Was anyone 'not maternal' before becoming pregnant?

[MissK]

Hi, I am new here and I understand this part of the forum is where I can ask mum's questions? Apologies if I have got it wrong.

I was wondering if there was anyone out there who would describe themselves as 'non-maternal' before they got pregnant? I have never been one for holding other people's babies and find the whole thing terrifying (am scared will hurt another person's child and so am very uncomfortable and stiff). Even small children I find quite hard work and boring, until they get to about 3 or 4 and can properly interact.

I am pregnant although it was not planned. I am 31 years old and have been with current fiance for 12 years so it is not that I am too young or that I have not met the right person. I am just so worried that I will have the baby and not love it properly or be awful mum as not maternal enough.

And I really really do appreciate the fact that this might be insensitive to those trying to conceive who really want a baby, and I do apologise. My best friend is having IVF after trying for 3 years and I can't bring myself to tell her about my accidental pregnancy. So I am sorry if my posts upset anyone.

 

[beanie]

I was so not maternal, I didn't particularly like babies or find them interesting, thought children with snotty noses should be banned, didn't like holding them, nothing. Yet here I am 4 years later with my own snotty child and a baby - and I have turned into this crazy hippy mum who carries her kids all the time, breastfeeds and uses cloth nappies. I don't recognise myself at all but I love it

 

[widowwadman]

I always liked children, and Mills was planned, but I was still shouting "I'M NOT READY YET!!!!" when they wheeled me into theatre. As soon as she was born I started coming round to motherhood, although sometimes it still makes feel weird.

 

[*Rainbow*]

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[nori]

I was never one for holding other poeples babies either and to be honest found babies really boring until they reached about 1! When i became pregnant everyone seemed to think i should be really interactive with other peoples babies but it just wasnt me.

However, it really is so different when its your own baby, seeing them develop etc.. I must admit that im still not a great fan of the newborn stage. I love Ollie to bits but i found the first few weeks really hard. Now he is smiling and the wind has died down i can really see his little personality and it melts your heart. Trust me.. i never thought id be like that.

You will be just fine hun,

Claire x

 

[trixipaws]

omg yes meeeeeeeeee! LMAO i was the unlikeliest mum-to-be EVERRR i was like a spoilt little brat myself all i was interested in was clubbing and parties!

i just had no interest in babies or children- i didnt get it when women in the office leapt up and flocked around a baby when someone brought one in. it really baffled me! i didnt really like babies tbh i found them annoying the only experience i had of them i spose was in the supermarket , just hearing them screaming i always used to glare at my boyf and we'd say "ffs why do ppl have babies? what would u want one of those for, euw!"

got pregnant, unplanned, shocked everyone including- especially myself lol by adapting to the situation and swinging the other way!

 

[Mildly]

I wasn't very maternal at all. I had never held a baby or changed a nappy before my LO came along. In fact it was my OH who suggested having children and he pretty much had to talk me into it. We were TTC for 11 months before we fell pregnant and in a way I do think that helped me to come to terms and come around to the idea of being pregnant. I found that I had a lot of doubts about how I would be as a Mum throughout my pregnancy and I didn't really connect with my LO when I was carrying him. Well, not that I didn't connect but I found it hard to imagine my bump as a real baby, if that makes sense.

I think for the first six weeks or so after the birth, I found it really difficult. He was so demanding and I felt quite out of my depth. I had connected with him in the first few days and had experienced what I thought was a rush of love for him but was still coming to terms with how much my life had changed. Then about the time that he first smiled at me, I really and truly fell in love with my baby. That smile made all the hard work, sleepless nights, endless carrying round all so worth it! Now five months on, I can't imagine my life without him. We hang out all day and I am amazed by how much he develops every day. I really enjoy his company and we have a great bond. It was a real baptism of fire for me at the beginning and I'm quite proud of the way I have adapted to life as a Mum.

I still am a bit scared of other people's babies. I would be scared to hold or look after someone else's child too even though I am completely at ease with my son.

