A year today.

[Trudyscrumptious76]

Hi I know I've not been around lately. I've had alot going on and this in the back of my mind. I m/c at 6w6days a year ago today.

I don't know what to do with myself. A lady at work told me she's pg today. It’s so unfair. I was so happy today until that just happened. Why on earth couldn’t she tell me Monday? Bless her she was trying to be kind as she knows about the M/C and didn’t want me hearing it from someone else. I was sat there smiling saying how happy I was for her (I am, she never thought she could have kids she's now 40) inside I’m screaming why today????

I've got a wedding tomorrow and one of the girls who I would've been due at the same time as will be there and I'll see her baby for the first time. I don't think I can cope with seeing hers and knowing my arms are very empty. It's going to sound horrid but she already had 2 kids which everyone agrees even her mother, that she can't cope with. She can't afford the 2 she had, her parents have to buy their food for them, but she felt broody so decided to have another.

I really wish I hadn't waited to be financially and mentally sound. I know I'm only 32 but it feels like I'm running out of time for a family. Everyone around me seems to be falling so easily. There's 10 babies that have been concieved since we started TTCing. One of my friends has started on number 2.

I just don't know what to do for the best anymore. I should be holding my 16 week old baby instead I'm pretending I'm happy for everyone else as theirs arrive. I wanted mine so much. Did I love her too much? Am I being punished for past errors?

 

[Kittykins]

I was just thinking of you, oddly. Though I was thinking "ooh, it's November, that'll mean Trudy's eligible for referral now and will get her answers"...

getting a reply from me might not help very much right now (which is why I decided not to email - but if you would like to chat, pls e me), but I really do sympathise. Honestly, at the beginning of October I was feeling so miserable, we'd been ttc over a year, I'd just finally completed the m/c, and I felt I had nothing to look forward to - the only thing coming up was the first anniversary of the chem pg (also today). Then suddenly I thought that I really can't live in the past and think about what might have been. I drew up a list of all the things we could have been doing in the past year which I hadn't done because I kept thinking 'what if?', and then another list of all the things I really wanted to do, and wouldn't be able to do if pg. You have to try to think positively, even when it's hard - I've convinced myself that fertilised eggs can sense negativity and decide not to stay! So we planned a weekend trip to Rome, ordered brochures for a Xmas trip to Morocco (which arrived this week ), I sent off my entry form for a half-marathon and I celebrated getting back into shape by buying a LOAD of new clothes. Oh, and booked a spa session with a couple of girlfriends, which I now have to cancel without revealing why

It really will happen for you one day, but honestly, you need to stop looking at other people and focus on yourself. Sure this other woman might have a baby now, but it won't be anywhere near as gorgeous or loved or special as the one you'll have soon. Don't think of your colleague telling you as a negative message - if that was me, I'd be seeing it as a really good sign that exactly one year from my m/c, a woman who'd had even more problems than me told me she was pg. I really would think of that as my angel telling me not to give up hope. That's why today, not Monday

So what are you doing now? Your doctor said to go back after a year, right? Have you made the appt yet? If not, I think you should do that asap, and get your DH to go with you (he's less likely to get emotional, and 2 of you piling on the pressure are more likely to get the result you want). What about a private consultation? Have a look at the Zita West clinic, perhaps (and if you come to London, you're welcome to stay here, we'll make a weekend of it). Have you considered acupuncture? I thought it was all bollocks, but having been told my hromones could take 3 months to get back to normal, I booked myself in for an acupuncture session on CD17 after the m/c. I came out feeling so relaxed and really good, so I block-booked 5 sessions (£100 for 5 at a little Chinese place here - look around, the flash places with websites are around £50 an hour!). I ovulated the next day... I had another session the following week - and got a BFP the next day. I'm now saving the rest of my sessions for later on! I have no idea if it was due to the acupuncture, but I hadn't felt so relaxed for literally months - I'm scared of needles, but I even fell asleep in the second session. Seems to me that you could do with some feeling good about yourself time before you conceive, you sound like you're completely knotted up with misery and worry Why don't you try a complementary therapy? Book yourself a couple of different things (massage, acupuncture, reflexology), see what makes you feel most relaxed and happy, even if it's just for that hour, and then get your DH to buy you a block-booking for Christmas? You're really not old and haven't left it too late (I'm 32 too, remember!) - your colleague at 40 has proved that. I'm not even going to answer the 'am I being punished?' question, you know what I'd say to that!

