warning - "sex discovery" scans

I had a private scan at the weekend to find out the sex of my baby. I had to go on my own and now can't tell a soul as the baby's dad really doesn't want to know.

Is this why I feel so "flat", so "disappointed"? Or is it because it's not the sex I imagined/most wanted? I didn't think I had such a definite preference beforehand...or is it because I already have "one of each"?

I don't know, but it was so matter-of-fact, being told the sex within seconds of lying down on the table in the scanning room. I just thought, "Oh, right". I have 2 children already (a boy and a girl) and didn't find out with either of them until the birth, even though I had the option at the 20 week (NHS!) scan. It seemed much more exciting then.

I just wanted to warn any of you who are going to find out the sex of their baby about how you might feel afterwards. It's a bit of an anti-climax. Well, it was for me.

Well, it was until I went to the car boot sale on sunday and started buying clothes for this sex It's made it more exciting again. The only trouble is, I'm having to hide the "tell-tale" coloured (i.e. blue/pink) stuff so that my kids don't see it and tell everyone.

It's perhaps because I wanted to find out, but the dad didn't and now I can't share the news/talk about it with anyone. I didn't even tell my mum or older kids I was going for the sex scan, or else they'd badger me to tell them. Can I keep this secret for months?

I wish I'd saved the scan money and waited till the birth now....

How has everyone else felt after being told the sex at their scans?

 

[NIE]

Oh I am sorry you feel this way babes. It should have been such an exciting and special time for you. I will be finding out the sex in 2 weeks, I am luck that hubby wants to know, so I will have him to talk to.

Take Care of your self. here if you need to chat. xx

 

[Vickyleigh]

we found out at my 20 week scan and we didn't mind if it was a boy or a girl even though we thought we were having a boy we were sooo over the moon to be having a girl and we would have felt the same if it was a boy. It's our baby and boy/girl it doesn't matter because I could never ever love my baby any less. I'm sorry but I really don't understand how woman can be disapointed when they find out the sex of their child, it actually upsets me when I see posts saying they are gutted after finding out the sex of the baby I think it's just plain cruel!!

 

[Vicki & Nathan]

i had a gender scan at 32 weeks mainly cos i was impatient to find out. however i was the only one who wanted to know so im the same as you im not allowed to buy coloured clothes and have to really watch what i say although they say i have let things slip a few times

 

[laetitia85]

it's weird, i think for me it's the complete opposite. i'm not quite there yet, still have 4 weeks till my 20 weeks scan, and even then, the baby might hide its bits. But I'm so impatient to find out. I really CAN'T wait. it's my first and it shouldn't matter, but I'm just one of those people - i am eager to find out, and I know that once i do find out, i will be happy. If i could choose i would say i wanted a girl, but who cares! a baby is a blessing, any will do for me!

 

[budge]

i can't imagine what its like to know the sex! its the best thing about the whole birth process.
finding out the sex should be banned - they should only scan you for detecting deformities and checking all is well.

 

Thanks for all of your posts, ladies.

Vickyleigh - I agree with you (but of course I love my baby, how could I not?). I already have one of each sex and I love both of them. I have been a parent for 10 years: it would be ridiculous to even contemplate loving one more than the other because of a particular gender. I think it's that you have an "imagined baby" when you have a bump (and maybe even imagine the sex of that baby). When your child is born, s/he becomes a real person and doesn't seem like your "bump" was (that imagined baby). Perhaps I'm not making much sense?

The point I was trying to make was that finding out at this stage, i.e. BEFORE the baby is born, seems to have "taken the shine off" of things. Perhaps it's like skipping to the last page of a book without reading the story inbetween (sorry, I can't think of a good analogy), or sneaking a look at your Christmas present and then puting the wrapping paper back on (you know, have spoilt your own surprise, but no-one else knows you know).

I didn't experience this with my other two, because I waited to meet him/her.

Laetitia - strangely, with my other 2 children, I didn't want to know the sex and even asked the sonographer not to tell me, yet this time (like you), I couldn't wait to know and even paid for a private scan to find out. Now that I have experienced both the waiting till the baby is born and having a scan to determine sex, I wanted to share how that difference made me feel. I just thought it was much nicer and more exciting (as Budge says) to find out the moment the baby is born. It's all part of the surprise (regardless of what the sex actually is).

One thing's for sure - it's put me off having a 3/4D scan later on! I want to keep something special - seeing the baby properly - for when it's actually born.

 

[Little Miss Joslyn]

I have to wait for my scan at 22 weeks and have decided to find out the sex as im convinced its a boy and want to know so i can get used to the idea. Although, I heard they can get it wrong! I will be happy whatever sex it is as im just over the moon that im pregnant after trying for so long, its a blessing. Have thought of names already, Isabel for a girl and Aiden for a boy. I wish i could wait for a surprise but im too impatient and the suspense is killing me.
It must be so hard keeping it a secret Wendywander but time will fly and its nice that you and baby have your own little secret.

