Or perhaps "Trying not to conceive"...

[NotAnotherNipper]

Hi. 29yr old male here. 2 Children with wife of 8yrs aged 7 and 4. Wife is 31.

We have discussed having more, I am pretty anti.

I don't understand the full technical naming of sections of the menstrual cycle, but:

Her last period began on around 27/05 and finished at the end of May. She has a long cycle and I would expect the next to begin around the last day of this month.

We have never had any problems conceiving before.

On the 8th and 9th of this month, in a moment of weakness I agreed to unprotected sex. Stupid, stupid boy. 2 "goes", as it were, one each evening.

So, given dates, times ages etc, what is the % likelihood that she will fall pregnant if there is no more of the same this month.

I realise this is a question hugely open to a large number of variables, but I don't fully understand when the fertile period is when a woman has a long cycle. All info I have seen relates to a standard 28 day cycle.

So tell me, is it 25% chance, 50% chance, 75% chance? Please show your working.

Thanks.

(Serious votes on the poll, please. Any humour I feel is an attempt at masking my utter fear.)

 

[NotAnotherNipper]

I said, show your working...

 

[Kittykins]

Don't you think you should be talking to your wife about this? Put it this way, if I found out my husband was posting messages like this without talking to me first, I'd be pretty cross!

As for the likelihood, it's difficult to tell. You don't say whether your wife's cycles are regular, just 'long'. Based on the dates you give, 27/05 - 30/06, that would be a 34-day cycle. The average luteal phase (2nd part of cycle, after ovulation) is 12-16 days, though can be shorter or (more rarely) slightly longer. The follicular phase (first part of cycle) is the variable bit. So, if a woman regularly has 34-day cycles, she would expect to ovulate between 12-16 days before the end, i.e. around cycle day 18-22. In a cycle that started on 27th May, CD 18-22 would be 14-18 June.

The fertile period would be the five days up to and including the day of ovulation. Sperm can live up to 5 days (more usually 2-3); the egg disintegrates 12-24 hours after ovulation.

So, based on these dates, any intercourse between 9th and 18th June could potentially lead to conception. If your wife is slightly irregular - in that her cycles usually range from 32 to 36 days, rather than spot-on 34 - then there's a good chance she ovulated earlier or later, anywhere between 12 and 20 June. Obviously, if it was slightly later, the risk of pregnancy decreases. If earlier, your timing would have been near-perfect for conception.

I'm not going to make a % prediction, too many variables. Also, even if you get perfect timing, only 1 in 4 times will this result in a pregnancy. I would say it sounds possible though.

 

[Kittykins]

Don't you think you should be talking to your wife about this? Put it this way, if I found out my husband was posting messages like this without talking to me first, I'd be pretty cross!

As for the likelihood, it's difficult to tell. You don't say whether your wife's cycles are regular, just 'long'. Based on the dates you give, 27/05 - 30/06, that would be a 34-day cycle. The average luteal phase (2nd part of cycle, after ovulation) is 12-16 days, though can be shorter or (more rarely) slightly longer. The follicular phase (first part of cycle) is the variable bit. So, if a woman regularly has 34-day cycles, she would expect to ovulate between 12-16 days before the end, i.e. around cycle day 18-22. In a cycle that started on 27th May, CD 18-22 would be 14-18 June.

The fertile period would be the five days up to and including the day of ovulation. Sperm can live up to 5 days (more usually 2-3); the egg disintegrates 12-24 hours after ovulation.

So, based on these dates, any intercourse between 9th and 18th June could potentially lead to conception. If your wife is slightly irregular - in that her cycles usually range from 32 to 36 days, rather than spot-on 34 - then there's a good chance she ovulated earlier or later, anywhere between 12 and 20 June. Obviously, if it was slightly later, the risk of pregnancy decreases. If earlier, your timing would have been near-perfect for conception.

I'm not going to make a % prediction, too many variables. Also, even if you get perfect timing, only 1 in 4 times will this result in a pregnancy. I would say it sounds possible though.

 

[NotAnotherNipper]

Yeah, of course I should be talking to her, and will do. Frankly, there's no talking to do at the moment. I need to find out if she's pregnant. I won't know until the end of the month.

I have a vasectomy booked for the end of the month. I will tell her before I have it done, but I need to find out if she's pregnant or not. I realise a couple of days before her next period it'll only give an 80% odd accuracy. I guess if she takes a home test that morning we'll have a good indication.

So I'll take the average at 50/50 then. Let's hope the coin lands on the right side.

 

[mary70]

if you have the vesectomy booked on the nhs you will have to tell your wife because they wont do it without her consenting too, my husband had it done in december and we both had to sign before he had it done or they wouldnt have gone ahead with it

 

[Kittykins]

May I suggest you 'discuss' it with your wife rather than 'tell' her? Or you might find you get a DIY Bobbit rather than an NHS vasectomy... Again, from the female point of view, if I wanted a third kid and I knew my husband didn't, I would be extremely angry, upset and betrayed if he booked himself in for a vasectomy and told me after it was booked. But then, it's your marriage, I'm sure you can work out for yourself how your wife's likely to react!


Doing the maths in a different way, if you did conceive from sex on 8/9 June, you should know before the end of the month. My previous calculations were to determine the likelihood of whether it was a fertile time for you. If you assume it was a fertile time, your wife would have had to ovulate by 12 June (realistically, unless you have super-sperm), and an HPT (home pregnancy test) should give an accurate result by 14 days later, ie 26 June. To be honest, if an HPT is negative on the 25th or 26th, it's a very outside chance, bearing in mind your wife's cycles as well as the timing.

