What to do?

[Danti]

I'm unsure whether this should be here or in the finances section.. anyway me and fob broke up this morning, I don't know how I feel about it, at the moment I couldn't careless. However what I do care about is if this is going to be a permanent thing, what do I do regarding finances and stuff, who do I contact? I definitely do not want to stay in the town I'm living! In only here for him, I don't know anyone except his family and tbh think this may have added to the break up. I'm not really close to my mum or family either. Basically I'm a stupid, fat loner who nobody likes much. Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

[Jaxx01]

Hey hunni so sorry to hear your news if I were you, I would sit right for a couple of days, once the initial shock is over with it might be easier to make some decisions. If you look in the single parents but there's quite a few posts along the same lines. xxxx

 

[LoopyLouize]

Hey hun, I'm so sorry this has happened



Agree with Jaxx though, maybe sit down and let the split sink in, before worrying over your finance etc. Xxx

 

[Danti]

It's suddenly hit me like a tonne of bricks! I'm sobbing my heart out and I can't stop. I have nobody I can turn to about this and am feeling so alone. The child won't nap and is shouting in reply to my sobs, its a game we play she shouts, I shout etc.. so am just glad it doesn't seem to be upsetting her. I keep thinking how am I going to cope on my own but then I am reminded that I do it mainly by myself anyway, the argument this morning was started by the fact he'd left her sit infront of the tele in her pjs and not changed the nappy she'd been in all night! But he hadn't woken me till just before he was going to leave so it was my fault for not getting up and doing it. He couldn't take a couple minutes out to do it so left it to me and because I woke up late its my fault she was in it as long as she was!

 

[Sarah13]

Awww don't do anything too hasty. See how things stand when if gets home and you can have a long chat to see what is best. Don't be worrying about finances just yet, there's always help out there and your oh will have to contribute anyway. Try and relax just now best you can xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I agree don't be too hasty and don't be so hard on yourself being a single parent isn't as hard as most people think.. I find it easier tbh!! For finances the citizens advice bureau will be able to talk you through it all.. Don't panic everything will be fine.. Even though your not close to your family I'm sure they will be there for you..
It's not right what he done this morning, your child is his responsibility too.. He needs to understand that!xx

 

[Danti]

He's away tonight with his effing band! Like he is most weekends and three nights a week for practice! So if he does come back (I've told him not to) I'd see him for an hour tops! This is also another major problem for me! He works 5 days a week 9-5, 3 nights a week he's at practice 6-10, and most weekends he's away Friday afternoon till early Monday morning going to gigs that don't excite him to play for people that don't care and/or venues that are empty! He doesn't see a penny for these gigs and is sometimes expected to miss work and lose a days pay for a gig. Everytime I try and talk to him about this he always replies with "well you knew I was in a band before you got with me" yes ok, fair enough but things have changed! Before I couldn't give 2 shits if you lost money! Now we have a baby and a house to keep! You can't afford to be losing money!! But no.. it falls on deaf ears and then its treated as if it never happened! He goes back to acting normal and I'm left to stew. It is the same every, single time! Nothing ever gets worked out because he storms off and then returns as if nothing was said at all! And I'm so tired and upset.by this point I just can't be arsed to bring it all back up again. Well today I've had enough!

 

[Jayceesmumma]

My friend got married to a guy in a ban an he was touring America for 6 months at a time etc and sending her any money he could for the mortgage etc.. But as he wasn't making enough money he gave it up to be home an work a normal job to help with the bills etc and they don't even have a baby.. I'm sorry but being a father is more important than playing rock star he needs to sort his priorities!! His child isn't going to know who he is the first few years are the most important! He should give it up and pick it up again in a couple of years.. My friends hubby still plays in a band just a more local one and it's more of a hobby than anything else and he only plays gigs every now and then to get his 'fix' of being a drummer.. The old band still tour etc but he's not a part of it anymore.. It was really hard for him to leave they toured with Alice cooper and everything! But he saw she was struggling and he chose his wife instead of his dream..

 

[Danti]

I wish he would realise that. His band are good, that's how we met to begin with and he uses that against me everytime. But they're not going anywhere. This makes me sad because I'd love for them to become successful but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I don't want to give him the 'its us or the band' ultimatum and I never will, its not right for me to do that. But like you said he's missing out on so much! And for nothing!

 

[Danti]

I've asked him to come home for lunch so we can talk. If he doesn't then I will finally know how much we mean to him..

 

[BabysMomma]

Awk hun. You seem to be a wee bit down too. I could be wrong...but the fact that you've called yourself names and feel like a loser makes me want to give you a big You are NOT any of it.

It's hard when you're not surrounded by family and friends. I envy people who have lovely friendships and family. I have an abnormal family and i don't build friendships too well as I have trust issues where friends are concerned. My OH has his friends and family and I feel lonely quite a bit too, even though I'm starting to build a relationship with one of my sisters who has had a baby 4 months ago I still don't have any real support.

I find going to parent and baby groups helps a wee bit. It's gets you out of the house, LO gets to interact with other LOs and you get to have a cuppa and a chat. Do you get to go to things like that?

Is there a possibility that you resent OH seeing as nothing has seemed to have changed in his life since baby's arrival but your world has changed immensely? To be truthful I know I would feel resentful.