 

[kimmumof2]

hi hun i was reading through and altho i like many others could not wait until birth to find out with both i do understand how ur feeling. however, i think you may feel this way becus u cannot tell anyone and only u will be finding out. if i cud not tell every1 what i was havin it wud take the shine off it for me too. the first thing i did when i found out was ring my sis n my mum n txt all my friends. i think that this is possibly the reason that you did not feel as excited as you thought. becus u have to hide the clothes you buy that takes the excitin edge of buyin them too. is there no-one that you can tell in confidence that you know wont say anything, maybe that will relight the excitment.


xxxxxx

 

[weenik]

I kind of agree with Budge on this one - I think I'm just old fashioned sometimes and don't see why people need to find out the sex beforehand.

Once Wendy sees her baby she will will love him/her with all her heart, it's probably just a different feeling now that she knows what it is x

 

[Snuggle]

I think its because you have no-one to share the news with that you're feeling this way about it. I couldnt wait to find out, we thought we were having a boy but were told she's a girl There was no disappointment, just sheer excitement. I'm glad we found out because we have been able to get prepared rather than waiting to find out at birth. It hasnt taken any excitement away for us but everyone is different.
Maybe you can share the news with us and it might make you more excited??

 

Well girls - if any of you have read my other posts, you'll know that I've split with my baby's dad. We're not living together just now, but we're still in touch because of the baby. Anyway, he came round last night and I was still drying off some of the clothes I had bought at the car boot sale. I had some little tops and sleepsuits on the radiator last night, but I put bath towels over them so he wouldn't see. Unfortunately, he moved the towel and saw the colour of the baby clothes (even though I had warned him they were under there).

He was in a really bad mood about it! I thought he'd have been happy (it's the sex he most preferred), but he was very annoyed and we had (another) big argument.

He 'phoned me this afternoon to say that he was just disappointed at finding out before the birth.

At least I don't need to keep it from him any more, but he still doesn't want me to tell anyone else....

So ladies, I think you're right - it's not being able to share my news with anyone that's the real disappointment (and the fact that everything between me and the baby's dad is so stressful doesn't help!). We can't agree on names either...

Good luck to all of you who have sexing scans booked. I have my detailed/anomaly scan tomorrow morning. I just hope THAT goes well

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Well no offence then your ex is pretty stupid removing the towel when you told him the reason not too.......excuse for a argument or just plain dying to know and acting in a foul mood for no reason.

Its a matter of OPINION about if you should find out about your babys sex, some people dont want to know at all and wait till the birth, good for them, i wouldnt critisise them for it.
But i personally wanted to find out with both of my children and i believe it helped me bond.I wanted to find out if i was having the little girl i wanted so much. I did it because i wanted to be able to get my head around if it was a boy.

May be it was a real bummer knowing your babys sex now cos you have one of each.I dont think i will be in a rush persoanlly to find out next time as i have one of each, well nearly one of each.

 

[larceny]

Hi Wendy - that's really interesting that you felt that way. I've been considering paying for a private scan, because I wanted to know, but my partner really doesn't and your message has really made me think about how it would be to know and not be able to tell! I'm starting to think it might be OK to wait and see, although my worry is that I have such a strong preference that if it turns out to be the other one I'll freak out and have trouble bonding - I was sort of hoping that if I found out in advance I'd have lots of time to get used to the idea! Hmmm...

 

[fynemum]

Aw Wendy
I am so sorry you have had this experience as i know you were looking forward to the scan.
I am also sorry your partners reaction wasn't better. like you have said, Stress isn't helping anything...
If you fancy meeting up before September? am all for it... even if you don't/ can't share your news we can share other 'happy' Exciting points about our babies.... or just have a good man moan

I have read all you said about the sexing scan and it has made me think about finding out... the big Come down...it has always been a bit of an issue... and like some ladies have said, At the birth getting told the sex it's all part of the surprise and excitement.... so

Am off again... will i? won't i?

I hope you are doing well? Lv Yvonne xx

 

[alfie]

We were going to find out the sex at the scan next Monday but a friend of ours has had the same anti-climax feeling as you and it put us off. When i read your post i showed my husband and we are definate now that we'll wait for a suprise.

Alfie
xx

 

Thanks ladies, it's been good to read all of your different responses.

Larceny, this is just my opinion (and please feel free to ignore it!):
I think you would have less trouble bonding if you wait until the birth to find out. I would suggest that you put in your birth plan and remind the midwives and your partner when you're in labour , NOT to mention the baby's sex when s/he is born. I think you'd probably bond better if you just meet your baby in those magical first few moments after the birth and then, when you have seen this little miracle that you've created, and taken in that little face and tiny hands etc. take a look at his/her genitals yourself. After s/he left you awe-struck, just by being in this world! for a few moments, the sex probably won't matter so much.

At the moment, your bump is only your "imagined baby" and so it's easy to bond with. If someone tells you that it's a boy or a girl, that's a more definite thing. You can't see or cuddle him or her, they can't gaze up at you with those trusting big eyes (and that, "I seem to have been here before" expression), so won't be able to counter-act any negative, preconceived notions you have about a particular sex. Rather than "bonding" with your baby at this stage, it could put a dampner on the rest of your pregnancy...only you know yourself what's best for you though.