 

[Penstraze]

I think you should definately talk to your wife sooner rather then later she clearly wants another baby that doesn't of course mean that you have to have more children but it should be something you talk about and agree on together! It would be very wrong for her to go behind your back and trick you into getting pregnant and Im sure isn't something she would consider but I don't really think planning a vasectomy without telling your wife you want one and don't want more children is any fairer when by the sounds of things by agreeing to unprotected sex you have led her to believe you are willing to try for another child!

If my husband were to do this I would be extreamly upset and feel like a trust in our relationship had gone to be honest I would contemplate whether we even had a future! I wouldn't mind another child my DH doesn't want any more after this one and has mentioned a vasectomy I would really rather he didn't because you just don't know how lifes situations change and how you will feel later down the line (My Dad was adament after us four he didn't want any more children dispite my Mum asking for years for another hes not re-married to a younger woman and has just had another son!) but if it was really what he wanted and we had talked about it in depth together then I wouldn't try and stop him but I would certainly want to know about it and have the chance to talk it through together first!!!!

 

[NotAnotherNipper]

Mary, don't worry, I'm going privately. Funny how the NHS deem that both partners need to discuss a vasectomy, but not abortion etc, huh..? Tum-te-tum... "This is a man's world" ...Tum-te-tum. I wouldn't dream of turning up cap in hand to my GP. I'd rather just pay up and get it done.

Anyway...

Thanks for the info Kitty. Frankly, I'm not interested regards deceit etc. The fact is having gone unprotected and felt the feeling of panic and fear of starting the clock again afterwards then this is something I'm going to do. If my wife feels that she wants more then she'll have to do it with someone else. She loves being a mother, loves it. I enjoy being a father to my two girls, but I don't want to look after a baby again. I want my life back. I was 20 when I found out my wife was pregnant. 20.

If she's pregnant then I will stick it out, of course. I'm not going to run away from a situation of consentingly put myself in. That is why I won't tell her until I know if she is pregnant or not. If she is pregnant then what is the point of telling her now? It is better that we know the lie of the land before we discuss it. However, practicalities mean that one has to book these things a little in advance.

If she wants to mother a baby again then she will have do it away from me (this month's result notwithstanding).

Many thanks for your help.

(PS - Honestly, I'm not a b*stard, and actually we have a pretty communicative relationship. We are simply chalk and cheese on wanting any more kids.)

 

[NotAnotherNipper]

...and has mentioned a vasectomy I would really rather he didn't because you just don't know how lifes situations change and how you will feel later down the line ...

Darling, I didn't know you posted on this forum, I take it all back.

I'm the sort of person that can't have something hanging over him, I'm afraid. Not knowing for me is the worst thing. Waiting each month to find out if she wasn't pregnant etc. I need to get the job done, I won't be at peace until I do. Ironically it is her keenness that makes me need to get it done more.

I have (hopefully) come close to being a father again, and realised I don't want it. At all. If she decides that she wants to be a mother again then that is fine. We all change and have different goals. We'll never meet on that one.

I just hope she isn't pregnant. I'll let you know!

 

[Trudyscrumptious76]

 

[NotAnotherNipper]

What on earth is that supposed to mean?

Don't be ridiculous. Why on earth are you shocked. "Woman wants child, man doesn't". Does that surprise you?

Or the fact that I've booked a vasectomy and don't want to discuss it with her while there is huge uncertainty over whether or not she's pregnant?

 

[mary70]

All i can say hun is that if i was your wife and you had a vesectomy behind my back children would be an issue because you would be finding somewhere else to live

 

[Sammystar]

Oh dear

your wife has my sympathy......

 

[NotAnotherNipper]

Let's make one thing clear. I am not going to have a vasectomy behind her back. I will let her know what I am doing before it happens.

I do not want to have any more children. I now know this for 100% certain. She is also her own person. If she decides she wants children above everything else then I will not stand in her way.

Honestly.

I realise that on a forum like this views are going to only go one way. Most people on here are trying to get pregnant so it must go against the grain to read a post like mine.

....

Many thanks to Kitty for spelling out how a longer cycle changes the fertile period within that.

 

[NotAnotherNipper]

PS - Sammy, I see you are a single mum of three.

...I reciprocate your sympathies.

 

[mary70]

i am not against anyone having a vesectomy as i said my husband had it in december but it was a decision we made togeather after lots of disscusion.

 

[Sammystar]

I realise that on a forum like this views are going to only go one way. Most people on here are trying to get pregnant so it must go against the grain to read a post like mine.

so why are you here with your 'give us a percentage and show us your workings' poll then??

you're quite obviously a really clever guy so why do you need to come on here asking us?

 

[Sammystar]

PS - Sammy, I see you are a single mum of three.

...I reciprocate your sympathies.

 

[Trudyscrumptious76]

I just can't understand how you can possibly think it's ok to book it without discussing it with her. If you have such a good relationship and can talk about everything then why not this. As for this forum only being about wanting kids. Most of us were adult enough to speak to our partners about whether or not they wanted kids before going on this journey. It's like me forgetting to take the pill and then telling my husband Ooops sorry I'm pregnant but it's want I wanted so there you go.

How would you feel if you're wife tampered with the condoms or didn't take her pill and then told you after she'd fallen pregnant. She could say the same it's her decision and what she wants so tough just get on with it.

It's this for real??? I hope it's a crazy fake again as this is unbelievable. I'm with Mary once you returned from hospital the locks would be changed.