Telling friend who is ttc

[Meg86]

Hi,

I've been trying to decide whether to post anything about this, and thought maybe some of you have been through something similar and can help me...

My OH and I have been Ttc for several years and have been on clomid for the last few months (with various tests at the fertility clinic before then). We finally got out long awaited for bfp and are delighted. We decided not to tell anyone when we were ttc and going through treatment because we felt really it was just our business and we didn't want people constantly asking for updates. We also don't intend to tell anyone we're expecting until after the 12 week scan (probably not straight away, just when we feel ready)

Anyway... one of my really good friends has been ttc for about a year now and has just started going to a fertility clinic in the last month, she has been really open about all of this. Whenever she finds out other people are pregnant though she gets really upset, and sometimes quite angry. I do know she is hurting and really doesn't mean to be acting that way.

I'm really worried about telling her about us. I think she may suspect, even though we live a couple of hours apart she regularly texts and asks if I'm enjoying a glass of wine tonight... we're due to see them when I'll be about 14 weeks, and I'm really nervous about telling her. I absolutely don't want to hurt her because we've managed to get our bfp but also because we decided not to tell her we were Ttc.

Can anyone offer any advice here? I loved hearing my friends were pregnant when we were ttc (more baby cuddle for me!) but it did make me a little sad for me on the way home... I think she reacts very differently. So if any one has any stories they can share or words of wisdom that would be massively appreciated.

Thank you very much
Mx

 

[millielaura]

I would probably tell her about your journey too as it's more likely it will give her hope than upset her then xxx

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

 

[Meg86]

Thanks Millielaura that's a really good suggestion - I hadn't thought of that. I don't mind telling people now that we've stopped ttc. Would love to make her feel hopeful rather than upset x

 

[MrsS15]

Hi Meg, congratulations on your long awaited baby!

It's such a hard situation to be in and people will probably have lots of different opinions. We needed ivf for this baby and when people close to me got pregnant I didn't get angry, I just felt so sad and devastated for myself. Most of these people fell pregnant very easily though, you're in the situation where you struggled yourself. I always preferred people to send me a text that way I could read it and have a cry to my hubby then text them my congratulations. I definitely wouldn't wait until you see them at 14 weeks to tell her face to face. If you know she doesn't react well I would tell her after the 12 week scan! I would also mention that this baby took you a few years to conceive and something along the lines of you hope it gives them some faith that they'll be next!

When I miscarried my friend was pregnant at the same time but never told me, I knew they were ttc and suspected she was pregnant but wasn't telling me. Every time I asked her how she was getting on etc she'd bull shit me, which I obviously realised when she text me and said she was over 13 weeks. I found that hard afterwards! I completely respect you want to keep it to yourselves until 12 weeks but keep in mind how you're replying to her at the moment. This is just totally my opinion and personal experience though, she's your friend and you know how she'll feel better

Good luck xxx

 

[firstfreakout]

Congratulations! Such great news for you.


Although I can't relate to struggling to conceive, I found out I was pregnant about a year after my baby sister had a miscarriage. She took it really hard, and in fact I hadn't known about it at the time it happened. Although she was only 17 when I found out I was pregnant I was worried to tell her because she's been having lots of issues with her uterus and ovaries throughout the years and is terrified of not being able to have children. I kept calling her and inviting her over but we didn't have the best relationship due to her mental health struggles and she kept blowing me off, so I had to tell her via a phone call one night as I wanted her to hear it from me personally. She cried and hung up and couldn't talk to me for a while.

Throughout this pregnancy, although she's occasionally checked in when I've initiated conversations, she hasn't be there at all and I think not only is it because she's quite a selfish person anyway but she finds it too difficult. Today is my due date and she's found out in the last week or so that she has abnormal cells on her cervix and needs surgery to prevent cancer, basically. She's now convinced she'll never have children and still blowing me off.

The point I'm trying to make is that your friend will react however she does, and the only thing you can do to lessen the blow is to be honest, not hide it from her and let her decide how much involvement she wants to have. And be prepared that it might hurt if she wants none for a while.

