Really not coping.

[LuW]

Um.. Hi? sorry I'm just not feeling very polite today and this is more of a outburst then a question or anything I'm expecting a comment on. I just really need to get this off my chest before I really do go insane.

Billie's due date is coming up and all I spend most of my time doing is holding the blanket his daddy gave me for him. It was supposed to be burried at the memorial service but I couldn't part with it when I was there and alone. All I can think is, only 5 more weeks and I would have had that first real cuddle. Instead I have 6 more weeks until his daddy goes away to fight for his country. A fight we should not be fighting, but I'll leave my polictical judgments aside.

So in the middle of my hormone fueled tantrum today I made a comment on facebook over how it isn't fair that should happen to me. Only to be jumped on by every pregnant friend I have, sorry - every pregnant friend I have whose never lost a child, that I'm taking it out on them that I wasn't good enough.

I tried to talk to OH over it all for him to turn around and say 'well it wasn't your fault, it just happened.' It made me feel like my baby meant nothing to him and I'm the only one who still wants my baba.

He'd always said when I was starting to get help for my depression that if things got far too much for me he could come home. He's just decided it would be a good idea to inform me he can only come home if I was pregnant. Not the time to tell me that if my body had done as it should I would have been able to have my man come home more often to make sure I was okay.


All I've got is memories and dreams. I envy anyone who gets to actually talk to their OH's when their down. I have to email him, or text because he's not in a place he can speak. or even if I couldn't tal to him just see him.

I'm in a mood with him and I've said some extremely hurtful things to him now but all I can think is I want my baby. And how much jealousy I feel towards everyone I know with children or the OH's home or both.

Sorry for all the rant. Don't expect a reply or anyone to read tbh, just needed to write it all down.


LuX

 

[kedi376]

After reading this all I want to did is send you massive hugs. I'm sorry you're having a shitty time. I hope you'll be ok hun xx

 

[LuW]

Thanks Kedi. I'm just so angry at him right now. He honestly led me to believe that if I went and got the help and a full diagnosis then if I was still struggling, he could come home. And now he's come out with that while I'm already upset about not being a mummy anymore.

Thought he understood. Guess I was wrong.

LuX

 

[kanga86]

I have no idea what u are going through but wanted to send big hugs to u it must be so hard having oh in the forces and not being there when u need him most, even just for a cuddle.

U can always rant to us on here and we will try to support u as much as we can, and give u as many cyber hugs u need xx

 

[LuW]

Thanks Kanga, wish I drove on motorways to come and get those hugs and to get away from here. Friends = comepltely immature. Family(if I can call them that) = no longer worth my time.

Guna get on a plane and just go somewhere and not come back.

LuX

 

[kedi376]

Some men have a habit of not explaining themselves properly, that's the problem. Most are not very good with their own feelings either. Do you have any other family you can lean on while he is away?

I can't begin to understand how hard it must be for you, but like Kanga says, there are always people on this site that will try and cheer you up or just listen to you so you don't feel so alone.

 

[munchkin1982]

aaawww hunni sending you lots of and

if it's any help, most of the time I can't even talk to my OH if I am feeling down etc as I get told that I'm just "moaning" I think some men just really don't know how to be "understanding" or even just to "listen". Just knowing that we can rant away at them about something etc without being told to "stop being a typical woman" etc would help us so much sometimes. Men eh?

And don't ever feel bad for ranting away on here! Gosh, I don't know what I would do without everyone on here! xxx

 

[LuW]

Though I'd let you all know he is groveling as I've just got a text saying 'Love you Mrs P.X' thats emotional for him!

Just so mad he brought up that little fact when we should have only been a few weeks away from our little family. Urghhh some days I think I should give up on men and jump on the other bus. Then I remember I really do love him and would b pretty lost without him sometimes.


Thank you so much for this girls, Teared up reading things and it's made me feel so much better that I could jut come on here and rant and no one turn around and tell me to grow up(got that an awful lot from another forum I was on originally when I first lost Billie.)

Thanks

LuX

 

[isobel84]

I don't really know what to say to u I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what u r goin trough n I just wanted to give u some hugs a lot of ppl take pregnancy n children for granted, but the truth is every child making it to this world is a miracle and an blessing. I'm so sorry for what you are going trough hun

 

[Butterflykisses]

Really sorry you're having such a tough time hun. I find things hard enough when my DH is on night shift and I'm on late shift cos that means I don't see him properly for 5 days and get lonely in that time. Can't imagine what it would be like for him to be away for months at a time. Have friends who are in that situation and I know they find it tough. My heart goes out to you. Especially hard coming up to due date (mine would have been 6 weeks away). As all the girls have said if you ever need to rant or just need someone to talk to we're all here and we'll do our best to cheer you up. PM me anytime.

