my god, you dont know how much i need to talk to someone, anyone about this. i am so miserable, i dont know what is wrong with me.
I live in France, my husband and i came here nearly two years ago with 2 horses and a dog, since gained a cat, to start a new life and renovate our old farmhouse.
2 years further on we are still living in what can only be described as a hovel. we may have running water, a roof and electricity now but the place is freezing, not one room is anywhere near finished and i am 13 weeks pregnant with our first baby.
We have very little money. We have a car and a van both in bad repair and possibly could pack up at any moment. i have to get up at 3.15 in the morning to feed and muck out my beloved horses and do everything else nessersary to get to work, a 45min drive away, down really shit roads without falling asleep. i am so knackered i can barely keep my eyes open half the time but i cant give up work as my husband has just finally been given a permenant contract and i cant jepodise that by skiving or not working and claiming, that is even if i could. the pregnancy, at least is going well i suppose. i have had no sickness just mild nausea occasionally, a few migraines, probably stress and a couple of terrible colds. i have seen the baby once at 9 weeeks, a little cashew or petite pois i am due for my second scan tomorrow.
as my husband has got his contract we have decided to give up on renovating, take up a mortgage again and buy a new house that has much less to do. we have found a really nice place, but it has no room for my horses, so i am charged with the task of trying to find somewhere for them to graze and stable.
it was my 26th birthday last sunday and i could barley drag my sorry ass out of bed into the freezing cold. i cant remember the last time i smiled for no particular reason, i cant even bring myself to look forward to this scan tomorrow or the prospect of finally living in a house with central heating. i get angry at everything, cry at everything, get accussed of having an attitude and told to pull myself together. i even got jelous today because a girl at work is 6 weeks further on than me and you can tell she is pregnant, you cant with me, im just naturally podgy on the tum.
i have got to the point where i cant even get it into my head that there is a baby inside me, something i have looked forward to for my whole life. i have no feelings towards it most of the time. i want to be excited when people buy me baby things but it just doesnt interest me. i want to look forward to things, i want to be happy, but i am so miserable i dont have a clue how i am going to cope. i have no one to talk to that helps. i dread getting up in the morning, i hate my job wth a vengence. i just wish something would lift this blackness and stop me feeling that when i do fall asleep at the wheel, which happens a lot for a fleating second, that maybe oneday it would be for longer and i wouldnt have to wake up at all.
I live in France, my husband and i came here nearly two years ago with 2 horses and a dog, since gained a cat, to start a new life and renovate our old farmhouse.
2 years further on we are still living in what can only be described as a hovel. we may have running water, a roof and electricity now but the place is freezing, not one room is anywhere near finished and i am 13 weeks pregnant with our first baby.
We have very little money. We have a car and a van both in bad repair and possibly could pack up at any moment. i have to get up at 3.15 in the morning to feed and muck out my beloved horses and do everything else nessersary to get to work, a 45min drive away, down really shit roads without falling asleep. i am so knackered i can barely keep my eyes open half the time but i cant give up work as my husband has just finally been given a permenant contract and i cant jepodise that by skiving or not working and claiming, that is even if i could. the pregnancy, at least is going well i suppose. i have had no sickness just mild nausea occasionally, a few migraines, probably stress and a couple of terrible colds. i have seen the baby once at 9 weeeks, a little cashew or petite pois i am due for my second scan tomorrow.
as my husband has got his contract we have decided to give up on renovating, take up a mortgage again and buy a new house that has much less to do. we have found a really nice place, but it has no room for my horses, so i am charged with the task of trying to find somewhere for them to graze and stable.
it was my 26th birthday last sunday and i could barley drag my sorry ass out of bed into the freezing cold. i cant remember the last time i smiled for no particular reason, i cant even bring myself to look forward to this scan tomorrow or the prospect of finally living in a house with central heating. i get angry at everything, cry at everything, get accussed of having an attitude and told to pull myself together. i even got jelous today because a girl at work is 6 weeks further on than me and you can tell she is pregnant, you cant with me, im just naturally podgy on the tum.
i have got to the point where i cant even get it into my head that there is a baby inside me, something i have looked forward to for my whole life. i have no feelings towards it most of the time. i want to be excited when people buy me baby things but it just doesnt interest me. i want to look forward to things, i want to be happy, but i am so miserable i dont have a clue how i am going to cope. i have no one to talk to that helps. i dread getting up in the morning, i hate my job wth a vengence. i just wish something would lift this blackness and stop me feeling that when i do fall asleep at the wheel, which happens a lot for a fleating second, that maybe oneday it would be for longer and i wouldnt have to wake up at all.