Wishing you the best of luck with your pregnancy and LO. I think the fact that you are having these worries about being a Mum probably means you will be great People always said to me that there is a natural instinct that takes over with your own and I have to say that is true in my case. I can always tell when my son has woken in his buggy even if it is facing away and he makes no noise - my OH has no idea how I do it and neither do I, I just know. Also good luck telling your friend, I'm sure she will be very happy for you

 

[purplepants]

I really was not maternal before getting pregnant with my first, i would go as far as saying that i hated having to visit people with kids, i found them to be really annoying but as my pregnancy progressed my views changed, I have found what I feel for my own children is very different to what I feel for other peoples children (especially when other peoples are badly behaved children, those ones still annoy me and i run a mile if possible )

 

[kadesmummy]

Me.

I actually hated kids, and i'm not joking.. now i'm the total opposite lol.

 

[charlotte_]

i agree with kadesmummy! i really did hate babies and children, they used to annoy me, and it frustrated me so much when someone i knew had a baby and wanted me to be all interested in it, and i've probably been guilty of dumping friends who have had children. but now i'm the complete opposite, if someone doesn't want to listen to me talk about zach for hours well they can just get lost haha!

my pregnancy too was unplanned - and when i started to tell everyone they were all suprised and asked me if i 'was sure'? because they didn't see me as the motherly type!

 

[mummykay]

me yes, hello lol

funny how u change when uv popped a sprog out

 

[MissK]

Thank you all so much for your replies I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear that others felt this way (especially with a really maternal sister and one pregnant best friend and another trying IVF!!). I guess I am so so freaked, and this is going to sound terrible, but this is the first crisis I can't use alcohol as a crutch (which I really didn't think of until I started questioning why I was freaking out so much). I am going to book a doctors app tomorrow and ask for some emergency bereavement counselling as my own mum dies very suddenly 8 weeks ago and I can't work out whether I am experiencing delayed reaction to that or that I am just not ready to have a baby. Thanks again xx

 

[Snuggle]

My own Mum used to say that the worst thing that could ever happen to a baby would be for me to be its Mother I hated kids, not just babies, all kids! I never wanted to hold other peoples babies and never wanted to talk about them. I didnt have a single maternal bone in my body. Then Maddison came along and changed my whole life and I thank God for her every day and obviously got all broody for another so we tried for this one

 

[xmcnickyx]

I wasn't very maternal at all. I had never held a baby or changed a nappy before my LO came along. In fact it was my OH who suggested having children and he pretty much had to talk me into it. We were TTC for 11 months before we fell pregnant and in a way I do think that helped me to come to terms and come around to the idea of being pregnant. I found that I had a lot of doubts about how I would be as a Mum throughout my pregnancy and I didn't really connect with my LO when I was carrying him. Well, not that I didn't connect but I found it hard to imagine my bump as a real baby, if that makes sense.

I think for the first six weeks or so after the birth, I found it really difficult. He was so demanding and I felt quite out of my depth. I had connected with him in the first few days and had experienced what I thought was a rush of love for him but was still coming to terms with how much my life had changed. Then about the time that he first smiled at me, I really and truly fell in love with my baby. That smile made all the hard work, sleepless nights, endless carrying round all so worth it! Now five months on, I can't imagine my life without him. We hang out all day and I am amazed by how much he develops every day. I really enjoy his company and we have a great bond. It was a real baptism of fire for me at the beginning and I'm quite proud of the way I have adapted to life as a Mum.

I still am a bit scared of other people's babies. I would be scared to hold or look after someone else's child too even though I am completely at ease with my son.

Wishing you the best of luck with your pregnancy and LO. I think the fact that you are having these worries about being a Mum probably means you will be great People always said to me that there is a natural instinct that takes over with your own and I have to say that is true in my case. I can always tell when my son has woken in his buggy even if it is facing away and he makes no noise - my OH has no idea how I do it and neither do I, I just know. Also good luck telling your friend, I'm sure she will be very happy for you

That's such a lovely post

I have always been fairly maternal but my pregnancy wasn't planned and I wasn't initially sure about continuing with it.

