Struggling to bond with my 8 month old :(

[DeeDeeAbi]

I feel so sad writing this but I'm at my wits. Does anyone have any good tips/advice on how to develop a stronger bond to their baby? I'm really struggling with my son- he's only 8 months but he's such a hard, constantly frustrated baby. My eldest son (2.5) is just so great, was an easy baby and is honestly a dream most of the time. Just really worried how this will all impact with my youngest- he doesn't seem to want cuddles ever, he's just so rough and wants to clamber all over me instead- then just constantly moan. I thought once he started crawling he'd be less annoyed but now all he wants to do is walk- nothing pleases him!! I hope someone can make sense of these ramblings....xx

 

[Princess81]

I’m sorry you’re feeliing this way and it sounds really tough do you think he’d go in a sling? Baby massage or rhyme time might calm him? Have you told your health visitor? It’s so hard when they’re cranky, mine was the same and grew out of it eventually. Now he’s the happiest little boy ever x

 

[DeeDeeAbi]

Oh that gives me hope, thank you! He can be adorable- so smiley and laughs a lot so not all bad. Just most of the times he's so bloody hard to please. I just keep hoping it gets easier really soon! I sound awful but I absolutely hate health visitors- find them so patronising! I do a little class with him but don't feel like its helped. Just feel like a rubbish mum to him at the moment, especially when I can't soothe him with physical contact xx

 

[tinselcat]

Hi DeeDeeAbi,

My adventurous little boy was very energetic, liked trying to climb over me (I didn't mind that game when I got to lie down on the floor & do nothing) and wouldn't engage in daytime cuddles... but at nighttime I would cuddle him to sleep and all of a sudden he'd relax in my arms & I'd get the nice cuddles I felt were missing. It may not be so practical if you have an older child, but now my 3 y/o is very affectionate, loves cuddles etc - still won't stay in anyone's arms for particularly long, but at least he sees the value in it!

Good luck - I know it's difficult xx

 

[tinselcat]

Also, I found baby swimming classes really good for physical contact (it's basically skin to skin time). I adored the Puddleducks classes if you have any near you, lots of singing songs and splashing games etc. I say this despite hating swimming myself!!

 

[DeeDeeAbi]

Tinslecat thanks so much X
I try cuddle at night but he just writhes about and gets angry that he's not climbing!! Swimming is a great idea xx

 

[Kholl]

I am so sorry to hear this. I understand more than I can say. My first was a dream; snuggly, calm, happy, almost never cried. She didn't sleep well but none of my babies do it seems! Then came my son and it was such a different experience it pretty much destroyed me for the first year of his life. He was colicky as a baby, hated the carrier/sling (while my first was always content as long as she was in a carrier), spit up constantly, screamed 24/7 in the car, fussed/cried 24/7 at home... it was exhausting and heartbreaking. And I have a brother with depression and all I could think was that my son must have the same. I was distraught. And then after he turned about 9-10 months he eased up, and now at almost 4 he's the most exuberant, joyful, tender, witty, charming little man anyone could imagine. I can't tell you how delightful he is. He still has that strong, driven character that made him a difficult baby, and he still has tantrums that would break a less-experienced mom (and sometimes drive me to the brink, even though I know how to deal with them now), but he is, well, just HAPPY. I'm sure your boy is fine - these temperaments can be hard in the early months but are so wonderful long-term!

 

[DeeDeeAbi]

Thanks Kholl xx
This one hates the sling too, my eldest used to sleep in it! I've been doing a different bedtime routine with him this week and I do feel a bit closer to him, I just wish he'd relax and allow cuddles more. You've all given me hope, thank you. I hope mine will grow out of it and just let me in. Trying swimming together tomorrow for the morning session, wish me luck! XX

 

[DeeDeeAbi]

Ps, that sounds a rough year Kholl, you're a supermum xc

 

[tinselcat]

How did the swimming go DeeDeeAbi?

Re nighttime cuddles - my little boy generally used to wriggle, turning around and around in my lap for what could be 20 minutes. But at some point, we both relaxed and would fall asleep together! That point where the wriggles stop and the close cuddles start I really love! xx

 

[DeeDeeAbi]

I decided to leave it as he had a later nap (I have to collect my other son from preschool at 12!). Going next Tue. I've instead focussed on our night time routine and really enjoyed reading and singing to him...he looks up at me and it melts my heart. Maybe he's just not the cuddly type right now. He's got a top tooth through today too so hoping that alleviates his angryness for a tiny time! Xx

 

[DeeDeeAbi]

Ps. Hoping to build up to those night time cuddles. I really crave them xx

 

[firstfreakout]

Although he seems to have outgrown it a bit, my kiddo was a bit like this. He's almost 11 months now. He has always been very aware of his surroundings and very head strong, and not cuddly if he doesn't want to be - he always wants to be on the move at the moment. He won't even let me cuddle him to sleep anymore as he puts himself to bed :O

I found music helps keep him entertained a bit when he's in a frustrated mood, as he loves it. It's also a nice bonding thing because I get to pick him up and bounce him around to it and sing (awfully) to him.

Maybe try some messy play activities or build some forts/climbing obstacles and play with him with those? Or if you have a bath tub you could make a bath of bubbles and climb in with him and have a splash and a giggle?

It's hard when you want to snuggle with them and they have absolutely no interest, but there are so many other ways to build a bond. And he's coming up to an age where he can have a bit more coordination and interest in things so it makes finding activities more fun. If he likes being active try different activities with him to keep him occupied. The moaning could be because he's frustrated that he can't do what he wants to (eg walking instead of crawling etc) and just needs a bit more stimulation x

 

[Juice]

Kids are a pain in the arse. Of course they're cute and lovely and blah blah blah, but sometimes they're mean, and it's really hard to like someone when they're never nice to you, whether you gave birth to them or not.

I went through a phase where I was sure I hated my daughter. It was terrible twos but she was honestly and truly just vile all the time. I used to cry simply because I felt so guilty because I thought I didn't love her. But it was just so hard when all she did was scream and shout and throw things. When that phase finished and she went back to being her I realised I didn't hate her i just couldn't cope with her behaviour.

It's so hard to stay positive and feel positive towards someone who constantly gives nothing back. It's heart breaking. As a parent you think you should like unconditionally as well as love unconditionally, but in reality it's just not that simple.

This will pass. With time he will get easier and more affectionate, and will give you some indication that he loves you back, and everything will fall into place.