Please help! I am so upset. (long post!)

Discussion in 'Baby & Toddler' started by Jellybeanjen, May 25, 2013.

  1. Jellybeanjen

    Jellybeanjen Well-Known Member

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    I have a question. I keep crying all the time and realised I actually kinda...dread feeding my baby :(. I feel so bad as a mum should never feel like this at all which makes my crying worse as I feel abnormal. At first I thought I was just scared to hold her but now I think it's when se starts looking to be fed when I'm holding her as OH will hand me her bottle to feed her not thinking I get so upset about it ofcourse. I was thinking how and when these feelings occurred and I initially wanted to breast feed...unfortunately she didn't latch so I expressed colostrum an gave that to her when I first finally got to hold her after complicated birth. Then had to have transfusions and she was in neo natal and I said it would be best with bottles as I was so weak to do anything. Anyway...next day I managed to express more colostrum and gave that. And fed her with bottles rest of the day. That night she and I were fine...I was really happy and although scared and didnt want to hold her at first...I settled with her and it was just me and her on the ward then a nice girl came in and made really good friends with her AC I was real happy with myself surviving the night looking after my baby. Next night...she was screaming the place down and my new found friend had gone and was full ward of new people that I didn't really get on with...most were bitchy or didn't really know what to talk about. Anyway, my daughter kept screaming and woke up the other babies and someone kept tutting about it which made me feel bad. I couldnt move due to stitches so had my buzzer to call midwife to get her up for me. So she did and said "oh she needs changing" so she done that and made a remark about "nappy is too tight" so I was like...no its not it's a size 2!! And she comes back with a size 1 which I already told her they leak and are too tight! And she changes her. (in the end my point was proven after the size 1 nappy leaked)...anyway, still made me feel bad. Then she picked her up and said "oooh has mummy not winded you properly...she has probably been too gentle" so again, made me feel terrible as my baby was obviously screaming and very unhappy and I didn't like it being my fault :(. So she takes her off to settle her in the hallway reception but didn't work...she came back to tell me that I have probably over fed her and she now has a tummy ache...do by this time I feel like a monster. She couldn't settle my baby so she have her to me and I settled her on my chest and stayed up with her all night!! Next morning the tutting lady told me "ooo your baby wasn't happy was she! Kept mine up and woke all ours up" so again, felt like a terrible mum. Ever since then...I have become increasingly more paranoid that I'm gonna give her a tummy ache or not wind her well or make her sick or if she chokes that now I dread feeding her!! It's scaring me!
    Also, I really wanted to BF and didn't an tried expressing more at home but were I have been so weak and sleeping I have not really been keeping it consistent and now my milk flow is next to nothing. I just don't want my midwife making me feel worse saying "oh but Breast is best" and stuff and really tipping me over the edge. I cry because my boobs aren't swollen at all with any milk :( :( so its like my mind or my body doesn't want to feed my baby and I feel awful about it. Actually crying my eyes out! I don't know what todo??


    Tapatalking so I can't see sigs x
     
  2. AmyQ

    AmyQ Well-Known Member

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    Sending you a big hug.

    Unfortunately some post natal wards are like this. Once you get home and into a "routine" it will be easier. I had to have a breakdown before I was taken seriously - within an hour I was in a private room and given support. Wish I'd done it sooner!

    Keep your chin up and make a fuss until someone listens xx
     
  3. tweetyfoo

    tweetyfoo Well-Known Member

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    Hun, please try not to worry, this sounds like baby blues.

    Whatever way you decide to feed your baby is up to you, and whatever you decide is best, is best for you and your baby in your situation.

    You could probably get your milk back again, but it will be a lot of hard work, and I don't know if that will just make things harder on you.

    Have a great big hug :hug: and try not to worry.
     
  4. Mrs Wibbily

    Mrs Wibbily Well-Known Member

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    Hey lovey

    How old is your baby?

    I had a very traumatic delivery and birth, requiring a blood transfusion too. It took ages for my milk to come in I think 4 days.

    Are you wanting to breast feed your baby or are you happy to bottle?

    You need lots of TLC and sleep to aid your recovery. Do you have a good network of support? xxx
     
  5. tambo1976

    tambo1976 Well-Known Member

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    Honestly some people need to re evaluate their bloody jobs! Please don't let ANYONE put you down, you are a fantastic Mummy who has just suffered a traumatic birth and people need to be more sensitive! If BF doesn't work out then so be it, yes it's best but blimey! millions of babies are bought up just fine on formula (3 of my own included). If you do have to go onto formula then it's really no biggie honestly. It certainly doesn't mean you are any less of a Mummy than anyone else nor is it your fault at all.

