Please tell me things will get better soon!

[Dotty_woman]

For those of you that don't know me I have been married to my OH for 24 years and we have 3 children 17,14 & 17 months. We have an ok relationship but we are not very "lovey dovey". I know that my OH loves me but I always feel like he is having a go at me. My OH works freelance and had taken some time off since the end of January in which time he has been looking after our daughter most days except Wednesday (which is my day off) and some Thursday's when my mum has taken her out. Our daughter is a very good baby and hasn't been much hassle at all but she seems to now be a real daddy's girl. I know I had 7 months off when she was born but that was the difficult bit. I was exclusively bready feeding and my OH hardly ever got up with her. I've just been through a very emotional phase of wanting another baby (which is probably ridiculous as i am now 44) but I have how reached a real low. Our physical relationship is almost non-existent and we hardly ever socialise any more. He doesn't have any close male friends he goes out with on a regular basis and I have only one friend I ever do anything with and she is one of my neighbours. I'm finding it really difficulty to cram in the hours I need (I work in I.T.) and took a 20% and childcare costs also come out of my wage now. It's been rarely 7pm when I've been getting home on a night and the house is a tip. Yes I know my sons have a duty to keep their own spaces tidy but I just can't deal with all the mess! To cap it all we're in the process of replacing our kitchen and there's stuff everywhere. I've sorted out everything despite it being me that is actually working at the moment. My OH earns significantly more than me although I do not earn a bad wage. However I have to have a job "in case he's unable to get work for a few months". I get our daughter up on a Tuesday and Friday for nursery including at the moment when he's off work so he's been able to get up at his leisure for the last 3 months on a Tuesday and Friday. I' m just reaching breaking point now as I constantly feel like a second class citizen and niw that he has had to spend as bit more time with her she's being more clingy with him. I feel reAlly resentful as I did the hard work on the early months and now he's reaping all the benefit now she's a bit older. She is a lovely baby and that is part of the reason that I suddenly felt the need to try for another. However I found this really hard to discuss with my OH and ended up writing a letter to him explaining how I felt. He responded after a tortuous couple of weeks saying that we were too old and so many things could go wrong etc etc and since then we have hardly DTD. I've felt sad when we have knowing that it is a waste of effort and this has brought me to tears on a number of occasions. Niw I just don't feel attractive anymore and am very aware of all my wrinkles and imperfections. To cap it all I went to the hairdressers this week (we both go to the same one) and she knew I wanted another baby although I had had such a difficulty discussing it with him. I feel like I'm falling apart. I hate my job but hey ho, someone had to do almost full time job whilst he twiddles his thumbs "chilling" for a few months. Please tell me I will feel better soon. I'm feeling so resentful at the moment and alone. xxx

 

[MrsS143]

Dont be resentful dotty
Itll eat you and make you even more miserable
Taking the baby out of the equation the rest will sort itself in time
Tell him no more lie ins. If you cant get one neither can he
Tell him its his job to keep the house tidy. Youd do it if it were the other way around!
The kitchen won't help with the mess but that won't last forever either

You are 44
You will have wrinkles lol
Your stressed which ages you too
You need to both work equally and have time for yourselves

Him not having friends is hos choice
Not everyone goes out often
And you having just the one doesnt matter
Violets young. Youre bound to not have time atm to do much
Another baby would compound that problem
Hes probably not wanting to change things. Babies are hard work and expensive. The next baby might not be easy and may favour him again then which youd just resent him more

Fix what's bothering you first
Get back on track
A good mood in you both... you never know what it might do to how youre feeling now x

 

[Dotty_woman]

Thank you for taking out time to read my ramblings and your suggestions. Lack of sleep this past week has made things a lot worse than normal but this isn't baby related. I'm just waking up at silly o'clock and not being able to get back to sleep. Dreading going back to work next week though. Back to the daily grind. xxx

 

[MrsG81]

(((hugs)))

Do you two ever get a chance to do things just the two of you? Even just a meal out at a restaurant or something?

To me, it sounds like the daily grind and your husbands refusal to help is getting to you. Life can be stressful with work and children, but usually as long as you can see your husband is working equally hard and you both get a bit of adult time, then you can cope.

With regards to the lie ins and things like that, I would not be accepting that. It doesn't matter how much he earns, he is not working at the moment so he should be doing more around the house to help take some pressure off of you. If he says you must keep working full time, then when he is working the house and taking care of the children needs to be 50/50. Of course you will feel resentful if he isn't pulling his weight, there is only so much you can do!

With regards to another baby, it's something that you both need to be on board with. I know how difficult it can be to talk about things when it's something so important and emotional for you. Maybe you could just both say that you will agree not to talk about it for say 3months, and then re-visit it to see how you both feel then? 3 months without worrying about pregnancy would maybe be enough to get your physical relationship back on track. Just to make love for the enjoyment of making love so you can both enjoy that closeness again.

Best of luck sweetie, I wish you all the luck in the world x

 

[Dotty_woman]

Thank you for listening. Maybe things won't be so bad once the kitchen is sorted. It really is mayhem. Electrician is coming on Friday so hopefully installation of cupboards can start early next week once plasterer has been. It's my day off tomorrow so will get a bit of a break from work. AF has just finished so maybe chance for a bit of action? xxx

 

[OMGbabyno3]

Ah, as the others have said really.

Sleep deprivation makes everything 100 times worse, as does living in a mess. Our house is a tip too and it gets yiu down. It's just daily stuff like kids shoes and bags and toys then dinner. But it's the same crap to pick up every day and sometimes you just can't be bothered.

It used to really annoy me when dd1 was a daddy's girl, and she still it at times. He is not hands on so I couldn't understand it. Now, I like that they have a tight bond. Just wish it was tight enough for her to want him to tuck her in sometimes!

I think waiting a while tk re-visit another baby is a good idea, ease the pressure a bit.

Good luck, and yes. I'm sure it'll get better soon xx