Unsupportive friends... I'm thankful for PF!

[NavyLouise]

Just a quick rant really as a friend has annoyed me and I wanted to say how grateful I am to have had this forum and all of you throughout my pregnancy!
I don't have any friends who have babies and I can't remember anyone really asking me how I'm feeling (besides my hubby and dad) or wanting to talk about the baby up to now! They have all said they want to come and meet lo as soon as she's here but haven't given any support through m pregnancy. I'm not the complaining type but not once have any of my friends asked how I am coping or if I need any help and I feel it's a bit selfish to want a cuddle of a newborn but not care much about any of the bits beforehand!

It's only really just hit me today as a close friend was complaining to me last week that she works with 2 pregnant women who talk constantly about all things baby, well the same girl just this minute text me out of the blue saying "By the way, thank you for being a pregnant lady who doesn't constantly talk about babies!!! So bored of the subject now!!" And this has really annoyed me!!!!

Just because I don't thrust the subject upon people every time I see them, now seems to mean I have no right to talk about something that is about to change meylfe and occupies my mind 90% of the day! I just realise how lonely this pregnancy would have been without PF so for that I'm grateful.

Now i'm wondering if i'm being dramatic or would anyone else be annoyed at this girl for that message?

 

[Asd1]

Iv been experiencing the exact same thing as u and my friend even said if she fell preg then she would feel her life would be over !

 

[NavyLouise]

Iv been experiencing the exact same thing as u and my friend even said if she fell preg then she would feel her life would be over !

God how horrible!!! I've had similar comments from some of the younger girls I work with, they would sit and chat about how they can't imagine being pregnant, it's horrible, pregnant bellies look weird etc etc all while I was about a metre away! Some people are just uncaring and juvenile!

 

[Kellybean]

Hey hey,

You are soooooo not alone with feeling this way. I also have no friends who are pregnant or even have children, so I feel totally alone in that subject. I love these forums, if I need advice, help or support I know I will get it. I have learnt so much. Any worry I get, people can put my mind at rest or give me good advice of who to see. More than I would get sitting at home twiddling my thumbs.

My closest friend has been utterly supportive of me. (husband away in forces) so she pops round every now and again to check on me and help me clean out my parrots cages as I struggle now with such a bulging bump. My family have been awesome, just moved in with my parents for the last weeks as I don't want to be going into labour in the middle of the night alone. Plus my mum has been nagging me to for weeks, then my dad told me I had to (think he was fed up with m mum nagging him and me ha ha) so in family, I cannot complain.

But, general friends are a pain. One has text me this morning asking why I haven't 'bothered' to go to our 2weekly girl night out? I text back saying I'm pregnant, the response just before I read your post was...."pregnancy is always your excuse, it's getting a bit boring". I felt so hurt. I haven't text back as my temper is RED!

I'm so huge (measuring too big) and struggle to walk more than 10yards with SPD and pressure on my bladder, I don't want to be a big fat burden on my friends, walking slow and needing to plan routes near loos! I feel like they have been moaning about me now. But, I know they don't understand, but still I haven't complained to them to save boring them, but I have wanted to. To explain why I'm being 'boring'! Even when baba is born, I won't have the luxury to flutter a few quid on some drinks and a taxi so often. Won't afford the time away from baby for a while at least. I have plenty of baby sitters, but I'm still a mum now, so some things have to change.

I know they will all be hoarding round (uninvited at random times) to see the new born and will want to coo all over baby, bt how long will that last and they get bored. All I'll have to talk about then is what baby Did, does or doesn't do! Grrr. That will be annoying for them I am sure, and like you, why should I not talk about it? This is now my life.

I think we just need to be calm and just be proud that we have such a blessing...they will soon understand. And boy! When they do, I will thrive off telling them how they were with me! Ha ha, revenge is sweet. However, I think I have a long time to wait. (I'm 24, hardly super young and my friends are still stuck at being 16 and I am the only one to be married and have a home etc, and they just think I am growing too old before my time, how unfair is that? I still have my own teeth and not quite knitting yet!)

I'm in understanding with you. It's actually 98% for me, 1% is Christmas plans and the other is what am I going to eat now....

 

[Kellybean]

Her life would be over?

