Teenage girls

[Minime]

Having mega problems with DD to the point where I dont recognise her anymore and at this moment in time feel like dumping her on her sperm donors doorstep.

Ive had escalating bad behavior from her for about 18 months now, we've tried treatment, reward and punishment but nothing gets through. Last night it escalated and she stormed out and has ended up at my mates 15 miles away, she's best mates with my mates teenage DD.
After discussion today the top and bottom of it is basically if we're not nice to her then she isnt coming home. I wont be held to ransom and I am trying to keep calm for her brothers sake.

She has developed this utterly selfish streak, all me me me. She even sulked when we bought LO his ESSENTIALS. She sulked when we had a private scan because she didnt get one. Besides the fact I was a teenager on social at the time they didnt bloody exist then!!!
She wants for nothing, she has in her room a PC, MP3 player, mobile, TV, freeview, dvd player, more make up and the good stuff too than I have, more jewellery than I have and so many clothes her wardrobes are bursting. We try to get her to spend time with us as a family she doesnt want to know and would rather hang round the streets with people she only met in february when we moved here.

When we've spoken to her she just doesnt get it and thinks she has done no wrong. Some of my friends say "typical teenager" well I know dozens of teenagers none of which behave that way or push the boundaries never mind step right over them like she does.


Any advice? Jesus I thought I was bad as a teenager but I wouldnt dare do some of the things she doesnt even think twice about

If one of my mates kids behaved like she does I'd tell them they'd raised a brat!

 

[Londoner Claire]

How old is she? I was sent to boarding school at 13 for naughty kids, sorted me out!

 

[Minime]

14 in January. OH knows a good convent school that would sort her out - it is being seriously considered!

 

[Londoner Claire]

NO, my mate Elaine went to a convent school and ended up a right slut, sorry to use that word but she did.

I don't envy you at all, I can't handle Ryan's behaviour a lot of the time and he's half her age.

 

[TipsyDipsy]

I'm scared of when my daughter becomes a teenage for exactly those reasons.
Girls are selfish when they reach that age.
Perhaps say i'm sending your tellie to the second hand shop if you don't come home tomorrow followed by your MP3 player the next day and your DVD player the next. Then when you've gone through all the expesive stuff say you'll start burning her clothes one item at a time.
Hit her where it hurts and I can ensure you she'll be on the next bus home lol.
Although part of me thinks you know she's safe so treat it like a well earned holiday

 

[Hypnorm]

Sounds like she is spoilt (nothing personal) and doesnt understand the worth of things, personally i would take the all the expensive things out of her room, and sell them it doesn sound like she has any respect.
She needs to earn respect back.
I'd call her bluff.

Sorry but sounds like she needs a good kick! and to learn to respect.
She may also feel threatened by the baby.

 

[tracyM]

We went through similar with Dan last year. He wasn't going out like your DD but we were getting phone calls from school every day. He was testing boundaries, knew school couldn't do anything so did it there.

We tried taking things off him but it didn't work for us. He lost practically everything in his room except his bed but he was still getting in trouble. We've worked through it by giving him more responsibility and treating him like an adult. He doesn't have a bedtime anymore - if he stays up late and gets tired, that's his fault. If he doesn't bring me his laundry, it doesn't get washed. Lots of little things, but he now realises there are direct consequences to everything he does (or doesn't do) - taking stuff off him for misbehaving at school didn't make sense to him - he just saw it as unfair which caused even more conflict.

I think the biggest thing I've done is stop arguing / shouting at him. If we don't see eye to eye on something, I let him make his own mistakes - I've been right and he's been wrong so many times now, he does actually listen to my advice.

I was dreading him hanging out on the streets so I've said he can have as many mates round here as he wants. It was a nightmare to start with - there'd be 10 of them in his room every night. He's got rid of the dickheads - the ones who would vandalise stuff on the street were vandalising his room. We're now down to a select few who are pretty good. If they put music on too loud, they know I'll put Harry Seycombe on louder

 

[Amanda]

I sympathise completely Minime. As you know, Kayleigh is also 13, and she went through an awful patch a couple of months ago. Things got better for a while, but we still had little hiccups, then things slipped drastically the week before last. I don't want to hijack your post Minime, so I'll tell you about it one day.

Things are okay now, thank god, but I just wanted to agree with what Tracy has said. We have tried the grounding, the shouting, the removal of privilages, the taking away of stuff out of her room, but nothing worked. I have found that what seems to work is treating her like an adult and involving her in stuff more. She has had to go school in muddy trousers this morning as she hasn't done her washing!! She's learning the hard way!

And we've also made sure that if we buy anything for Charlie, even if it is essentials, Kayleigh gets something as well. I know she should be old enough to know that she is not getting left out, but sometimes she is still a kid. Last week I had to replace all of Charlie's vests and sleepsuits to 3-6 months, so I bought her a new mascara. It only cost £4, but she really appreciated it.

Oh, and the other thing that you have said about other teenagers not behaving in this way.... talk to their parents - I think you'll find they are all as bad!!!

 

[Strangeness]

I think it sounds like she feels threatened by the arrival of a new baby. Is she an only child? She's used to being spoilt by you and she knows that a new baby will get spoilt and maybe she thinks she'll be left out. 14 is still a child. I think she's trying to get a reaction from you because maybe she feels it's the only way you speak to her? There could be so many things but I think the main reason is the baby just by the way she acted when you got the baby essentials. I really hope you can sort it out with her.

