After birth - Vistors - How are you handling it?

[Miss]

Hey lovelys

I have been thinking throughout this pregnancy about my in laws and them seeing baby when she is born. Just to bring you up to speed we live in the Midlands and they are in the North West so it's a good 70 mile journey between us.

This will be their first grandchild (they are extremely good with my son but lets be honest...there is a difference between inheritting one and having your own!) so they are super excited. Due to the distance and us only living in a 2 bed house at the moment we brought DS a double bed which he is more than happy to give up should they come to stay. They know about this! Thing is....although I am more than happy for them to come see baby the day she is born I really do not want to be going home to our house being invaded - does this sound unreasonable?

I am worried about OH's time with the baby in the first few days and feel that having an over excited MIL there might hinder this time for him slightly. Don't get me wrong...I love my MIL she is great but I really do not want anyone taking time away from OH and baby. Also, I am planning on breastfeeding, it's obviously not something you do regularly lol It's not like giving a random baby a bottle.....The last time I did it was 11 years ago with my son. So the first few days of it are pretty hard - getting baby to latch on, milk squirting everywhere and the flashing on nipples does not make for the most comfortable of situations in the living room when it's just you and OH let alone an audience with the in laws.....

So I spoke to OH last night and told him all this.....thing is I now don't know if I am being terrible for wanting to put restrictions on people visiting/staying in the first week? I really am more than happy for them to come down and stay after we are settled!

What are you guys planning on doing?

I do not speak with my parents which is why they are not included in the above! Just wanted to mention this so no one thought it would be one rule for one and another for another.

xx

 

[clairem1980]

Just read your post, and thought 'How am I going to handle it????'

My parents live a 2 hour journey away and although this is grandchild no 5 for them, I know they will be keen to see the baby (it's my first).

They more often than not stay with us when they come up as we have a spare room with a double bed - my sister lives 15 mins away but they have to sleep on an airbed in the playroom there.

My DH's parents live 5 minutes drive from us so can pop in and see the baby and then disappear home if it gets busy/noisy etc.

I'm hoping my parents will come up and stay with my sister for a couple of days. I know my Mum would come and stay with us and help if I have a Ceasarean but hoping that's not necessary.

I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting some time to settle in at home with the LO before inviting people to stay in your home.

If your OH is in agreement, maybe he could talk to his parents and say you'd love them to visit for the day when the baby is first born and then you would love to have them to stay with you at home once the baby is home and settled?

Your MIL is a Mum so should hopefully understand? I think Grandparents would be happy just to meet the little addition to their family and then come back for more 'baby fix' when you're up to it?

Good luck

 

[pinkymum]

Would you or OH be able to say this to your inlaws. Explain that you want to be settles before you have people to stay. I think this is perfectly fair hun. My mum is gonna come stay with me and help me for the first week. My dad stays 60 miles away and they are divorced (mum is remarried) I don't want dad coming through while mum is here and while I'm trying to get to grips with being a mummy. So im just going to explain that to him. To be honest he's a big drinker, he doesn't drink much at mine because that's a rule I have. But he's been here for 2 days this week and he's a great help regarding DIY but he is soooo messy and just gives me extra work. He also can't be bothered with children so if he chooses to take offence that's his problem.
X

 

[purplehippy]

What did your OH say to this?

Things will deffo be different for me this time.

With my daughter, my then-OH's very overbearing and interfering gran even tried to get into the delivery suite - she was refused, too rightly, but she then turned up at the hospital later that day, bringing family - they weren't invited!!! I needed sleep, having been up all night labouring. Stupid c**t! She then repeatedly invited herself over to the house, including when my then-OH had gone back to work - I'd have gotten my baby to sleep and she'd start photoing her, which would wake her. Insensitive, eh.

This time, I'm in Wales, my parents are in Berks and my bro is in Guildford. My OH's parents are now both dead, he has no siblings, and his aunty and uncle and cousins are in Essex (so I'm sure we'll visit them with the baby when we're ready). I was going to ask my mum if she could come up when I'm ready this time, with hopefully my dad and bro, and if they could pick up my daughter on the way so she can see her baby sister - but I don't want anyone staying.

