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Hi,
Ok here it goes. I’ve decided to write this in a type of blog to help me and you never know, anyone else who might read this. Hopefully no one goes through what I’ve been through...
Earlier on this year my husband and I decided that I would come off the pill in May and we would TTC. We have been together nearly 15 years, married for 4 of those years. We both have good stable jobs and the timing is ‘right’ if there’s ever such a thing!
Cycle 1 in June I was late on my period and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was gutted when it came back negative and I came on a few days later but wasn’t surprised because it was my first month off the pill after being on it 14 years so I know it can take time to get out of your system.
Cycle 2 in July we had a really hot month and so my hubby and I only DTD twice. Both times were either side of my fertile window and I didn’t think much of it. When my period didn’t arrive I assumed it was just late again because of me coming off my pill. After being 2 days late I bought a pregnancy test and was amazed when it was positive. It was so unexpected I couldn’t believe it! The next day I bought a clear blue digi test and was so excited when I saw it say 1-2 weeks pregnant. It felt like it was just ‘meant to be’. I showed my hubby the test and he didn’t believe it either!! I was so excited that I decided to document my pregnancy through photos and my growing bump. I took a photo every morning so I could see it grow
The next day, we got to talking about our pregnancy and planning or new life. We decided to move our house around to accommodate for our new baby and decorated our new living room. Over the next few days we spent lots of time painting which gave me lots of time to think about our baby. Our little Mini as I called it.
On the Saturday we went shopping to get all new stuff for our living room. We saw baby stuff out whilst we were out and we glanced at each other and smiled. Not yet, I was only 5 weeks pregnant and it is too soon to start buying baby stuff but I was still excited to think about it! Whilst we were out I started to feel nauseous. Even though it didn’t feel great I was relieved to get my first pregnancy symptom because up to then, I’d been feeling normal. When I returned home I still didn’t feel great so my hubby continued to paint whilst I rested. I started a pregnancy journal and spoke about how excited we were to have our little Mini, a wonderful surprise that we were delighted about.
That evening, just before going to bed, I went to the toilet and saw some slight brown tinging to my CM but I thought nothing of it... how wrong I was...
I woke up on Sunday 29th July at around 6.10am, unusually early for me at a weekend. My hubby had got up for work and had gone downstairs. I felt quite ‘wet’ in my nether regions and went to the toilet. As I wiped my world shattered. Bright red blood. Lots of it. I cried. I ran downstairs to my hubby whilst crying and hyperventilating. I was losing our baby. My hubby gave me a reassuring hug and we sat down on the couch. I phone the NHS 111 service who put me in contact with an out of hours midwife. She advised me to go to my local Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) on the following morning.
I told my hubby to go to work because there was nothing either of us could do. I lay on the couch and sobbed. By dinnertime I got dressed and went to my sisters to help with my niece’s princess party. My family knew something was wrong and I broke down after the party and told them everything.
My family were amazing and supportive but there is nothing any of us could do. They said that at least I knew I could get pregnant and I should be happy about this at least... this is not what I wanted to hear right at this time.
On the Monday morning we went to our local EPU where they referred my for my bloods to monitor my HCG levels. If they doubled over 48 hours then everything would be ok. My hubby had done so much research and read so many blogs that he didn’t believe I was having a miscarriage.
On Monday afternoon the nurse phoned me to tell me that my HCG levels were at 10 and it was very unlikely that my pregnancy would be continuing. I felt numb. I was not in any pain and my bleeding had stopped. What had I done wrong? What had we done to deserve this?
My husband came home from work to be with me and we sobbed together curled up on the couch. He said he was surprised how much the miscarriage had affected him. He did, however, confirm that he wanted to try again to get pregnant and this made me happy.
I took 2 days off work to cry and mourn the loss of our baby. To grieve and think about all the ‘could have’ beens. I spent the following few days telling close friends at work and discussing it. I somehow felt like I should move on even though I didn’t feel ready to. I didn’t want to forget our little Mini for one minute but it wasn’t healthy for me to obsess much more about a dream of what could have been for our little Mini and what never will be.
