PLEASE HELP- i cant do this im messing it up too *UPDATED*

[trixipaws]

im talking about controlled crying. im just finding it too hard and tonite i think iv made things worse

first of all i cant wait all of 5 mins before going in to her i probably cave in less than 3 mins

and the going in but NOT picking her up, rubbing her tummy instead i find just impossible

just now i did quite well she was crying and it was a half-assed cry, plus she'd been fed recently we knew theres nothing wrong with her, so left her for 5 mins then i went to stroke her tummy. but i could see her little face all distressed and her arms were outstretched to me- gosh it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard and i left the room and after less than one minute i had to go back in, i tried stroking her tummy again but i just couldnt take it i couldnt resist scooping her up and cuddling her

so iv let her cry for them 5 minutes for NOTHING

and iv just taught her that if she cries long enough and keeps crying she'll get what she wants

and my boyf thinks im too soft with her and as hes working and im not its my job to stop her being like this and ending up a brat when shes older and its putting a strain on our relationship

HELP!

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Your not being a bad mum let her cry, and loving your daughter too much is all the better for her and you.

I did it, we all did it. It takes time, if your a meanie like me it tooka week, but me and my oh did it with her and she did roar!

Just take it one step at a time bath,boob bed at same time every night - its the only way your going to claw some time for you and your partner.

Your teaching her to be more patiant as well and not to be a brat. Have you got something hat she likes to take to bed - a nightlight, teddy? dummy? try everything and youl soon find what she responds too, imogen loves her blue eyeore and her special nightlight on xxxxx

 

[Krystal]

hun she's not gonna be a brat at all.. she'll turn out just fine. Its not easy to get them to sleep on their own and not surprised you feel bad. I didnt do this but seen someone else who posted... they give baby last feed then got OH to put her to bed and go back in to check on her every 5 then 10 mins etc (OH obviously meaner than us girls) whilst her OH did this she took herself out for a walk to shops or anything so she didnt have to hear baby crying.. after couple of nights it worked? maybe worth a try

 

[MissThing]

I never was a fan of controlled crying. Babies till 1 year cant manipulate you yet. If she cryies, it means something. It is natural instinct for a mother to calm her baby and that is what you are doing And I heard, that it is proven, that babies whos mums are more sensitive to their crying (not allowing them to) have better communications skills in later life and generally are more calmer

 

[Rosieroo]

I never was a fan of controlled crying. Babies till 1 year cant manipulate you yet. If she cryies, it means something. It is natural instinct for a mother to calm her baby and that is what you are doing And I heard, that it is proven, that babies whos mums are more sensitive to their crying (not allowing them to) have better communications skills in later life and generally are more calmer

Thank god, someone speaking some sense!!

 

[moomoo192]

Trixiepaws, i feel for you, i really do.

I'm hoping telling you this will make you feel better, we're going thru something more or less the same as you at the moment...except...wait for it... our dd is 9!!! yes 9

We were soft from the start, co-slept, she played with my hair to get to sleep, used to lie with a bottle, oooh so many mistakes were made back then but its what suited us at the time and didn't realise till later that we were doing so much wrong at the same time, but we've learnt the hard way.

There has been times she has gone to bed good, in her own room, slept thru on the odd occasion etc but then it just reverts back to the usual wanting to sleep with us etc, it just got to the point we couldn't keep going on the way we were.

There are other issues going on too, which we are seeing the doctor about etc but the main thing at the mo is the sleep thing. We've got an app for her to see a specialist this week and also been working with a behavourist from school who has put together a sleep plan for us. Its hard, as i hate routine but have been sticking to it, well best we can, we had to adapt it to suit us cause of our other two.

Basically she said some kids thrive on routine, others aren't bothered by it but kirsty (dd) is one that NEEDS routine so we have tea, bath time, family time bed/story time etc. at lights out if she starts or comes out of her room we go back to her, guide her back to bed and say its sleep time now, go to bed, 2nd time we just have to say sleep time and ut back to bed anything after that we have to totally ignore and not give eye contact but still put ack to bed...bear in mind this is a very strong willed, solid 9 yr old girl! she physically goes mad at times, hitting/screaming/biting/banging walls/ slamming doors etc etc, my dh has to physically put her in her room while she is fighting him, holding onto door frames etc anything NOT to let him get her back to her room, its the hardest thing watching them go thru this sometimes, i hate it but have seen an improvement so know its starting to work, it just feels like one step forward two steps back.