I struggled to breastfeed and ended up using the bottle, and I think with both the right support and less interference from someone like that awful gran, that I might have managed

It is your right to let people know that you need a week or so to be yourselves, and also people suggest putting a sign on the front door with perhaps a pc-printed out photo of the baby and the details (name, sex, weight etc) and to just ask that people respect you have just given birth and to please call back at a better time. We did put a sign up with details and asked for gentle knocking if people needed us to answer the door etc.

 

[amandapanda]

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say no visitors in the first week! My mum and dad are planning to come up from Kent but they have said they will leave it a week or two as they know I'll need to settle into a bit of a routine at home first. I haven't had a baby before but I expect that first week or two goes by in a total blur and the last thing you want is guests staying aswell! xx

 

[cherelle]

Im worried about this too.

We live in Cardiff - my family are 3 hours away in Nottingham but OHs family live in west wales which is about an hour drive from where we are and i know his mum will be wanting to be here all the time. Shes made it clear she expects to see the baby as soon as he's born and as i mentioned before shes taken up professional photography recently so she wants photos straight after the birth No doubt these will be handed out to the whole family and ill look and feel like shite!!

I think if you make it clear to your OH then he should be able to deal with his parents and ensure you have sufficient time to bond and get into a routine with the baby without people calling round 24/7. I expect my OH to shield me from constant visits - its the least he can do after ive carried his child for 9 months and given birth!!! lol x

 

[Rósa]

My OH parents are about 4 hours drive away, my parents are about an hour away, I doubt we will see any of them soon My dad can't drive far and certainly not on a motorway, but my mum is nagging for me to take baby down to them asap, I said if Im having a csection I won't be driving (my OH doesnt drive ) for six weeks, but she is having a hissy fit over this and thinks I should get there anyway possible...

 

[mumofmany]

What have your OH parents said, have they said they want to come and stay have they offered b+b? as they are very good with your other son if they do come down do you think they may take him out a few times and spoil him so he doesn't feel pushed out and he still knows he is important to them. They sound like nice people and may themselves be worried about this too that they want to see the baby but they dont want to be in the way. Maybe suggest if they staying at yous then let you getsettled then come down if they want to come and see baby straight away then ask them kindly if they would mind staying elsewhere so at least you get that bit of time as a family. That way you are not saying you cant see baby straight away but are saying in a nice way it would be nice to be just us for a bit and a visit for few hour is fine. our parents all live local but my mum and dad have the kids that 1st night so we get to spend that 1st night just me, hubby and baby and my mum and dad spoil the other kids rotten and give them loads of attention and last baby they stayed out 2 nights they didn;t want to come back yet, they already talking about staying at nanny and grandads when i have the baby so i dont feel they are being pushed out, if your OH parents are willing to take him out you could start talking about it now and saying things where would you like to go etc ad he may start looking forward to that aswell which can make things good for him too giving him things to look forward to. Just an idea talk toyour oh and see what he thinks

 

[riotfox]

I haven't even thought about this yet. Maybe I should lol!! xx

 

[Lou_1]

my oh parents are 5 minute walk from us and my mum is a good 20 mminute drive.. I want my son to be with my mum when im in labour so hope this goes to plan and ive got this big issue that i want my son to be the first person to meet his brother, dnt want him walking in and other people being at the hospital and stuff, but then its obviously my oh who will be caling and txtin ppl with the news so i hope he calls my parents first in all the excitment lol. I will be very annoyed if any1 comes to visit me and baby b4 my son as ive made it clear to every1 he is to be there first. i wouldnt mind my parents at the hospital but would rather my ohs wait till we home i know that sounds so bad having one rule for each but i can see my OHs mother getting a tad clingy to the baby, we get on really well but this will defo test the inlaw relationship lol x

 

[Miss]

Sorry it's taken me to long to reply - Tapatalk on my phone just kept crashing everytime I tried to view this thread so I had to wait till I coud get to my PC.

Thank you all for your replys..

