want to get back with baby's dad

[leah1992]

i'm desperately in need of some advice.

basically, was with my baby's dad until 12 weeks old. from the minute she was born, things changed. she was in special care for a week, and i remained in hospital with a really bad infection. he went to work the day after she was born instead of staying with us, and would only come to the hospital if he was basically forced to.

he started not coming home from work to go out drinking instead, without even letting me know, then rolling in at 6am completely paraletic.

i had enough, so i kicked him out.

he showed little interest in our daughter. never text to see how she was and went weeks on end without seeing her. i eventually got him to agree to a visitation schedule, but he kept messing it up and not turning up so in the end i told him not to bother anymore.

shortly after, i received two mediation requests. i ignored both, as i was angry and didn't see the point in mediation when we had already agreed contact days/times, he just couldnt be bothered to turn up.

his mum made the effort to drop a present off for dd on her first birthday, not even a card from her dad.

so yeah, it's been a year and a half since we broke up, and just over a year since myself or my daughter had any contact with him.

however, recently, i wake up every single day thinking about him, and just want him to come back so we can be a proper family. my logical mind is telling me he doesnt care about either of us, and tbh i dont know if i could ever truly forgive him for abandoning his daughter. but something in my head wants to give him one last chance (unsure if he even wants another chance tbh!)

any advice on what i should do?
should i keep the no contact and try to get on with my life, or give things one more shot? xx

 

[russellmuscle]

I split with my boys dad when he was just 1 years old. Not for the same reasons you have given but something similar. I was responsible for everything, bills, house, baby, it all got too much. We broke up, started seeing this other guy - we got on great for a few months but after things fizzled out I still thought about FOB. I wasnt sure for a while if I wanted him back or just the family unit. So I booted out the boyfriend and decided to sort myself out and then see where things led with FOB. I got a new job and house and totally have a different view on life. We are now seeing each other and its been great so far, taking time going at our own pace. Keeping everyone else out of our business aswell, thats a key point.

However...

I would say my circumstances are very different. We were together 9 years before we broke up and since that time, FOB took Jackson half the week and also kept up payments (as well as constantly tried to get me to get back with him), so we always remained in contact every other day and were always much more civil apart. I now have come to see we both needed the space to grow and appreciate each other because that just wasnt happening before. We speak to each other totally different now, things arent so much an order or snap. And I have taught both myself and FOB a lesson being I wont stand for anything like that in the future. I have been raising Jackson in my own home alone and working fulltime without any added agro, so things this time seem a lot more peaceful.


I feel if your ex isnt showing any interest in your child, never mind you Id say patch him. Hes not worth every thought you have when you wake, your child is because shes always gonna be there. If its what you truly want fine, but your ex doesnt sound like someone who has lost their family and cares about it. Like I say, the FOB for me we kept regular contact, still had family days (dispite split), and he made a huge effort to change for the better which has clearly shown. I have learned I too am making much more of an effort.

I personally wouldnt give this man another go and certainly not for my own satisfaction. The effort he is making with your girl should be a good reason, then how much he is making an effort to fix issues that lay previously and also, show that he does at least want to mend his family. I could never put my happiness over Jackson's. We are all entitled to happiness, but it comes at a cost.

If he doesnt show any of the above, fuck him. Your better of on your own, youll learn so much more and gain so much independence and maturity for it. The more you hang yourself up on a waste a space will make you resent yourself.

Aaaaand thats my big ass tuppence worth.

xxxx

 

[Sparklisam]

I think it's always good to consider that people only change if they really want to. A lot of the time people done change. I split with my OH after 12 years and it's such a massive life change. What keeps me from going back is that he won't change. We have had a 10 month break in the 12 years and looking back he never changed even after the break I just wanted my life back and he made that happen. He also made me very unhappy and i had to fight for his time. So as lonely and as sad as I get I know going back isn't the right decision for my personal circumstances. I'll always love him and always care we just can't be together in that sense. I just hope someone else comes along who makes me realise what I have been missing xx

 

[tinselcat]

My view is - if he wanted the relationship with you/his baby, he'd have made the effort (no birthday card is particularly poor)

There will be other men out there who can give you a shot at a safe, proper family xx

*hugs*

 

[CarinT]

If it is meant to be then it will be.

 

[ruby2015]

Hi Leah, I'm such a big fan of families sticking together and really respect you for being ready to forgive him and invite him back into your life. I bet that a day doesn't go by that he doesn't feel terrible for behaving the way he did, and it may just be that he didn't know how to handle the situation and ended up making a mess of it, then didn't know how to put it right. I hope you can find a way to give it another go- you'd have to try to put this last year or so behind you so that he didn't feel constant reminders of how crap he's been, and you might have to coach him through how he should behave and what he should do. I don't know really- I probably sound really soft, but I sometimes think it's too easy for men to feel pushed out (I've seen a few examples of this on One Born Every Minute), and I wish they were given more emotional support- there are so few books / forums / support groups for them. If it doesn't work out at least you'll have tried. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this and hope things come good. Good luck xxx

 

[soni456]

I do agree with Ruby2015. Give him a chance and see, but don't expect so much from him. It will hurt you if he doesn't show much care and affection that you have shown for him. Good luck!!