 

[roxane 1985]

Um.. Hi? sorry I'm just not feeling very polite today and this is more of a outburst then a question or anything I'm expecting a comment on. I just really need to get this off my chest before I really do go insane.

Billie's due date is coming up and all I spend most of my time doing is holding the blanket his daddy gave me for him. It was supposed to be burried at the memorial service but I couldn't part with it when I was there and alone. All I can think is, only 5 more weeks and I would have had that first real cuddle. Instead I have 6 more weeks until his daddy goes away to fight for his country. A fight we should not be fighting, but I'll leave my polictical judgments aside.

So in the middle of my hormone fueled tantrum today I made a comment on facebook over how it isn't fair that should happen to me. Only to be jumped on by every pregnant friend I have, sorry - every pregnant friend I have whose never lost a child, that I'm taking it out on them that I wasn't good enough.

I tried to talk to OH over it all for him to turn around and say 'well it wasn't your fault, it just happened.' It made me feel like my baby meant nothing to him and I'm the only one who still wants my baba.

He'd always said when I was starting to get help for my depression that if things got far too much for me he could come home. He's just decided it would be a good idea to inform me he can only come home if I was pregnant. Not the time to tell me that if my body had done as it should I would have been able to have my man come home more often to make sure I was okay.


All I've got is memories and dreams. I envy anyone who gets to actually talk to their OH's when their down. I have to email him, or text because he's not in a place he can speak. or even if I couldn't tal to him just see him.

I'm in a mood with him and I've said some extremely hurtful things to him now but all I can think is I want my baby. And how much jealousy I feel towards everyone I know with children or the OH's home or both.

Sorry for all the rant. Don't expect a reply or anyone to read tbh, just needed to write it all down.


LuX

vent away hun, thats how we cope with things by getting it off our chests, if u keep it bottled up it will send u nuts, i only partly know how you feel as i only lost mine at 6 weeks and 8 weeks, and it obviously wasnt ment to be maybe they would of had lots of health issues etc and suffered alot so in away im thankful.

i hope in time you start to feel better hun, but until then if you need to rant, scream or cry about it to help you cope then you do that and dont let anyone tell you otherwise xxxx

 

[laurat]

Im sorry honey, I know your pain of loosing your baby and it is unexplainable but to have your oh fight in the services must be so hard. Im glad he sent you the wee text. I know that men do find it hard emotionally at times. I posted about mine the other day only to find out he was really upset and I hadnt realised. They will be hurt but just not always sure how to express it!

I want to give you a big hug too and tell you to keep using here to let it out!

 

[LuW]

Had a bit of a lie in to cool off, still so wound up its untrue. Just want our boy back and our new little baba we've been planning. Always feels like my true family has been taken away from me time and time again. Seriously praying for baba's bfp before he leaves, selfishly though as I know I really wont cope without any of them over those 6months. Felt like I had part of him taken away from me when we lost Billie and it'd be nice to have part of them both back with me.

Just feel like I'm all woe is me atm and seriously wish I could come and get all these huggles, desperate for a proper hug and sadly most 18yo I know aren't interested in helping people with actual problems, but more where they can get money to go out every weekend.


LuX

 

[Geminiblue]

OMG if anyone has a right to feel off key, down, depressed, scared, angry, upset its you babe, my heart goes out to you, your messages have made me tearful, Im so sorry youve had such a god awful time and thats exactly what it is, awful beyond words. Nobody as the right to tellyou to grow up, or pull yourself together, nobody knows completely what you are going through AND to have depression ontop of that! Bless your heart, I hope you are getting some support through your doctors or counsellor? Ive had counselling before and its help me lots....its not for everyone.... Im sending you lots of love and hoping you feel better soon (for want of a better expression) xxx

 

[LuW]

Thanks Gemini, I'm on about the forth different anti depressant because they make me sick, but trying to get them to seriously lower the dose an I've like no energy on them. Atleast off them when I'm mad I have the energy to go out for a run or take my horse to a local cross country course.
And starting with a new counsellor on thursday as my last 'felt there was nothing more she could do'. So hoping this one tries as he's a private counsellor and costing me a fortune!
Baking and making smoothies tonight to prove to myself I do have my uses!

Trying to have a cocktail party at weekend, curtesy of some friends in high places which will mean I can try and relax with some close chums and pretend to be a 'normal' teen for the night loll! Just realised I don't think I've ever seen anyone under about 25 in that club except when me and the owner's son work the bar.... maybe not 'normal' teens.... highclass teens =D

LuX

 

[Young Mum 21 x]

massive hugs xxxxxxxx

 

[LuW]

Thanks YM21. Everyone on here has really made me =D Don't feel quite as much of a loon over things when theres people like you lovely ladies!

LuX

 

[kedi376]

We even tell jokes if you're really really down! Pleased to hear you're feeling a little better about things. Take one day at a time hun xxxxx