a rant...

[Dragonfly Fi]

This is a rant, its about a good friend of mine who i do care for very much but who has just driven me properly up the wall!

She has just had her first child, literally a week ago. Throughout her pregnancy we have got really close, we have known each other for years but both of us now being mamas has made us much closer.

Now i understand that she is very particular, she likes things 'just so' she is allergic to EVERYTHING and she HAS to have a spotless house and environment at all times... But what i dont understand is if she KNOWS i am coming round with Jasper, why does she leave her delicate ornaments all over the place?

its EVERYTHING, he pulls himself up on a table and she doesnt like the thought of his hands on the wood (woods cleanable, really!) he picks up a coaster and drops it on the floor and she is worried it might leave a mark. He eats a bit of banana and she is hyperventilating that he might drop a bit of it on the carpet.

She had us over for dinner and she was literally shaking and having a panic attack watching Jasper eat his dinner, i mean... yes he WAS making mess but there was NOTHING we could do about it until AFTER the meal! Could we not have just eaten and THEN worried about picking up pasta? Seriously!

I just worry about how she will cope as a mother herself, when she holds Jasper she complains that he is grabbing her scarf, or touching her knee, or has a bit of mud on his hands... she hates him eating around her, cant stand him touching ANYTHING (when sorry, when i had no kids and i knew a mobile baby was coming round, i would put out some interesting things for them to touch and feel and things. I wouldnt just act as if they werent there and then freak out at them walking around my house!

I think we wont be able to go and see her again until she has decided to baby-proof for her own baby, because its just ridiculous. Jasper picked up a Muslin off the floor and she started going 'dont hold that, thats not good' and i was like 'mate he has to be allowed SOMETHING' and she said that it was just because it might not be completely and utterly clean and she was worried about him holding it!

He got really frustrated and so did I, I try and keep Jasper in a world where he can entertain and find things, i will put junk mail on the floor so he can play and open it while i am opening my post, he likes to eat things off the floor so i make sure there are a few raisins or something for him to find and eat... I dunno, he doesnt have a great many 'toys' because he is far more interested in a broken torch, or a mobile phone, or an old pot... I just wish she would see that it doesnt have to be about removing EVERYTHING from life, i went to the loo and came back and she was removing a book from his hands that he had found, which is cool i can understand why she didnt want him touching it (what i cant understand is why she left it on the floor KNOWING he was there) and upon looking around i found an old Tesco Direct catalogue and i said 'there we are, he can play with that, i will pick you up a new one if its precious to you' and she said it was FINE for him to play with the catalogue... which made me think 'if its fine, why didnt you give him the catalogue rather than just taking the book off him and leaving him frustrated with nothing to do AGAIN!

I do take toys out for him everywhere, but he isnt interested when there are loads of other things going on. he wasnt even allowed to hold one of the 'new baby' cards that she had a MILLION of...

grrrr it was frustrating!! Anyway, rant over!

 

[FebMum2Be]

God that's a bit OTT.. She will have to back down a bit when her own baby comes because as you know yourself, babies are messy, but not only that, if she has panic attacks over mess etc.. How will she cope with that alone when baby is here? When Odhrán was little it was Odhrán sorted first and sleep, the tidying up had to wait.. She might burn herself out if she tries to maintain the perfect home and a baby.. I would find that quite frustrating too, and a bit uncomfortable. Kids=mess, it's not intentional it's part of them learning, J doesn't sound like he was doing anything wrong at all, she should maybe speak to her doctor about her anxiety, sorry your day with her didn't go too well x

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

thanks sweetie, it was just SO frustrating and when you have travelled to see someone its just such a pain in the arse when they cannot even be bothered to remove the baby unfriendly items from the immediate area!!

I cannot take Jasper there again, if i did it would be condoning this perception that he should stand in the middle of the room and touch nothing and see nothing and learn about nothing, not how wee ones work! we went to the park today and i let him explore a big area and he was really happy Didnt go too far from me but you could see how happy he was with the freedom (after the oppressive flat it must have been great)

I remember having a slingmeet here when Jasper was still very much a newborn, he was in his chair and my friends came over with their toddlers, i made sure the house was safe, there were some age appropriate toys around and they could explore their surroundings, it meant we could all sit and have coffee and not worry rather than constantly thinking about where the baby was!

It was horrid having tea there because it was like she was totally freaked out and kept going on about the mess J was making... rather than allowing us to enjoy dinner Grrrr so frustrating!

 

[Maria1977]

I used to be a bit ocd about cleaning/tidying, well quite bad but now I've had Oz it's just not worth it lol. I'm too tired to clean everyday. When he was first born I did a bit more than now, but not as much as I used to, but now he's 5 months old I'd rather be spending my time with him... hopefully she'll calm down a bit, even if she never totally chills. I love having Oscars toys and stuff everywhere... it feels more like a home now xxxxx

 

[Maria1977]

Forgot to say that I drop Oscars muslin alllll the time, and we've got a dog and a cat running around and even though my gut says OMG OMG OMG lol I still use it. God, he's gotta build up immunity somehow eh?! He's 5 months old now and going strong lol

 

[Zazu]

That is very OTT, what's she going to do when her baby poos/wees/sicks on the carpet? Ha ha! In all honesty though I would say something if she invites you round again, just so poor jasper isn't getting everything taken off him all the time xxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

yes i am the same! Jasper spills a lot of food when he eats and i generally wait for it to be dry in the morning and then hoover it up! I dont believe completely clean is the best environment for a child.