Unbeknown to others who didn’t know our struggles and recent miscarriage, they keep asking me when will we be having children or is there not a baby on the way yet. It’s heartbreaking. I want to scream at the top of my voice how insensitive they’re being and how hard it is to tell them ‘no not yet’... it’s soul destroying. I appreciate they don’t know and don’t understand what we are going through but what gives them the right to ask such personal questions? Why is it that society expects children from married couples and when they haven’t had any yet, why do they think they should ask when will they arrive? Do they not understand that there may be problems?
The only way I could get my mind off our little Mini was to focus on getting pregnant again as quick as possible. I didn’t have much hope for my next cycle, Cycle 3, although I had read that you are most fertile in the months following a miscarriage. I started to track my BBT which left me frustrated for a long time as I did not appear to ovulate. My OPKs also were negative. It took until CD 29 for my increase in BBT to confirm ovulation on CD 26. It felt like the longest wait EVER! We had DTD 2 days before ovulation so I was not hopeful we would catch the egg this month.
During the dreaded TWW I experienced nausea and I tasted metal in my mouth, both symptoms of early pregnancy. I hoped it was but didn’t carry much hope. At 10DPO I woke up after a nightmare about my period coming and so I decided to take an early test. Negative. I went back to bed upset and took refuge with my pregnancy forum ladies. I then went back to the test some short while later and to my amazement, it showed a faint second line!! I shared it to my forum ladies and they said they thought I was pregnant. I was beyond delighted but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
That weekend I had bought a pregnancy test and my hubby asked me on Monday if I’d taken it. Of course I had! The day before I’d taken it but not told him because I’d decided to wait until 14 DPO to make sure it was a definite positive. I told him it was a faint positive but it was too early to tell...
Every day I took more tests and they got stronger and stronger until 14 DPO when I took a clear blue digi and it confirmed I was 1-2 weeks pregnant!!! I couldn’t believe it! Seeing those works on the little test made my eyes water with excitement, hope and joy but also with worry, doubt and fear. We were due to go to Edinburgh that very day to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary - what a lovely anniversary gift!! I ran downstairs to show my hubby the positive test. He was reserved and said he would not celebrate it until I got further than I had done last time at 5 weeks and 1 day. I had another 8 days to wait to see him get excited!!
We spent a wonderful weekend exploring Edinburgh for our wedding anniversary. Over the weekend my doting hubby took care of me and looked after me. I had to have naps every night because I was so tired after our exploring. I stuck to non alcoholic cocktails and joked with my hubby how we had to make it look like I was drinking alcohol in order not to raise suspicion. Our hotel had given us some complimentary prosecco, I poured it for a photo but did not drink any. What a waste but I was not bothered because I was carrying out baby, our little rainbow baby to bring us light after such a dark time.
Over the weekend my hubby’s excitement grew over our little rainbow. He was very supportive although he told me not to get excited too soon and too ahead of myself. He was understandably cautious after last time and our miscarriage. I appreciated him keeping my grounded. The only symptoms I felt were pain in my left nipple, bloating and tiredness.
On Sunday we went to our 2 nieces’ Christening where we were delighted to be Godparents. I spent the day surrounded by young children and my nieces. It was a wonderful day and people commented on how good I was with them. They said I was a natural with children, it’s a good job I thought! We went to see my Nanna who is in a home and had Alzheimer’s. She has not been well recently, she is bed bound and doesn’t speak much, if at all. I shared our wonderful news with her and asked her if she could keep our secret, to which she replied ‘right’ which was only the 2nd word she had said throughout our visit.
On Monday I returned to work and I was tired but happy. I was in meetings most of the day and got very little actual work done. During a 4 hour meeting I went to the toilet twice because I felt especially ‘wet’, I feared I was having a miscarriage but it was only CM. I was thankful but I couldn’t help to worry. I got home and lied on the bed for a bit to relax. I was too tired to exercise tonight and decided to rest. I went to bed full of hopes and dreams...