Perhaps even if you wait until the birth and you don't have the boy/girl you always imagined (because most of us have long carried the idea of a "fantasy child" - we have to, we've never had a "real one" before!) and even if it takes you the best part of the first year to really bond with your child - not because it's a boy or a girl, but as an individual - don't worry, because it will come eventually. For some of us, becoming a parent (of any sex) is such a profound change that it can take a long time to feel comfortable in that role or "bond", but it does come eventually.

I just didn't realise before I went for a sexing scan how much of an anti-climax it could turn out to be for me. The way most people on here write about it, it's as though finding out the sex before the birth is the most "normal" thing in the world. I just wanted to say that wasn't my experience and for others (such as Alfie is doing) to pause for a moment and think about it.

 

[larceny]

Wendy, you really do talk a lot of sense. You should have your own column somewhere! Or an advice page! I like your attitiude, and appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I think I had already pretty much decided now not to find out, and just enjoy this baby/person no matter what sex it is. Now I just can't wait to start feeling it moving around - I'm nearly 19 weeks! Due Nov 24th.

 

Thanks, Larceny - it's always nice to get a compliment You're just encouraging me in my tendency to waffle, you know...

Your baby is due just a month before Christmas! I have had 2 Spring babies myself and liked that idea, of being able to get out and about in the fresh air with the baby carrier/pram in the Spring. I wasn't relishing those long, dark nights and cold weather with a baby so much, but you know, it might be nicer. I like feeling all cosy indoors in Winter. As I'll probably be welded to the sofa, breastfeeding all evening, for the best part of the first few months, what better time to do it when it's all dark and miserable outside and I'm indoors, feet up, fire on? And, hopefully, our little ones will sleep better in the long, dark nights.

It took me a long time to get my head round the idea of being a parent, probably a year. I was miserable for months after my first child was born. I just went through the motions of caring for him. It was a lot of things - I was hundreds of miles away from friends and family and my husband worked very long hours, so I spent all day every day on my own. I was too anxious to "enjoy" the experience (and that's certainly NOT a word I'd have associated with parenhood that first year). It all seemed like so much work and effort and I was so anxious and gave myself such a hard time, trying to be so perfect. I ended up feeling isolated and resentful - not of my baby (I did love him, I just didn't know how to relax), but I felt I'd lost my identity and my "freedom". I felt like I couldn't even have a bath in peace and brooded how I'd never have a lie-in in the mornings ever again, or be able to put this other person out of my head even for a few hours, just to be "me".

The thing that filled me with the most panic was the realisation that another person was going to be totally relying on me for the best part of, oh, 18 years? I had heard other people talk about this feeling of "responsibility" hitting them. You suddenly realise that you can't just run away, or decide to take a week - or even a day- off from the role. I would start to imagine all the things I now COULDN'T do, like backpack around the world, or become a trapeze artist (I'm exaggerating) just to taunt myself. The whole being a parent thing is really scary at first. Either that, or I'm just nuts

I think when you stop resisting the fact that this other person will now be relying on you (and stop exaggerating that too much in your mind), and get it into perspective, things get easier. With every passing month, that tiny baby becomes that little bit more independent. I now know that you get the absolute "worst" bit (the bit that the baby relies on you for absolutely everything, every minute of every day) from the minute you are left alone with your baby for the first time. After that, it gradually gets easier and easier. Before you know it, they're able to feed themselves, sleep through the night, then they're going to nursery/school and playing with friends etc. It's not the constant millstone around your neck for 18 years as I imagined. And, when the panic starts to subside a bit and your "going through the motions" of feeding/changing etc becomes quite genuine, you even learn to (yes, iI'll say it!) enjoy aspects of being a parent. Eventually, it becomes so much part of you that you hardly notice it any more.

Then again, some people don't tend to analyse things as much as I do and/or they're a lot less selfish/more laid-back than I am. There are a lot of people out there who are on a high as soon as they give birth and who love everything about a tiny baby being totally dependant on them. These people are held up as examples of parents who have "bonded" well with their baby. We're not all like that and it's okay if you're not. It might take to a bit longer to adjust, but be kind to yourself and it will come eventually. This has nothing to do with the sex of your baby, of course, but I'm telling you all of this because you might think you're not "bonding" with your baby (because it's not the same sex as your fatasy child), when really, you're just adjusting to the huge role of being a parent. It can be a harder task when you're older and used to having so much freedom for so long (but again, that might just be me).

I'm telling myself all of this, Larceny, not you. I'm sort of having to "start again" after a big gap and I'm worried about that. I'm used to having a lot of my freedom back and I'm not looking forward to all that "responsibility" again. Well, part of me is, part of me is still terrified I won't cope Does everyone feel like this?

At least we can come on here and fret to each other after November, eh?

 

[larceny]

Wow, am I the only person who read this and thought, "It could have been me writing this!?!?" Wendy, I'm going to PM you (when I finish crying with relief, that is!)