I think when you see her at 14 weeks you should explain your TTC story, as a PP mentioned, and it might help her to see the positive more than the frustration I'm sure she'll feel. However if you suspect she already knows and is trying to get you to tell her, it might be worth telling her early if she's trustworthy and you're comfortable so she doesn't feel like you're lying etc.

It's such a difficult situation to be in when someone gets hurt by our good news, but like I said, she'll deal the way she deals and the only thing you can do is be there for her and give her the time and honesty in which she can do that.
x

 

[Skyeway]

I got pregnant very easily, thinking it would take longer as everyone I had spoken to had some sort of struggle to concieve. A close friend had been trying for maybe 2 years and I was so nerbous to tell her. She was really happy and supportive, i told her I didn't know how to tell her as I was worried I would upset her. She said that her thoughts weren't about herself. I'm sure she was just being gracious, but at least I felt okay because I was honest with her about it. Another friend of mine who had struggled to concieve and had struggled with infertility and is now separating from her husband hasn't spoken to me since I told her the news. That was really disapointing for me because she has gone through a lot of struggles and I have constantly been there for her. This pregnancy has been the biggest struggle of my life and I know it must be hard seeing me go through something that she desperately wanted, and it has really been my time of need and was shocked that she wasn't able to support me in it. I guess her pain must be impossible to see past.

 

[candymycandy]

Congrats Meg!
I would send her a message rather than doing it on phone, tell her about your difficult journey first as PPs say. She will probably feel a bit sad but ultimately she's your friend so will be happy for you once the news has sunk in. It's a hard situation but honesty is the best way to go. If you decide to message, I'd explain that choice too - I was in a similar situation at the beginning of this pg (my friend lived hours away too) and text her as I wanted her to be able to have a her own honest reaction in private before I spoke to her in person x

 

[Meg86]

Thank you so much for all your lovely and honest replies! I think I'm finding this the most stressful part of my pregnancy so far! Particularly as I know how she feels - which I guess should make it easier....

I will definitely wait until after my 12 week scan but will tell her very soon after, I'd hate it even more if she heard from someone else!

Thank you again!

P.s. Good luck today (or very soon firstfreakout!!)

Xx

 

[Selina13]

I had this scenario with a very good friend just a couple of months ago. It took me and my husband 3 years ttc and to stay pregnant as had a few miscarriages then I had another mc after my son. My friend knows my journey and was supportive.

She told me she had a mc when I was pregnant, she didnt know i was and I didnt say as I wanted to fully support her which I feel I did. Anyway at 15 weeks after an awful time and waiting for results of harmony test (Poss genetic problem) I told her. I more or less apologised for being pregnant which on one had made me feel bad given what I had been through but I wanted her to know that I was sorry for her loss and how I had felt guilty. She was fine and I feel waa genuine in her happiness for me.

So I think all you can do is be honest. During my ttc ans mc journey I never really had the green eyed monster feeling so struggle to understand when women are crazy with the people they love when they get pregnant but in some way I do get it.

I always felt 'thats THEIR baby and hopefully I will get mine.' I never felt angry with anyone.

Hopefully your friend will understand and if she goes off radar for a bit then just give her space.

I did have a friend who simply couldnt have a biological child, she was bitter and she has lost many friends though it even though she adopted a gorgeous boy. Im sad she kind of stopped talking to me after I had my baby.

Anyway, more importantly congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope your feeling ok and all goes well. Xxxxx

 

[Nemi]

It's really hard hearing about everyone getting pregnant when you are ttc. We were trying for about 4 years before we got our BFP. Sometimes when I heard other people announce that they were expecting I would go home and cry and cry. I was happy for people on one level but I was so jealous and I thought it would never be my turn. The thing that I realised is that focusing on how jealous I was was hurting me and I knew that I wouldn't choose to feel that way if I could choose. I started making an effort to focus on how happy I was for others and not on the pain I felt. Within 2 months I was pregnant (coincidence?)

Anyway I don't think that you should worry about telling your friend when you are ready to tell people. If you don't tell her she will ultimately find out anyway and then will be more hurt. Maybe share your story with her too, it may give her hope? Also it may sound harsh but she needs to come to terms with her situation herself and I believe she will when she is ready!

 

[tinselcat]

I second telling her about your long and difficult journey. It would be normal for her to find the news difficult. Congrats on your bfp xx