this, maybe with this lad there isn't that and I would be concerned around to risk to my younger children in your circumstances, you should not be condemned for being worried. Because if he doesn't understand there is a time and a place for this behaviour, then your other children may mimic this and you don't want that.

If the boy is Autistic there must be a care plan of sorts in place through a social worker or someone similar, I would suggest you speak to them or arrange a meeting; if there is no extra support in place then I would think about encouraging the family to seek extra help as this problem could escalate to outside the home if it is not nipped in the bud. I understand you anger and why you argued with your OH about it, but it needs to be dealt with at home with his mum and dad needs to be involved.

The trouble is the Autistic spectrum is so wide its knowing where he is on the scale; then understanding what you can and can't do regarding these types of issues that come up. It needs to be sorted with apropriate agencies for all involved. Try not to fight about it try and look at how best you can deal with it and stop it getting worse. Hope this helps; good luck. x

 

[CARNAT22]

We don't live together x

I am not sure what you mean? You say that the boys share a room?

Am I correct that you don't live with OH but when he has his kids they all come and stay with you and you want this to stop? So he will still come and stay with his Dad but they will not come to you?

 

[babyem]

I wouldnt be asking siblings or children to help 'keep.check' on a situation like this, I dont find it appropriate. I think they shoild be made aware in a way but not to try and solve the problem xx

x Lexi-Mai Louise Birkett's Mummy x Sharing a birthday with her baby boy buddies Ethan and Aaron!! x

 

[lisey]

Hi, I don't think your being unreasonable in what your thinking, I would to be concerned. I think there has to be a way around this, maybe explain to your daughters what is going on with the son, so they have a better understanding and maybe they will be able to help keep things in check when the son is around the other children, get some info on Autism for them to read.

Regarding masterbation, it is normal for children to go through this, but most kids would recognise there is a time and a place for this, maybe with this lad there isn't that and I would be concerned around to risk to my younger children in your circumstances, you should not be condemned for being worried. Because if he doesn't understand there is a time and a place for this behaviour, then your other children may mimic this and you don't want that.

If the boy is Autistic there must be a care plan of sorts in place through a social worker or someone similar, I would suggest you speak to them or arrange a meeting; if there is no extra support in place then I would think about encouraging the family to seek extra help as this problem could escalate to outside the home if it is not nipped in the bud. I understand you anger and why you argued with your OH about it, but it needs to be dealt with at home with his mum and dad needs to be involved.

The trouble is the Autistic spectrum is so wide its knowing where he is on the scale; then understanding what you can and can't do regarding these types of issues that come up. It needs to be sorted with apropriate agencies for all involved. Try not to fight about it try and look at how best you can deal with it and stop it getting worse. Hope this helps; good luck. x

People with autism lack social awareness and understanding of what is appropriate, he is not a danger to anyone because of this he is just growing up and doing what every other child his own age does. I agree that its not nice for the other children but the fact of the matter is, he has autism and can't help these behaviours. It is unlikely the other children will copy-because they would have social awareness.
I agree that there could be some help and advice from his school, psycologists etc on ways to help him understand that this is private.
I get so annoyed with people saying its ok to be angry about these things, he is a child with a disability-he cannot help it...People need to have more consideration and compassion to people with learning disabilities. If my OH argued with me about my sons behaviours then he would be out the door in a second.

 

[babyem]

Totally agree!
I think because autism like many learning disabilities and mental health problems for that matter cant be seen like a physical disability some people disregard it as being a reason behind inappropriate behaviour in public, not being able to work or even just having an off day. Imo, it is ignorance, and we have a long way to go in our society for this type of thing to be accepted unfortunately. Xx

x Lexi-Mai Louise Birkett's Mummy x Sharing a birthday with her baby boy buddies Ethan and Aaron!! x

 

[lisey]

Totally agree!
I think because autism like many learning disabilities and mental health problems for that matter cant be seen like a physical disability some people disregard it as being a reason behind inappropriate behaviour in public, not being able to work or even just having an off day. Imo, it is ignorance, and we have a long way to go in our society for this type of thing to be accepted unfortunately. Xx

x Lexi-Mai Louise Birkett's Mummy x Sharing a birthday with her baby boy buddies Ethan and Aaron!! x

Totally agree, people tut and comment and stare when my son behaves in a way that they see as unusual but they wouldn't do this to someone with a physical disability, that would be unacceptable and yet its ok to react that way to an innocent child who finds some situations difficult etc. Its ignorance and people being single-minded. I hope one day people have the same respect, care and compassion for people with learning/mental disabilities as what they do for people with physical disabilities x

 

[babyem]

Couldnt of put it better!
If we cant support thw vulnerable in our society and community then this world is a very sorry place indeed x

x Lexi-Mai Louise Birkett's Mummy x Sharing a birthday with her baby boy buddies Ethan and Aaron!! x

 

[russellmuscle]

I'm sorry I have to agree with most of the girls.

Also, imo - you got with this man knowing that his son has autism so before this you should have educated urself and prepared yourself as best you could.

It is perfectly normal for a child going through puberty to explore - I think you and OH should chat about how you should approach it with the children and educate everyone.

xxxxx

 

[babyslog]

This is quite upsetting to read as my nephew is 8 and has autism.. and i would HATE for him to be singled out for something like this that every child would go through by the age of 11/12 onwards.

Just because hes autistic doesnt make him a risk to your children. Hes not a monster.
He just needs to understand what hes doing he needs to do in private!