Rant - step child - plz don't judge me :-/

Discussion in 'Third Trimester' started by Aries86, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. Aries86

    Aries86 Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well I've been with my fiancé for 5 &1/2 years and we each have a child from previous relationships.
    My son is 10 ( 4 1/2 when we met)
    His daughter is 13 ( just turned 8 when we met)
    We have been together a while before deciding we would like one together ( I'm 30 and he's 45 so didn't want to wait too much longer )

    I'm now 38 weeks and 1 day and I feel like I'm doing everything in the house. Well I've told my fiancé how I feel about having to do everything when I'm so heavily pregnant. All I want is to relax and have the house clean etc. He only has her fri pm till sun pm but I feel like a hotel servant when she's there.

    I cook / make 4 meals a day because she is always hungry ( she's nowhere near underweight !!) . He's quite picky my fella so I have to cook from scratch - we very rarely eat anything From a tin and micro meals are a big no no.

    Well the last 3 weekends I've managed to convince my son to peel the veg by telling him how much I'm struggling, my fella doesn't help because he's snowed under with work, & if I ask her to wash the few pots she washes her own plate then goes to her room and leaves me to wash all the pots dry them and put them away !!! ( Thai is 4 times a day if we have porridge or fry up for breakfast)

    I've told him about how much I'm struggling and how she should help me ! My son helps and he's 3 years younger . She sits on her arse all weekend and doesn't lift a finger - she doesn't even hoover her room etc anymore - I use to be on her case bout cleaning her room so she would then do it. But I'm
    Too tired and because I'm not on her case she doesn't do it , he should be pulling up the slack but I feel like it's all down to me all of the time.

    She's normally an ok kid and doesn't usually bother me so much - but the heavier I get the lazier she becomes !! She doesn't do anything around the house - she should be able to pack the washer and wash pots at least !!!

    Is it just hormones ? Am I justified in telling him he and her should do more ? I feel like a slave

    Well I've told him I'm staying at my mums now until baby is born- she lives closer to hospital .

    He can cook 4 meals and clean up after the them both whilst he's trying to get his work
    Done and clean the house all weekend .... oh yea and he's picking her up tonight ( Friday) & he told me he's having dinner with her at his parents house because she has refused to go shopping on the way to his house !!! So he has to go shopping Saturday instead ( wasting more time and fuel!) he tried to get me to do it but I said I'm just too tired
     
  2. Beckyb1991

    Beckyb1991 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2012
    Messages:
    1,164
    Likes Received:
    15
    Im sorry but shes a 13 year old teenager I'm not entirely sure what you expect ... its sounds like its your other half that needs to start pulling his weight not your step daughter. Perhaps you need to sit down and have a proper chat with him and tell him he needs to help more and when his daughters there at the weekend she has to help with washing up. I agree that your step daughter is old enough to help but teenagers will be teenagers and its unlikely she'll do someyhing without being told to do it! Good luck! X
     
  3. Browneyed Girl

    Browneyed Girl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2012
    Messages:
    2,225
    Likes Received:
    1
    I think you're expecting too much of her as 1. She's a child and 2. It's not her house. That's not to say that she shouldn't be doing her bit i.e. clearing her dishes away and doing the odd chore but I think you're placing blame in the wrong place, the person who should be pulling their weight more around the house is your oh.

    It sounds like you might have a slightly strained relationship with your step daughter anyway as you say she doesn't normally bother you so much which makes me think she does bother you a bit normally. I've had a step son myself so I know it's not easy but just take a step back and reassess this x


     
  4. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2012
    Messages:
    12,690
    Likes Received:
    4
    I agree with the ladies, she is a teenager and they are not the most proactive. My son is 14 and it's like getting blood from a stone for him to just pick his clothes from the floor.
    I agree that she should help but not too much, I wouldn't be expecting her to do full ons stuff like all the washing up or hoovering etc but if she tidied up after herself, I would be happy enough with that. It must be hard to be the stepchild in the house as it's not her home essentially.
    I would speak to your hubby and ask him for more help more xx
     
  5. Holi

    Holi Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2012
    Messages:
    1,997
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't think your being unreasonable, but I don't have any step kids so maybe that's different. I just think if I was in your position I would expect my own children to be chipping in/helping out. But I defo think your oh should be doing more. And he should be the one encouraging her to help.

    Has anyone made her feel involved with getting excited for the baby? Is she excited? Feeling pushed out? You mentioned your hubby is busy, has he spent any one-on-one with her recently? It must be a really weird feeling being the child that 'visits' at the weekend. Your son lives with you, baby will too. She might be feeling a bit funny about it all (I'm just guessing, she might be totally ok with it all!) maybe her lack of enthusiasm to help stems from other feelings?

    Having said that teenagers can be lazy slobs so could just be that too hahaha xx


     
  6. Laura1992

    Laura1992 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2014
    Messages:
    1,092
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think it's easy to see children/teenagers as mini adults, especially as they can seem and look so grown up these days! Then we fall into the trap of expecting them to do as much as we expect from adults, and to think like adults when really they are still developing and still children.

    I think the problem is her attitude, but unfortunately that is a universal problem with teenagers! I do agree with other people that your partner is the one that should be helping you, not stepdaughter.

    It also seems crazy that you're preparing 4 meals per day! Make one big batch and tell them to reheat it if they're hungry again, or make something themselves? It's not reasonable to expect you to do that and your food bill must be astronomical!

    I hope that things improve and that your partner can find a way to give you more of a hand. It's so tough being pregnant and trying to run a household, it really is.
     
