What's considered cheating?

[violet13]

Hi, I'm newly married and I have something that I really need advice with I've found messages on my OH's phone from a married friend of her flirting and him saying she was lucky he hadn't taken her home after a friend banged his head and oh took him back to the flat last weekend (I was at home with our pets and tidying up) so to me it pretty much means something else. before this there has been another txt from a different girl and it looked very suggestive and wrong but oh explained and I put it out of my mind, now however I feel very hurt as he fancied this other woman ( the married one) a long while ago and honestly it's suggestive flirting hers are just as bad but he's do e it back and I'm not sure what to do if anything because now I don't feel like being intimate with him as all I can think is he's thinking of her. I'm very hurt over it and well I never thought I'd be having to think of what do if this ever happened which I didn't think it would. What do I do? Xx

 

[hayln]

The only thing u can do is be open and honest and tell him u have these worrys and anxiety and see how he reacts to it. Suggest that maybe you wouldnt feel so anxious if u spent more time togther? I have anxiety and I get these thoughts all the time sobur not the only one, im lucky that my OH is understanding and supports me where past bfs have just got annoyed and angry xx

 

[lisey]

I would be very upset by this. I would be open with him, tell him how it makes you feel and you really need to know if it has gone further than flirtatious text messages. He can't really talk his way out of his reply to her so he needs to fess up and apologise for that. You deserve the truth, it will only eat you up inside, I know this from personal experience with an ex. Hope you're ok xx

 

[violet13]

I'm not okay in all honesty, I'm angry and confused so I wrote a letter to him instead I honestly don't think I can face him over it. I don't want to touch him at all I feel dirty and very unloved. If I'm not good enough then that's the end for me. This is twice my trust has been called into question and we're married and so is she so I can't imagine how her husband feels it could of been harmless but he obviously wanted to do more with her than I initially thought if he said "lucky I didn't bring you back here instead the way you where with me" that's not a misunderstanding that's blatantly intent for more. Thank you both for your advice and help xxx

 

[violet13]

He's basically said it's my fault for going through his phone, and it wasn't serious it looks fucking serious. Excuse my language but I'm even more angry now than I was before xx

 

[lisey]

Sorry to say it but when men try to twist things to blame the woman, its to mask their guilt! Maybe you shouldn't have looked through his phone but there should be nothing to see, he is in the wrong. Plain and simple. The message he sent is pretty suggestive, I wonder how he would feel if you sent that to another man. Big hugs lovely. I do know how it feels, an ex of mine did this sort of thing to me and it really does eat you up inside xx

 

[RhondaLou]

Wow sounds like you are having an awful time. If it was me reading those messages I would be very hurt and annoyed. Whether or not you should go through his phone he shouldn't have them on there in the first place. And to turn it round onto you just shows that he knows that. How can it be your fault he sent the messages in the first place?! If he hadn't sent them you wouldn't bring it up would you so that makes absolutely no sense to me at all xx

 

[Flickalicious]

You're married, any sort of personal privacy goes out the window in my book. I don't mean 'girl chats' and 'lad talks' etc, things like that. But phones, laptops are free game to both in my opinion. There shouldn't be anything to hide. Id confront him and make him confess. He owes you an explanation and so does she!!!

 

[stiletto_mom]

His reaction is enough to make him look even more guilty. =/

He's got a lot of trust-repairing to do. You're lucky you didn't screenshot it and send it to her husband.

 

[violet13]

I've spoken to her and she was genuinely shocked, it was just a joke but he never puts haha or anything on the end of texts. I still haven't forgot it and honestly her being upset I thought that has made me think differently so I've spoken to my oh and said it looks wrong if nothing is going on then he can't txt things like that and assume I'm not going to see them and think he's done something. Xx

 

[MryAnn]

That would hurt and anger me probably more then it is you!

I don't blame you at all for being angry about it. Wonder how he would feel if you did exactly the same to him? Would that also just be "nothing"?