Advice needed ladies

[HeppiBean]

Ok so on Friday I found out that my OH has been sending inappropriate messages to his ex. He has also sent her and received from her explicit pictures of each other.

I flipped, as can be expected, but as nothing physical happened he's still here. Just.

When we were talking about it over the weekend I said to him that if he's had other such conversations with the ex or anyone else, tell me now as I'm likely to be more forgiving. He promised me that that had been the only time.

I've just been through his found and found loads text conversations in his call log between him, the ex in question, another ex and a girl he used to work with. When I went in to his messages to read them, they had ALL been deleted.

He has also deleted all of his Facebook messenger history.

Yesterday he went out and can't explain to me where he was for a good half an hour and I know he was in the vicinity of where his ex works most of the day...

I really don't know what to do. He says that he didn't delete his messages, he doesn't know how it happened... He still promises that Friday is the only time he has done anything like this and can't explain yesterday (at least not without changing his story every time).

I'm so lost. I recently discovered that I have Fibromyalgia so have been in a difficult place anyway and now this happens

It's our sons 1st birthday on Saturday... How can he do this?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Sorry for the essay...

 

[rachaell]

I'm afraid if they have sent and received explicit photos I don't believe for a second that nothing physical has happened between them and to me it would be as good as cheating anyway and I wouldbt be able to let it go. Everything sounds very fishy and I wouldn't be prepared to let him brush it off. Just being honest I'm sorry and I hope I am wrong : ( very big hugs and lots of wishes for happiness xxx

 

[HeppiBean]

A friend of mine said that... I don't know what to do. I don't want to end our relationship, I love him so much, and if he's telling the truth I think we can work through it. But if I find out at some point down the line that he's lied to me, it will destroy me...

 

[Holi]

I very rarely see things black and white (I'm a grey kinda girl!) but I would put my life savings that Friday would not be the only time - how unlucky to get caught out straight away?? Plus message don't just disappear!

I know this sounds harsh but do you really want to be with someone where your never going to trust them?? Your already questioning his whereabouts, checking messages etc don't get me wrong i would do exactly the same - but that's why I wouldn't stick around cos the trust is gone and I wouldn't want to turn into a paranoid jealous person (even tho this is all his doing)

Really think long and hard about forgiving him

Big hugs xxx

 

[ClimbingRose]

Im so sorry to hear you've experienced this.
Its a really horrible situation, because when you get right down to it, he's been unfaithful to you. I doubt his messages on FB or his phone have really just 'disappeared', so chances are there was other stuff on there he wanted to hide from you.
The problem with technology is that its very different than walking in on your OH in bed with someone else - the pain is the same, but you dont feel justified to walk away, as there seems to be something less guilty about a little text, its almost not real, even though it actually is.
I'm also more of a grey person than a black and white 'leave him' kinda girl. I dont really know what to say in this situation though, I dont know what I would do if I found out OH was doing this when we had a baby. It would hurt like hell, but like you, the love for him would make me very resistant to walk away.
I think if he's really sorry for what hes done and this is a wake up call, then suggest couples councilling to work through why he would do this. If hes not game for it, then I dont think hes that serious about the relationship.
I have a good friend who was with her OH for 8 years, they had a baby, he proposed, they got married, and 6 months later he started having an affair and she found out by his FB messages. Needless to say she was heartbroken, they went their seperate ways, its was SUPER difficult for a while, but she is in such a good place now and really happy. So dont be afraid to let something go if you cant move on or forgive him, you dont know what might be out there waiting for you.
All the best with it, I dont envy you, its a shitty shitty situation. xx

 

[ClimbingRose]

Also would just like to say, lots of couples do manage to move on from one being unfaithful, but I guess you need total honesty etc. Eventually you would get over it, but only if you could believe he wouldnt do it again. xx

 

[Rachel80]

My ex did this to me, me finding the evidence was a long time coming, he was always secretive with his phone & Facebook. When I eventually found the evidence I needed (he left his Facebook open & fell asleep) I found the proof I needed. I walked out & it was the best decision I ever made as I am now engaged to a wonderful man & have a beautiful son.