Tuesday 11th September, I woke up and started to get ready. I brushed my teeth and then went to the toilet. When I sat down I noticed some blood in my underwear. I quickly wiped and saw bright red blood. Lots of blood. Everywhere. Again. Why was this happening to us AGAIN? What had we done to deserve this? This time was different, I felt strange. I’d half expected it but wished it would never happen. I’d read online that getting pregnant first cycle after a miscarriage can be bad if your body isn’t ready to accept a pregnancy. I went downstairs and told my hubby. He hugged me and said how sorry he was. I cried a little but not a lot like last time... I felt numb. I went and lied down on the bed. I decided to phone EPU but they refused to see me because I was only 4 weeks + 5 days. Instead, they booked me in for a scan in 7 days’ time. I had to wait and see what happened but I already knew, there was too much bright red blood for it to be anything other than another miscarriage.
At work I struggled to concentrate, a familiar feeling I’d been experiencing since our first miscarriage. I was not interested in work. I’d lost enjoyment in my work which was unlike me but I can’t enjoy it since our miscarriages.
When I got home I cried, a lot. I wanted to get it all out before my hubby came home. When he did come home we curled up in bed consoling each other. He said he thought we should wait to try again for another baby because he thinks we need time emotionally to get over these two losses and also for my body to recover. He is being amazing and I know he cares about me and loves me to bits but all I want is to be pregnant with our baby.
I have so many unanswered questions. Why is this happening to us? What have I done wrong? Can I ever hold onto a pregnancy? Do we ever have a chance to have a baby if our own? What can we do differently next time?
I am upset this time with our second miscarriage but I’m also angry at myself. Angry that I got happy. Angry that I got excited and allowed myself to be excited. How could I? How could I let myself be happy and get excited? How could I let myself dream of our new life? We had started to plan our future, again, for it to be cruelly ripped away. Everywhere I look there’s babies or pregnancy related stories. I feel guilty for feeling jealous and resenting those with children. How horrible am I? What an awful thing to think? Who am I turning into? This isn’t me.
I lie here now, CD2, still bleeding. I hate the fact that my bleeding means I’m losing our baby, again. For a second time. What is wrong with my body? Why can’t I keep hold of our baby? I hate putting my sanitary towels in the bin as that could be our baby in there... I know it was only minute but it meant and still means the world to us. Two babies gone, two cycles in a row, two lots of hopes and dreams for our future ripped from us... is this all I deserve? I’ve been lucky to find my soul mate and be with him since I was 14 years old... others struggle to find ‘the one’.
I know we have only been trying for 3 cycles and in that time we have lost 2 pregnancies. It shows how super fertile we are. Sperm is obviously meeting the egg and fertilising. This cycle I got 7 positive pregnancy tests. It’s not in my head. I’m not imagining the symptoms and I’m not imagining the positive tests. Why is my body not able to accept our baby? Why can’t I stay pregnant?
I’ve got a million and one questions in my head. I’m feeling very low and sad and very emotional. I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow so I’m going to discuss it with him then. My husband is being so supportive and he is amazing. He is my rock. I couldn’t get though this without him. He wants to tell our family what we are going through but I don’t want the sympathy and attention. I feel like they will think I know how to cope having already got through one miscarriage. This one is different and I’m not sure how I’m going to get over it, not that I ever will, I just need to accept it and move on. These two babies are and were a part of me. I carried them for such a short period of time but they will be with me forever. Our two babies that were too precious for this world. Our two beautiful babies that we wanted so much but it just wasn’t meant to be...
I don’t know why I’m writing all of this. I don’t expect anyone to read it other than me. I don’t expect any reply. I just want to note my thoughts and feelings down and this, I felt, was the best way to do it because this forum has been my solace. The ladies on here have helped me through so much and I feel like I owe it to others, if this helps anyone at any point then I’d be happy but I really hope no one goes through this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Ok here it goes. I’ve decided to write this in a type of blog to help me and you never know, anyone else who might read this. Hopefully no one goes through what I’ve been through...
