When to stop bothering?

[stacey_lea86]

Okay, I don't usually like posting negative relationship threads about myself. But I have some things on my mind & I'm not sure how to deal with them.

A few months ago a girl added us on FB (ours is joint) I asked OH who she was, to which he replied he had no idea. So I sent a polite message asking who she was & which she replied 'I work with Craig, sorry for adding you' this sent alarm bells ringing straight away & I almost immediately had that 'gut feeling'

I asked him weeks later why he lied & he said he worked with her at some point & that he has to go through her for some things!

Weeks & weeks passed on & after nosying through her OH's FB I could see he was moaning about the same things I was; lack of sex etc. So this again made me very wary.

All during this time I was in bits to my OH telling him how I felt unloved & that how he always made sure he jumped at the chance for a night out in the corporals mess yet NEVER seemed to make an effort to take me anywhere & how I literally just felt like his 'fat housemaid'

I eventually found out my gut feelings were correct & he had sent a drunken email to me, this lassy & her husband explaining how he really liked her & how it was a shit thing to do etc.

We talked when he was sober & he said he didn't know why & that he felt like s**t & it was more for an ego boost (yet I was craving & begging for his attention at the time....Still am) he said he wanted to make me happy & never make me feel like that again (making me feel like a useless fat, housewife & childminder for him) and he suggested we go to relate, him stopping nights out & making more of an effort with me!

8 weeks or so on......AND NOTHING! I am so fed up of feeling like he doesn't appreciate anything I do. I am sat here all day feeling fat & ugly day in, day out. He doesn't want sex anymore. He comes home from work & sits on the other sofa. He doesn't show NO intimacy & NO interest in trying to better things.

I am a girl who needs affection, attention & I want to be taken out. I can't go out drinking so why doesn't he use his stupid brain & think of getting a childminder & taking me out somewhere.

I am 25, he's 27 & I am feeling like a 40 year old drawn down housewife.

I cry everyday because I have tried talking to him, emailing him & he says he doesn't realise he's doing these things. If I wasn't pregnant I hate to say it, but would probably be pushed into the arms of the next bloke that could show me some attention for half an hour! He gets and got his ego boost, so what about me?

I'm fed up of making an effort on asking & telling him how I feel I actually feel like a nag! I've stopped showering him with affection because what's the point? I thought it might make him see how I am feeling but he's just not bothered!

Where do I go from here?

Sorry it is a long one, I didn't mean it to be this long!

 

[Piglet10]

huni i dont know what to say really, for me i dont think i could have forgiven him, and 'ego boost' was most definitely not a god enough excuse for humiliating you, hope ur ok!

xxx

 

[Hayley1608]

i'm sorry your having a crap time.

I agree with the above. An ego boost is no excuse. If anybody needs boosting its you hun... with a bit of love and attention.

It's difficult because you are pregnant and it probably seems like the scariest thing in the world being on your own. I hate to say it but by the sounds of it this is what could eventually happen anyway. Do you really want to waste all that time being miserable? You could be spending that time learning to love yourself and concentrating on the good things in your life.

I dont really have any advice i just really hope your feeling better about things soon.

xxx

 

[stacey_lea86]

Thanks Hayley. I often think about this. When is it time to say enough is enough? I Know deep down he loves me but I just wish he could show it. Simple things like going to the cinema, bowling or going for dinner. He has his social time out in work, he plays football, golf & god knows what else for the army and occasionally goes away (although hasn't for a long time) for a few days to do this! Just the thought of this being the case every single day, home from work, kids to bed, watch tv, then bed it bores me. I am actually bored of the marriage & I know this is what happens when you become comfortable but I don't want that to be the case anymore!

 

[Lovisa]

Hi hun sorry to hear you are going through a bad time with your OH.
I don't know what advice I can give, as you seem to have already done the things that I would have suggested. It sounds like you are going more than half way in the relationship and have given him lots of chances.