Try to think about today as a stepping stone - you can now move forward with your doctor, and your angel sent you a message of hope. And now crack open a bottle of wine and share it with DH

 

[dina.marie]

im so sorry

 

[Loola]

Aww Trudy hun I know exactly how you feel. Just try not to think of what could have been as it will drive you crazy. Its been 5 years since I m/c and for a long time I thought about how it was my fault, I was being punished for all the bad things or even just thoughts Id ever had in my life. But now Im a firm believer in the fact that it wasnt the right time, or more so that there was something wrong with the baby so it wouldnt have been good for anyone involved. You WILL have your baby though hun, you just have to keep thinking positively, which I know is hard especially on anniversaries like this, and with everyone else around you getting pregnant or having babies. Its an awful feeling and I know it so well. My 2 best friends had 3 babies between them whilst I was TTC and it was emotionally crippling for me.

Its hard not to go over 'that day' in your head and how horrific it was, but I hope now you can put those demons to bed and carry on with your life like today is a new start. Its the only way - what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

 

[Trudyscrumptious76]

Well after a thoroughly self indulgent dip on Friday I feel on top of the world today. I haven't got internet at home but read your replies on my phone. I was laughing at your reply Kitty. I love the way you always get straight to the point. I thought about everything I couldn't have done with a baby. Top of the list I wouldn't have my 2 gorgeous dogs. Plus I wouldn't have been able to help my friend and her 4 kids whose husband left when baby was just born, as much as I have done.

I went to the docs on Thurs and was feeling very much in control. I've got my referral letter I have to ring on Thurs for an appointment. I've planned to go see my friend who is moving to Wales over Xmas, she's right near the beach we're taking the dogs I can't wait. We're planning a late 10th anniversary party. Early next year. Lots to look forward to.

The wedding went better than I thought. My niece was up for the wedding from London. So Friday night we shared a bottle of Moet in front of the fire with fish and chips. It was great!!!

I feel I faced my demons at the wedding. I saw the baby of the 'perfect' couple and was quite unmoved. I saw the baby who was due the same day as mine and that was hard, but the world kept turning so I either get over it or keep wallowing. At the reception I had a good goss with some girl friends I hadn't seen in ages and danced to 70's disco all night - sometimes there was only a few of us on the floor but I didn't care!!! My legs are still hurting. Dancing in 3 inch heels is not good!

Towards the end my friend was trying to sort out her 5 week old baby so I said I'd take her so she could go and mingle. Looking into that little babies eyes I was overcome with hope and joy. I just knew one day I'd have my own family. If not my own babies then there are plently of kids out there who need even more love because their own parents didn't want them for one reason or another.

DH hasn't been well so money is a bit tight as he's self employed but I'm definitely going to go back to accupuncture. I used to go for my depression. The first time I went DH paid and I was so skeptical I kept moaning and said it won't work, it won't relax me. He told me to shut up or he was leaving the room. So I did. 20 mins later I was being gently shaken awake!!!! I love it!!

So all in all, I know that I'l have up days and down days, but I'm facing the future with hope. Thanks for your messages. You girls are great!

Don't know where I'd be without you all.

 

[skairdykat]

 

[Kittykins]

yay! I was a bit concerned you hadn't posted over the weekend... I thought maybe I'd been a bit too much to the point! Glad you're feeling better.