I hope he's come home for lunch and you both have been able to talk things through. xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Hope you've been able to talk things through.. If u tell him to leave the band he will throw it at u forever it has to be a decision he makes by himself..xx

 

[Danti]

He came home for lunch and we talked. Apparently it had been agreed that if we were to have an argument in the morning then we were to let it slide as we're both ****s in the morning!? I can't remember agreeing to this.. but whatevs. We're ok, he listened to me and seemed to take on board what I had to say. Gave me a hug and wiped my tears. I'm extremely lucky really, I have no one else to vent frustrations at so he gets it all, I'm surprised he hasn't left me.

BabysMomma, I really am! I'm a whole load of messed up lol, I have suffered depression since I can remember and I have been diagnosed with severe PND, which apparently isn't severe enough to warrant counselling! But that's a different story. It's also been said I may have a personality disorder but I didn't rebook to check that because what they going to do? Try and stick me on more meds I'll refuse to take? I have trouble keeping friendships because I'm terrible at staying in contact! I just think they wouldn't want to talk to me, the conversation would be awkward, I have nothing interesting to say, and because of this I never get close to anyone enough to build a strong enough friendship.

I've done the baby groups and waterbabies, really pushed myself to get friendly with a girl around my age with a daughter a month younger than Gracie, but she wasn't interested. Showed interest at the time, even swapped FBs but haven't heard a peep off her since, she was even moaning on FB the other day about having no friends with babies to tell her she's doing ok. I was like 'HELLO!!' But what can you do.

And yes I do resent him sometimes! Really, really resent him! But I didn't exactly have a life before Gracie and now I have Gracie so I really shouldn't complain. And anyway he's the one missing out on everything for a lost cause.

JM- I know! He really would! And so would the other members. I would forever be the bitch that broke up the band! So no I'm not touching that decision with a barge pole, it is entirely his! xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

massive hugs babe There's arguing in the morning and there's leaving your baby in a pissy nappy... He really needs to get his act in gear and be a dad ASAP!
I hope he sees sense and puts a hold on the band very soon.. U can always tell him how much u miss him and how much hes missing out on watching his child grow up.. Things like that.. Might nudge him to make the decision?? Lol!
In the meantime dont be so hard on yourself you can request councilling surely???

 

[BevG]

I have trouble keeping friendships because I'm terrible at staying in contact! I just think they wouldn't want to talk to me, the conversation would be awkward, I have nothing interesting to say, and because of this I never get close to anyone enough to build a strong enough friendship.

i know EXACTLY what your saying here hun lol. im terrible at keeping in touch cos im sure ppl have more interesting things to do than talk to me too. i would love a close friend, really and truly i would but i just cant figure out how to do it or what ppl do to become close. i have no secrets and im really open and honest about myself, i try and be really friendly and i can be a bit overly happy. bit of a manic happy person here really but my oh finds me amusing and i can usually keep happy no matter what so maybe i could cheer you up from time to time. i really honestly meant it when i said id meet up with you if you wanted to just name a time and place. you can even pm me your number if you want and i'll give you mine, im much better at text conversations. i know a few band guys and what they are like so i can understand how lonely you must get and i feel my oh misses out on things and he only works in morrisons in the evenings so hes around a lot more than yours. i hope he gets his butt in gear and keeps in mind the things you talked about.

when you argue never split up in anger, always agree that unless you actually have a discussion about splitting up and what you will do to split when you have both calmed down then you havent broken up. its ok to fight sometimes and it dosent have to be the end. id just try not to say anything that you dont want to happen and try and make him agree too so you dont think your broken up if you havent talked calmly about it if you know what i mean, sorry im rambling a bit now

 

[Danti]

Jm, I did request it and that was the reply I got, that they didn't think I was messed up enough for it and that I seemed to be coping fine. I did it through my hv too.

Thank you Bev, I'll pm you my number now.

Thank you ladies for your support and hugs, means the world! Me and oh seem to be good now, we've had a few more rows since Friday but it was mainly me getting the rest of what was eating at me out. It feels good to let go of it all and hopefully will be the end of it and we can work it so we are both happy xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

It's defo good to get it all out I hope u can work on things
That's awful they've said that I couldn't imagine how horrible that may feel to hear that

 

[Kayelle]

I am finding it hard to make friends too , sucks. I am awful at keeping in contact cos i feel they would rather be with the friends they already have etc. Everyone, and i mean everyone round here have known each other forever do already have groups I'm finding hard to squeeze into
Glad things are better with you and oh

 

[Danti]

I'm trying not to dwell on it Jm, just thinking that maybe they've suffered with the budget cuts that are going on and/or that because I've had depression for so long, was diagnosed at 13, I've got my own little coping methods and am able to think logically about why I'm feeling the way I am which means I was able to come off medication and the hv has witnessed this so that probably played a part too. It doesn't stop the downs though and they have become more frequent due to dwelling on what happened through my own childhood when I think about what I want for Gracie. So I guess I just wanted someone to talk to about that. Sorry that was a bit rambley.

It really is horrible kayelle

 

[knopk@]

Oh hun, sorry you feel.this way but its good you are talking it through.
I can relate re friends to certain extent as i moved to the UK with DH nearly 3 years ago but he used to live in London so had friends and i didnt.
I then had a mc and had noone to talk to, thank God i found PF when i got pg with my son.
I have acquaintances but making close friends at this age is difficult. My DH is my best friend but of course i am now at home with the LO and he works, i have to get outside every day to keep sane.
I am lucky that i live in town and you.can chat to people even at the playground, small conversation and you might or might not see them.again, but even this helps.

Hoping your OH can put himself in your shoes and support you more.
Its really tough bringing up a child in the best of times

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