Our 2nd chil, well he is gr8, goes to bed good, sleeps thru, no prob, even if he's ill and gets in bed with us within an hour he wants his own bed back. son number 3 is only 2 but i can see him going the same way as kirsty, we've got him in his own bed and was doing the same routine with him, 2 nights later he was staying iin bed, not crying etc but then kirsty decides she's got a new plan and is gonna wake him up so he is up some nights from 12ish, 2ish etc for a couple of hours so his routine has gone to pot, we want to get kirsty sorted b4 we tackle ben at the mo but i#ve got 7/8 weeks left b4 the next one is due and am so desperate to get things sorted.

I'm sorry this was so long but i just wanted to give you a bit of encouragement to keep up the good work you're doing, its so hard and so tru that men can deal with it better than us women, they manage to see past the crying where its just makes us want to crumple big time.

When you're having a bad time of things, think about me, ask yourself do you really want to be doing this with an older child who is more strong willed and will hurt your feeling more? You're doing really well. keep up the good work, it will work out for you and you will reap the rewards but give in and it'll be harder next time.

Do you have a routine at night like bath, bed, story etc? if you haven't i'd say give it a try, defo helped my youngest.

keep me informed how you get on

xxxx

 

[beanie]

TBH if it making you unhappy and is making Millie unhappy I would have to ask why do you want to stick with it??I know I am not very neutral when it comes to CC, but I really wouldn't do it if it is soupsetting. There is no evidence to say if your baby doesn't have CC they will grow up a brat. There is no way on earth you can spoil a child under the age of 1, what you are doing by responding to her cries is actually shown to be more beneficial. Follow your heart, you won't go far wrong

If you do want to carry on with CC (and personally I would not do it with a child under the age of 8 months as they have no idea of object permanence) perhaps look at other methods. I highly recommend Elizabeth Pantly "no cry sleep solution". She is amazing and I got great results followingn her advice. I now have a child that sleeps through the night despite me "spoiling" her by going to her when she cried and letting her sleepin our bed whenever she wants to (about once a month if she is ill)

 

[mamichuli]

Oh dear I am afraid you are getting mixed messages here...
I am somewhere in the middle here. With my eldest daughter I had problems with getting her to sleep thru because I went to her every time she breathed too loud/quietly, coughed, turned over in bed, sniffed, etc. With my youngest, I and OH from about three months have always let her cry for a few mins before going in to her, not because we want to be mean, but because we have three kids, and two full-time jobs, and wether we like it or not, LO is going to have to work out that she cant get what she wants all the time. I dont know if as a result of this attitude, but Ani sleeps thru from nine PM to six/seven AM every night. I have to honestly say that I think you CAN spoil a babe where this is concerned before the age of one, because they are bright little sparks and soon work out how to get what they want! So, based on my experience (and on articles I have read) I have to say "to be cruel to be kind", but dont think you are a bad mum for feeling rotten - you are not. All of us have been thru this, when Ani cries sometimes at night OH just has to hold me tight and whisper to me to not worry, she's ok, lets wait a few mins, etc! (here i thought it was the baby that wanted a cuddle)
On the other hand, maybe talk to your OH about helping you thru with POSITIVE encouragement (hugging you, when she cries, etc) rather than criticism, might help to improve your time together.


Lisa

 

[Sammystar]

Oh dear I am afraid you are getting mixed messages here...
I am somewhere in the middle here. With my eldest daughter I had problems with getting her to sleep thru because I went to her every time she breathed too loud/quietly, coughed, turned over in bed, sniffed, etc. With my youngest, I and OH from about three months have always let her cry for a few mins before going in to her, not because we want to be mean, but because we have three kids, and two full-time jobs, and wether we like it or not, LO is going to have to work out that she cant get what she wants all the time. I dont know if as a result of this attitude, but Ani sleeps thru from nine PM to six/seven AM every night. I have to honestly say that I think you CAN spoil a babe where this is concerned before the age of one, because they are bright little sparks and soon work out how to get what they want! So, based on my experience (and on articles I have read) I have to say "to be cruel to be kind", but dont think you are a bad mum for feeling rotten - you are not. All of us have been thru this, when Ani cries sometimes at night OH just has to hold me tight and whisper to me to not worry, she's ok, lets wait a few mins, etc! (here i thought it was the baby that wanted a cuddle)
On the other hand, maybe talk to your OH about helping you thru with POSITIVE encouragement (hugging you, when she cries, etc) rather than criticism, might help to improve your time together.


