am i being a complete b*tch? :(

[purple13]

my MIL really wants to be at the hospital when i'm in labour... i originally said ok, but that she'd be hanging around in a waiting room til after the baby was born and i was ready for visitors. but now its getting closer to the date and i've thought about it some more, i really don't want her - or anyone else apart from OH - at the hospital. OH has told her, but i know its hurt her feelings. i just feel like it would be pressure that i really don't need - an audience waiting for the show to start sort-of-thing. i want a quiet peaceful birth (in an ideal world) and having MIL hovering around waiting for me to push trog into the world so she can get her cuddle with her grandchild doesn't fit into that...

she's driving me a bit potty at the moment - this is the 1st grandchild on both sides, and while my dad's just being really quietly supportive and lovely, MIL keeps giving me advice that i just don't want to hear. its probably all very good advice, but (as some of you know) my mum died a couple of years ago, and TBH, if i can't get advice from her, i really don't want it from my MIL.

OH is being lovely cos he knows how much i'm missing my mum and understands. but MIL can get quite sulky if she doesn't get her way and i don't want her making life difficult

 

[Bee]

I don't think u are being nasty - its your choice. Just explain to her that u have changed your mind and would prefer it if it was just u and your OH so u wouldn't have to worry about her hanging about waiting.

U could be in labour for AGES so she's better off at home waiting and when u give birth u might not want any visitors at the hospital.

My mum is going to be there but she is my birthing partner - I don't think I will want anyone else to come to the hospital. I'd rather see people in the comfort of my own home.

 

[purple13]

thanks bee that's it - i want to be back at home, looking less bedraggled, and feeling comfortable with my baby before the rest of the world descends on us...

 

[KJL]

Nope you are definately not being a bitch I 100% understand your decision. My hubby and I have decided that we will be the only ones at the hospital as we want to have a private experience and don't want people crowding around us the minute the baby is born. My family understand this totally, and I think your MIL should understand too. My family will turn up when we had some time alone and I am ready to see people. My SIL just had a baby and her mother died last year, she asked all the family and friends if they would mind giving her space when the baby was born as she wanted to be alone with her hubby and very immediate family initially (her dad and sis). Everybody totally understood and nobody was offended. I would explain to your MIL as tactfully as you can and if she decides to sulk then that's her problem and not yours. This is YOUR experience and you should have it however you want it to be.

 

[daftscotslass]

Go with what you want and it seems you have a lovely OH who will support you through it. Put your foot down!

I'm in a slightly similar situation with my parents in law who are coming to see us as soon as possible after the birth (they live in Holland). I had no problem with that at all until I found out they wanted to stay in what they call "their room" in our house (I have ALWAYS called it the spare room, it's now baby's room). I get on with them really well most of the time but I know that I couldn't cope with them staying only a couple of weeks after we've got home... I was hormonal enough last time I saw them and can't imagine how I'll be after LO is born. Thankfully my OH is supportive and is about to tell them they can visit if they stay in a B&B!

 

[Bee]

Its ok

I don't really want to be sat in hospital looking like shit with people hanging round me. I'd rather get used to the baby then let people come and visit when I feel more comfortable. I might let my sis and my nephew come but I'm close to them (probably closer than u are to your MIL)

I can understand your MIL will be excited and just wants to be part of the action. My mum was the same when my nephew was born and she was a bit put out about not being at the hospital but once the baby was born she forgot all about it

 

[Full of hope!]

My M.I.L has been driving me mad lately too, in fact last week hubby and I upset her by telling her to stop bothering me She was ringing everyday to see if there was any sign of the baby and I wasn't even past my due date.... it really started to annoy me!

Anyway, yesterday we had a talk I told her that once we have had the baby and spent a few hours together as a family, DH would let everyone know he was here. They could then come to the hospital to see him I also told her that when we get home we want time alone as a family as we have a Bullmastiff so need to get her used to the baby before everyone starts coming round and fussing him!

I've also told her that if I need help, I will ask for it and I don't want her to be round fussing all the time!

I might of been a bit harsh with her but I feel better knowing that she understands what I want. DH is very supportive and agrees with me which is great

At the end of the day, you do what YOU want. It's your baby and your experiance and you will never get the first few hours of your baby's life back again, you want to enjoy it as a family! Best of luck

 

[loz]

I agree with everyone - you dont need any extra stress when you are giving birth! I would tell her that you will contact her when you are ready, but not to come to the hospital until you let her know. I certainly dont want anyone else there apart from OH.

 

[muppetmummy]

I don't blame you! I wouldn't want my MIL there. though OH is talking about her about her hanging around in the waiting room with james. I don't want her or James there listening to me screaming, it's only a small midwife unit so they are bound to here. It would also be boring for james hanging around for hours waiting. I'd rather they took him home with them

 

[Natural mamma]

She's a had a baby so i'm sure she will understand...i hope

 

[GBLiz]

i have a similar problem with an overexcited MIL.....she's not going to be there at the birth but i know she'll want to BE THERE to 'help' as soon after as she can get herself down to us, even though ive thanked her nicely and said we'll be fine thank you very much and it would be claustrophobic.

