Paranoid fears??,

[Hope81]

So I have been in this forum for 1 year during witch I saw numerous posts of relationships destroyed after LO comes in the world
Somehow men seem to hit the braking point faster than we do and start behaving like idiots and then rows all day and then the girl decides to move out
I have no idea how many times I saw te same pattern....
I am terrified about what will happen with my relationship after the bean is here
We are very in love with my oh but I am sure same was for all those girls too...
My oh doesent like any inconvenience and I am not pretty sure how he will react at a screaming newborn while he can't sleep during the night and next day has to go to work...
I mean yesterday he was in bad mood all day because the puppy accidentally sit in poop in the yard that then got tangled in its fur and he was giving it a shower complaining that Dosent clean there but was only holding water against its but ifykwim without actually trying to clean it. So I had to bend and shampoo it there with my hand and these days i can barely bend anymore lol.
He will be a parent in 4 months and clean dirty leaking diapers????? lol...

Does anyone have paranoid (or not) fears about what will happen in the family when LO comes????

 

[wifeywifey]

Hi, I didnt have fears but relationships do become harder after a child, I have 2 kids with a 12 month age difference and things are hard to start with. When I had my 1st we nearly split up but once we got into a routine it made us stronger and got married. 6 weeks ago I had my second and things are hard again but we both recognise its not because we are bad together but because of how hard it is. I believe that if you stick at it when its tough and learn to let the little things slide you will come out the other side stronger and happier

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[Loula]

They say men only becme parents when baby is here yet mothers are parents at conception,
I hope he will b e fine once bubba comes along, you just need to take the rough with the smooth x

 

[Cherrycola]

Yeah, I'm scared and this is our second baby! First time round was really difficult and I don't think either of us had any idea how much it would affect our relationship. Once you have a baby everything stops being about the two of you and is focused on the baby, it's like you have to rebuild your relationship from scratch with a whole new dynamic to it and you have no time or energy to do the stuff that you used to do together that made your relationship unique. On top of this you are both extremely tired and struggling with sharing the responsibility for tasks both looking after the baby and around the house. With us anyway arguments were very frequent in the early days and I lost count of the number of times I threatened to leave or throw OH out of the house.

Sorry to be so negative but I wish I had realised the strain it would put on our relationship before hand so I would be prepared! The good news is with time things do get a lot better. You do manage to rebuild your relationship and get used to your new roles as 'mum' and 'dad'. I think the best way to cope with it is to remember that alot of the feelings you have in the first 6 months or so aren't a real reflection of your relationship and are instead brought about by tiredness and being unsure about what you are actually meant to be doing x

 

[Princess81]

I had worries as to how supportive and "hands on" my o/h would be. There is no denying that a baby puts a big strain on most relationships. Knowing when to go into the other room is the key. Knowing when not to shout and to walk away. Sitting down and having a quick cuppa and a chat when baby is taking a nap and just a passing cuddle can make the world of difference. It is really hard not to get totally mad at your partner, but I don't think men are as intuitive as we are so it's a slower learning process for them and they aren't as quick to adjust. As soon as the baby settles into life things do become a lot easier xx

 

[pinkclara]

it does change your relationship - but in my experience (3rd baby!) if you both love each other and are willing to work with the changes you will be fine. i find that it takes a good few months to get used to having LO around and everyone making necessary changes to routines to fit in - after that you forget what it was like without LO being part of your family.

you'll be fine hun - just enjoy being pregnant for now xxx :hugs

 

[Hope81]

Thank you everyone I really hope so ...
My plan of action lol is to plan ahead for some ordinary things to help us the first difficult months and hopefully prevent some tiredness and rows.
Like I will feel the freezer full of ready made food so we don't have to worry for the first month what we will actually eat or who will cook.
We will buy in big quantities things that don't go bad like toilet paper etc so we cu down the amount of time we need for shopping?( my oh completely hates shopping and he Dosent want to go alone to shop things of there is a long list)
We will find a cleaner to help the couple of months before and the first months after LO is here.
My parents will come and help us for one month after my oh goes back to work and before they leave they will fill our freezer again with ready made home cooked food.
A pair of air plugs for my oh lol so he can sleep at night...
A fully equipped room with everything baby essential (other than bedroom) so I can bolt out of the bedroom with the baby if it cant settle during the night...
A co sleeper crib for LO that will hopefully help LO settle faster if it's so close to me.
Oh and try to keep our little routines that we already have while LO is sleeping. Like watch a movie together while LO is breast feeding? Have dinner together when LO is sleeping? A walk at the beach before bed with LO in a sling?

