On the verge of a breakdown.

[Jadey89]

To cut 2 years short..

My ex partner as of yesterday has abused drugs and alcohol for years. I don't know what I saw in him but I loved him and stuck by him to try and get him off it and helped. He would get really argumentative about drugs and alcohol he wouldn't admit he had a problem although he smoked weed daily sometimes spending £100 a week on it. We have had our fair share of arguments over the past 2 years and he started making me feel like I was the problem
And that I was depressed. I am depressed, I'm really depressed. I also attempted suicide last year after he smashed up my parents house on my dad's birthday. He left after trying to fight everyone, kicked my mums blind dog and smashed up their kitchen. I thought my family would disown me, I had no partner and I had just lost my part time job just before. I was at my lowest. I survived, I stupidly took him back and since that night nearly every argument has turned into him coming up right into my face nudging me with his head and shouting, I'm not a mouse, I can stand up for myself and I've lashed out in the past.

Yesterday after a night out he returned home and we rowed because of his state and he took it further. He's smashed my house up, thrown cups and glasses on to the street, ripped my hair out, tried to strangle me and pushed me on my sofa before picking the sofa up and throwing me backwards on it. I called the police and I got a video recording of him throwing things at me and shouting, he ripped out the phone line while I was on the phone to them and that's recorded to. The police arrived and they arrested him. He's assaulted an officer by kicking him, he's been charged with that, the assault on me, criminal
Damage and possession of a class A drug, he's still on probation for racial abuse as well.

Please don't judge me I know I shouldn't have taken him back the first time. I'm in a really low depressed state at the moment. What hurts the most is that he did a lot for me and my 2 daughters. He was really nice in the week when he didn't abuse hard drugs or alcohol.

Obviously after yesterday it's final there's no Going back. I know he's an idiot and he's not cut out for family life full time. He got bailed with conditions to not contact me in any way. 20 mins later he was ringing me begging me to drop the charges. He's rang today and I've recorded the phone calls and made a statement to have him arrested for breeching. Although he will just go to court the day after and they will release him with the same conditions.

Anyway he's still logged on fb on my tablet and I stupidly looked at his activity log. He'd searched a girls name who posts half naked pictures of herself and hot and sexy chicks etc... If I was looking at prison I don't think i would be in the mood to be pleasuring myself!! What the hell did I live with????

I feel like the past 2 years has been a joke, I'm going through the "I'm going to be alone forever now" stage. I'm not eating either, I can't bring myself to do
It, I'm that depressed. I feel like my life is ruined and I feel like I'm failing at being a mum because I'm so depressed.

I'm currently under the care of the healthy minds team but I don't know when my next appointment is. I got told I was on a waiting list. I need to speak to someone and I don't know who. My friends and parents just keep
Telling me I am worth more and I don't deserve be treated like that and I'm better off now. But I just feel like my life is a mess and they Rent fully understanding what I'm going through

Why am I so worried what our mutual friends will think when they find out I called the police? I've been assaulted and I feel like I've done wrong.

I feel unattractive, I'm so ground down, I've not been work for 2 nights as I'm a night care assistant and I didn't want my work to suffer, I'm not eating, I keep jumping awake in my sleep and I'm just upset

Sorry if a lot doesn't make sense and punctuation is crappy but I'm on my mobile and my heads not with it at the moment.

Thanks for listening

 

[millielaura]

Oh hun big hugs to you. You definitely have done the right thing , a man like that doesnt deserve you and your children! I hope he gets what you deserved and the main thing now is youve left him and you can slowly start to rebuild your life. You will feel better i promise xxx

 

[MrsGriff]

Oh what a horrible situation to be in but things will get a lot better. I promise that one day you'll look back on this and be so proud of how far you've come. I was in an abusive relationship about ten years ago and suffered from severe depression afterwards for a while and also ended up homeless so I know how hard it is to see a future. I remember that no matter what friends and family said to me, I just felt that I wasn't worth saving and that I didn't deserve to feel any better. I know now that that was the most dangerous bit of the illness and the one stopped me moving forward for so long.

I'm glad that you realise that your ex is clearly a violent man with serious issues. I'm afraid all men like this can be so lovely when they are sober and/ or getting what they want but that doesn't make up for their disgusting behaviour the rest of the time.

I can't believe he kicked a blind dog! Even without all the rest of it, that shows his true colours.
You don't say if he is the father of your child/ children. If he is I'd be extremely cautious about letting him spend time with them and certainly only under strict supervision. I would suggest that be someone official and not you or a family member in case he kicks off again.

If he's not the father then just cut off all ties with him completely. Delete him off your Facebook account, change your phone number if you have to but do not give this man a single second more of your time. He will only drag you down further.

Try to stay active to help with your depression. Go for walks , swims anything that you enjoy and that gets you out the house and exercising. Force yourself to go, even if you don't feel like it. Try not to take too much time off work as dwelling on things won't help and you don't want to end up losing your job.

I found the mental health support agencies to be pretty useless to be honest so I hope you have better luck with them than I did. But there is a lot that you can do to help yourself.

Good luck with it all and take care. x

 

[Lilalylola]

He sounds like winning the jackpotplease dont take him back, you deserve so much better then him! Good luck and hope things work out the way you want them to,

 

[mylullaby]

I'm trying to send you a private message Jadey but having no luck. Didn't want to write all of my reply publicly. Hope you're ok. You're already stronger than you think - he is your EX now after all. Don't try to struggle alone. Speak to your GP and get the support of your friends and family. Women's Aid http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ are great and have helped thousands of women in situations like yours. xxx

 

[Jadey89]

Thanks for your replies. Well it's a week on and I've returned home today to put my home back straight. Still not eating properly but I suppose that comes back with time. Had no contact with him at all since them phone calls. I've taken his things to his parents as well. We have a lot of mutual friends so I know he's been out all weekend. I went to my friends last night and we had a drink and a catch up and I was actually laughing and felt like the old me again. I still stop in my tracks and think about it but I'm trying keep myself occupied. If i think of something and it upsets me, I think of something about him that annoyed me or I think of or horrible things he's said and done. It seems to be working. I've got a feeling he's going try to go abroad to avoid prison. I dunno how all of that works but he will look guilty either way.

I start my new job as a community care assistant tomorrow so it's sort of a fresh start for me. Back to working in the day which will have a massive positive impact on my mental health I reckon.

Thanks again for listening , sometimes you just need to get it out. I don't know why you can't send me a private message though?

 

[hayln]

Youve reached a turning point and ur life starts from here! I have friends that were in simular situations and the first minth or ao is the hardest due to raw feelungs and such a change. Just keep ur head up for u and ur kids, theres alot of support online and sometime its easier to talk to strangers! Just remember dont put too much pressure on yourself, and be proud of who u are and for having the strength to get out of this relationship