12 weeks on but birth still troubling me

[purpleslurple]

12 weeks ago I was induced at 40+12 and I had nobody with me during labour - alone in an induction bay in the dark as I was told there was no way I was in labour. I was induced at 6pm and wasn't checked on again until I rang the bell at 5.30am (LO born 8.14am). My husband missed the birth as by the time the MW finally examined me I was already 9cm and my son was born around 40 minutes later. I had no pain relief except 2 paracetamol and was completely abandoned by the midwife on duty.

I thought I was ok with it as my son is fit and healthy and that's all that should matter however, as more time passes I'm getting quietly more upset that my husband wasn't there and that I was in agony alone in the dark.

I did write a letter of complaint to the hospital and received a very thorough response which indicated that the midwife failed to do her job on a very quiet night in the unit. The midwife has been spoken to as there were things in the response that only she would have known - things that were said between us etc. I was satisfied with the reply as I thought it meant that a lazy nightshift midwife had been caught out and therefore wouldn't be able to do the same to someone else but now I'm feeling that it was really unfair how I was treated and she spoilt something we can never get back.

I don't know how to put it behind me - I haven't told OH how upset I still am as he thinks it's all forgotten about but it's really getting me down. Any advice?

 

[Emily0505]

Tfirst thing is to def tell your oh how you're feeling. If its getting you down then he can't help or support you if he doesn't know how you are feeling.

If you are not satisfied that the hospital has dealt with your complaint properly then go back to them and keep doing so until you are satisfied.

I am sorry you had a negative birth experience

XX

 

[Eryinera]

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. There are also more formal ways you can complain for mishandled birth (like your was) which should see that the midwife is properly taken care of rather than it being done internally with a slap on the wrist, that may make you feel better. But defiantly talk to your OH and your health visitor and maybe even look into getting counselling. Unfortunately what that midwife did and how she took away those special moments cannot be reversed but not talking about it can certainly make you feel a whole lot worse.

 

[ClimbingRose]

Im really sorry you had to go through this, and sadly it is far too common an occurrence in my opinion, women are often left alone and afraid.
Definitely talk this through with your husband, keeping it all inside will make it so much worse, also maybe look for support in others who've experienced similar. Here are some links you might find comforting.
http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2013/11/22/grief-and-guilt-the-birth-trauma-experience/
http://www.pixiecraft.squarespace.com/pixiecraftblog/2014/3/3/my-eldest-boy
Like any experience that has been damaging, you deserve to grieve and feel angry about it, and be aware it might take a very long time to come to terms with. Sending you lots of love and a big hug xxxx

 

[purpleslurple]

Wow, thank you ladies for your kind words and suggestions. Whilst I know I should talk to my husband, I think he feels guilty that he wasn't there although in no way was it his fault. If I keep going on about it it'll make him feel even worse that he wasn't there when I really needed him.

 

[BunnyN]

I just wanted to send hugs. The most important thing is that you and your LO are okay but it annoys me that people treat it like that is all that matters. Your birth experience is important too and you are allowed to be upset about what was misshandled and grieve the moments you lost, that doesn't mean you love or value your little boy any less. It is important to work through your feelings. Birth is a very intense experience and 12 weeks was not long ago. Looking after a newborn is a bit all consuming so you won't have had much time to work through your feelings in the first weeks. It is going to take you a while but I'm sure you will feel better with time. I think it is a good idea to have a good heart to heart with your OH about it. Posting on here is good too because you will find other ladies who understand how you feel.

 

[JD.Deedee]

I had a app with my consultant about 4-5 months after the birth of my son and I'm still furious with the midwife who ended up putting my baby in distress resulting in 3 degree tear and now for the life of me I wouldn't want more children. The last thing I want is that to happen again, my wishes were ignored. My consent or even better the consent I NEVER gave was ignored, I still want to complain but not so much to the midwife. At the end of the day she stayed within the NHS guidelines and that's the whole part that bothered me. My labour took too long so they felt like speeding it up. The damage done in my delivery just caused more and more delays after the birth I had little skin to skin before I was rushed into theatre and when my OH had to get my mom from reception the MW's and other nurses on the ward LEFT MY BABY ALONE!!!!!!! Then to think my mate who lives in Wigan had a very similar experience like yours in her hospital. All I can advise is go and speak to the consultant you were booked under, look at the notes from the night and explain to them how you feel about it and hopefully they can help you further so you can give it a place and move on take care xx

 

[Rednursie]

You poor thing, I am so sorry you experienced this, how horrible for you. I'm not sure how you'd feel about having counselling about this? Maybe this is something the hospital could arrange if you explained to them how you feel?
If you could try and talk to your oh about this too that would be great but I understand your reluctance. Hugs Xxx

 

[Sparklisam]

I had a traumatic birth and they advised me to speak to my midwife if I went home and had unanswered questions. This was all after being fully debriefed by lots of doctors / nurses etc. They were very supportive but advised I took their advise of I needed to. Would this be an option for you ?? Only because the community midwifes do communicate with the hospital ones and would know how to help you maybe ???

