please help. boyf freaking out UPDATE COMPLETE U-TURN!!

[trixipaws]

u kno on sunday when it was ME who was freaking out- crying and shaking like a leaf after i got my BFP. and he was so stunned at my state (i was a mess!) he just hugged me and said "dont worry, i'll support u no matter what u decide" so i took that to mean that he KNEW i cant have a termination and accepted that unless i miscarry we are having another baby. altho i knew he secretly hoped i'm miscarrying. well, we were avoiding the subject mon & tues (& were both working anyway) then he was away in london for 2 days. well last nite we had "the talk" that i'd been dreading. the one about what we're gonna do. i thought he knew me enough to know that the idea of me having an abortion fills me with horror and fear (especially when my friend's sis went with her friend to hold her hand for one- the pill type u can have before 9 weeks- and described it as a "torture chamber", women lying on beds in a row all screaming in pain) so i presumed he knew the score, and was just assuming (and hoping!) bleeding = miscarriage.

well, i was wrong! he still thought i was really contemplating a termination and was pissed off at me for telling everyone that i'm pregnant (iv got his brother & wife on facebook and they saw my status about telling my parents and foned my boyf asking was it true)
he just freaked out last nite, had a massive go at me for "misleading" him, "being sneaky behind his back" etc. and he basically said having another baby would "destroy us" (our relationship?), he felt trapped and practically begged me to have a termination. at one point i said "right, fine i will" not meaning it at all i just wanted to go to sleep, but he knew and said "i know you dont mean that" anyway i was so tired, the conversation was just wearing me down and depressing me so much and when he said "is there anything i can say or do to make u decide..." so i just said wearily "okay" and he said "thanku" and we lay quietly for a bit. then i think he fell asleep, and i couldnt i was wide awake and so tired, had a banging headache so i took 2mg valium and one 30/500 co-codamol (pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee dont have a go at me for this i'd just been given an abortion or "divorce" ultimatum and was thinking maybe it'd be easier if i m/c anyway- even tho i dont want that and would be devastated)

this morning he was hugging me and sighing, (as if he was wearily accepting the very real chance we are having another child). he asked me did i have any intention of going thru with an abortion, because theres no point in saying it and it only makes things worse if i'm just saying to shut him up. i had to have a really good think to be able to answer him honestly, but i told him "i do, i know i *have to* do it, but i cant promise that on the day i wont freak out and bottle it" (thinkin about it now i KNOW thats EXACTLY what i'd do- even tho i'm prepared to do it to save my family- or at least show that i'm trying- i can see myself just rooting to the spot outside the doors, or running away the nite before, or something equally irrational. i know its not in me! im still not making it clear, i know its not fair on him i should just flatly tell him i refuse- i'm stringing him along i suppose- but my head is up my ass and i dont want his resentment, pushiness, etc all blasted upon me i just dont need it right now.

i get my blood taken again tonite. iv said to him i hope i do miscarry, cause i'm sure i could get over fate (or God/s, if ur religious) but i KNOW i cant get over the guilt of making it happen. although it would make my situation easier so in that respect i kind of hope i do, but i dont really mean it deep down, i dont hope i miscarry at all

i'v been a bit grumpy with millie this morning, like i kind of rushed her breakfast i was putting the sppon to her lips impatiently before she was ready for the mouthful and i feel terrible for it, i love her soooooooo much and she is such a cutey. i'm taking out my anger towards my boyf on her and its not fair! i'm angry at him for putting me in this horrible position. like if i dont opt out of this pregnancy i will be responsible for millie's sacrifices including her parents' downfall. and it was HIM who got me pregnant. i said to him lasdt nite "YOU fucking did this to me!" and he said oh dont be a cliche

if i abort this baby i will resent him for bullying me into it, and our relationship will be doomed anyway. so we shall just have to hope i AM having a miscarriage

i feel like screaming and curling up into a ball but millie needs me, gotta go iv neglected her while iv been typing this

 

[Emma58]

Oh hun i don't know what to say, I really feel for you.

 

[Chopsie]

Oh hon, what an awful position to be in.

