The Stress is ruining our Bd

[clem]

Hiya

There's two issues here I want to have a moan about (and can't tell my friends!)

The first is that the pressure of 6 months of timing it and making sure we have sex exactly when I'm ovulating is playing havoc with our regular sex life, i.e. we dont have any at all now except when ov.

Also my husband hasnt just gone off it the rest of the time (yes I admit we have made it a chore) but now he's starting to struggle to get it up when the timing is right!!

I know the advice will be to 'make time' for each other. We have manic busy lives though running our own business and we tried to put a sunday aside for massage etc and just ended up rowing when it didnt help the problem! Again it's the pressure.

Is there anyone else going through anything like this?
Clem x

 

[toni64539]

Hiya hun. I'm the same and only two months in so goodness knows how you feel but I can empathise. U know all the advice is to relax, enjoy eachother, blah blah blah. But it's impossible, I mean it IMPOSsSIBLe! When all the time in the back of your mind is making a baby. Soooo stressfull! So sorry I can't give any advice but I'm there with you. All the best sweetie

 

[CatBana]

YES YES YES! (wish I was saying those words in another context!) My oh used to be ready to go if we so much as kissed but now it's such an effort. He only wants to bd a few times a month so when I suggest that we should be doing it every other day to increase our chances ttc it makes me feel like I'm making him do something he'd rather not. I have a higher sex drive than him now and it's downright insulting. I think the pressure is definitely to blame. I guess his manhood is called into question for every month we don't conceive - even tho we don't know if ther's even anything wrong. I think the more you have sex the more you'll want it, but starting the ball rolling is ever so hard.x

 

[jarjar7]

I'm with you on this one...my OH can be so difficult to get going! He's always tired etc and has said he dont want baby making to become a 'job'...its so frustrating cos not only do I have a higher sex drive than him I also know we need to be doing it more often...I used to really enjoy sex but now I'm kind of like 'well what's the point, I'm not OV' but I dont want to be like that because that just adds more pressure.
You're not alone hun.
xxxxx

 

[JJ Mum]

Yup I have that problem to, now we only seem to do it for Ovulation and stop for the 2WW , last month I really struggled as we didn't know the dates after MC and OH got fed up and we stopped early which could have been all wrong when guessing ov dates!!

He is better this month, start off with the normal, then you need some tricks up your sleve too for when it gets tough. My OH usually does well the few days before OV, and then when D-Day gets there has stage fright and can't do it anymore ! nightmare,I get so cross!

What about trying these as surprise things when you need it most! (See how you get on)

1) turning the channel to one of those dodgy shows like sexetra on late night by accident when flicking, he seems to watch for a few mins , make a joke , then wants to go to bed!!
2) Decide to cook a meal for two, (we have kids already so can't go to resterant!) cook together and sit down just the two of you, with fancy food you have never tried and have a glass of something too, usually leads to something later too, as long as only one glass of so!!
3) something naughty!
4) Changing the time and place of your nookie!
5) Sexy undies when it's not the norm

 

[jarjar7]

All good advice there JJ!!!
I have one too...whilst watching the TV at about 9pm make a joke of having a foursome with your OH, your sister and your Cousin when they come to visit at the weekend...you'll get jumped on about 1am!! Or is that just what happened to me last night????
xxxx

 

[evie_smith]

I tricked my hubby when trying (had same problems) by saying I'm not ovulating I just want YOU and he was really happy with that and I be into the first week of the 2ww as sometimes I would ov late so he never knew when I was ov if that makes sence lol x

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Hey Clem......DONT WORRY Your not alone here!

I posted something similar a little while ago and knew something had to change and like Toni said that was only after a couple of months or so....

I got pregnant but Ive just had MC 7th April but in the couple of months before that it had become so methodical it turned into an awful laborious chore and DH was getting to where he also couldnt ejaculate.

I was only wanting a quickie around OV times and we werent bothering in the 2WW (mainly my fault incase I was pregnant and sex caused a MC) stupid I know but thats what was advised when I was last pregnant so its stuck!
He was taking for ever, I was getting cross, he was getting stressed and the pressure was immense!

So....WE STOPPED!!

Were very open and fortunately can and do talk about anything and everything together so we literally sat down and acknowledged this mechanical method wasnt working, its was making us stressed and we were'nt enjoying sex for what it is....only using for reproductive purposes!

Also like Evie said....dont make an issue about when your ovulating or the important dates!

Try and just initiate sex because you want him not his swimmers....made a whole lot of difference to us and I have to say sex is back on track now and weve vowed not to keep on with all the charting, temp watching etc the only thing I am still doing atm is OPK but were also having sex not BD at times other than OV time....

