Problems with partner/father of child

[Anna.Femm]

I'm having really awful thoughts lately about breaking up with my partner. Our son is now almost 16 months old and my partner only does dad-things him when it's convenient for him. If it's not convenient, he just won't do it, no matter how exhausted or sleep-deprived I might be.

I've gone from disappointment to disappointment ever since our son was born, and although we've been working on our relationship through couples' counselling in the past 8 months, I still meet a wall with my partner whenever his needs collide with mine or our son's.

When I got pregnant we had only been together for about a year and a half and didn't really think it through because I had been told I'd have a hard time conceiving. It's just devastating to think that I've made a mistake having a child with him. A big part of me feels that I want to break up and another that this would really hurt our son, and that's just something I can't do. I so want my partner to show that he cares more! But no matter how I've asked for it or explained how I feel, he'd still put his own needs over our family's every time it matters.

Has anyone else felt this way? Or even found a way to resolve a similar situation?

 

[Orion]

If that's just the way he is, you can't expect him to change. Some people just put themselves first no matter what. I'm not saying it's right, but waiting for a partner to change a core part of their personality will only bring disappointment.

Either you have to change your expectations, or the situation. So don't expect him to be the dad you want, and accept the dad he is and work around it. Or leave.


Don't feel guilty for staying or leaving as long as it's what you think is best for you and your son. He is young and will adapt to any changes you make. We don't remember much before the ages of 3/4 so he won't remember any of this.

 

[Shepherdess]

Children pick up on emotions which is why its wrong to stay in a relationship you're unhappy with just for your child.

My oh is very selfish, he always has been. Before our Lo came along he always came first, and he would often say yes or no to something without giving me a second thought. I just kind of got used to it. However before we convieved I made it very clear he couldn't be the same once we had a baby.

He has now changed. He's still selfish but he's getting much better. He does put out Lo first but at the same time he puts himself first at the same time. In his mind I look after Lo and he can say to going or doing anything without looking at the calendar or discussing with me and if I'm home alone again that's fine with him. I keep explaining and it is getting through

He'll only change if he wants to, you can't really force it

 

[B81292]

Maybe you need to sit down and spell it all down to him and tell him if he doesn't change explain you'll have no choice but to end it as you can't go on feeling the way you do in your relationship . It could be a shock to him that you've been feeling this way and that he might loose his family .
Some men are oblivious to the fact they're behaving the way they are and need it spelling out to them - my OH is like this I've had similar problems with him being selfish and rather sit and play on a computer than play with his own daughter . I just keep going over things over and over and he's getting there slowly , mainly because he doesn't want to loose his family unit . But as Shepherdess said he will only change if he really really wants to . Good luck xxx

 

[russellmuscle]

Tbh I dont think it matters how long youv been together before baby or anything a baby is a very emotional thing to try balance a relationship with because there are more peoples needs you have to think about.

Ive been with my babys dad since high school so, 11 year amost. We had jackson 7 years in and were at that time stable and ready for a family. When Jackson came. I was happy for probably the first 6m then I think spending alot of time on my own and always doing everything made me think id be better off alone. We were arguing alot because Ill admit I just shut down after getting no support, spoke to like crap and I ddnt want J in that enviroment. We took a year apart and I focused on me went out, had a ball found out what I liked to so besides parenting, set goals to move and get a fulltime job and I did it. I wanted to prove to myself that whether alone or not I could support us. We always remained close, coparented equally and it really made him step up his game. I think just being in my shoes, working doing nursery runs, babysitting, cleaning he realized. I didnt think hed stick to days but he did take him half the week and helped pay fees not one month missed. We eventually drifted back and are expecting our second. He really stepped up big time, especially when concerning Jackson. I was always scared that I didnt want this whole turmoil to be for nothing which is why I stuck out the year tbh.

Although, I dont think it always has a good ending that way. If I were you I would literally make a pros cons regarding your relationship. Set aside the baby for a minute. Focus on what YOU want. Then secondly how will you cope on your own. Make a plan.

You shouldnt need to stay in a relationship for the baby. If this drags out and you have a horrid break up in the long run then the child could end up more affected as hell be more aware.

I wish you all the best and if its meant to be youll get back. A child is a life long commitment so, if its meant to be it will.

xxxx

 

[Anna.Femm]

Thank you all for your answers! That was a lot of support that I needed. I haven't really spoken about these feelings to anyone else.

I know I'm asking him for a big change and I'm not even sure he sees that me or our son need him sometimes. I'd say the same if someone told me this: a person can't change unless they really want to. It's very hard to admit this to myself though, it feels like I have failed big time if I give up on our relationship...

But anyway, spelling it out to him sounds like a good idea, and I think I'll do that. It always helps being honest in those situations. I just care about him a lot and I really don't want to hurt him and I know that telling him this is going to hurt. But perhaps that's all it takes, like B81292 said. I guess if he doesn't want to change after this, then separating might be the best choice.

On Friday we have another session with the counsellor and today we're going to have a talk. Making a pros and cons list also sounds like a good idea.

Russelmuscle, I love your story. May I ask, how did Jackson react the time you were apart?