I can't believe he is emotionally blackmailing you like this - abortion or divorce - especially when you are potentially miscarrying anyway. I really don't know what to say, but send lots of these your way - I think you probably need them right now

 

[buddabun]

god what a truly awful position to be put in.

I think you have already said it yourself, if you do have a termination you will resent him and yourself for a very long time.

I personally would sit down with him and say frankly that you've thought about it, tried to come round to the idea (whether you have or not) and you just couldn't abort this baby. To be honest hon, even though bean was an accident, if you feel you want to keep it, it's your decision. He can't force you to terminate and you shouldn't be bullied into it just because he is having a hard time coping with the news.

Maybe he will settle down and come round to it. If he wants to he will cope with 2 children. He seems to have managed ok with Millie (who is very cute in your avatar btw ) from what I can tell, maybe he just doesn't want to have to do it again.

I really really feel for you as I was in floods of tears over nothing at 4 weeks so you must be so emotional as you actually have something to be upset about!

HUGE HUGS from this end of the world. Let us know how it goes and feel free to vent again if you need to
xxx

 

[Tasha20]

Trix to be perfectly honest I think hes being totaly unreasonable, he knows the state you are already in mentaly and he his willing to watch you go through a termination because he doesn't want another child he had sex with you! its 50% him too!

YOU want this baby, I truely believe these things happen for a very good reason, there is some lessin to learn in all of this and I certianly dont think abortion is it!

Please do not take anything else that may harm your baby, I dont actualy think your having a miscarriage, bleeding in early pregnancy is very common and it doesn't help with the stress HE is putting you under, that needs to stop!

You need to tell him where you stand in all of this, you clearly want your baby. If you had a termination it woudl detroy your relationship anyway! (as you said) you will resent him for the rest of your life ( my dad made my mum go for a termination, shes hates him so much still 17odd years later)

Tell him he either supports you, or take a hyke, he is in noway being a supportive partner, im sorry even if my partner didnt want the baby he wouldnt treat me like that, he would stick by me no matter what his views were because he loves me.

YOU dont need this and neither does Millie! wehter this had happened now or 3 years time I think his reaction would be still the same, silly man

Sorry hun, It just upsetting me seeing you like this, its not fair on you

 

[MrsLloyd2B]

Awww hun, we are all here for you.

xxx

 

[Oliver's mummy]

as many have said, he got you pregnant!

i think your right to want this baby, i would do exactly the same as you are now, if your boyf cant accept your choice hes obviously not worth being with as a boyf (sorry if that sounds harsh)

BTW i dont think your MC at all i had the exact same thing at the same stage, dont worry

if you need to talk just pm me at any time

 

[Melly+2]

Hun he will get over it. My oh was EXACTLY the same when he found out i was pg with Hope, he was near enough bullying me to terminate and i kept saying i would, knowing full well i could never do that, in the end i said to him 'im keeping the baby you either walk away or support me, its up to you' He still hated the idea but as time passed he got used to the idea and around 6 months was the time he really started to accept and feel good about the fact we were havign a baby together. I know its different as you have Millie to think about in all of this, i just wanted to give you a story similar to yours with a positive outcome, coz look at usnow the man that never wanted children and im pregnant with my second in 3 years of knowing him, its hard for me to believe sometimes. You will get through this hun, dont let him bullyyou into doing something you dont wana do, if he loves you that much he will concider your feelings aswell as his which it seems he isnt doing atm.

 

[Loulabele]

Hey

Men , that is terrible to hear chick, you're bound to be in some state - do you think he's calling your bluff? If he really loves you and you're child, how could he just easily walk away - i think if it was me i would just continue on with it and then you'd see just how much he really means what he says, he mite eventually come to terms with it when he see's that he can't bully you into getting rid of it - men think they have the power over women cause most are afraid to be without them, but its just up to the women to stand up to them and show them that this isn't the case - i know it sounds easy to do , well only you really know your other half well enough to know what he's like - would he stick by you, or is he just blackmailing you to get what he wants - maybe you should stand your ground, you'll get lots of advice and opinions on here but you can only decide whats best for you, i hope all goes well for you and i wish there was something we all could do, try and keep your head up anyhow

 

[MrG]

Get shot of him

No matter how difficult a pregnancy is for a man to deal with, suggesting a termination is out of order.