Ok as you can see I am panicking great time here...
He keeps saying that we will most definitely be ok so I hope it will everything work out ok...

 

[wifeywifey]

Sounds like a good plan but might I suggest you are more flexible about your parents being there it may sen like a good idea now but I found I wanted to be alone with my new family plus that alone time with ur oh will be precious

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[Hope81]

I know but it can't really be done different ad they live in a different country and they can't Just visit for only a week
Good think is that we have a huge 3 floor house and a big garden so we can have still have time alone even like that, I hope at least...

 

[EmmaN27]

I'm sure things will be better than you expect and your OH will surprise you at how well he copes. x

 

[wifeywifey]

I know but it can't really be done different ad they live in a different country and they can't Just visit for only a week
Good think is that we have a huge 3 floor house and a big garden so we can have still have time alone even like that, I hope at least...

you could maybe go for a walk with oh to get away for a bit if ur well enough. I'm sure it will be fine me and dh had a rocky relationship before we had kids and managed to stick together. id stop worrying and take things as it comes.

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[Cherrycola]

Try not to worry hun, you will be fine. I think it's normal to go through a rocky patch when you have a new baby and you seem to have a good plan laid out to help you cope! x

 

[EssJayPea]

Excellent thread about something I felt too afraid to ask myself. Thanks Hope for starting and thanks ladies for all the advice xxx

 

[Jayjay027]

I can honestly say this isn't something that's worried me. I'm not saying I think it'll be easy, not at all! But I don't think it'll come between us.
I've felt a new closeness with my husband since we found out I'm pregnant, and I can only imagine that closeness will be even stronger when baby arrives x

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[Hunnie]

I didn't think it would effect us but I'm not going to lie, it did. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and it isn't long before you both start to snap at each while you try to console a baby you haven't learnt about yet and don't actually know what they are trying to tell you.

It's definitely hard in the first couple of months because you're literally just dealing with a pooing crying machine who doesn't show you much emotion but it's amazing once they start to become "proper" little people and to share with your OH its amazing and it does bring you together.

If you notice more often than not when we say stuff about our OHs it's generally just stuff we say in the heat of the moment and I don't think I've actually seen any relationships fully break up on here due to the presence of the LO.

My only advice would be is that if you think you have any sort of depression, go and get it sorted ASAP as I didn't and that was actually what put a huge strain on both of us.
Second tip is to make sure that you make time for yourselves and if people offer to have LO, take them up on the offer so you can both go and do something together without LO being there.

 

[Tara1985]

Thanks for bringing this up Hope, it's been great reading the advice from some of the other ladies. Especially Hunnie.

I am nervous about the sleep deprevation for OH as he will be going back to work after 2 weeks and thought it is only fair if I get up in the night to see to LO during the working week. I'm scared I will then resent my OH for this but I guess I will have to deal with it when it comes and if I recognise it now hopefully things won't completely break down because I am preparing myself for some tense moments, especially when we are both exhausted and baby wants more time.

I think the key point is to talk and discuss these potential problems before hand - might wait a couple of months before I completely scare OH about what is ahead of us. At the moment he is just in love with this little person and hasn't thought about the demands of care.
xx

 

[michaelsmum]

I'm not worried that my OH and I will split up, but I do wonder how we will cope when the twins are born. My ex who I had my 1st born with was useless and we were in a rocky marriage to begin with, but it wasn't my DS who caused us to split up when he arrived as we were used to the arguments, etc! I actually left my ex after having my DS because I realised both my DS and I deserved a better life than we had with him.

Now I've found a fantastic partner and I'm really looking forward to becoming a parent again with him, however I do worry about the lack of sleep with my OH as he definitely needs his sleep and with twins, neither one of us will get any for a while! Still, as some of the ladies have already said, trying to get even a few minutes of cuddle time, etc will help keep that connection and a realisation that, yes, there will be arguments and fights from sleep deprivation, but you've got to try to know that's what it's about and say sorry when you need to.