 

[babyslog]

Hope things work out for you which ever way it ends up xx

 

[russellmuscle]

Thank you all for your answers! That was a lot of support that I needed. I haven't really spoken about these feelings to anyone else.

I know I'm asking him for a big change and I'm not even sure he sees that me or our son need him sometimes. I'd say the same if someone told me this: a person can't change unless they really want to. It's very hard to admit this to myself though, it feels like I have failed big time if I give up on our relationship...

But anyway, spelling it out to him sounds like a good idea, and I think I'll do that. It always helps being honest in those situations. I just care about him a lot and I really don't want to hurt him and I know that telling him this is going to hurt. But perhaps that's all it takes, like B81292 said. I guess if he doesn't want to change after this, then separating might be the best choice.

On Friday we have another session with the counsellor and today we're going to have a talk. Making a pros and cons list also sounds like a good idea.

Russelmuscle, I love your story. May I ask, how did Jackson react the time you were apart?

Fine, like totally fine... He was 1 so because he seen us 50/50 he couldnt really tell I dont think? Maybe he could but he never would like cry for me or vice versa. Probably once we started spending more time together I noticed he kept saying mummy daddy daddy mummy when we would spend a night hanging ofut and he was genuinely excited to see us together, probably because he got used to us being apart. After ages thinking about it I took the plunge. I was obviously nervous to try again because I didnt think we would get back. When we fell out after a few months he went on holiday with his mates and I decided to go out more, I was seeing another guy but nothing serious and he was never around Jackson.

In the end I had to realize that probably what I wanted and needed was a bit of time but obv we dunno how things pan out so we didnt opt for a break. I was sick of everything tbh. I did everything at home, earned most money, took responsibility of bills, food shops etc and he basically sat back In end the end I totally resented everything. He didnt bother much with Jackson. Work always came first then Id end up spoken to like rubbish and a big row would start.. But until he actually showed me hed changed and I re evaluated what I wanted I was adamant we would never get back. He always held out waiting for me I guess.

Sometimes I wonder why he couldnt have just stepped up first time but also since having my own time Ive learned loads about myself. When we got back together David kept saying I changed things I liked etc and I replied I didnt have a life before I didnt know what I liked. I even died my hair bright pink. My mum thought I was having a crisis but I just needed to make choices for me. I believe we all need to learn some of us wanna learn some dont. I guess if the love he jas for his child wont drive him to make more effort nothing will, and its not fair you worjing away at something you seem to be working st alone.

Please dont worry solely on how baby will take it. Im sure baby will be fine by the sounds of it your his main sitter and will have a better bond as long he has you and if dad wants to see him perfect, if not its nothing you can force. Plus a later break up he might react to very different.

Of course lay it all out with him first. I just know how I felt at the time and played with the idea. Id also stayed because as bad as it sounds I didnt wanna think people thought I was going to habe all these different kids to different dads. Sometimes other peoples opinions drive us to those thoughts. Eventually I realized if. Not happy now with a house and child with him Ill never be.

It hasnt been a quick process for us either. We didnt plan to have a 2nd so soon, but 3m we were dating again if you like and he moved in when I got my new house. He helped me decorate it top to bottom and he just moved in with me. Its been good. I think we understand each other more and he knows I dont fuck about

 

[flexilexi394]

I can completely relate to this.

I had a bit of a messy situation with my DD1 - Basically I was a naughty girl and slept with someone else whilst me and my fiance were on like a weeks "break". Never in a million years would I have thought just that one time would have concieved a baby, but it did.

So my fiance at the time knew that I was naughty and he took that on board along with the pregnancy but agreed no matter what, he would be Daddy.

Well, the day I gave birth, we all instantly knew who's she was. And it wasn't fiance's. But, again, he decided to go on being Daddy (long story with other fella, not on the scene and never has been).

Anyway, he was always distant. He never ever did anything with S when she was born, and of course I took into consideration that maybe he didn't feel bonded etc, but I did everything in my power to make him feel like her Daddy though and through.

Basically, I ended up bringing up my little girl completely alone for a year. He worked full time, then on his days off he was off with friends. I knew our relationship was over at this point sadly, because before the baby we were thick as thieves and did everything together.

So I made the decision to break it off, and he begged and begged me. We then made another go of it, and nothing at all had changed. Later I found out, he had been seeing someone else and when we broke it off again, he got with this other girl full time, who might I add, has a daughter the same bloody age as my own.

I assumed that he would just leave me to it, as he wasn't interested in the baby at all, and I had done it all completely by myself, he never even changed one nappy.

Much to my surprise, he fought and fought to be her dad after he left! Which of course majorly hurt me, because we would never have split up if he had just behaved like that in the first place. S is 5 now, and hes still with that girl, playing happy families at weekends with 2 kids and neither are biologically his.

Sorry to give you my life story, but my point was, I completely know how it feels to have a partner completely uninterested, and a complete disappointment. It is a massively heartbreaking situation, and my god I really really know what heart ache feels like and I know what it feels like to have a broken heart after all that, utterly devastating.

I hope you can come to an agreement, or resolve it, it is a very very tricky situation and I really wouldn't wish it upon anyone else.

Not sure I gave any advice at all there, just pure empathy really xxx