He is cheating on you, whether it's physical or not it's still cheating in my book. I love my fiancé & I would never dream of sending flirty inappropriate texts to another man. If I were you I'd leave him, he will continue to do this to you & you'll never be able to trust him ever, I would consider whether I want my child to grow up thinking this is what a normal happy relationship looks like.

It will be so so hard, but if you don't do it now he will continue to make a mug of you. I know this sounds harsh & it is an awful thing, it rips your heart out but I believe everything happens for a reason & there is an amazing man out there who would never betray you. Good luck x

 

[HeppiBean]

We're trying to work through it, but if he ever ever does this again he will be gone in a flash.

 

[luckylucky]

My hubby has lied in the past about pathetic stupid things and i mean he would lie about what hes had for lunch.
Just stupid pointless lies to make him self look better , ill never understand it and believe it stems from a self esteam issue from childhood.
I dont believe now after 6 years he will ever be free from it but hes trying. Thing is i know he hasnt been unfaithful or anything , but even these tiny lies have almost destroyed us. Hes not really a deceitful person its just like verbal vomit.

But what im trying to say is any lies on any scale will eat at you, and destroy you in some way. I could never forgive unfaithfulness I could never let it drop.
So for your guy to have been deceitful and lied is a very dangerous line hes chosen to cross. Your a very Brave and forgiving woman of you can find it in you to forgive I know i couldnt.
But watch out for signs of deleting things etc my hubby deleted messages once when i knew he was getting prescription drugs off a friend he thought smashing the fone would save him WRONG im far to clever for him and i managed to get all messages that confirmed he was lying. Cheating woulf be the end for me .
But hes pushed me that far that if i find out hes lied about soemthing again id consider walking, as being lied to is draining and mentally exhausting.

If yous have chose to work it out good luck to you but always be on your guard and one step ahead with a liar

 

[Pin badge]

I hope you manage to work things out Hun, I have been there and tried "working it out" once when I found messages on my bfs phone. BUT the trust had gone, I scrutinised his every move, looked at his phone, (which he even took to the loo and shower) looked at his facebook, suspected when he changed his aftershave... Life became a mission of trying to catch him out.

Turns out i was right to be suspicious as a couple of months before one of the other women contacted me to confess, apparantly she was getting married the following week and wanted to get it out of her system.

Leaving was hard but the best thing I ever did, I'm now married to my lovely husband, we've moved to the countryside and I'm expecting our first baby. Sometimes life feels like a mountain to climb but I guarantee if you had to, you'd find the strength you needed.
Best wishes.xx

 

[Mum2Many]

I'm sorry but he's a cheat and a liar. I hope you can work it out if that's what you want, but it sounds like even when caught he's not being honest with you, and to disappear out for any length of time and not tell you truthfully where he's been... Well, I think we all know what he was most likely to be doing.

As for phones and facebook messages just disappearing, they don't do that. He's deleted them because he's guilty of more than you have seen.

I guess if it were me, I could MAYBE work around to forgiveness if I thought it was ALL out on the table and the truth no matter how bad was in front of me. But a man who builds lies upon lies, even when caught, will never be honest with you.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[HeppiBean]

I said to him last night that whether anything else has happened or not, in my eyes because of his behaviour and the messages disappearing it did, and nothing he can say will convince me otherwise unless I see what those messages contain. He said ok to that and that he can't tell me what I want to hear because he is telling the truth. I told him that what ever the situation it is now in the past and we can move forward from here. But even a whisper of any more wrongdoings on his part will be the end of us.

I didn't tell him that I plan on checking his Facebook and phone at random intervals, but I do...