    Is there not a BF consultant you can talk to? a BF support group? I would ring your MW or HV and ask, all may not be lost if you still want to try and BF. However if your milk supply has gone and you do go onto formula then it just doesn't matter! It's awful that you feel so down that you dread feeding her, it should be your special bonding time, regardless of what milk she drinks. I still bonded fine with my 3 bottle fed babies. Even though you suffered a traumatic birth and your beautiful girl was in special care you still managed to give her your colostrum which is something to be very proud of.

    It's times like this I wish I could climb through the screen and give you a big hug. Chin up hun, whatever you decide to do is the right choice and won't stop you adoring your baby girl :hug: xxx
     
    #5 tambo1976, May 25, 2013
    Last edited: May 25, 2013
  6. Chezza

    Chezza Well-Known Member

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    Oh Jen, you poor thing! First of all - please believe me when I say you are NOT a bad mum...a bad mum wouldn't care so much for starters!

    So sorry that there was a nurse who couldn't empathise with your situation in the hospital - I think some of the medical profession can forget how sensitive and emotional brand new mums can be. We don't really know what we are doing to begin with...there isn't a manual to turn to...we are pretty much trying to guess what we are supposed to and of course with that comes the possibility of making mistakes - which we all do - it's natural!

    Try and put the other silly woman you met in the hospital out of your mind. Im not wasting any other words on her!

    I was told both in hospital and by my HV that you cannot overfeed a newborn. They will feed as long as they are hungry for and when they are no longer hungry, they will stop. I of course do not know how true this is - but it does make sense! All you need to do is spend a long time winding your LO - keep changing the position they are in and keep going until there are no little burps left inside them.

    I originally wanted to combi feed - but with expressing - unfortunately when J was 5 days old, my milk basically dried up and I felt like a bit of a failure and shed quite a few tears. But I just had to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't meant to be and we now exclusively bottle feed - J loves it, we love it and it works for us.

    One thing I have learnt is that sleep deprivation can do awful things to a person...do you feel you need more rest / more sleep? Is your other half helping out as much as he can?

    As for "breast is best"...well, this may or may not be true, who knows? Just make sure you tell your MW how emotional you are feeling and what you are going through - she will hopefully be able to see that you don't need a lecture of any sort and that you just need support!

    Don't forget us ladies are always here too :hugs: xxxxxx
     
  7. tambo1976

    tambo1976 Well-Known Member

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    Also, I my son wouldn't latch (he latched yesterday for the first time and he is 3 weeks old!) and I was given a double pump to use by my HV. Double pumping really got my milk flowing from virtually nothing to at least 4 oz per pumping session. So if you do speak to someone about trying to continue BF then ask about hiring a pump to kick start your production xxx
     
  8. kat1988

    kat1988 Well-Known Member

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    firstly :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

    u are not a bad mum! that woman in the hospital was obviously a dick for making u feel this way! and I know what u mean about the crying my lo did this the 2nd night we were in hospital waking up all the other mums and babies and tere was nothing I could do it was just colic, the midwives couldn't settle her either. it's embarrassing but it's not you're fault!

    with your milk flow I'm pretty sure u can increase this given time, I'm not the person to give u advice here tho as I bottle feed, look for an nct/lactation consultant/breastfeeding group near u, or ask in the breastfeeding section here, even if u combi feed or bottle feed that doesn't make u bad mum either, i originally wanted to bf but these things don't always work out the way we plan, the most important thing is that your baby is fed.
    I'd Definately talk to your midwife/hv/gp about the way you're feeling, there's no good reason to be scarred of your baby and they can help u through this (unless you're baby is freakishly strong and can weld an axe, that's probably a good reason to fear the little angel!)

    give yourself a break! being a new mum is hard work, and it sounds like u had a pretty traumatic birth as well, we're all learning as long as you're baby is fed, clean, warm and loved u are doing a brilliant job!

    xxxxx
     
  9. diane

    diane Well-Known Member

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    You are not a bad mummy! Please don't think so, the very fact you have all these worries show that you are not a bad mummy!