OH, as always was really understanding - he knows me so well and knows I overthink things so is pretty patient with me lol The man is a saint! The only thing is I then started to question if I was being fair haha

OH's parents have not said anything about when they want to come and see the baby YET! However, when you get comments such as "This is not your baby Donna it's ours" as the MIL points to herself and her mother and being likened to a surrograte mother it sort of gets you thinking what IS gonna happen at the birth you know? The comments above I am sure were ment to be humourous - but I am a real believer that Many a true word said in jest and that if you really listen to people when they are trying to be funny you can tell a lot about their intentions.

With my DS with lived with our FIL fo the first few months. He was way to quick to take DS off my EX to the point where he did nothing for him. I then got blamed for them not bonding - it was my fault because I breastfed (Which caused me to stop), I had stopped them forming a bond - he would not even hold his son. All I then had for support was FIL and in all honestly I was grateful as due to health problems DS was in a lot of pain and did not sleep much until they sorted out meds for him at about 6 months old. If it had not been for FIL I would have been left with a tiny baby in constant pain who could not be settled. By the way I just want to point out the fact that I breastfed had nothing to do with them having no bond...he was a lazy twat who could not be bothered once he got me pregnant!

Claire thanks for the reply hun - I envy you and your easy going family lol

Pinky - You are going to need someone with you hun. First few weeks are hard and it's brill that you have your Mum. I don't blame you for keeping your Dad away tho!

Purple - I am sure things will be better for you this time hun. At least you are away from that overbearing woman lol

Amanda - thanks hun - I did feel like a bit of a bitch for making this thead. It's not easy keeping everyone happy with them being far away. We still have figure out when and how we will make the trip to Newcastle to visit the rest of OH's family!

Cherelle - I do not envy you hun. I am terrible at being photographed in any case let alone when you have just given birth lol Can you just not tell her when you go into labour?

Rosa - awww I know it must be hard for your Mum wanting to see baby ASAP but god you would have thought she would be a bit more open to her daughters needs huh?

MoM - I said they were good with my son....but they have never taken him out of anything like that. They may see us a few times a year but they have only had him once and that was when we went up and OH wanted to take me to the cinama. I have never wanted to force DS on them if you know what I mean? He was around 5 when me and OH got together. MIL will randomly pick things up for DS and always have some sort of present for him when she see's him but I don't have the sort of relationship with her where I could ask what you have suggested hun. Must be lovely for your children tho - thats really good of your parents.

Riotfox - Sorry...I know people have enough on their mind without me bringing up other things to worry about lol

Lou - We feel the same way about DS. He HAS to be the first to see his little sister! We need him to be invovled as much as possible and feel like the 4 of us are a family unit! He randomly came out with "Will the baby have to know that Dad is not my real Dad" a few weeks ago. He is 11 so at an age where he can feel like no one understands him etc so we need to be extra careful with all this baby stuff going on and everyone coming around to see the baby that he does not feel excluded. He has not seen his dad for 5 years of more so he has already had to handle that rejection I don't want him to feel isolated.....

OK.....it's not like me to give so much away lol Can't believe I have just typed so much on a public forum lol

xx

 

[Lou_1]

miss im sure u will work it out-i think we will all just have to be firm and not let family,friends Ohs take the piss with the visiting issues.

 

[pinkymum]

I think the great thing is that your OH sounds fantastic and would hopefully say something to his parents if needed. It seems it other people around us who cause the stress eh?

*hugs*

x

 

[Miss]

Yeah I know you are right Lou - I can be an awful worrier at time lol

Pinky you are right he is bloody fantastic and I know the first sign of me getting stressed and he will sort it out even tho it would be hard for him as he is not the sort of person to shout his mouth off. I have always said it's others that cause stress haha Without others we would not feel all these damn emotions lol *Big squeezes* xx

 

[Crimson92]

My mum is just across the road from me, and MIL is ten minutes down the road, and I am worried I will see them too much ! I understand they will want to visit but I know they will both be visiting every day and I want OH to have some alone time too, so I am thinking of just saying to them they can visit for maybe 2 hours after dinner time, leaving me and OH the time to recooperate and spend some time with out lovely baby as we don't want bombarded all the time

Especially in the first week when everyone is desperate to see the baby and your juggling looking after the baby with housework and being a good host ! Not going to be easy, set some rules? x

 

[pinkymum]

I'll be a crap host that first week, if people want to visit they can but they'll be told to make their own cups of tea

Miss I'm so pleased I'll have my mum staying for the first week and I know even when she goes back to work I can still call her to come round. I am looking forward to having time just me and baby

 

[riotfox]

Don't apologise. I spoke about this with my OH today and we agreed that just our mums would come up to the hospital after I have given birth. I think everybody else will be quite considerate and wait until we are home and settled. That is that issue sorted now!! xx

 

[KBrady]

I'm relieved to see how much of a common theme this is amongst all us mums to be!

