Step kids dilema

[suzzi]

bit of a wierd one but last night on facebook my step daughter asked my son when baby was due and as soon as i go into labour she wants to know as she will come over and to the hospital!!

well ive told my kids not to tell her or my other step kids, im not being horrible but i would rather tell them when ive had baby x i cant be doing with 3 step kids and my 2 kids hanging about while im pacing the room.

if it happens when my 2 are at school/college i wont be telling them until we go hospital as i dont want them coming home.

problem in think my OH will tell them and he might take the huff if i say i dont want them to know, also they come over on fridays for the weekend and if i have lo late thursday or friday morning i wont want them over as ill be getting to know lo and will be recovering x but oh wont understand if i say leave it till saturday or sunday to have them over.

there lovely kids but think my feeling have to come first, how do you think i should word it to oh x x

sorry needed to get that out

 

[Verity2011]

I think it's always difficult with our partners and their families whether thats in laws or step children. But you're definitely right that it's your feelings that need to come first. Birth is such a dramatic event we each need to deal with it the way we feel most comfortable and we also all need some alone time with our new little ones - they've been a part of us for 9 months that bond doesn't change over night.

When I'm talking to DH about similar issues with in laws etc. I've started trying to write down all my feelings and reasons on paper beforehand so that I won't get too emotional or shouty and forget my original points. I also try and use lots of neutral language like 'I feel' etc. so it doesn't seem like a direct attack so he won't get defensive. Instead of saying they will all be a bit overwhelming etc. I say "I feel like I will need some quiet to recover and make sure that I am physically able to enjoy their company and love." It doesn't always work and I often get over emotional and end up shouting lol but sometimes it has helped diffuse certain difficult discussions. Hope this helps xxxxx

 

[suzzi]

thanks for that writing it down is a good idea.

i might just give him a gentle warning today saying to let them know if i go into labour late in the week they may not be over on friday but will be meeting their new brother sometime that weekend x hopefully that doesnt upset anyone x

its difficult coz i know he'll say my sister will be over but she wont overstay her welcome x and my kids will be here but they live here so thats to be expected x also my son will probably stay at his girlfriends over the weekend x

 

[Verity2011]

Awww I really feel for you. I don't think you should have to justify having your family round at all - as I said I have similar problems and whenever we get into this DH gets upset that obviously I want my parents round as soon as possible. But as you say I know they won't get in the way and if I feel stressed or tired I'm comfortable telling them that in a way that you can't do when it's not your direct family. I really think you have every right to tell him this and just try and explain to him that actually the only person it is important not to upset is YOU, not anyone else. Hope that gives you a little more confidence to tell him what you want xxxxx

 

[suzzi]

yeah it does thanks x he may say he completely understands lol but in the past he gets defensive if i say anything about his kids!

i wrote a post a while back about going for a scan at the hospital to see if i needed a c section, i was really nervous and upset as i didnt want one, anyway his daughter was over but going home that morning and OH said he would take her home before hospital or she could come with us WTF he didnt even ask me, i told him id rather she went home before as i didnt want anyone there as i didnt know what my reaction would be. he thought i was being difficult!!!!!

so you see what im up against!

 

[Verity2011]

Awwwwww you poor thing big mental hugs

 

[suzzi]

thanks x x going to sit him down tonight and explain what i want x as if i wait till ive had him or am in labour its gonna come across wrong x x lol x x will also include my kids in the conversation so it doesnt look like im just meaning his kids x x

 

[suzzi]

well spoke to OH the other night and just said let the kids know arrangements could change this weekend if i go into labour, he said ok, then i said to kids i dont want anyting put on facebook or texting bbm etc that im in labour or going hospital, OH looked at me funny but i said well i dont want them turning up at hospital before ive had him. thought id got it sorted.

anyway last night he said hed pick his daughter up at 5 on friday, ifollowed that by as long as baby doesnt make an appearence, he said well yeah coz then the other daughter who drives will bring her WTF do you not listen to anything i say!!

i dont want them at the hospital, im not planning on staying in hospital long the sooner i can be home im off, and id like the first night at home with just us and not a house full of 5 teenagers x

i really dont think thats unfair to ask x

 

[Verity2011]

Awww hon you're not being unfair at all. I've also told dh that I don't want anyon at th hospital an other than my parents no one for the first couple of days. We're the ones who have to go through this and it's a big thing. If this was any other reason for being in hospital they would understand. It sounds like he's being really selfish - you deserve the right to recuperate hon. Big hugs x