Have you threatened him that you'll leave him if he doesn't change back to how he was (when times were good)? Or have you suggested going somewhere together to help talk things through? (Whether thats just the two of you or with somewhere else)

Hope things start changing for you soon xx

 

[ippa]

Im sorry your feeling like this hun!
I'm not sure about advice as the others have said everything I was thinking, but I think your a lovely strong lady, and I really hope everything works out for you!
XxX

 

[Marianne]

I'm sorry, i'm just going to be brutally honest and I'm sorry if it upsets you but to be honest, I think you know exactly what I am about to say and you know it in you're heart something is seriously wrong ....

No way was that an "ego boost" that he was looking for, maybe he was drunk and telling you and the girl and her oh how he felt for her but the saying is true ... when drunk the truth comes out ..........

who in there right mind would email that to anyone just for an ego boost ..... I mean come on hunny, let's be realistic .... he likes her clearly ..... doesnt mean he wants to leave you though but .....

if he has stopped wanting sex,etc you are going to have to sit down and have a good adult talk to each other ... he's maybe lost his way and thinks he wants different things .... who knows ... but you need to sit down and ask him for the truth so you can talk and move on with things or end the relationship before the wee bubba comes along and things get worse, and you wont want that happening around your baby xx

 

[Sophie Johnson]

*hugs*

 

[stacey_lea86]

Thanks ladies you all clearly stated what I actually feel & confirms my feelings (if that makes sense) I am going to try a tough talking session & get in touch with 'relate' myself. I Can then feel comfortable enough to talk & learn those communication skills we've obviously lost somewhere down the line!

 

[Hayley1608]

If only he was as concerned about your relationship as you are...

i agree with what somebody said about you going more than half way! As i said earlier i hope things work out. It's horrible when your unsure of your relationship especially in pregnancy. I know we went through a simular thing but luckily managed to re gain everything we had somehow lost. It's difficult but unless he is willing to participate in trying to make things better then i hate to say it will probably just stay the same. Its not you who needs to do anything... he needs a kick up the backside.

As i said in my earlier post i hope things get better. Remember that LO always has to come first now... stress is not good for your or baby and you both deserve more.

xxx

 

[stacey_lea86]

Well I've just found a lovely email from the woman in questions husband - to tell me to stop my husband emailing her as he's getting p**sed off with it!

My OH says he was just asking if they sorted things & was talking about the baby & us etc.

Am I wrong in thinking this is wrong & he should have stopped as soon as I found out the first time?

I'm very confused, angry & upset right now!

 

[Olive]

I wish I could say something positive, but I think you need to speak to your OH and consider leaving the relationship. You deserve much more than he is giving you hun. Much, much more xxx

 

[Squeakz]

if it was me hun, id break up with him. If my oh declares his feelings for another woman to not only her but to me and her oh, theres no way he respects or loves me. Im sorry if that comes accross harsh or mean! i promise i dont mean it to be. i think deep down you do know what you will do - whatever that may be - and that maybe you just need reassurances........dont let himtreat you lkie that, even if its talking about it or relate or whatever else needs to sort it out... sending you big hugs hun! x

 

[Lovisa]

Have you had the chance to talk to him since hun?

It is so sad that he is treating you like this hun. I don't want to upset you but he don't seem to be thinking of you or the baby you are both expecting.....
I hope since you have spoken to him, he has changed slightly and is treating you better, as you definately deserve better.
Sending you lots of *hugs* xx

 

[xshauna_bazx]

I would walk!!! You are worth so much more than this. Big hugs. x x x

 

[stacey_lea86]

No, not had chance to talk really. We had another major argument Friday night. Which has resulted in me feeling a bit low past couple of days!

The first time we had gone out together (my first time since December) to a leaving dinner/drinks. He wanted to carry on to the pub & I had said I didn't want too as it's far too smoky & small inside for me to be sat in. He kicked off as I said we came out together & that he couldn't just leave me to go home alone (I drove)

So that has made me think that really he does not respect my decisions or wishes. So I am still in a limbo.

I am thinking maybe a trial seperation before the baby comes. Obviously I will still want him to come home for tea & put the other 2 to bed every night & after he can retreat back to camp to his room. Maybe the space will do us good before baby 3 comes along. I can't exactly just jump in the car & drive back to UK to leave him. That is not an option with children in school & me being heavily pregnant!

Just don't know what to suggest!