Visiting step children

[Babyno.1]

It must have been awful for you and your sibling for her to be like that. That is so cruel. I don't want to leave her out & will try my upmost to include her as much as possible, we have already bought her bits & bobs for when baby come & I have asked my family (mum & dad, & both sisters) to get her something little when they in case she is there. But the first night or two I really don't think I will be able to give her the attention she needs. This is why I am so worried. I want that time with my new baby to enjoy & I don't want her to be pushed out but if she does come I'm worried it will happen & I won't be able to control it. I want it to be 'normal' for her bit dont think I can be so soon. My partner doesn't really get where I am coming from either. He wasn't allowed to be around his daughter when she was born so hasn't experienced that either (the mother didn't tell him for 3 days that she was born!).
Trying my best to make sure she feels included & I think coming a few days later to stay is best option for me & long term for her to.

 

[Orion]

I think youre overthinking it. Let her stay, she's old enough to understand that baby can't wait and she can.

Just imagine she lived there full time and her not being there wasn't an option. Plenty of people have to juggle older kids with a new baby. Separating them out for days alone with baby does make it seem like a fractured family instead of an inclusive one.

 

[MummyMouse]

I completely agree with Orion, you are overthinking it!
Your partner doesn't understand which means he's probably not happy about keeping his daughter away....you must remember this is his second not his first and therefore he will be looking for inclusive parenting.
I don't mean to sound harsh here but the day you got with your OH you took his daughter on as your own (as any step parent should and would) so you should be including her as much as possible especially in the early days, she's too young to understand why she's being kept away and will only see that as being a pushed out, if you include her from te get go then you will have yor alone time with your baby and OH when your step daughter goes back to her mums!
Also if her mum can be such a cow as to say 'I hope your baby dies' then I'd be concerned what she says to her daughter.....chances are (il explain my knowledge in a mo) she will be saying things like "daddy don't wan you know more" "your not as important anymore" and other things like that. Now them things teamed with her being kept away for a few days etc is really damaging to a child of that age regardless!
My knowledge of this comes from my working closely with children's services due to the nature of my job, I see Thai all the time and like I said iVe been there. It is mentally damaging to a child.
I can't stress strongly enough to have her come to visit at hospital and allow her to hold her sibling and refer to your baby infront of her as her sibling not your baby, then have her come to yours and ask for her help....."I can't bath your brother/sister without your help, can you help me please" and then get her to help wash the baby's tummy etc, that way she will fell amazing that she can help and be a big sister! That won't take too much away from your time and then everyone is happy and you will still have alone time with baby. If your step daughter feels pushed out then it will make things 100 times harder on the long run as she will act out for more attention making you have less time for baby due to her demanding behaviour......much harder situation to be in!!
Hope I haven't spoken out of line, just like I say I see it to many times x

 

[Babyno.1]

I want her to come to the hospital of corse I do. It's not the hospital I'm worried about. It when we go home for the first time. I jut don't think I am going to be able to give her all the attention she needs. My partner thinks it's going to be as simple as bringing home a teddy! Everything will be as it was, but I think we're both going to be shattered, cooing over baby & not doing much else & I don't think SD is going to allow us to relax & will get overly jealous of us doing 'nothing' but baby things.

I have no doubt the mother is saying things to her but i can't control what her mother is like, we always do everything we can for her. Her mother has done plenty of things in passed.
I don't think it's a right or wrong way to deal with it, I hate having all the pressure of this ontop on my impending birth.
I'm trying to include her as much as I can, but I also want to make sure I'm comfortable & happy with the situation to.
I am taking everything you ladies have said on board, I am really grateful, but I'm still at a loss what to do for everyone.

 

[Nonabean]

In all honesty, baby will need fed, and changed and not much else. To think you're going to have all your time consumed by a newborn is unrealistic.
I have to echo what the other ladies have said and say I think you will do irreparable damage to your step daughter by not allowing her to be involved in those first few days.
That wee girl will know exactly what is going on if she's excluded, whereas, as long as a newborn has it's basic needs met they do not care what else is going around them.

 

[Orion]

Please don't be offended but here's how it looks to me through this screen...

What you SHOULD do is let your SD come at the weekend as normal - even if she has to learn to share the attention, she'll feel included and wanted. She is part of your family, so that's how she should feel.

What you WANT to do is have your OH and baby all to yourself. That's a normal feeling.

However, being a parent means putting the kids first. Baby won't suffer having their half sister around, and your SD will soon understand that she will have to share the attention. Whilst mummy is seeing to baby, daddy will play with her, or vice versa. She is old enough to understand that family life has changed and everyone has to learn to be together. I'm sure she will understand this as she isnt an only child at her mothers house.

I don't see the dilemma unless you're trying to find a way of putting what you want before everyone else - as from what you've said, your OH wants his daughter and baby to be together, your SD wants to be there, and baby won't notice. The only one making an issue is you.

I'm sorry if that sounds really harsh but that's really how it comes across online. It's totally natural to want time to yourself but when you already have a family at home it's just not realistic or fair.

Obviously that's just my opinion. I'm sorry if it's blunt.

I actually think you'll all be happier together - you included. And then SD will go back to her mums and you'll have baby time all to yourself.