 

[redbear]

Well now he knows not to use his phone or facebook and they can meet up in real life. Im really sorry he might be changed and never message again but I wouldn't even trust checking emails especially since he still has no good explanation for where he went, without good time to think about it. Things like that don't just happen, you don't just text an ex out of the blue messages incase she just called you a pervert and told his oh, there is normally 'real life' flirting first at least.

Id have his bollocks for earings x

 

[kat1988]

Ive only just seen this and am really sorry hes been such a knob hun, in my book hes been unfaithful, I guess it comes down to whether u can move past it and ever trust him again, obviously it wont be an overnight thing but checking his messages etc isnt the best place to start. I hope whatever happens you end up happy, youve been through enough the past few years!

Id have his bollocks for earings x

Lol this how to deal with a cheat!

 

[redbear]

Ive only just seen this and am really sorry hes been such a knob hun, in my book hes been unfaithful, I guess it comes down to whether u can move past it and ever trust him again, obviously it wont be an overnight thing but checking his messages etc isnt the best place to start. I hope whatever happens you end up happy, youve been through enough the past few years!

Id have his bollocks for earings x

Lol this how to deal with a cheat!

Its the only way. although last night on tv I heard 'I would rip off his arm, shove it where the sun don't shine, and ram my fist so far down his throat I could shake his hand' -- wasn't about a cheating man but I may use this threat lol x

 

[mel0013]

I'm sorry ur going through this. I would do what is right for u and weigh up whether the stress upset and doubt of living with someone u can't trust is better than being on ur own? Also I can't imagine this is helping u with ur fibromyalgia my mum suffers with it and that on its own can make u feel really awfull so u really don't need a selfish idiot adding to it. Best wishes xx

Ps my mum found a support group for fibromyalgia sufferers at our local hospital if u have a look into it they may hold one where u are.

 

[HeppiBean]

I do go to a fibro support group hun, thanks.

His behaviour in the blast week has been enough to make me want to make this work. Other than that 1 day he has given 100% to our family and I can see how remorseful he is.

I just hope I don't come to regret those words in the future x

 

[Holi]

I do go to a fibro support group hun, thanks.

His behaviour in the blast week has been enough to make me want to make this work. Other than that 1 day he has given 100% to our family and I can see how remorseful he is.

I just hope I don't come to regret those words in the future x

Good luck Hun I really do hope it all works out for you and your family xxxxx

 

[madsticks]

I have been in a similar situation. My OH was texting / sexting / flirting with random girls from the internet. I do know 100% that nothing physical happened, but for me it's close enough to the same thing.
To cut a very long story short(ish), I too said that if he had anything else to tell me, then he should say now or I would just be more angry. He promised it was just the one internet floozy. A week later I found out it was a lot more than one.

Our relationship was very rocky for a while and it took me a very long time to get past it. But I have overcome and I do trust him. Since then he has never done anything like it.
Something that helped was I talked over it with some male friends, I couldn't understand why he wasn't just honest with me from the start. My friends said.
"Well has he stopped now?" (Yes.) "Well if he has stopped, and he's sorry, then don't over think it. Either you forgive him, or you don't. No man in his right mind would make that situation worse by saying 'oh and I did this and that too'. He probably feels bad enough already and didn't want to upset you any more".

That seems to be the general male outlook on those situation. If they are remorseful and have stopped, work on your relationship and try to move on from it. It is hard and it took me many many months and headaches and heartaches dwelling on it, when I could have been enjoying our relationship that since then has been amazing.

All the best x

 

[mel0013]

I do go to a fibro support group hun, thanks.

His behaviour in the blast week has been enough to make me want to make this work. Other than that 1 day he has given 100% to our family and I can see how remorseful he is.

I just hope I don't come to regret those words in the future x

im glad uve got support for ur fibro, ive seen how hard it can be to live with. it sounds like uve been through some really hard times as a family. like the others said relationship counselling might be good u could talk things out in a neutral environment and get some help to move on from it xx