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

I think it sounds like she feels threatened by the arrival of a new baby. Is she an only child? She's used to being spoilt by you and she knows that a new baby will get spoilt and maybe she thinks she'll be left out. 14 is still a child. I think she's trying to get a reaction from you because maybe she feels it's the only way you speak to her? There could be so many things but I think the main reason is the baby just by the way she acted when you got the baby essentials. I really hope you can sort it out with her.

i agree completely with strangeness

 

[Minime]

She's spoilt alright and I know thats my fault. I brought her up on a very tight budget and I didnt see my family for years and she never see's her father or any of his family at all so in a way when I've been financially able to treat her Ive done just that as a way of making up for lack of extended family if that makes sense.

She's really excited about her brother as she's been an only child all these years but I think the reality is that she knows life will change drastically and she'll have to share. She wont go without per se butthings will change.

Her behaviour changed when I lived with ex husband and his older kid moved in. She was very sheltered until then and she started introducing her to a world far removed from her own i.e. scallies
When we actually moved on her own she got much much worse like drinking in the park with her new found 'friends' who when she fell and hit her head weren't seen for dust. It was her oldest mate who's a good kid who came to her aid. She ended up in A&E and throwing up on the floor. You'd think she'd learn from that but nope, we got a repeat performance not so long ago and when I cleaned her room this weekend I found several large bottles of stuff like wkd.

She thinks me and OH are strict but we give her boundaries and expect them to be observed without question. She on the other hand is pushing all the time and has now learnt she can do one to my mates however she is backing us 100%

We want to stamp on it now coz the way she's going I really dont want to be a grandmother before I'm at least 40! Sounds awful that but the way she's escalating then anything's possible

 

[Amanda]

We want to stamp on it now coz the way she's going I really dont want to be a grandmother before I'm at least 40! Sounds awful that but the way she's escalating then anything's possible

That is actually the thing that I was referring to when I said I didn't want to hijack your post hun. I actually thought I was going to be a grandma at the age of 36. But the little pink line didn't appear, and now the social services and the police are involved (he was 19 )

We've realised that Kayeigh was seeing all the attention on Charlie, and how much we love him, and wanted a baby of her own. We've now talked it all out, and haven't punished her at all. At the end of the day, she has done nothing wrong. She is a 13 year old child, and he is a grown man (but without any manly bits if DH every gets hold of him!)

I can also understand totally what you have said about spoiling her. I split from Kayleigh's dad when she was 3, then had a 5 year relationship with someone else (who didn't even really notice her ), so it was just me and her, and I spolit her to compensate. Then I met DH, and he has treated her more like a daughter than her own Dad. He is harsher than me, and he is the disciplinarian, and I want to spoil her. It is hard, but I realise that he is doing the right thing.

We're going to get Xmas out of the way, then she is going to her Dad's for New Year, then we are starting a fresh. We have all agreed that life hasn't exactly been fun for any of us over the past year, and are all going to try to make it better - and that includes Kayleigh.

Wishing you all the luck in the world hun. Us mums with teenagers need it! And you know where I am if you need me, even if it's just to rant to someone who is also going through the same thing as you.

 

[Em78]

My goodness Amanda you must have been going mental inside hun!

bless her its hard at that age when all the hormones are kicking in. she wont be the first girl of that age to want a baby and she sure wont be the last.

sounds like you guys handled it really well though - must have been hard not to go off on one - i would have wanted to scream and shout but of course that gets you nowhere!

glad things are working out now - hope that dirty little bu**er gets sorted out by the police!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[foxymum]

christ amanda never knew you were going through all this

have a good xmas.xx

to minime, sounds like you are doing everything possible, i have a 14 yr old stepson who lives here with us & a 10 yr ols daughter & they can be so greedy & selfish they drive me insane, so you're not the only one by a long shot.
does sound like she could feel threatened by the new baby, it was suggested to me that georgia (my DD) feels threatened bt Louie even though she dotes on him as much as me, we forget they are only young & need a lot of attention.good luck.xx

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

blimey amanda u deserve a medal for staying calm
i was 17 wen i found out i was PG and i cant imagine how mum and dad felt
u did the best thing if u ask me

 

[Minime]

We want to stamp on it now coz the way she's going I really dont want to be a grandmother before I'm at least 40! Sounds awful that but the way she's escalating then anything's possible

That is actually the thing that I was referring to when I said I didn't want to hijack your post hun. I actually thought I was going to be a grandma at the age of 36. But the little pink line didn't appear, and now the social services and the police are involved (he was 19 )

We've realised that Kayeigh was seeing all the attention on Charlie, and how much we love him, and wanted a baby of her own. We've now talked it all out, and haven't punished her at all. At the end of the day, she has done nothing wrong. She is a 13 year old child, and he is a grown man (but without any manly bits if DH every gets hold of him!)

I can also understand totally what you have said about spoiling her. I split from Kayleigh's dad when she was 3, then had a 5 year relationship with someone else (who didn't even really notice her ), so it was just me and her, and I spolit her to compensate. Then I met DH, and he has treated her more like a daughter than her own Dad. He is harsher than me, and he is the disciplinarian, and I want to spoil her. It is hard, but I realise that he is doing the right thing.

We're going to get Xmas out of the way, then she is going to her Dad's for New Year, then we are starting a fresh. We have all agreed that life hasn't exactly been fun for any of us over the past year, and are all going to try to make it better - and that includes Kayleigh.

Wishing you all the luck in the world hun. Us mums with teenagers need it! And you know where I am if you need me, even if it's just to rant to someone who is also going through the same thing as you.

Blimey they sound so alike its unreal!!

I hope the police take it further, they may be 13 and look 16 but emotionally they're very fragile at that age and they certainly cant handle adult 'relationships' That creep has taken advantage of her vulnerable state of mind which most girls that age go through only she was unfortunate enough to meet someone who took advantage of that.
Even if Kayleigh refuses to make a statement he'll have a marker on him, not much to compensate though but maybe your DH might get acquainted one day....

it'll all turn out fine for both of us I'm sure