What to do?

[lea m]

Hmm my Oh is p*ssing me off to be frank!
I'll try and cut a long story short lol
We have been together nearly 10 years!
For 8 years he did naff all for us! Well cant say nothing but didnt do too much! I kinda thought of myself as a single mum as wherever I went, the kids did unless my mam would mind them, I did everything!! He was always "too busy"
Now during this time he was on drugs! He wasnt very nice and I wasnt happy at all just didnt know what to do about it!(after all them years my esteem was low and we had been together from me being 16! i didnt know anything else really)
Anways, last year I found that over the space of 3 years he had cheated on me! It had been over a year when I found out but obviously we split!
He quit all the drugs and really changed his whole life around! We remained friends and very suprisingly we got back together eventually!
Now I have a new problem!
Now, he does lots with the kids, always playing and taking them out and giving them thing?
Problem, now they ignore me and want their dad because he is soft with them! I say "bed time" he says in front of them "its only 7.30"
I have had them in a routine since birth lol and now he is undermiming me? Then he gives them sweets or things before bed?? WTF?
Or if Dillon comes down at 9pm and says he is hungry (when i know he cant possibly be) he will give him something then each night Dillon will come down wanting something and this isnt part of his routine! this isnt what he has done for all the other years of his life!!
They ask me for something, if I say no they will ask him and he often says yes!??
Im half wishing he would go back to being horrid and give me back my children! I brought them up I gave them the routines and said whats what now he is messing it all up and wont listen to me!? How do I make him see?! He thinks Im just moaning! "oh you moaned when I didnt do much now you moan when I do" etc etc
Im just feeling frustrated and down with it!
It may seem trivial to you guys! I cant quite get across what its like but how do I get Joe to see what he is doing?

 

[nori]

Hiya,

Well men usually need things completely spelling out to them in black and white. I would sit him down when the kids arent there and explain it to him in simple terms. Rather than say "you do this or you do that" tell him how it makes you feel. See if you can explain to him that you need to stick together and back each other up. If he has a problem with a decision then explain it when the kids arent there and you will do the same.

He probably feels that because he was useless in the past he has a lot of making up to do.

Good luck

Claire x

 

[bobby1]

you are certainly not being trivial lea, this is important to you and its important for the kids. they need consistency or they are bound to learn they can manipulate you and your OH by pitting you off against one another.

like claire said you really need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. not having a go at him, but opening a discussion and explaining why its important for you and the kids. if you place the emphasis on the kids he is less likely to come back with a response mocking you.

good luck hun

 

[nickilubs]

I think you just need to sit down and ask him really. Dont rant or shout just say "I appreciate how you have changed BUT the way you treat the kids isnt practical" if 7.30 is bed time say that they get tired also it gives you and him time to spend together. As to him buying them stuff then make clear thats brilliant but you need to agree too because they have now got it into their heads if mum says no then dad says yes and theres reasons to as why you have said no to some of the things they have asked your not just being tight. Think its just one of them things you have to sit and be nice about obviously he isnt doing it to upset you directly and it could well be out of guilt because he never did these things before and now hes trying to make up for it but its undermining you.

 

[NickyB]

I imagine he's making up for the past, or feels guilty for how he behaved. However, it's still not right and it is undermining you, I can only suggest a good heart to heart before the kids realise they can use Dad against you, if youo know what I mean?

 

[lea m]

Thanks everyone!!
Your all right! I have tried to talk to him but he doesnt seem to get what Im saying but I think we need a more detailed chat! Im too tired tonight lol! But tomorrow when the kiddies are in school I will explain to him what he is doing and how although Im proud of his change etc, he needs to keep with the routine etc! I get mad as I think he thinks all the hard work I have done with the children wasnt right and he thinks he can do better etc but I know now Im being over emotional!
You are right, he isnt doing it to be funny or anything but probably feels guilty and is over-indulging them! I will kindly point that out and tell him he doesnt need to try and make up for the past as the children have forgotten about that now!
Once again thanks everybody!!

 

[mamichuli]

I really sympathise with you on this one, as I had this prob with my ex when he was still around, all of the above applies, but another point to make is that by letting the kids do what they want and undermining you, they will lose their respect for you, and I am sure that your OH doesnt want that! In my house, if one of us says something to one of the kids, the other one goes along with it. If he or I are unhappy with what the other one has said, we discuss it later in private - the kids ALWAYS see a unified front - and if one of them asks me for something, gets a NO and then goes to OH and asks, it usually comes out and then the child in question is in REAL TROUBLE. The punishments for that are so unpalatable that they dont try it often.

Also if he complains that you use to moan when he did nothing and now you moan that he does, maybe point out that this is a learning experience for you both, kids dont come with manuals, and he didnt really think it would all be just right, without working at the parenting thing? Parents are always working on ways of making their childrens upbringing better! It is a lifelong task, i am afraid...

Hope you can sort it, hun...

Lisa

 

[lea m]

Thanks Lisa!
Well so far so good! I had a chat and explained to him what he is doing etc and he agreed with me and said in future he will think before he speaks!
The children never used to ask me then ask their dad, this is something that they have recently started doing as Joe has been to soft! So now hopefully they will stop that again! They do get into major trouble for doing that but it hasnt stopped them completely! Well it has the boys but not the girl! I think that is because he is even softer with her!
This was the one thing that when I was pregnant with my first, I told him I felt was most important in bringing them up right! I felt so angry that now all of a sudden he was messing it up but now hopefully he has realised what he was doing before it got to the stage where it was too late! (mind you I think I would have asked him to move out if it would have come to that lol! )

 

[DaisyRose]

Hi Lea,

I don't think you're being trivial at all - recently I went on a holiday with the inlaws and their contradicting what I said to my kids on just two occasions did a fair bit of damage!!!! Kid's are so tuned in to that kind of stuff - they pick up on everything and play on it!!!

I remember reading in one of those child behaviour books that one of the most important things is a parental united front. I'd say keep talking to your OH until you get through as it could lead to behaviour later on that will affect both of you. I guess it is understandable that he's trying to make up for the past, but he needs to understand how important it is, and how ultimately, it is better for the kids.

All the best,

 

[lea m]

Thankyou!!