what to do?

[laura dec 1988]

hey ladies,

As you can see im completley new to this sight. i just thought coming on here might help me with a bit of advice and help. I have a lot of family and friends to
support me but its sometimes nice to have a different point of veiw from someone you don't know. So hopefully this forum will help

I'm 21 and currently just over 17 weeks pregnant with my first baby, im over the moon. It wasn't planned but a blessing in my eyes. My partner left me when i announced my pregnancy and has been nothing but nasty and hard work since, saying that im crackers for keeping the baby ect ect. One min he wanted to be a daddy and next he didn't!! He didn't make the 12 week scan (most amazing experience of my life) although he looked really pleased when
i showed him the pic of our baby. I invited him to my midwife, so that we could
hear the heart beat together...he slept in!! Then came to my house shouting and blaring that im crackers and that he isn't going to pay for this baby and he
no longer wants anything to do with me. In anger i told him to delete my num and never contact me again....was this right??

I sat down afterwards and felt that i shouldn't deprive my son or daughter of a father...but im sick of giving him chance after chance to be there. He just messes me about and he completley ruined the first 13 weeks of my pregnancy. I no longer want to be with him...based on the way he has tret me...but do i just leave him now that he has made a decision that he does not
want anything to do with the baby? Or do i txt him and let him no things from my apps, like the sex ect and see if he comes round?
everyone os telllin me im better off without, but as much as i hate him he is
still my bubba's daddy?

sorry for the life story ladies......any advice will be much appriciated.

thanks again

 

[plz2ndbabysoon]

congrats on what will be the most amazing experience of ur life.....

i was in a similar position so thought id let u no how i dealt with it.....

well i fell pregnant at 20 my OH was only 17!!!!! although we got on so well at the time, and he was good wen i told him the news, he was just 2 imature to take on me, (MY HORMONES) and how to behave wen u have a pregnant girlfriend.....

so i decided that we shud seperate, although remainded on good enuf terms, i didnt need the pressure of an imature boy wen i was dealing with hormones and constantly being sick for 9 months...

we was at some scans and at the birth..... after having a 34hr labour and baby born not breathing (but eventually thank GOD came round ), we decided to give it another go...

we are now togther 6 years, a beautiful son coming 3, TTC a wee bro/sis, and getting married today next year!!!!!

i dont know if this will help you in anyway shape or form, just wanted to show you that although he sound like hes being an immature fcuker at the minute it mite not always be like that.. but if he chooses not to be there, fcuk him!!!!

with the help of god, u will have a beautiful healthy baby and im sure u will be a brillant mum...... sometimes kids (and their mums) can be happier without a man in ur life.....

my moto: WHAT WILL BE WILL BE!!!!! EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON..

so for the time being 4get him, enjoy ur growing bump.... xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[evie_smith]

I would text him once at the 20 week scan the sex and then see if he gets back in touch and go from there if not or it goes bad just text him when baby is born weight sex for def and hair colour ect . . . then its up to him let him know you wont stop him seeing the baby when you text him but if he isnt ready for the responsability then not to worry - you are better on your own if he is going to be a pain but if he is going to be ok then let him uno dunno if that helps hun but its all i can suggest as i have never been in this situation myself x x x

 

[Mamafy]

I think you can only do so much, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!

At the minute when he makes promises he's just letting YOU down but if he makes the same promises when the baby is here then he's letting the baby down too.

It will ultimately be his loss anyway

 

[laura dec 1988]

Thanks for ur adivce girls. I've still not heard a word from him. I find it so hard to believe how he can go to sleep at night knowing he has a baby on the way and he can just forget it i could never do that to my bubba. I understand the pregnancy was a shock i was shocked too but im 5 months pregnant in a few weeks you think he wud have time to think about it.

I would personally rather him not be there, judgin on the way he has tret me, but my baby deserves a father so i suppose all i can do is keep tryin. Evie (just realised you have the name i want to call my little girl...if it is a girl haha beautiful name ) thanks for your adivce hun, and on the 20 week scan i will txt him and let him no everything is ok and the sex of bubba. He cant then say i never tried right??

thanks girls xxxx

 

[mrsH2009]

I too would put the ball in his count, tell him about the scan and the gender and if he can't be bother to get his arse ibn gear then, it's his loss

 

[laura dec 1988]

ur right xx

 

[Paratus]

I think you're dealing with someone who's a bit immature and is finding the shock of the pregnancy very difficult to deal with, but I'd caution against immediately going for the harsh "screw you I'm better on my own, it's your loss" stuff.

You have 90% of the stuff to deal with in the pregnancy, but for any soon-to-be-father, it can be a phenomenal shock too, but it's not really the done thing for the father to feel like he needs any support or help. It's hard to adjust to, thinking that there's a ticking clock there, and when it hits 9 months, you've got a son or daughter forever; it's mindblowing when you think of it.

If he's around your age, then the average 21 year old bloke probably didn't have a child in his plans for the next 4 or 5 years at least. It'll be hard for him to come to terms with the fact that his life will change completely, his focus will shift completely, and yes, there'll be a big financial burden which he probably hadn't planned for.

I guarantee he's partially in denial and very very scared about what's going to happen. It's very easy for you to say "this is my problem" and tell him to sod off, but it's still his baby too, and he's still going to be affected by it for the rest of his life. He'll be awake worrying about how he could afford to provide for both of you, or how he'll cope with one of the thousand new experiences he'd be getting once the little one's born, and the immature reaction is to lash out at you when he doesn't know the answers himself.

My advice? If you love him and want him to be involved, then someone (not necessarily you) needs to offer him a bit of support. Things aren't as difficult as he'll imagine they could be, and it's best if he tries to get used to it.

I wasn't very nice to my OH at the start of our pregnancy, and it's because I was shocked and distressed, to be honest; it was a massive, unexpected bombshell, and I suddenly had to try and arrange my life at an extremely busy time to support a pregnant wife and then a baby. I had to figure out how we were going to get by on one salary, what benefits (if any) my wife could get based on our household income, change plans for paying off university debts, change plans for my next job, our car, all our finances, everything. I had to work out how my job would work with paternity issues, and then things like childcare or providing for both of us when the maternity allowance ran out.

So there's a lot to take in, suddenly, and sometimes when you have your own stresses (I was working a particularly difficult job 200 miles away at the time too!), it's not easy to be supportive. Things improved for us because I could deal with it eventually, and frankly just got used to the idea.

So don't put too much pressure on him, and don't dismiss him out of hand. He will regret this (I wish I had been nicer, and I'm glad I was from about half way through onwards!), but don't shut him out and just come on here bitching about him. Help him if you can, or get someone else to offer him some support.

 

[evie_smith]

thankyou - my full name is evelyn but everyone calls me evie x