I know they're excited because its first granchildren etc but what possesses them to force themselves there , if someone you knew had a baby wouldnt you just give them time and look forward to getting you invite to see the new arrival?

its stress you dont need! Ive managed to stave off my MIL coming to stay for A WEEK but im still feeling stressed thinking about her visiting at all now cos i know she has no understanding that i might not want someone there !

hope you resolve your situation ok, you're just gonna have to explain you've changed your mind , or get your OH to explain to her and make sure she understands its causing you stress!!!

 

[Happybunny]

I don't think you are a bitch at all, I think it is a very common worry and you have every right to say 'no thank you'.
I am worried about a similar thing happening and feeling pushed out as all the in laws pass my child around like a pass-the-parcel game.
We are going to tell family that we don't want any visitors whilst in hospital.
(In fact we are secretly planning not to tell them about the baby until we get home!!)

 

[UmmAli]

I'm sure you MIL only wants the best for you...at the same time, you are the mother, so you and your husband are the only ones that matter and you should have your way, definitely

 

[purple13]

gosh, i'm so glad its not just me - thanks girls

although, last night i had the same dream about 3 times - i was in labour and at the hospital, and MIL was there running up and down the corridors shrieking and whooping and yelling!! then i got really angry and told her to go home, and she sat down on the floor in the middle of the waiting room and solidly refused to go. so i was left bawling my eyes out and screaming at her, whilst she kept saying "its my grandchild and i'm not going anywhere, ner ner ner ner ner"

OH says the message has got through though. i'm so glad its just gonna be me, OH and trog together for a while first.

 

[Full of hope!]

Glad it's all sorted

 

[sazzylou]

Put your foot down with her. Its harsh, but ive said to my mum and his that we need time as a family, and not to sound rude, but they've had their kids and this is OUR baby and our experience. If they dont respect that i'll end up pushing them away.

I dont want any visitors at all in hospital. My family and OH's crowded me when i had beth, i had 9 visitors around me at one point. Not 1 peson phoned and asked if they could come in, and not 1 was invited. Ive got loads of pics of me on the ward with my visitors, all passing my baby around, and in every single one i look like im gonna cry or punch someone, lol

Im just not having it this time. My mums already offered to bring Beth in and i said no, Martin will bring her in so the 4 of us can be on our own. I want privacy for my DD to meet her new little sister without anyone else getting involved.

Im a lot worse this time, and more over protective because they all ruined my experience with my last baby. They were all excited, but i think what they did was quite selfish....im ranting now

You do whats best for you. Once that experience is gone, you cant get it back. make sure its how you want it

 

[purple13]

aw hon - that just sounds like my worst nightmare, and to be honest, is exactly what i'm trying to avoid!

i don't want to fall out with my MIL, but she isn't very empathetic sometimes - i think our experience would be the same as your first one if i didn't say something now...

hope it's better for you this time round! xxx

 

[sazzylou]

thanks

Ive already told my mum to tell our side of the family not to come to the hospital at all....and (i know this is mean) but im gonna ask at reception that if anyone but OH comes to visit, not to let them in, lol.

I just didnt know that was gonna happen the first time, so i didnt try and stop it, but this is probably gonna be my last baby, so im making sure i get my way

 

[Lou]

awww don't be mean....you'll be someone's MIL one day and I'm sure you'd want to be involved with the birth of your first grandchild. She only wants to sit outside, I'd let her. If it was me I'd be upset if I wasn't allowed too

Live and let live I say, she might be a bit interfering but I'm sure she's only trying to help

 

[purple13]

sorry lou - i can't help how i feel see, i know it is probably a bit mean. but my mum can't be there so i don't want MIL there. its so hard accepting that my little boy will never know his maternal grandmother - my mum was the most incredible lady, and if i can be half the mum that she was, i know i'll be doing ok. funnily enough, my dad and brother are completely cool with it - i haven't even had to ask them - they've just assumed that they'll drive down when we tell them to and not before. i'm very close to them and i think they understand without having to be told...

the other thing about MIL is that she's been putting me under loads of pressure to move closer to them (we're 1.5 hours drive from them at the moment). she doesn't do it to OH, only to me - so i'm the one left feeling guilty. we're going to have to move to somewhere bigger in the near future, but have decided on an area local to us now. which will mean that the in-laws are still 1.5 hours drive away. what MIL won't accept is that, if we move closer to them, we make the distance to my dad's a 5 hour drive away. and i just won't have that. my closest friends also live in sheffield (where my dad is and where i'm from) and i refuse to be so isolated from them just to keep MIL happy! one of MIL's friends was asking why we weren't moving closer to the in-laws and when i explained about my dad, she said, "well can't your dad move down here too" um, no!!!!! my dad has a job and a life in sheffield! why would he give that up when, if OH and i stay local to where we are now, we can see each other with a much easier 3 hour drive?!

sorry, i didn't mean that to digress into such a rant.

i feel a bit better now though!