What an awful thing to say.

My life is just beginning....

 

[NavyLouise]

Hey hey,

You are soooooo not alone with feeling this way. I also have no friends who are pregnant or even have children, so I feel totally alone in that subject. I love these forums, if I need advice, help or support I know I will get it. I have learnt so much. Any worry I get, people can put my mind at rest or give me good advice of who to see. More than I would get sitting at home twiddling my thumbs.

My closest friend has been utterly supportive of me. (husband away in forces) so she pops round every now and again to check on me and help me clean out my parrots cages as I struggle now with such a bulging bump. My family have been awesome, just moved in with my parents for the last weeks as I don't want to be going into labour in the middle of the night alone. Plus my mum has been nagging me to for weeks, then my dad told me I had to (think he was fed up with m mum nagging him and me ha ha) so in family, I cannot complain.

But, general friends are a pain. One has text me this morning asking why I haven't 'bothered' to go to our 2weekly girl night out? I text back saying I'm pregnant, the response just before I read your post was...."pregnancy is always your excuse, it's getting a bit boring". I felt so hurt. I haven't text back as my temper is RED!

I'm so huge (measuring too big) and struggle to walk more than 10yards with SPD and pressure on my bladder, I don't want to be a big fat burden on my friends, walking slow and needing to plan routes near loos! I feel like they have been moaning about me now. But, I know they don't understand, but still I haven't complained to them to save boring them, but I have wanted to. To explain why I'm being 'boring'! Even when baba is born, I won't have the luxury to flutter a few quid on some drinks and a taxi so often. Won't afford the time away from baby for a while at least. I have plenty of baby sitters, but I'm still a mum now, so some things have to change.

I know they will all be hoarding round (uninvited at random times) to see the new born and will want to coo all over baby, bt how long will that last and they get bored. All I'll have to talk about then is what baby Did, does or doesn't do! Grrr. That will be annoying for them I am sure, and like you, why should I not talk about it? This is now my life.

I think we just need to be calm and just be proud that we have such a blessing...they will soon understand. And boy! When they do, I will thrive off telling them how they were with me! Ha ha, revenge is sweet. However, I think I have a long time to wait. (I'm 24, hardly super young and my friends are still stuck at being 16 and I am the only one to be married and have a home etc, and they just think I am growing too old before my time, how unfair is that? I still have my own teeth and not quite knitting yet!)

I'm in understanding with you. It's actually 98% for me, 1% is Christmas plans and the other is what am I going to eat now....

It's good to know I'm not alone! I can't believe your friend said she's bored of you using the "pregnancy excuse" .. As you say, when they eventually grow up they have got a pretty big shock coming to them!!

My concern was also with what happens once they're over their initial oooh you have a newborn phase and realise that I am now a mother and its not just about cooing over the baby! But I really think I'm going to be ok with the fact that they won't be supportive then either, as long as I have my husband, baby girl and my dad I know I am lucky and will still enjoy my life and how I have even more to look forward to than I ever have!

Sometimes I wish I were a bit more of a bitch and just told them what I think but I'm a natural peacemaker and will just let them get on with it!

I hope you're doing ok, it's funny how people seem to think being pregnant is a walk in the park and that nothing will change isn't it! I'm carrying a little small so I think people get the impression it's easier because of that... I'm quite a small person so I'm still finding it really hard and can hardly walk round the corner anymore without being in pain.

I forgot to say that the other 10% is made up of food and husband thoughts lol I actually do have nothing else in there most of the time! Lol

 

[kittyrooroo]

My friends are the same. I'm the first one to have a baby and I moved 2 and a half hours away just over a year ago.
They were all up for visiting when they realised my flat was a free place to crash after a night out somewhere different.
But since being pregnant, I havent had a single visitor. They know I'm here without my family but like you, they just insist they'll come down to see the baby when hes born. I dont even want them to. Its like I dont even know them anymore.

I get the occasional text saying 'hows bump?' or 'have you pushed that baby out yet?' never asking about me personally.

They dont seem to be able to remember a simple due date either so I'm constantly being asked over and over again.
This has been the loneliest 9 months ever and its true what they say - you really do find out who your true friends are.
If any of them were to become pregnant, I really hope they're not expecting any support from me. I'll make sure I'm far too busy with my baby boy.