Lisa

This is a great reply and I have to say I agree. You'll always get people who say you MUST do controlled crying, and others who say you shouldn't.
At the end of the day, only YOU know what's best for your baby, and even though Millie is your first and you're on a steep learning curve, you will soon learn that YOUR instincts as her mother are RIGHT.

Babies do learn that if they cry for long enough they get what they want, but that doesn't mean they'll all turn into brats if you pick them up every time they cry.
You seem pretty clear in your mind what you want to do. You know she's not crying because she's hungry, cold, needs a nappy change etc. So she wants attention, and you 'gave in' and picked her up. That's OK; so don't beat yourself up about it. Just keep trying and ask your OH for more support. Follow your own instincts, and you'll get there in the end.

I have to admit that with Sam, I was getting up four or five times a night right up until last week when we moved house and he went into his own room. We actually went cold turkey with him. It was hard for me, but I knew that he was OK, and I knew he must to learn to settle himself soon, or we'd end up making a rod for our backs.
He shouted for three nights on and off, and now he's sleeping through from 7pm to 7am, and everybody in our house is SO much happier, including Sam.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

I want too add that Im not saying YOU HAVE TO DO IT bu if you want you evenings back.....

Good luck, I hope she will settle for you soon and you can have a life!!!

 

[Rosieroo]

You don't have to let your baby cry itself to sleep in order to get your life back and I think it's unfair to imply that Trixi has to in order for Millie to sleep.
I haven't done controlled crying with either of mine and they've settled fine. DS has taken longer to sleep through than DD did, but both have gotten into their own routine and I'm very happy that we didn't go down the CC route in order for that to happen. DS is nearly 9 months and has started sleeping through of his own accord (7.15pm-6.15am). He might not have been doing it at 8 weeks like his sister, but he got there. Some babies just take a little longer.

 

[MissThing]

I absolutely agree with Kina. I never let Daniel cry for long (except when I gone to the shower and he started while I was there). He is 12 weeks on Thursday and he has been sleeping trought the night with just one dreamfeed since about 8 weeks. (And I am talking from 7pm till 6.30, 7 am). As I said, If your baby cryies, it means something. Even if she just wants a cuddle or a kiss or being stroked. It is the same as with us. I would feel terrible, if I would ask my DH to kiss me, and then again and then again but he would just keep quiet. I am pretty sure with babies its the same. It is thought, that they get used to cry to get what they want, even if it is like that, babies dont want much - feed, nappy change, cuddle etc. Or they are just tired and need to be put to sleep. So why do let them cry?

I am more into gettig them tired in the evening by playing with them. When Daniel had troubles sleeping, I kept him awake from 5 mp till about 9 pm. (Lots of playing, bouncing, eating, bath) And it worked. He started to sleep. Maybe, with older baby it would be worth to do more activities during the day? Walking on the resh air, and there are baby swimming classes, which usually happen in the afternoon? Try really to tire her out.

But the most importaint thing is-do what your instinct tells you to!

 

[Nicky_Jones]

Trixi when your LO isn't settling / going to sleep do you follow these rules after bed time:

No talking
No taking her out of the room
Don't turn the light on (I use the light from the corridor)
No eye contact (at least minimise it)

I have a couch in her room so that I can lie with her if necessary to allow her to calm and fall asleep.

If you are not doing these they may help.

 

[Squiglet]

Trixi when your LO isn't settling / going to sleep do you follow these rules after bed time:

No talking
No taking her out of the room
Don't turn the light on (I use the light from the corridor)
No eye contact (at least minimise it)

I have a couch in her room so that I can lie with her if necessary to allow her to calm and fall asleep.