Earlier on this year my husband and I decided that I would come off the pill in May and we would TTC. We have been together nearly 15 years, married for 4 of those years. We both have good stable jobs and the timing is ‘right’ if there’s ever such a thing!
Cycle 1 in June I was late on my period and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was gutted when it came back negative and I came on a few days later but wasn’t surprised because it was my first month off the pill after being on it 14 years so I know it can take time to get out of your system.
Cycle 2 in July we had a really hot month and so my hubby and I only DTD twice. Both times were either side of my fertile window and I didn’t think much of it. When my period didn’t arrive I assumed it was just late again because of me coming off my pill. After being 2 days late I bought a pregnancy test and was amazed when it was positive. It was so unexpected I couldn’t believe it! The next day I bought a clear blue digi test and was so excited when I saw it say 1-2 weeks pregnant. It felt like it was just ‘meant to be’. I showed my hubby the test and he didn’t believe it either!! I was so excited that I decided to document my pregnancy through photos and my growing bump. I took a photo every morning so I could see it grow
The next day, we got to talking about our pregnancy and planning or new life. We decided to move our house around to accommodate for our new baby and decorated our new living room. Over the next few days we spent lots of time painting which gave me lots of time to think about our baby. Our little Mini as I called it.
On the Saturday we went shopping to get all new stuff for our living room. We saw baby stuff out whilst we were out and we glanced at each other and smiled. Not yet, I was only 5 weeks pregnant and it is too soon to start buying baby stuff but I was still excited to think about it! Whilst we were out I started to feel nauseous. Even though it didn’t feel great I was relieved to get my first pregnancy symptom because up to then, I’d been feeling normal. When I returned home I still didn’t feel great so my hubby continued to paint whilst I rested. I started a pregnancy journal and spoke about how excited we were to have our little Mini, a wonderful surprise that we were delighted about.
That evening, just before going to bed, I went to the toilet and saw some slight brown tinging to my CM but I thought nothing of it... how wrong I was...
I woke up on Sunday 29th July at around 6.10am, unusually early for me at a weekend. My hubby had got up for work and had gone downstairs. I felt quite ‘wet’ in my nether regions and went to the toilet. As I wiped my world shattered. Bright red blood. Lots of it. I cried. I ran downstairs to my hubby whilst crying and hyperventilating. I was losing our baby. My hubby gave me a reassuring hug and we sat down on the couch. I phone the NHS 111 service who put me in contact with an out of hours midwife. She advised me to go to my local Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) on the following morning.
I told my hubby to go to work because there was nothing either of us could do. I lay on the couch and sobbed. By dinnertime I got dressed and went to my sisters to help with my niece’s princess party. My family knew something was wrong and I broke down after the party and told them everything.
My family were amazing and supportive but there is nothing any of us could do. They said that at least I knew I could get pregnant and I should be happy about this at least... this is not what I wanted to hear right at this time.
On the Monday morning we went to our local EPU where they referred my for my bloods to monitor my HCG levels. If they doubled over 48 hours then everything would be ok. My hubby had done so much research and read so many blogs that he didn’t believe I was having a miscarriage.
On Monday afternoon the nurse phoned me to tell me that my HCG levels were at 10 and it was very unlikely that my pregnancy would be continuing. I felt numb. I was not in any pain and my bleeding had stopped. What had I done wrong? What had we done to deserve this?
My husband came home from work to be with me and we sobbed together curled up on the couch. He said he was surprised how much the miscarriage had affected him. He did, however, confirm that he wanted to try again to get pregnant and this made me happy.
I took 2 days off work to cry and mourn the loss of our baby. To grieve and think about all the ‘could have’ beens. I spent the following few days telling close friends at work and discussing it. I somehow felt like I should move on even though I didn’t feel ready to. I didn’t want to forget our little Mini for one minute but it wasn’t healthy for me to obsess much more about a dream of what could have been for our little Mini and what never will be.