Im hoping to make some new friends at mum and baby groups!

 

[NavyLouise]

My friends are the same. I'm the first one to have a baby and I moved 2 and a half hours away just over a year ago.
They were all up for visiting when they realised my flat was a free place to crash after a night out somewhere different.
But since being pregnant, I havent had a single visitor. They know I'm here without my family but like you, they just insist they'll come down to see the baby when hes born. I dont even want them to. Its like I dont even know them anymore.

I get the occasional text saying 'hows bump?' or 'have you pushed that baby out yet?' never asking about me personally.

They dont seem to be able to remember a simple due date either so I'm constantly being asked over and over again.
This has been the loneliest 9 months ever and its true what they say - you really do find out who your true friends are.
If any of them were to become pregnant, I really hope they're not expecting any support from me. I'll make sure I'm far too busy with my baby boy.

Im hoping to make some new friends at mum and baby groups!

I am so sorry they just used you for a place to stay, people really can be selfish
I was just saying to my OH yesterday that it was annoying me how people keep asking me the due date over and over! Mine is especially easy to remember as it's bloody Halloween! I actually read through my texts from a friend who asked again yesterday and she has already asked 6 times in the past few months which just shows how little she cares in my eyes.

I really hope your friends realise how selfish they've been but I doubt they will. I'm sure you will make so many lovely new mummy friends when your lo is here that it won't even matter anymore.

 

[CARNAT22]

I have a mixed bunch of friends - a few have kids a few don't?

I am incredibly lucky that my sister and both my SIL's have kiddies though so I do have a very good support network within my immediate family.

However my best friend is the one who has totally surprised me.

She broke up with her long term partner around the time I found out I was preggers and I know she is having a difficult time of it but It's like she has fallen off the face of the Earth - I've seen her 3 times since I was 8 weeks gone.

To be fair her full on profession [she is a barrister] and the fact she had moved to other side of London a few years back meant we'd already started to grow apart but I cannot help to be disappointed that my dear friend of 16 years has been so uninvolved in this momentous part of my life.

What can you do though?? I take comfort from the friends and family that have and do offer me support.

xxxxxxxxx

 

[Kellybean]

Gosh. Well there we go, we are NOT alone.

And it is so true that you find out your real friends. I honestly don't think I would be like they are, but like you have said when they grow up...so maybe I am turning old before my time. Ha ha. I don't care.

navylouise....your name, does that mean you are in the Navy? Or am I reading it too literally? Ha ha.

What I think you should do kittyrooroo is let your 'friends' come round, take the presents and just don't invite them round again. Ha ha. How bitter am I?

Thank you for this post though Louise, made me think and I know I am not over reacting about silly friends. Ha ha.

 

[lovelylily]

I was in exactly the same position with my first, and a.few friends did ask how it was going, but most didn't understand really, or even ask. I even had one friend throw a huge strop cos I wouldn't go on her hen weekend 3 hours from home at 38 weeks pregnant while my husband would be on the stag do 6 hours away. She even posted on fb about it. I just figure she'll have kids one day and will hopefully look back on how she behaved and feel very silly!

 

[NavyLouise]

So good to know we are not alone! At least there are like minded women out there with the same issues!!

Kellybean.. Haha I'm afraid I'm not in the Navy! Im a photographer.. Navy is an old nickname of mine and my middle name is Louise! My name is actually Kerry!

 

[Kellybean]

Well that is just confusing!

I feel the fool. You fooled me...

I guess your pink signature should have pointed that out to me...well it's your fault, it isn't big enough!

Tut.

 

[NavyLouise]

Harhar I aim to confuse!!!

 

[kittyrooroo]

Gosh. Well there we go, we are NOT alone.

And it is so true that you find out your real friends. I honestly don't think I would be like they are, but like you have said when they grow up...so maybe I am turning old before my time. Ha ha. I don't care.

navylouise....your name, does that mean you are in the Navy? Or am I reading it too literally? Ha ha.

What I think you should do kittyrooroo is let your 'friends' come round, take the presents and just don't invite them round again. Ha ha. How bitter am I?