If you are not doing these they may help.

this is what i was told to do at the sleep clinic when I had Tia... and I'm sorry but babies under a year old can manipulate you... they go on action and results.. I cry.. mummy picks me up.. and I want to be picked up... ergo I cry. Also babies cry because they are tired and overstimulated... and constantly going in and picking them up, doesn't make it any better.. it's a bit like when we get grumpy and snappy because we are tired, but at least we can verbally express this... babies cant so they cry.

At the sleep clinic... i was told that you do the bed time routine, put them to bed and then sit next to their cot. You do this for a few days until they fall asleep, you don't talk to them, you don't look at them, you don't pick them up... then you slowly move the seat further away from the cot... still in their eye line.. then you put them to bed, leave the room and let them cry, if they do.. only returning to settle them, but without making eye contact or noise or speaking to them.

Tia learned to settle really well at night, i.e. I'd put her into her bed and she would stay there and go to sleep (only with the door open, nightlight on and music playing... but go to sleep non the less)... but it didn't help her sleep through and was up at least once or twice a nice right up until she was about 6 ish... when basically DH kicked her out of the bed...

There does seem to be a lot of confusion over why you use controlled crying. But for me it was about establishing rules and bed time routines, not getting her to sleep the night. each baby is different... either you have a good sleeper or you don't and Tia is still a poor sleeper.

Unfortunately we can all remember our parents telling us it's time for bed and us throwing a wobbly about it, but we still HAD to go to bed. How we enforce this on our own children is our own choice... but children need bed times... they do need to be put to bed and understand that NO they can't cry and get up and mess around... and the earlier you put this strategy into play the better...

Tbh Trixi... I think if you are having problems putting millie to bed then walking out and leaving her to cry... and you end up going back to her... then controlled crying is not a good strategy for you... and you will only teach millie that she can cry long enough to get you to come back... and both you and millie will get stressed and upset by the whole thing.

Try putting her to bed, but not leaving, just hold her hand, sit by her cot and ignore her... She might understand that better... then slowly move away little by little, until you leave the room. You're trying to teach her bedtime, means bedtime rather than mummy's leaving you alone...

 

[trixipaws]

thanx for all ur replies, ladies.

apologies to squiglet, and anyone else whose confused why im trying controlled crying- i wrote the post assuming that everyone who read it has also read all of my 5293 posts ( ) and doesnt need the explanation- hehe sorry!

the reason im doing it is because i DID hav a good little sleeper (going down at 7pm, waking at 3am for milk then down again 'til 8am!)- until she was 4 months old. but then she started waking more frequently for milk- up to 6 times in evening and 5 times at nite (so 11 in total)!
we thought she needed weaning but it didnt help, we (me, boyf, HV) concluded that it was just attention that she wanted, therefore we're trying the C.C.

anyway... guess what?? we have improvement!!!

last nite 2 or 3 hours after her bedtime we heard crying on the baby monitor. it was not a proper cry, she kept stopping, tailing off, then starting up again (still heart-breaking to listen to tho! ) and i had my head buried in my boyfs chest and he was hugging me coz i couldnt take it! after 5 minutes (felt like hours lol!) i told him to go stroke her tummy (i knew i couldnt go in and not pick her up!) so he was just about to go when she stopped crying!! and she didnt wake up until she wanted milk which was after we'd gone to bed!!


and 2nite so far she hasnt cried at all!!

yay hope the improvement continues and she starts sleeping thru (she did wake 3 times last nite)

 

[Sammystar]

Clever little Millie!

She's learning......!!

Well done!

 

[Squiglet]

That's what you want..

 

[mamichuli]

Yay good for you hun! It will probably take a while for the whole thing to take off, there will be bad nites, but just concentrate on the improvements - and think about that when she does cry... at least now you have something positive to help you thru

You should be soo proud of yourself!


Lisa

 

[mummykay]

very good, glad she is learning

 

[trixipaws]

yay! no waking in evenings any more! this is 3 nites now. she did wake me 3 times in nite (cant do C.C. at nite coz boys got to be up for work)
but its improvement on over 10 times!