Unbeknown to others who didn’t know our struggles and recent miscarriage, they keep asking me when will we be having children or is there not a baby on the way yet. It’s heartbreaking. I want to scream at the top of my voice how insensitive they’re being and how hard it is to tell them ‘no not yet’... it’s soul destroying. I appreciate they don’t know and don’t understand what we are going through but what gives them the right to ask such personal questions? Why is it that society expects children from married couples and when they haven’t had any yet, why do they think they should ask when will they arrive? Do they not understand that there may be problems?
The only way I could get my mind off our little Mini was to focus on getting pregnant again as quick as possible. I didn’t have much hope for my next cycle, Cycle 3, although I had read that you are most fertile in the months following a miscarriage. I started to track my BBT which left me frustrated for a long time as I did not appear to ovulate. My OPKs also were negative. It took until CD 29 for my increase in BBT to confirm ovulation on CD 26. It felt like the longest wait EVER! We had DTD 2 days before ovulation so I was not hopeful we would catch the egg this month.
During the dreaded TWW I experienced nausea and I tasted metal in my mouth, both symptoms of early pregnancy. I hoped it was but didn’t carry much hope. At 10DPO I woke up after a nightmare about my period coming and so I decided to take an early test. Negative. I went back to bed upset and took refuge with my pregnancy forum ladies. I then went back to the test some short while later and to my amazement, it showed a faint second line!! I shared it to my forum ladies and they said they thought I was pregnant. I was beyond delighted but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
That weekend I had bought a pregnancy test and my hubby asked me on Monday if I’d taken it. Of course I had! The day before I’d taken it but not told him because I’d decided to wait until 14 DPO to make sure it was a definite positive. I told him it was a faint positive but it was too early to tell...
Every day I took more tests and they got stronger and stronger until 14 DPO when I took a clear blue digi and it confirmed I was 1-2 weeks pregnant!!! I couldn’t believe it! Seeing those works on the little test made my eyes water with excitement, hope and joy but also with worry, doubt and fear. We were due to go to Edinburgh that very day to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary - what a lovely anniversary gift!! I ran downstairs to show my hubby the positive test. He was reserved and said he would not celebrate it until I got further than I had done last time at 5 weeks and 1 day. I had another 8 days to wait to see him get excited!!
We spent a wonderful weekend exploring Edinburgh for our wedding anniversary. Over the weekend my doting hubby took care of me and looked after me. I had to have naps every night because I was so tired after our exploring. I stuck to non alcoholic cocktails and joked with my hubby how we had to make it look like I was drinking alcohol in order not to raise suspicion. Our hotel had given us some complimentary prosecco, I poured it for a photo but did not drink any. What a waste but I was not bothered because I was carrying out baby, our little rainbow baby to bring us light after such a dark time.
Over the weekend my hubby’s excitement grew over our little rainbow. He was very supportive although he told me not to get excited too soon and too ahead of myself. He was understandably cautious after last time and our miscarriage. I appreciated him keeping my grounded. The only symptoms I felt were pain in my left nipple, bloating and tiredness.
On Sunday we went to our 2 nieces’ Christening where we were delighted to be Godparents. I spent the day surrounded by young children and my nieces. It was a wonderful day and people commented on how good I was with them. They said I was a natural with children, it’s a good job I thought! We went to see my Nanna who is in a home and had Alzheimer’s. She has not been well recently, she is bed bound and doesn’t speak much, if at all. I shared our wonderful news with her and asked her if she could keep our secret, to which she replied ‘right’ which was only the 2nd word she had said throughout our visit.
On Monday I returned to work and I was tired but happy. I was in meetings most of the day and got very little actual work done. During a 4 hour meeting I went to the toilet twice because I felt especially ‘wet’, I feared I was having a miscarriage but it was only CM. I was thankful but I couldn’t help to worry. I got home and lied on the bed for a bit to relax. I was too tired to exercise tonight and decided to rest. I went to bed full of hopes and dreams...