Yes, until your baby actually arrives, you'll continue to have up days and down days - but when you're having a down day, you just have to remember that the next day will be an up one. It's good that you were able to enjoy the wedding - and at least one of the babies!

There's some limited research to suggest that women who spend a lot of time with babies/small children conceive more easily - they think it's to do with behavioural reactions to babies triggering hormones or something. Apparently, nursery nurses have a low incidence of infertility compared to the general population (you can see I've spent too much time reading the Sunday paper supplements! ). What I think is really interesting is that it used to be a tradition in Scotland for the oldest daughter to take one of her youngest siblings with her when she got married - like starter yeast or something! Strange but true... Maybe that's why there are so many reported cases of adoption followed by natural conception... anyway, not sure there's any point to this, but don't avoid babies!

Great news that you've got the referral letter - things are moving for you!

 

[Trudyscrumptious76]

I should have a whole creche of kids then!!! I'm never away from them!!!

Thanks so much Kitty, your advice is always welcome and always sensible. I forgot to say that I read Zita West's book. It's brilliant. Come Jan when we're ready to try again I feel more ready to face it all. She dispels all myths like saving sperm etc.

We're just having a good time having sex not TTCing. Just hope I don't fall until Jan! Got far too much on over the next few months!

 

[Kittykins]

I do think there's such a thing as trying too hard though. I didn't get a proper BFP in months of BDing every day/twice a day (just the chem pg) and it really was a chore. The July BFP was when we were so busy in June that we decided to aim to BD every other night if poss, and not to worry if we missed our chance... And this BFP was from a "can we or can't we be arsed?" cycle, again every 2 or 3 nights. Next time we try(!) there's no way I'm going back to trying to do it morning and night for the 4 days leading up to and including ovulation!

I have to say, if I were you I probably wouldn't try 'properly' till Jan either, especially since you're on your way to having an appt. More to the point, it was a real pain last Christmas/New Year, watching what I ate and drank 'just in case', especially as it was all in vain. Not that I advocate binge-drinking, but hey, December is not a month for counting units/calories!

Ironically, I'd told DH that we would sort of try in October, but only because psychologically, I felt I needed to get back into that way of thinking/acting sooner rather than later - I didn't want to put off the sex-with-a-purpose because I thought it would just become more and more of an issue. We had both agreed (and been told) that it was extremely unlikely we'd conceive anyway, and we had decided that we were then going to take a break until January to give my body a chance to recover and to relax and enjoy Christmas. I should also add that because we were told it was unlikely we'd conceive, I may have been rather less careful with my alcohol intake than normal

Anyway, you really don't want to get pg right now. If all goes well, I should be 12w in Christmas week, so at least at the various drinks that week I will be able to explain a) why I'm looking a bit podgy and b) why I'm not drinking. Think how awful it would be if you were feeling fat and sober and it was too early to say why! I think you should tell your body VERY LOUDLY that you really DON'T WANT TO GET PREGNANT YET!

 

[Trudyscrumptious76]

Oh lordy no! She doesn't say all the time! Just every other day from when AF finishes instead of saving it till ov and then going mad!It's nice it seems much more natural.

No I'm a born again DINKY my friends are all saying that I'll fall no problem!!!

 

[babyblonde]

So sorry to hear of your loss hun - it must be such a difficult time for you at the moment.

You must never EVER think that this is you being punished. Nobody deserves to go through the pain of losing a child - whatever they have done in the past. We lost our baby today and are so, so sad - but we look on it that this was my body's way of telling us that this baby wasn't right for us and is saving itself to give us our perfect little one when the right time comes.

Please keep your chin up and don't lose the faith - look at your friend who suddenly found she can conceive in her forties - it can happen for anyone - it's just not your turn yet.

Much love xxx

 

[Trudyscrumptious76]

Oh Babyblonde so sorry to hear this. Sorry for the late reply I was off all last week and still have no internet at home. I hope you are ok. I didn't want you to think I hadn't read your message. Thank you for your support even though you are having a difficult time.