    #6 Laura1992, Nov 19, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2016
  7. Aries86

    Aries86 Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    I honestly do 3-4 meals a day when I'm there on weekends. Porridge or fry up for breakfast at 830, 1230 I'm making a salad or stew or omelette ( something quick) , dinner is usually some kind of roast or meat and veg meal, then about 730 I make the kids a snack I.e cheese and crackers / cheese on toast and a drink before bed !!

    I don't live with my fiancé full time- I usually stay the weekend when his daughter is up and my son comes along with me. So we can have family time . So the 4 of us live together each weekend . In the week i usually work 38 hours ( on maternity now) & help my disabled parents whilst my fella is at work, & as my fella is at work I'll pop over to his and clean the house / iron his work clothes , prepare his dinner each day etc.... as well as helping my folks.

    I have told him both the kids need chores to be set, they are 10 & 13 they are not babies. I don't treat my son any different to the stepdaughter , in fact I'm probably harder on him !, if he doesn't clean his room etc he gets Xbox confiscated. Where as she will stay the weekend and refuses to clean her room before she leaves and I end up doing it in the week !

    Ultimately it's mine own fault for allowing them to all put on me.... normally I don't
    Whinge and I just get on with it but at nearly 39 weeks pregnant ,,, am I unreasoned to want to rest ?
     
  8. Aries86

    Aries86 Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    I still do the weekly shop too on a Monday - on my own I might add , unless I can get my sis to pop along and help me.
    I think I'll do internet shop to save me the bother - but we go to Lidl and they don't do internet shop :(
     
  9. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2012
    Messages:
    12,690
    Likes Received:
    4
    Of course you want and need a rest. I do think you are taking on too much. I wouldn't make the eve snack, if they want it, they are capable of doing that themselves and if they do want to don't it then they go without.
    Also, I wouldn't be going to his house and doing his cleaning for him. He can do it himself. The more you take on, they more they will expect of you. If you say you can't do it anymore then he will just have to get on with it. My OH works full time in a stressful job and he has been doing all the shopping, cooking and walking to dog because I have hyperemisis. Working full time isn't an excuse not to do it.
    Also, it's her room, if she doesn't do it, close the door and leave it. I think a teenagers room should be their space anyway. She will tidy it eventually, esp if that's where she spends alot of her time.
    I remember what it's like to get to that stage of pregnancy and everything is hard work, take it easy and relax. It's a hard balance with step families, I still wouldn't expect her to be contributing massively as she is a child still and again, teenagers will be teenagers xx
     
    #9 lisey, Nov 19, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2016
  10. Aries86

    Aries86 Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well I've been back to my fiancé house today to collect my laptop for my son to do his school homework. I haven't been there all week or the weekend. Well the house is a right mess..... there's mess everywhere and pots left unwashed all over the kitchen tops and the floor doesn't look like it's seen a hoover in the whole week!!

    And to top it off I find they have both ( partner and his daughter ) left the nursery door open and I've found dirty cat prints all over the sofa in the nursery and in the cot and there's fur in the cot too- obviously cat has been sleeping in it!!!

    I am absolutely devastated as when I'm there the cats are confined to the great outdoors or the front room only and the nursery door is always kept shut !!

    Clearly when I'm not their they both do as they please , I'm more mad at him because he's the adult and knows better ... although she's 13 & ive told her a thoiasand times not to let the cats in because she doesn't watch them
    When she lets them in !!!

    She chases the cats around the house to pick them up and cuddle them but they try to hide from her and have decided the cot is the place to hide !!!

    I am so frustrated I'm sat here crying.. he thinks I'm just paranoid ... what happens when I go back to work ? The cats could sleep
    On my baby's face and kill him because they ( more so him ) is not watching his daughter or the cats properly.
     
  11. madsticks

    madsticks Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2014
    Messages:
    240
    Likes Received:
    0
    Aries86 - you're heavily pregnant and your OH should be picking up slack.

    It seems like you're expected to do everything for his daughter when she is there, but he doesn't take an active or equal role in your sons life.

    It's great that you're teaching your son to have responsibilities around the house and how to be an active member of a household. Everyone should have a chore or job and take some form of responsibility for themselves and others within a household. That's how children and teens learn the skills they need to run their own homes when they are older and also learn to pitch in so they aren't the most disliked member of a household if they house share when they first move out.

    I would expect a 13 yr old and a 10 yr old can easily manage doing the dishes or drying up a couple of nights a week. On top of being responsible for their own bedrooms. Not exactly a tall ask. At their ages I would expect it to take some nagging, but there is literally no reason they can't help around the house in a normal situation, the fact you actually need help should encourage them to buck their ideas up for a little while.

    If your husband isn't prepared to actually parent his child and get her to be an active member of the household, then I say anything that his daughter doesn't do becomes his responsibility. You don't need the stress of it. She didn't do tidy up after herself when asked ? Not your problem, ensure your son has done his chores and tell your husband that SD was meant to XYZ, as she hasn't, it's his job now. If he doesn't want to do it, he can pay for you to have a cleaner come in a help whilst you are unable. That won't teach his daughter anything other than if she doesn't do it, someone else will do it for her, but that's his call. You have other things to worry about.

    hugs X X X
     
  12. madsticks

    madsticks Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2014
    Messages:
    240
    Likes Received:
    0
    thehappyhousewife.com/home-management/files/2012/07/Age_Appropriate_Chores_for_Kids_screenshot_2.png
     
    #12 madsticks, Nov 21, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2016
  13. Laura1992

    Laura1992 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2014
    Messages:
    1,092
    Likes Received:
    0
    I would be very unhappy about the cats sleeping in baby's cot. I got angry when my partner put his slippers on a washed baby bed sheet because of contaminating it. Not good. I guess put something over the cot to protect it from the cats for now?
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice