PM appt. has arrived

[p1nk11]

Yesturday evening I got the phonecall I've been waiting for now I'm terrified & dont know wot to do. The results of my baby's post mortem are finally back (its been nearly 9 weeks) & we have to go the hospital on the 27th to discuss them with the consultant. I've wanted these for soo long to try & give me some answers about why she was taken from us & now I'm terried of wot they are going to say.

I cried for hrs last night but my OH doesnt understand why & I cant explain it to him. I'm scared they are going to tell me its my fault, that I did something wrong. I did everything they told me, I followed all the 'rules'- didnt eat wot they say not to, followed all the advice they gave me but wot if I forgot something? I have always blamed myself for her death as I carried her & should of kept her safe - protected her, but I couldnt even do that. Deep down I think my OH feels its my fault to - though he has never said or implied that he thinks this, how can he not? Secretly I'm really worried that if it was my fault that he will never forgive me & I'll lose him to - I've never told him this even though I've been worried about it for wks.

This is going to be one of the longest wks ever. I'm trying to take my mind of it but nothing seems to help.

 

[karenandbump]

Oh sweetheart. This must be a really upsetting and worrying appointment for u but please,lease stop blaming urself. I'm not a doctor but I am pretty sure that it won't be anything u did and I'm also sure ur OH isn't blaming u one little bit. We're all here to support you as best we can - keep talking to us and we'll help you through it x x x

 

[lea554]

Im so sorry for what you have been through, and what you will continue to go through for quite some time.
Please dont blame yourself - I doubt very much they will tell you that its something that you have done/havent done. If anything, knowing the results may bring to you a sense of closure, and a sense of relief that you know what happened.
I cant imagine what you have been through, and it wont get any easier any time soon - but keep talking, to us, your OH, and you will get through this.....
Good luck for next week hun xxxx

 

[Binzy]

You can't blame yourself for what happened or you'll never be able to move on. The drs aren't going to point their fingers at you I'm sure. I completely understand why you're afraid, anyone would be.
Take care of yourself. xx

 

[cosmicgirl]

As above really, so so sorry, you will be in my thoughts xx

 

[XHopefulX]

Thinking of you hun but just try to remember that it isn't your fault, and I am sure your OH doesn't blame you as he is still grieving too x Hugs x

 

[heartbroken]

Bigfor tomorrow hun.. Thinking of u & oh x

 

[Sam's Mum]

Thinking of you, and as everyone else has said please don't blame yourself - the doctors aren't going to tell you that it's something you did or didn't do
Look after yourself x x x

 

[Laura_C]

I've only just read your post, good luck for tomorrow sweetheart. I feel the same things darling, feel as though I should have kept him safe and I wasn't able to my husband also feels like he is in some way responsible, how we torture ourselves. I was even more careful with this pregnancy due to my miscarriage in March, I was neurotic about it all going wrong so I played it very safe and it still went wrong. I was so naive when I was pregnant with my daughter, didnt worry half as much and she was just perfect. We are still waiting to see our doc too, I have to all again tomorrow to set up an appt. It may help you to have some answers, but we were warned that they can't always find one and were advised that a PM may not provide us with that. He did have lots of tests for the 2 days he was with us. That's what were waiting for, also my results. I assume they are all clear as they don't seem bothered about having a follow up!!

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, I hope it goes as well as it can do. I am sure Ethan and Ava are playing together with all the other beautiful angels watching over us mummy's, just remember she is your little guardian angel and she will give you the strength you need to get through tomorrow xxx ((((((big hugs))))))

 

[Mummy2Adam]

Thinking of you today hunny, massive x x

 

[Kezzamunster]

My thought are with you
xxx

 

[cosmicgirl]

Thinking of you hunni xx

 

[midnight]

oh hunnie please dont blame yourself and talk to your dh im sure he wont blame you either and he is proberly just as lost and confused as you, i will be thinking of you today xx

 

[Vickyxx]

Stay strong today sweetie, thinking of you x x x

 

[XHopefulX]

Thinking of you today x

 

[yorksmummy]

Hoping today has given you some answers and peace of mind. x x

 

[Laura_C]

Been thinking of you all day lovely, I hope this appointment has helped in some way xxxx

 

[p1nk11]

Thank you all for your kind messages

Been feeling really down since appt as I didnt get any answers & feel numb again.

All the test they did on Ava came back normal she was a perfect baby with absolutely nothing wrong with her, there was nothing wrong with the placenta, all the tests they did on me came back normal, neither of us had any infection anywhere so they are unable to tell me why she died. All they have said is that she obviously wasnt feeling well so was conserving energy (which is what i picked up & went to the hospital as she wasnt kicking ) & wasnt strong enough to make the transition through the emergency c section. How can they tell me I had perfect baby with nothing wrong with her & she just died!!!!!!! Im happy that she was ok & that there wasnt anything wrong but it also makes it seem much crueler now, at least if they could of told me why I might of been able to accept that there was a reason for it. I was diagnosed with very mild cholestasis at 29wks & was given medication & regular monitoring of her heart ect but they dont think this caused it either, even though it has been linked with stillbirths.

They have said that in my next pregnancy I will be consultant led care from the start & have regular scans & blood tests ect but how will this help if they dont know what they are looking out for!! They also said that should i get cholestasis again no matter how mild they will sit down with us & discuss the possiblity of getting the baby out early to prevent it happening again, which is good to know as Im terrified of the same thing happening again, but it means Id have to choose between waiting & praying it doesnt happen again or have the baby early & have the risk of it getting an infection ect - how would i cope if i made the decision & the baby didnt make it

How can I accept it as 'one of those things' or 'just wasnt ment to be' its so unfair. I guess I was hoping they would give me a definate answer so I could get angry at something or blame something. My head is now full of more questions than it was before

 

[Princess81]

sorry you didn't get any answers sweetie. Dont know what else to say xxx

 

[Sam's Mum]

I'm so sorry they weren't able to give you any answers x