Hope u manage to find a solution and manage to find a way of overcoming this xx

 

[Mum2betash]

I'm sorry to read about how you were treated while in labour. I know it's probably difficult as you don't want to upset your husband but I Defently agree with the others about talking to him, but say its nothing to do with him not being there, just the way you was left by the mw's.. Just make a point of saying the way you feel is nothing to do with him. I'm afraid I haven't the faintest idea how to deal with the mw only keep on complaining until you feel better about it?! Though I guess that's not much help to you. Maybe you could speak with someone else on here with a similar experience, share your feelings etc.. I hope you start to feel better soon. Xx

 

[fao]

I understand how you feel. I too had a traumatic labour in the past and felt completely let down by the hospital staff. I won't go into it here, but I felt very bitter for a long time afterwards about the experience, and the distress it caused my newborn baby.
The only way I found I could get over it (to a large extent, not completely) was by talking about it. Write the whole story down, talk to friends, OH or on this forum, pursue your formal complaint further if you need to, seek counselling if you think that will help.
Eventually, you will feel less angry about it, and you will have got it out of your system. It took me a few years. You can't change what happened, but you can try and come to terms with it and you can change how you feel about it, in time. Just don't let it spoil motherhood for you or affect your relationship with your baby.
If you feel you are slipping into depression, please seek help asap.

Sending hugs.

 

[Jajis]

Sorry to hear that you had such a crap experience. My delivery did not go as 'planned' and my care afterwards was pretty poor to say the least. I'm still coming to terms with it, and my LO will be 20 months old this week, so I'm afraid that it's not necessarily going to be something that you come to terms with quickly.

I went back to the hospital when my son was about a year old (could have gone back much sooner if I'd told my GP how I was feeling) and had a debrief with a midwife. At the time I thought it was a really good idea (and I still do in general), but I don't think I was prepared enough, and hadn't really thought about what to ask etc. so I don't think I benefited from it as much as I could have done. I think that it was a huge factor (although not the only one) in my developing PND/anxiety, and I really wish that I had spoken to somebody earlier.

Like the others said, I really would speak to your OH - I'm sure he'll understand that it's the hospital that you blame, and absolutely isn't him. I would also ask whether you can have a debrief in person with a senior midwife, rather than just an apology by letter, as it would give you a chance to ask questions.

Hope you get the support you need

 

[Jajis]

Im really sorry you had to go through this, and sadly it is far too common an occurrence in my opinion, women are often left alone and afraid.
Definitely talk this through with your husband, keeping it all inside will make it so much worse, also maybe look for support in others who've experienced similar. Here are some links you might find comforting.
http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2013/11/22/grief-and-guilt-the-birth-trauma-experience/
http://www.pixiecraft.squarespace.com/pixiecraftblog/2014/3/3/my-eldest-boy
Like any experience that has been damaging, you deserve to grieve and feel angry about it, and be aware it might take a very long time to come to terms with. Sending you lots of love and a big hug xxxx

I just wanted to say thank you for posting the Birth Without Fear link - I've spent all this time thinking it wasn't okay to feel the way I feel about my birth, because I've had so many of the 'but you're both healthy so that's ok' comments since then. I'm sure the people are well meaning, but they just have no idea how it's affected me. My experience isn't exactly the same as the one in that blog, obviously, but it has a lot of similarities and it was so nice to read that and realise that I'm not the only one who feels that way.

 

[ClimbingRose]

Im really sorry you had to go through this, and sadly it is far too common an occurrence in my opinion, women are often left alone and afraid.
Definitely talk this through with your husband, keeping it all inside will make it so much worse, also maybe look for support in others who've experienced similar. Here are some links you might find comforting.
http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2013/11/22/grief-and-guilt-the-birth-trauma-experience/
http://www.pixiecraft.squarespace.com/pixiecraftblog/2014/3/3/my-eldest-boy
Like any experience that has been damaging, you deserve to grieve and feel angry about it, and be aware it might take a very long time to come to terms with. Sending you lots of love and a big hug xxxx

I just wanted to say thank you for posting the Birth Without Fear link - I've spent all this time thinking it wasn't okay to feel the way I feel about my birth, because I've had so many of the 'but you're both healthy so that's ok' comments since then. I'm sure the people are well meaning, but they just have no idea how it's affected me. My experience isn't exactly the same as the one in that blog, obviously, but it has a lot of similarities and it was so nice to read that and realise that I'm not the only one who feels that way.

No problem atall, glad it helped! Having a healthy baby IS important, but no-one should be able to dismiss your trauma just because of that. You are still entitled to your feelings, and it should be your right to talk about them and be supported xx

 

[Mummyof3tobe]

So sorry to hear you had a rotten experience. Like others have said it is Important to talk about it as it does help. I had an awful experience with my second child (quick induction, fast delivery, hubby almost missed birth, retained placenta, heavy blood loss and 2 blood transfusions). I didn't voice my issues early enough and PND crept in. I felt so traumatised by the experience that seeing heavily pregnant women or seeing anything pregnancy/labour related made me feel ill!



Talking with others helped most definitely.


Xx