 

[Sammystar]

To be brutally honest, if my partner gave me an ultimatum like that, the relationship would be over anyway...........



I really hope things work out for you

 

[Snuggle]

OMG I wish I was close to you so that I could give you a big hug and also give your OH a bloody good shake! How dare he bully you like that Trix you have made it perfectly clear that although not planned, you very much want to have this baby. Whether your BF likes it or not, he made the baby too and has to accept your decision to keep it. If he keeps trying to force you then tell him to either support you like a man who loves his woman should or get out! Explain what having an abortion would do to you hun, its obvious its not a consideration to you. He will push you to hate him if he keeps doing this to you. I'm sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant from me hasnt it!
Please be strong hun and stand up to what you want and believe in for both you and your babies sakes

 

[Kelly G]

awww trix im so sorry your going trhought this, just wanted to give you these

 

[DaisieBee]

Dont know what to say as have never been in this position. This baby was not planned and although we were both shocked, i dont think it even occurred to either of us that we would not keep the baby. To be honest, if hubby had even suggested it, it would change how I see him.
No man can put you in that position and still claim to love you. I know its painful and difficult, but you have to put youself and your children first. Really hope things work out for you.

 

[Flame]

What a horrible man! he shouldnt be making you do anything that you do not want to do. I know a lot of people have said it already but it sounds like it is already not a good sign because if you terminate your baby then you will hate him for it and if you dont terminate he will leave, I personally think that you should continue with the pregnancy if that is what YOU want, chances are he will stay and get used to it given time, might be a rough few months first of all though so just get the support from your friends, family and us on here until he starts to think properly.

Please stop hoping you miscarry, i know you dont really want to but the fact that you kind of hope you do is going to make you feel so guilty if you do miscarry,especially if you are taking things that might cause you to, and that is going to cause problems in your relationship as well cause part of you will blame him.

 

[M&Ms]

Oh hunny! That is awful, how can he be insisting you have an abortion and threatening that your relationship will be over if you don't? The whole scenario that you want this baby says to me a termination will end the relationship anyway. I know a girl who had an abortion because she was forced into it by her bf and it tore them apart anyway. Be strong hun, stand up for what YOU want. If the worst comes to the worst, you CAN be a mum on your own, I know, I've done it! PM me if you want to meet up for a chat, I'm not far from Manchester

 

[trixipaws]

well i went to baby clinic this morning and ended up in a private room pouring my heart out to my HV. my fone was on vibrate and i heard 2 missed calls. afterwards i got outside and checked, they were both from my boyf.

well, he told me all the things i was longing to hear from him and some more as a bonus

he said he was really sorry for what he'd said, he realised he'd put me in a horrid position, he accepts that if i dont m/c we're having a baby, he wouldnt want to see me go thru something i found traumatic, he loves me lots- its not the end of the world, he was only panicing before and angry that i'd announced it on my own without us both making a concrete decision together first (understandable) and he's here for me whether i have baby number 2 or whether i lose it. he even said to call him at work if i need him today.

the EXTRA thing he said- the "bonus" i was referring to- he even said- get this- that *if* i want to TTC if i lose this baby he would agree!

i dont know what to say. i feel so much happier now! altho im regretting the valium and codeine BIG TIME and 100% praying that my hcg has doubled

aww he is a good person i hope i didnt make him sound evil

 

[Melly+2]

Glad things have worked out hun, he prob just freaked out as much as you did, its a man thing i think. Hoping your hcg levels raise today hunny, when will you be able to find out the results??? xxx

 

[ejjie]

Aw hon I'm glad he's come round. Finding out you're pregnant is a confusing time and people react differently - he just needed a little more time than you that's all. I hope your HCG levels have doubled and that your little baby is safely growing in your belly

xxx

 

[Snuggle]

I'm sorry if you felt that we all came down on him a bit hun, we are obviously just concerned about you. I'm so glad he has saw sense and will be there for you like he's supposed to now. Praying your hcg levels are huuuuuuge hun