Tuesday 11th September, I woke up and started to get ready. I brushed my teeth and then went to the toilet. When I sat down I noticed some blood in my underwear. I quickly wiped and saw bright red blood. Lots of blood. Everywhere. Again. Why was this happening to us AGAIN? What had we done to deserve this? This time was different, I felt strange. I’d half expected it but wished it would never happen. I’d read online that getting pregnant first cycle after a miscarriage can be bad if your body isn’t ready to accept a pregnancy. I went downstairs and told my hubby. He hugged me and said how sorry he was. I cried a little but not a lot like last time... I felt numb. I went and lied down on the bed. I decided to phone EPU but they refused to see me because I was only 4 weeks + 5 days. Instead, they booked me in for a scan in 7 days’ time. I had to wait and see what happened but I already knew, there was too much bright red blood for it to be anything other than another miscarriage.
At work I struggled to concentrate, a familiar feeling I’d been experiencing since our first miscarriage. I was not interested in work. I’d lost enjoyment in my work which was unlike me but I can’t enjoy it since our miscarriages.
When I got home I cried, a lot. I wanted to get it all out before my hubby came home. When he did come home we curled up in bed consoling each other. He said he thought we should wait to try again for another baby because he thinks we need time emotionally to get over these two losses and also for my body to recover. He is being amazing and I know he cares about me and loves me to bits but all I want is to be pregnant with our baby.
I have so many unanswered questions. Why is this happening to us? What have I done wrong? Can I ever hold onto a pregnancy? Do we ever have a chance to have a baby if our own? What can we do differently next time?
I am upset this time with our second miscarriage but I’m also angry at myself. Angry that I got happy. Angry that I got excited and allowed myself to be excited. How could I? How could I let myself be happy and get excited? How could I let myself dream of our new life? We had started to plan our future, again, for it to be cruelly ripped away. Everywhere I look there’s babies or pregnancy related stories. I feel guilty for feeling jealous and resenting those with children. How horrible am I? What an awful thing to think? Who am I turning into? This isn’t me.
I lie here now, CD2, still bleeding. I hate the fact that my bleeding means I’m losing our baby, again. For a second time. What is wrong with my body? Why can’t I keep hold of our baby? I hate putting my sanitary towels in the bin as that could be our baby in there... I know it was only minute but it meant and still means the world to us. Two babies gone, two cycles in a row, two lots of hopes and dreams for our future ripped from us... is this all I deserve? I’ve been lucky to find my soul mate and be with him since I was 14 years old... others struggle to find ‘the one’.
I know we have only been trying for 3 cycles and in that time we have lost 2 pregnancies. It shows how super fertile we are. Sperm is obviously meeting the egg and fertilising. This cycle I got 7 positive pregnancy tests. It’s not in my head. I’m not imagining the symptoms and I’m not imagining the positive tests. Why is my body not able to accept our baby? Why can’t I stay pregnant?
I’ve got a million and one questions in my head. I’m feeling very low and sad and very emotional. I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow so I’m going to discuss it with him then. My husband is being so supportive and he is amazing. He is my rock. I couldn’t get though this without him. He wants to tell our family what we are going through but I don’t want the sympathy and attention. I feel like they will think I know how to cope having already got through one miscarriage. This one is different and I’m not sure how I’m going to get over it, not that I ever will, I just need to accept it and move on. These two babies are and were a part of me. I carried them for such a short period of time but they will be with me forever. Our two babies that were too precious for this world. Our two beautiful babies that we wanted so much but it just wasn’t meant to be...
I don’t know why I’m writing all of this. I don’t expect anyone to read it other than me. I don’t expect any reply. I just want to note my thoughts and feelings down and this, I felt, was the best way to do it because this forum has been my solace. The ladies on here have helped me through so much and I feel like I owe it to others, if this helps anyone at any point then I’d be happy but I really hope no one goes through this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
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sending you much love I am so sorry x
for you all x