I gave her a whole bunch of nappies to try out and she asked me to show her how to put them on, so i came round and i was going to put one on Jasper (for like half a second) and she freaked out about how she had already washed it and didnt want to wash it again... sorry but unless Jasper had an accident in the half a second we were going to have the nappy on him why on EARTH would she need to wash it again??

From now on she will have to meet me in town or come to my house because i cannot put Jasper through that again. She kept going on and on and on about how she wasnt in the 'right space' to baby proof at the moment and she couldnt be expected to remove ANYTHING from her personal life to make way for babies because hers wasnt mobile yet. Which i sort of understand but i also think is incredibly selfish, she KNEW Jasper was coming round and would it have been THAT HARD to leave a bit of junk mail on the floor for him to find? Or remove somethings from their exact places so he could have had a nice time? I remember having some friends over when Jasper was not crawling yet and i made sure the house was toddler proofed so they could have a nice time!

 

[Maria1977]

Sounds like she suffers from alot of axiety over cleanliness, hopefully a few months of sleep deprevation will sort that out lol

 

[Zazu]

I remember when Zachary was newborn and he pooed Off his changing mat and all over my cream carpet, she would have had a heart attack! That's what vanish is for!

I agree she should just move her stuff, she can put it back when he is gone, there is plenty she could leave out for him, zac likes wooden spoons and whisks much more than toys, ha ha.

I'm sure she will realise soon, when her baby gets more mobile and has a few accidents on the carpet xxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

She also writes down every time the baby feeds, the time he starts, the time he stops and the side he has fed on, i asked her why and she said its so she knows which side he has fed on... i think she has control issues and needed to stay in control of something so has to write everything down... she is in for a shock!

 

[Maria1977]

OMG I used to have OCD on the feeding times... buuuuut that was alot due to my experience on post natal and then the breast feeding team giving me huge stresses. But Oscars birth story and subsequent feeding problems is a loooong story, but I soon got over that.

We've had poo everywhere too. I used to dread pooey nappies when I was preggo, never dreamed there would be a person who I didn't mind getting covered in their poo (god that sounds so wrong out loud lol)

 

[Bexybun]

I will say that I understand why it may not have occurred to her to put out junk mail or something for your LO to play with- when I had my newborn daughter, if someone had come round with an older child it might not necessarily have occurred to me to put out stuff for them, only because I didn't have any experience of older children. I think you're very thoughtful to have done that when the older ones come to you, but I do get why she may not have thought of it. However...

I'm not a clean freak but I do like tidiness and things in their place, and my daughter is very good for not touching things like my candles or ornaments- but she's four, she wasn't always that way. And if other children come over, I just move the breakable or sharp stuff, and am quite happy for them to touch and play with the rest. I mean come on, kids are going to play! What does this woman expect, that her kid is going to grow up never playing or making a mess, just because she wants it to? I don't think she's aware of how much harder it's going to be for her to deal with the mess the child will make they older it gets, and actually, being around older children and experiencing it would be really good for her! It's such a shame she made you feel like that, but maybe try to remember that it's her insecurities and problem, not yours. It sounds like you've made a lovely relaxed and happy environment for your child, so I agree, just don't go round there again for a while.

Trust me hun, she'll find out soon enough that that attitude to motherhood just can't last. x

 

[Doodles]

ok I dont think the way she re-acted was healthy buuuut I also personally don't let Doodles eat anything off the floor and if something falls on the floor it goes straight to be washed, I wouldn't dream of picking something up off the floor and using it for myself never mind a small child :/

I can understand her OCD as I suffer from it and it's really difficult especially when everyones telling you your over reacting/get over it (seriously never a helpful phrase lol), my problem is clothes, I like them to look new all the time, I have a total fit if someone gives Doodles messy food when he's wearing going out clothes (he has a draw of play clothes as I encourage messy play often), but a couple of days ago, he was wearing his new pyjamas and got chocolate milk down the top and I had a massive panic attack & it made him cry (yes I felt VERY guilty), but I got even more upset when hubby started trying to make me feel guilty and silly, it doesnt help.

Have you tried talking to her about it (without kids around to distract either of you) and finding out what you can do to help her work through it? x x

 

[tinselcat]

Hiya

It sounds like you had a frustrating time, but if your friend is suffering from some form of anxiety disorder (seems like it might be) and is a week into being a first-time mum then she might be finding life quite tough and not necessarily thinking of everything?

For example, OCD beliefs may seem completely irrational to the regular person, but they can truly induce a state of terror in the sufferer. A typical catastrophic escalation of thoughts could be "that cloth on the floor is dirty, baby is eating it, it'll have germs in his/her mouth, argh baby might contract something terrible, and die, and it's my fault, I need to say/do something now or the baby will die!!"

As for new baby cards, I imagine she was worried they would get ripped up or damaged - esp with first baby they are probably quite precious to her.

Just trying to give a possible perspective onto her behaviour - I'm sure the last thing she wanted to be was annoying. xx