Thank you for this post though Louise, made me think and I know I am not over reacting about silly friends. Ha ha.

Haha that would be a great plan but I honestly doubt they will even come to visit and most definitely wouldnt bring presents!
I actually wanted to arrange a baby shower for myself back at home for all my friends and family, to be able to see them all before the baby arrives but after thinking about it, I realised hormones + upset over nobody turning up = not a very happy girly. Its just not worth it.
If they want to see me, they can make the effort instead of expecting me to jump in the car and drive all the way there in this condition!
Chins up though, it can only get better once the babies are born! xxx

 

[Rubydoo]

I must admit that before I got pregnant I didn't take much interest in other peoples pregnancies, I've never been maternal and always found it hard to talk about baby stuff because I didn't know anything and (this sounds horrible) but I wasn't that interested, of course I was happy for them, glad they were happy and would never wish anything bad on them or deliberately hurt their feelings.

Now though I see it from the other side, I am super excited about my baby and could talk about her all day but see the awkwardness in my child free friends faces because they are in the position I used to be, I don't take it personally though because I understand that nobody is as interested or excited about it as I am but know that they do wish me well and have to accept that our friendships will always be different now.

 

[PyscoFalcon]

Since moving here 4 years ago I've only made one friend.
She was a foster carer for many years so knows about bringing kids up but not the actual pregnancy part. However occasionally she's taken the time out of her hectic schedule to walk my dog for me and just have a chat.

My family on the other hand haven't even called once since I told them I was pregnant at 6 weeks. Hubby rang them when I was kept in hospital to say I might loose the baby etc and they didn't care!

So yeah I feel alone and hurt if it wasn't for your guys and my hobby friends.
In-laws also live over 3 hours away otherwise MIL would be round almost every day if I let her.

 

[dyscochick]

sorry that you girls aren't getting the support you deserve. Even before we got pregnant and before we considered our own family we tried to support pregnant friends and family, taking round cooked meals once bubs was born too. They are the ones missing out on your beautiful LOs, and the chance to understand how its all come about! xxxx

 

[tambo1976]

I kinda have no one to ever talk to about my pregnancy. I lost every friend I had after getting divorced and moving about the country for a couple of years. All I have is my OH and my children as my relationship with my own Mom has always sadly been very little.

I remember posting a thread a few months ago and ttc, I remember being very upset at being so lonely with no friends in my life and the support I got from other members here actually made me cry a little.

I love this forum and its members, every one seems so supportive and kind

I'm still in the same position as I was but once little one is born I am hoping to gain new friendships with my mini me in tow... I remember being a young Mom and taking them to play groups and nursery's helps you to meet so many other Moms, but until then if I need to rant, brag, be nosey or ask a question then PF Ladies are the ones who will have to suffer lol xx

 

[missyeovil]

I totally get this too!

I'm 19, so I am the first of my friends to have a baby and properly settle down. They are nearly all away at uni - which I'm kind of glad of in a way because all but one of them did nothing but tell me how freaked out they are by the thought of a growing baby inside of me! They never really ask how I am or want to talk about baby but to some extent I don't mind because I know that they haven't even started to consider kids yet!

I have one friend who has been lovely - she is training to be a children's nurse and recently did a placement with the health visitor - and is a wee bit broody herself! I don't get to speak to her much because she is so busy but she is the one person who when I do get to chat she is genuinely interested in baby.

The biggest problem I have had with any of my friends was at my baby shower - it was arranged we would all go out for lunch and one particular person (I would have put money on this happening anyway) turned up, late, stormed in and when another friend told her to buck her ideas up and look a bit happier she started moaning on about how rubbish everything in her life was at that moment. Well, I am her friend and I care about what's wrong - but I don't think my baby shower was exactly the place to start moaning about it. So anyway, we all got on with our lunch and were chatting away, but EVERY time baby or my pregnancy was mentioned, she started going on about how she knew all these other people who are pregnant and how she's going to be auntie for so and so and godmother for another! It almost felt like she didn't care about me and my baby because I hadn't asked her to be a particular part of my child's life!

Thankfully I have the most amazing mum who has been there for me from day one, and this amazing forum! Otherwise, I think I would be a lonely, crying mess everyday!xx