    I too had a horrible afterbirth with a double transfusion and I couldn't feed my baby even with a bottle for a week. My husband did everything for her whilst we were in hospital. I won't lie, it took me a while to get bonded to her and I cried and cried and cried cos I didn't wanna be near her and it wasnt what I believed motherhood would be. But I believe this was a combination of the trauma along with the baby blues which are completely normal hun xxx

    I too don't believe you can overfeed a baby. She will take what she needs and if she has too much she will be sick. I used to give my daughter a few oz at a time then wind her, then a few more etc... Also wind her over my shoulder. And I gave her infacol until she was diagnosed with silent reflux.

    Please know that you're not a bad mum at all and this will pass hun xxx
     
  10. Jellybeanjen

    Jellybeanjen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you girls so much! I don't know what I'd do without you lot!
    I already feel better actually writing it all out and am gonna show my OH so he knows why I keep getting upset. He has been so fantastic and always telling me to go for sleep and stuff. I am happy bottle feeding as she is full and she I happy and we have strayed a routine and Greg an feed her and bond with her but it's more there disappointment in my body really. It's meant to do something and feel a bit of a failure. But as you say, as long as she is fed and is happy with her bottle then it's all ok. Just need some getting used to all this. She is a week old today and only been home for 4 whole days. I do feed her but I just get so anxious about it like what if I'm doing it wrong or if she gets wind or if she is eating too much or too little or if she's sick on it etc.
    I thought my pregnancy anxiety and worries would go now having her out safely but turns out more worries happen when they are out. I will defo speak to HV when I see her as I don't want anything to go un noticed and I know my OH (Greg) will support me 100% xxx


    Tapatalking so I can't see sigs x
     
  11. littlemonkey

    littlemonkey Well-Known Member

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    Take a deep breath hun! I won't say I know how you feel, cos I don't, but I was in a very similar situation after my son's birth went balls up and nothing like I had planned. I ended up with an emergency c section and couldn't look after my son the first day and night. The second night I was on my own with him, I was like 'Help me!!!' to the midwives! I had also wanted to breast feed initially and couldn't cos he was too knackered to latch on after the birth and by the first night I was sick of getting my boobs manhandled by the midwife support woman trying to express, so he went onto formula and has been on it ever since. For the first few weeks I had a similar fear to what you described. My heart would sink if he cried. I didn't know what he wanted and how to settle him and my OH still had to do a lot with him cos I was still rough after the section.

    I'm telling you all this cos I'm now two and a half months on, and things have improved. My baby and I have gotten to know each other better, I'm better at working out what he wants and needs and he is also a lot more used to the world. You will learn to trust your instincts soon enough with you LO. As for what the people at the hospital said, ignore them! Babies cry and if someone on a maternity ward is complaining about that then they have issues! Midwives are all different too, so another one will probably tell you the opposite of what that one said. I had all manner of conflicting advice in the five days we were in hospital! As for the midwife saying breast is best, all the ones I've encountered don't give a s*** as long as baby looks healthy, happy and is getting fed. No health professional has questioned my son being bottle fed and the HV is more than happy to talk to me with advice re formula.

    I will also say that what has helped me is talking about how I'm feeling with my OH, family, HV and GP. You will find that you are probably less alone in feeling this way than you think. You HV and GP can also get you help if you need it. I have been taking anti-depressents (not for everyone I know) which have helped.

    You will get through this and you are a good mum xx
     
  12. CARNAT22

    CARNAT22 Well-Known Member

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    Oh sweetie, sorry you are feeling so rotten!

    It is perfectly natural to experience some degree of the baby blues around day 10 but keep an eye on it if you feel it doesn't lift after a little while.

    I could never admit it at the time but I frankly didn't like the newborn stage. I felt like I was walking through treacle. It was just so full on and such a shock to the system.

    It took me 6 weeks to feel competent and maybe 10 weeks to feel confident.

    In the early days I couldn't comfort James as well as OH could, he was a proper little screamer and it would literally reduce me to tears if I couldn't comfort him immediately. OH had to take him so many times and I felt terrible.

    I always loved him and was fine with the feeding, changing, bathing, new clothes etc but comforting him was what I struggled with.

    I promise it does get better, you begin to find your feet but it is a gradual process. You are in shock as it's so different and new and the bub is in shock for the same reason.

    Be kind to yourself, you are a great Mummy but you are still finding your way. As we all are to a degree.

    xxxxxxxx
     
  13. tambo1976

    tambo1976 Well-Known Member

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    May I just add! The worrying never ends, my eldest is 19 and bought his first car last week after passing his driving test 2 months ago and I am petrified of him driving now.