Like Mildy, I didn't feel any real connection to my bump (I didn't really have one TBH!) and didn't feel that initial rush of love that so many people had told me about. It was about 3 weeks after I'd had her that I actually felt that rush, when I was lying in bed with her and she was just staring at me.

Pregnancy is a shock and so you'll probably think the whole range of thoughts and emotions before the baby gets here. Doesn't mean you'll be a bad mum though! I was thinking the week before I went in to be induced that I was making an awful mistake and that I didn't want a baby and couldn't do it but I've found the whole thing surprisingly easy!

Good luck

 

[KJL]

Yes absolutely, I really stressed out through my pregnancy as although I knew I always wanted children I have never been very natural with other people's babies. I did wonder whether it would affect how I was with my own baby...well I can trully say, that although it sounds like a cliche, it is a totally different kettle of fish when it's your own baby. My maternal instinct kicked in instantly once Layla was born and my total over whelming love for her made the adjustment very easy. I did have a bad spell of PND but that did not effect how I felt for my daughter. Once I felt more confident in my ability to be a mum I took to it really easily..


I'm now a total convert and hoping to TTC no. 2

 

[ninjawomble]

Me!
I couldnt stand kids! But now Im such a loved up Mummy its unreal!
And everyone elses kids dont get on me nerves anymore!

 

[Kittykins]

TBH, it sounds as though the death of your mother is a bigger thing right now - and I can imagine it's going to numb you to everything else. I think the other thing is that once you get pg, you start thinking about your own upbringing, relationship with your mother, etc. I really would get some counselling if I were you, I'm sure that will help

As for being maternal, I am soooooo not a baby person. I've managed to offend so many friends by saying the wrong thing about their newborn! And everyone's baby cries as soon as it's handed to me. I find small children interesting though - from about 2 onwards. And for some reason, children of that age seem to love me, probably because I tell them the most outrageous lies ever. I've wondered many times whether I'm really suitable to be a mother, and I keep asking DH for reassurance, even though we've been together 11 years, we're 32 and 39, we were TTC for over a year, etc. This baby couldn't have been more wanted and planned, and yet...

I keep having this fear that I'm not ready - I sat down in what will be the baby's bedroom yesterday and cried for 30 minutes, because (and get how selfish I am!) I was packing away all my nice underwear, all the totally impractical lacy, frilly, beribboned stuff that's now 3 sizes too small, and I blubbed that I was never going to feel attractive again, my life was over, I'm going to be a frump limited to ugly maternity bras and granny knickers, I'm not going to be able to leave the house without a baby-appendage, and will I ever be me again?

DH laughed at me, and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself, finish packing away my stuff and then we could start thinking about decorating the room. Amazing how quickly I felt better.

I think we all go through this (at least I hope so) - it's a massive change. And right now, we don't even have the reward of the baby. We have the fat feeling, some get sick, we get movements (I am so not getting flutters, it feels like a small rodent trying to claw its way out), it's so hard to see beyond all that and beyond the stress and change. I guess that's why pregnancy lasts so long - it gives you a chance to come to terms with it before the baby arrives!


Good luck - and I hope you get that counselling soon. Maybe a couple of relaxation treats would help too!

 

[HannahD]

Me too!!! I've gone through life absolutely adament I never wanted children. Hated other people's kids and babies, didn't want to pick them up or interact with them in anyway and couldn't imagine myself with one.

Then, 2 years ago my neighbour had a little girl, I went round to see her and it was about 2 days after she'd given birth. I saw her sitting up in bed with her little girl lying across her arm and something in my changed. Suddenly, all my maternal instincts finally came out and I just looked at her and thought "yeah, you're what it's all about aren't you?" I NEVER wanted kids before that but that evening me and my hubby started trying.

I'm still not maternal with other people's children and generally find them irritating but I can't wait to be a mum myself.