My in law's live abroad and had originally planned to come over 2 days after my due date which I managed to convince them was a bad idea as I could go 2 weeks overdue and they'd run the risk of not seeing baby at all! So now they've booked for 2 weeks after my due date which is still stressing me out a bit!

My mother in law is quite over bearing, she doesn't like it that I'm the woman in her son's life and constantly seems to want to put me down or dismiss me in some way. She's even giving her opinion on all our baby names and has emailed me her ideas!!! I told hubby he had to stop telling her any names we're considering as it's got nothing to do with her!
I'm worrying now that when they come over she's just going to take my baby away from me; they've only got 2 weeks to spend as much time with our little lady as possible - but I too will want that time to bond with our new baby and get to grips with being first time parents! She'll also have an opinion on everything I'm doing.
Am I being unreasonable? I find it hard finding a balance as there's so much extra pressure when they're abroad and have limited time to spend with baby.

I think it's just a bit overwhelming, there's so much to think about and prepare for without the added pressure of in laws having only 2 weeks to see baby as much as possible. God forbid I go over due and only have a few days before they arrive - I think I'd go mad!!!

My mum and sister are local and I know they'll come round for a cuddle when invited, but they'd run the hoover round or take the dog out for a walk or something and not expect me to do anything; whereas my mother in law will expect a tidy house and cups of tea on demand!

I feel a bit better having got all this out - it's hard to bring up with hubby but I'll have to if she carries on voicing her opinion on anything and everything we do!!!

x

 

[cherelle]

KBrady i would definately talk to your OH about your MIL worries, its not fair that you have all this worry and stress over what should be the most exciting time! Ive told my OH that as much as i understand him wanting his family around that our new little family is the priority and we need time to bond and adjust just the three of us - especially in the early days x

 

[amandapanda]

I'm relieved to see how much of a common theme this is amongst all us mums to be!

My in law's live abroad and had originally planned to come over 2 days after my due date which I managed to convince them was a bad idea as I could go 2 weeks overdue and they'd run the risk of not seeing baby at all! So now they've booked for 2 weeks after my due date which is still stressing me out a bit!

My mother in law is quite over bearing, she doesn't like it that I'm the woman in her son's life and constantly seems to want to put me down or dismiss me in some way. She's even giving her opinion on all our baby names and has emailed me her ideas!!! I told hubby he had to stop telling her any names we're considering as it's got nothing to do with her!
I'm worrying now that when they come over she's just going to take my baby away from me; they've only got 2 weeks to spend as much time with our little lady as possible - but I too will want that time to bond with our new baby and get to grips with being first time parents! She'll also have an opinion on everything I'm doing.
Am I being unreasonable? I find it hard finding a balance as there's so much extra pressure when they're abroad and have limited time to spend with baby.

I think it's just a bit overwhelming, there's so much to think about and prepare for without the added pressure of in laws having only 2 weeks to see baby as much as possible. God forbid I go over due and only have a few days before they arrive - I think I'd go mad!!!

My mum and sister are local and I know they'll come round for a cuddle when invited, but they'd run the hoover round or take the dog out for a walk or something and not expect me to do anything; whereas my mother in law will expect a tidy house and cups of tea on demand!

I feel a bit better having got all this out - it's hard to bring up with hubby but I'll have to if she carries on voicing her opinion on anything and everything we do!!!

x

Oh that's awful hun! The thing is after the birth I am sure we will all be feeling emotional, hormonal, drained, weepy, sore etc etc - what really would be best for all is just you, your baby and your OH, but family never think of that do they?? (except mne maybe but we are not that close). xxx