Only so much you can keep in..

[Jayceesmumma]

So bloody emotional lately and i hate it. Pushing my OH away and its not fair on him. He doesnt understand how this is affecting me and how hard it is for me to get my head around another baby so soon. We've only been together since nov last yr (anniversary present=baby.. sorted!) and its hard for me to fully put my trust in him. weve had minor hiccups but got thru it fine. (had a very rough past so cautious and paranoid) Im a naturally depressive, emotional person and ive been controlling it so well since being with him coz i wanted to make it work.. but its so hard now with the pregnancy hormones and added stresses. Plus Ellie is getting a bit jealous atm with my niece (everyone reacting like shes f*cking evil which isnt helping her!!! ) so shes acting out.. extra stress. I feel like crying 24/7 but i cant in front of the kids and not even in front of my OH.. im not comfortable with that yet..
I just dont know how to vent or relax without going into town and having some 'me' time, but now im preg i cant yet HE can. Like all men.. lucky b*stards

Ive even started smoking a bit again which breaks my heart. I stopped for 15days which for me, was brilliant and all i got from him when i said '15 days now!' was a very uninterested 'yeah?' hes never smoked so will never understand. I started again after i had a bleed at 16w and had to go to a and e.. i asked him if it was okay and he said he could understand why and 'one wont hurt'.. i feel like such a failure and an ungrateful cow for smoking still... i have no other release from stress.. i have the girls 24/7 and noone can babysit. my mum started to finally babysit them overnight a few months before i got preg.. so i had a lovely taste of freedom after 7 years of once every 6-7 weeks (id put them to bed at mums, go out and return to mums to get up for them in the morning-and she would txt me at 12 to say its getting late... after id only got out at 10..) before being pregnant and it all being snatched away.

Im really rambling so feel free to just not bother reading all the above crap coz it probably wont make any sense...

So much going on in my head and i just cant figure out.. well.. anything!

 

[Princess81]

You've got a lot going on pregnancy is an anxious time anyway isn't it without added extra worries. Would your mum be willing to take the girls for a couple hours so you can go get some papering? Massage or a facial or a pedicure or something? Or even so you can go catch a chickflick at the cinema?

Lots of love hun xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Mum lives half hr away so id have to drop them off and pick them up.. shes house sitting til mid month for her boss so has to stay there..
Also i have sod all money and lots of bills.. OH has just lost his job too after only just getting it.
He had to drop out of uni in southampton (man do i feel guilty!) and was searching 4 months for a job with no joy.. then got one with bnq trade point a couple of weeks ago.. now they are letting everyone who got the job go (they are all furious but nothing they can do) coz trade point isnt making enough money. so he has to start over again. Hes just been to an interview but hes been paid from bnq and gone to meet his mate at the pub. told me he was coming bk at 6.. now just gone 7.... this is what pisses me off with him. Im a big 'time' person. if u say a time bloody stick to it! if u say 6.. its 6 not 6:15... 6:30... 6!!! he knows that! im not a control freak (i sound like one!!) but if hes gonna tell me a time he should stick to it.

Sigh... and my arms have got all fat n my thighs rub together and my face has got all plump.. (dont wanna cause offence to anyone.. i was a size 8 to start with) so i dont even feel pretty or anything

all his girl mates are young and slim n pretty (hes 21 im 25) and we r going to his mates engagement do 23rd july and im gonna look frigging awful i cant even find day to day clothes that fit/look half decent let alone evening clothes to compete with them! Havent got any money to buy new clothes either

Money does make the world go round and it definitely can buy happiness!! I dont care what anyone says!

 

[Princess81]

I don't really know what to suggest hun. I completely understand the feeling unnatractive thing, I have that going on too and my o/h is off partying all weekend. I know another girl wouldn't put up with him so I don't feel worried about it

Everyone needs "me" time though. Can you sit down with o/h of an evening and explain? Ebay has loads of maternity clothes on it, some really nice stuff too so you can grab a bargain. x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

And the WORST part about it all...

I'm sitting here bitching and moaning while I have 2 potentially 3 completely healthy children, a roof over my head, food in the cupboards, an OH who is the most supportive person (maybe not the most understanding but he's male..) I've ever had in my life besides my dad (who lives in Spain), my health isn't the best but a whole deal better than most... When there's people who have much much less than me and (on this forum-I'm so sorry) have children with health problems or can't have kids at all!!

I feel so ungrateful and selfish

Yes I had a rough past with domestic violence and the father of my girls was my step brother (not by marriage and mum is still with his dad so causes probs still for them) I was 16 he was 21 and 'grooming' me since I was 13 but that's nothing compared to many women and luckily my girls aren't too affected by it.. Jaycee is unfortunately but she could be worse.. Will see when she's an adult

Hate these feelings sorry for another self pity rant

 

[Princess81]

Everyone has issues hun, we may not be able to give you the answers but we are here to listen xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I'm gonna try eBay for an outfit and OH has offered to buy me something coz he feels bad that I feel bad and somewhat trapped at the mo which I'm grateful for but can't help feeling bills etc are more important than how I look so I always say no..

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thank you for listening.. I know there are no answers right now but getting it all out is a big help and I'm grateful you've taken the time to read my ramblings..xxx

 

[Princess81]

No probs hun, go check ebay, you'll be surprised how little you can pick something up for or gumtree or freecycle, ladies sometimes put bulk batches of maternity stuff on there x

 

[Sarah13]

Haven't really got any good advice, but it's def good to get all your worries and rants out on here, doesn't do baby any good to get all stressed. I'm sure things will improve, can relate to the fat feeling and nothing to wear, I live in trackies just now lol!

Try and think of all the positives and focus on them, like you said lovely OH, two healthy beautiful girls and another on the way and a roof over your head. That's what I do when I feel down, I remember how lucky I am and the most exciting thing of all we have new babies to look forward to!

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thanks honey there are some nice bits on ebay.. sticking some in my watch list so when i get some money i can buy some
feeling better now OH is here and we've had a big greasy pizza not helping with the weight thing but it feels good to pig out sometimes x

 

[Sarah13]

Junk food is always such a good mood lifter!

 

[Jayceesmumma]

The garlic bread with cheese helped