That conversation helped us loads and were also not just keeping sex to one room/place, a certain time of day/night, same position, etc etc and have somehow subconsiously managed to spice things up without trying or thinking about it....so go for it me dear!


Sorry its long winded post but I realised very early on how a very happy and active sex life can soon become monotomous and to the point where you both think whats the point when the only purpose of having sex is to get pregnant!!!

Good luck and hope everything gets back on track for you asap....xxx

 

[Chellybaby88]

I totally understand this. My OH used to be like a horny jack russell and would try to hump my leg given the chance. But nowadays it does feel like a bit of a battle to get him going. Our sex life hasn't been the best since i had DD 3 years ago (my fault, not his)and i have been trying to make the effort to dtd more often, not just when im ov. Last night i wanted to but he said he 'wasn't in the mood'. I never thought i would hear him say those words. But i persisted and finally got my way at around 12am (after an hour of coaxing).

I think it adds pressure to our OH/DH when they know we are ov and they feel we are using them and not actually doing it because we want them. My OH asked 'What is up with you? You are only doing this because you want a baby' and i simply replied ' No, I want this because i love you and besides im not fertile at the moment so im not just using you.'

It can be really tough to keep going through the routine of every month and the added disappoinment of AF. But i think we get through it by just being with each other and we have a hectic lifestyle as well (i work long hours and we have DD). We go to bed early, just to watch tv or a film and one thing usually leads to another, or we have a romantic bath together and have end up dtd.

I think that as long as you both love each other and remember to not become robots and bd only when you are ov then i think things will work out ok. We had the same problem about 5 months ago as we had been trying for 6 months then but things get better and you will get through it xx

 

[clem]

What a wonderful relief to get these replies and know so many of you have been through it! The temptation to get annoyed with him is huge.

"All you have to do is provide sperm, how hard can that be? I'm the one who will have to do all the hard work afterwards."

So far I have managed to stop myself from actually saying that out loud!

I laughed when i read yours CatBana - yes, the insult of having the higher sex drive! Seems so wrong, where is the rampant man from our twenties? He's turned into a 'too tired' man in his thirties!

I will try any ideas! Hugs to you all. Clem x

 

[kizzibea]

I agree with Wilma. We were really disappointed when we didn't get a result during March but we had to take this month off trying seriously.

I still took my temperature, but I wasn't as religious about it. We didn't use any preseed type stuff, just did it when we felt like it.

And suddenly my sex drive increased by about a hundred times because there wasn't any pressure there. We're going back to it a bit more this month, but we're going to be more relaxed because I think it's better for both of us. I'm not going to tell him when I think I'm oving, we're just going to do it lots and enjoy it.

FX for you.

 

[PinkPunch]

i don't want to be crude but surprise him with oral sometimes (something a man would never refuse im guessing) and then gradually work up his sex drive so your doing it more often then he will NEED it more often. Dont let him "please" himself if you get me..

 

[toni64539]

Ha ha. Say it like it is pinkpunch

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Ha ha dont mince your words PP love it....my DH would agree 100% with you on that one....me....not soo keen much to his disapointment ha ha but yeah def agree that also now Ive taken the initiative more hes loving it! Like you all say...most men think 'great' at first when we say we will BD every day....after the first couple of months tho the novelty soon wears off!! Element of surprise always works tho so PP has a point!! lol xxx

 

[PinkPunch]

Ha ha. Say it like it is pinkpunch

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Lol Im still chuckling @you PP!!! xxx

 

[bidsy]

Hi Clem, I know how you feel my OH has very low sperm count so have to make sure we dont do it too often or not enough and it becomes unenjoyable. Ive just been on the phone to my local Ivf unit as my friend is going for ivf and getting 2 free cycles. We are not able to get it free as my OH already has a daughter of 16. We have been told to give it till end of dec and then get referred. Just need to relax and stop thinking about it all the time and try to enjoy each other again but its soo hard when its at the back of your mind. x

 

[PinkPunch]

Lol Im still chuckling @you PP!!! xxx

haha, I tried being subtle.. lol

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

ha ha what as....a brick?? lol Just been telling DH about this post coz the daft sod has come in from work with a pole dancer of all things.....its a little thing you plug into you USB and play your lap top music through it and she dances to flashing disco lights....his reply was well you can tell them this is the nearest I want to be to a pole dancer!!! Lol thought it was very fitting for this conversation! lol xx

 

[JJ Mum]

God the things us girls have to do to get up the duff!!!