    We'll worry no matter how old they are for the rest of our lives lol xxx

    Tapatalking so can't see sigs or click thanks!
     
  14. clairebear22

    clairebear22 Well-Known Member

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    Hun i'm a Childminder and have been in childcare for 15 years so you'd think i'd pretty much seen and done it all ...... Wrong, very very wrong!!! Having Jack hit me like a ton of bricks!!! He was an absolute angel though but Harry, he was a whole different ball game that I just wasn't prepared for!! He's 12 weeks today and i'm literally just 'getting to know him' now due to him having severe colic for 7 weeks and being so inconsistant with what comforted him!! I've list count of how many times i've nearly walked out over him but he's a little star now and we've finally got a bond and I can read his cue's for what he needs. It takes a lot of time and patience sometimes.

    Firstly try (as hard as it is) to relax. Harry picks up my stress straight away so i keep my cool if he's fighting sleep and it really really helps. Your little one can probably sense you're anxious and will react to it.

    Secondly don't worry about over feeding her. If she does take more than she needs she'll probably posset (a small amount of sick) it back up which is perfectly normal. Lots and lots of babies are sick after a feed, i remember clear as day Jack projectile vomiting all the way up my arm!! I was quite impressed lol

    Thirdly, try to enjoy your baby, go with the flow and follow her lead, let her feed if she wants to feed and let her sleep when she wants to sleep.

    I too failed to breast feed Jack and had a negative experience from the MW's about it. I felt so so guilty for quite a while so much so that i didn't want to have those feelings again so didn't try at all with Harry. I have 2 very healthy thriving cheeky boys so who cares how they're fed .... as long as they're fed!! x
     
  15. mrswoody

    mrswoody Well-Known Member

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    Hugs lovely! It is perfectly normal to have a degree of baby blues, god I did and it was awful. I would just cry randomly and I was scared I wasn't bonding well with M.

    The first few days/weeks are so bloody hard it would be hard to not feel a little bit overwhelmed and emotional. You are doing fantastically.

    M cried pretty much all night on the second night in hospital too and as the MW said to me you're on a postnatal ward with lots of new babies, who cares what the lady next to you thinks, this is what it's like!
    "Breast is best" may well be the saying however what's best is what makes mummy and baby happy and if that means you give LO a bottle then so what! Don't feel guilty for what you choose to do and don't let anyone let you feel guilty.

    If you want to get you supply back up though speak to your HV about a hospital grade pump and pump pump pump.

    xx
     
  16. Jellybeanjen

    Jellybeanjen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you guys sooooo much. You have no idea how much it has lifted my mood already just knowing I am not the only one to feel this way and not alone in this. I asked OH to go downstairs and read my post and he came up with our sleeping jellybean and hugged us both and said he will call the midwife to tell her but also made me feel happier. He was cradling jellybean and hugging me and said "look at her...does she look unhappy and look around at all the stuff we bought for her and look at you crying...this certainly does not show that you are a bad mum". Then I saw jellybean smile and fart and it made me happy hahahaha. (Typing this just now I can hear a looot mof wet farts filling her nappy lol). Wow I feel so much better just talking about it! I think it will still take a good while getting used to and it's hard as am still immobile pretty much from the 2 episiotomies so I can't get up quickly to get her or get a botte or change her much. Hopefully by next week it'll be different :). I actually feel like I can breathe now.........although OH is just changing her nappy and he actually can't breathe hahahaha xxx
     
  17. Chezza

    Chezza Well-Known Member

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    So glad you are feeling a little better :) xxx
     
  18. littlemonkey

    littlemonkey Well-Known Member

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    You will get there! Just take one day at a time and look for the positives in each day.
     
  19. Jellybeanjen

    Jellybeanjen Well-Known Member

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    This morning I went in with a positive attitude and had OH there just incase but I changed her nappy (which hasn't done much due to the soreness of my foof having to have her on sofa and twisting hurt), changed her in to cute baby grow and fed and burped her and now she is fast asleep :D just gonna take it as it comes really until I feel confident enough to do it all on my own but it made me happy that I done that with no tears from me or her :D xxx
     
  20. Babybushie28

    Babybushie28 Well-Known Member

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    Hi hun,

    Thought I'd just add a big hug for you, you have to do what's best for you and ur baby girl, happy mummy = happy baby.

    Your doing a great job!!

    Xxxxxxxx
     

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