Telling friends and family you're having IVF

[MrsLaw]

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to know how people feel about telling their friends and family that they need fertility help. I've only told my mum and sister (dreading how and if I want to tell my dad). DH has told his mum, sister and two friends. We've kept it quiet from a lot of other people that we'll be needing IVF to have a child :/ stuck as to whether I should just be open or keep my business to myself.

I'd like to know if you told or hid your treatment from family/friends. If you didn't tell anyone during your treatment did you decide to open up after? Were you open from the beginning?

 

[MrsS15]

Hi hun,

We kept our fertility issues to ourselves initially then started opening up when we were getting questions like when's a baby coming? Those questions hurt me more than admitting we needed help. I'm glad we were honest, the close family and friends we have told have been very supportive. It's a completely personal decision though xx

 

[xMillie]

The only people we told with our first round was my mum, hubbys mum and my best friend. They all knew we had been trying for a long time and that ivf was the next step. They have been asking when our next round is but we're keeping it private this time. I felt it was too much pressure especially in the 2 week wait, they were asking me if I felt any different and could I test early. Then when it came to test date and I got a negative my mum said I should keep testing but I really didn't want to see anymore bfns!! It was such an upsetting day.

Keeping it just between me and hubby so less pressure for our next round hopefully!

As for hiding it I think it should be pretty easy for us! We live 5 hours away from any family so unless anyone wants to unexpectedly visit or show up here - on a day I need to be at the clinic - I think we're safe!

 

[snowbee]

We haven't told anyone, bar one of my friends who I told a few years ago and one of my husbands friends who we saw in the fertility clinic. My family don't know and it isn't common knowledge with any other friends. Not planning on saying anything once baby actually arrives either, but if we get lots of when is the next one arriving comments then I may say unlikely as this one was a treatment baby, but undecided at the moment. I think it depends on lots of factors and the type of person you and your partner are as to what is the best thing to do. Once it has been said then you can never take it back!

 

[lisey]

We didn't tell many people at all, only parents and sisters. Plus this time, I told one of my cousins who I am very close with.
People seem to have this expectation that IVF will be the solution and will definitely work which can add so much pressure and then theres the questions, the IVF 2ww is stressful enough without having people waiting for the results too.

It can be helpful to have someone to talk things through with as it is such a big thing, I just wouldn't tell too many people myself xx

 

[MrsLaw]

Thanks for the insight!
I'm very much thinking along the same lines of not telling anyone else. Aside from the very few that already know, I don't think I would want to tell anyone else or tell our story to others after the baby arrives. OH said that if we did get pregnant he wanted to tell the people the people that knew, that we didn't actually need IvF in the end and it was a natural pregnancy. I think he also feels the pressure and maybe feels insecure as we have male factor infertility.

 

[lisey]

I am very open about it now. I tell most people (apart from work) that this is an IVF baby but didn't want the pressure during the process.
Men can be more sensitive about things though, esp if it is male factor infertility. For us, the problem is me but I know people would assume it was with my OH as I have a son already xx

 

[MrsLaw]

Thanks Lisey, maybe we'll open up in future, things might change when there's less pressure on us

 

[lisey]

Just do what's best for you both. There is no right or wrong
Just what you're comfortable with. Good luck with it all xx

 

[phonixgirl]

Hi hun,

We kept our fertility issues to ourselves initially then started opening up when we were getting questions like when's a baby coming? Those questions hurt me more than admitting we needed help. I'm glad we were honest, the close family and friends we have told have been very supportive. It's a completely personal decision though xx

Pretty much this. Our parents knew and then my sister (I told my mum and I'm sure she's told my dad... he drops me off at the hospital but knows not to ask any questions so I'm sure he knows!). No friends knew to start with but it really got to me so my best friend does now and over time we have told a few other friends and family members too. It does make things easier as it avoids the baby questions but I still prefer people not to know when we are going through a cycle so they can't ask how it went! Xx

 

[MrsLaw]

It makes sense to have a few close people you can talk to. At the moment im just getting asked when are we going to be seen? All I can tell them is "we're just seeing how things go". There's a lot of waiting with this process... I would feel awkward too if people kept asking how my cycle went. Not sure how much info about the treatment I'll be sharing yet

 

[FBTTN8079]

We didn't tell anyone for the first year or so about our fertility struggles and then it was just too hard and needed to be able to share & open up which made everything easier. Everyone knew when we went through our first cycle but it was so hard when it failed as we had to tell everyone & friends were working out test dates so the second time round only our parents knew we were going to Athens and then we told brothers and sisters when we were 7/8 weeks along & everyone else after our 12 week scan x but we've always been very open about our journey just didn't need the pressures and expectations of so many people during that second cycle x