Not sure what to think or say to her ....

[tots hope]

My SIL has been TTC for over 7 years now and has had no sucess. Both her and her husband have been tested and everything is healthy and Doctors have no idea why they haven't been successful.

When we found out we were expecting i cried before we met up and told her and cried all the way home after. I was still in a little shock and she didn't think i was happy about the pregnancy. (very much excited but very nervous about telling her).

In the last few weeks she has been diagnosed with OCD and her obsession is with personal hygiene. I was talking to my father-in-law the other day and he said that the Doctors think it could be related to my pregnancy (ie im pregnant and she isn't). I had a feeling it could have been this but after having it confrmed made it all a bit more real. I am certainly not offended by this but trying to put things into persective for you girls

At the weekend we went out for dinner and i asked the waitress about the icecream and if it was paterised. They came back and said they couldn't garantee it. My FIL asked why this was inportant and i just casually said it had something to do with the possibility of having a bacteria in it. My SIL then went off on one saying that as i didn't know what this was i couldn't be that interested in the baby and the safety and that other people would make better mothers.

I didn't really say anything as i was in shock and no-one else said anything either - we all just carried on as normal.

I now don't feel like i can speak to her at all. She hasn't asked (and i certainly havne't encouraged her) to look at any of the scan pictures and doens't even know when the DD of the baby is.

I can't help feeling a little guilty about being pregnant and i know i shouldn't be feeling like this. Everyone else is really supportive about the pregnancy and really happy for us both but at the back of my mind i still have the toughts of her.

Is anyone else in a similar position as me if so what have you done to help the situation?

 

[charliebeth]

First of all

I have no experince of this, but I really feel for you. It must be so upsetting when you are so happy about being pregnant, and daren't share it with someone so close to you.

I'm all for helping loved ones when they have problems, but right now you and your baby are most importent, so give her some distance. Do you know if she's getting help with her OCD?

 

[Misslarue]

I have PMed you hun

 

[heles7]

my SIL had been trying for a similar period of time and I was worried about going through the pregnancy with this in mind but she fell pregnant after me following her first bout of IVF treatment.

I know its an awful position to be in but that doesnt give your SIL the right to start going off at your as you describe. As somebody else says, maybe a little distance could help the both of you.

Maybe you could send some flowers or a nice card with a few words to explain that you'll give her the space she needs but that she is welcome at any time to come round if she wants to take a more active interest in your pregnancy and the same for when the baby arrives.

 

[Tillytots]

oh God hun this must be ever so difficult for you. Sorry I cant offer any advice, only hugs Im afraid

xx

 

[lfc_sarah]

oh God hun this must be ever so difficult for you. Sorry I cant offer any advice, only hugs Im afraid

xx

Same for me

 

[sazzylou]

thats awful sorry, no advice, but wanted to give you these

 

[GBLiz]

firstly im sure you know that her outburst is to do with her and her problems and NOTHING that makes you a bad parent....

Personally I would just keep out of her way and let your partner update her on the pregnancy

 

[happy-chick]

What a difficult situation to be in but you shouldnt feel guilty for being pregnant hun Not really got any advice sorry

 

[loz]

Have some of these OCD is quite a serious mental health problem so she probably isnt in control of herself as much. Nevertheless, you dont need to have extra stress at this time. I would take the previous advice and try and avoid spending too much time with her at the moment. Your OH can be in touch with her. She is probably grieving about not having a child but it is not your fault she has OCD, she must have anxiety probably stemming from something else in the past. She may have focused on your pregnancy but there will be a much deeper routed problem going on.

 

[muppetmummy]

I don't know what to suggest hun. It sounds like an awful situation to be in.
You have no need to feel guilty about being pregnant.
She shouldn't be so horrible to you but if she's suffering from mental health problems she probably can't help herself

 

[Hazel]

I was ttc for 3 years and it's very difficult when you see friends and family having babies. I was on a lot of different fertility drugs so was depressed and avoided family gatherings as we have had a lot of pregnancies in the past few years and I think some of my family thought I was being rude and stuck up which wasn't the case at all.

I would just let her come to you when she is ready as I found it worse seeing someone that was pregnant or when the baby was very little and try to understand why she may seem to be acting unreasonably some times. There is nothing that you can do and it's something she needs to work out in her own mind.

 

[sarah2807]

Aww sorry to hear this hun-it must be very hard for you.
I have a friend who has suffered lots of bad news recently and is suffering from severe depression and she is the same as your friend in the sense that she isn't at all interested in my pregnancy and is sometimes quite rude and talks over me when I mention something, never asks about scans etc-i don't know what to suggest tho chick-I'm trying to ignore it all as I guess if she wasn't going through all this she might not treat me like that????

Hope you get it sorted

 

[Becs]

I'm sure you are being as sensitive as possible towards her. It would be nice if she could extend the same curtisy. She is totaly out of order!

I would try to prepare yourself that this is how she is and perhaps don't totaly button your lip next time. She has no right to judge you as a Mother based on her( own (diagnosed) out of proportion issues.

You are even being sensitive enough to ask for help here. It's very clear to me who the bigger person is. I'm sorry that this person is so close to you and therefore not easy to ignore.

 

[Geordie&Bairn]

ah hun
i know what your going through
hope you dont maind me sharing my experiance

6 months after i lost my little pengiun Both my Sisters fell pregnant at the same time

it hurt like hell when my Sister Tina rang to tell me she was pregnant i was very happy for her but terribly sad that it wasnt me.

then a few days later my Mam rang me to tell me my Sister Melanie was pregnant too
Mam told me Melanie was to scared to tell me herself as she didnt want to hurt me.
i broke down i fell to the floor and howled compleatly lost it the pain was intense.
James couldnt console me he tried but i pushed him away.
i felt bad for my reaction but it couldn help it i wanted to be them.

anyway over time i came to except and look forward to being an Auntie and the first time i met my Niece and Nephew i fell compleatly in love with them both.
and adored being an Auntie
any jealousy evaporated as soon as i met Taylor and Alexander. i was a proud Auntie

I hope your sister will feel the same sweetie
Just be there for her if she will let you but dont let her get away with being so rude and insensitive it is not your fault she cant get pregnant
my sister's felt at first they could not tell me what was happening but in the end I WANTED to know
they both kept me in the loop and yes it still hurt it wasnt me but
i love my sisters

it must be hard for your sister but you have to think about you and your baby let her know how you are keep her up to date
But if she shuts you out then mabye give her the space to come around to the situation on her own

im sure your sister will come around and enjoy being an Auntie too and i'll keep my fingers crossed that your sister will soon make you an Anutie in return.

lol sarah

 

[flowergirl]

It's a really difficult time for both you and your SIL. I can't imagine how tough it must be to be TTC for such a long time- it must be so frustrating and upsetting and it must make it very difficult to be around pregnant women and those who have small babies.

Having said that, I am in total agreement that you should not be subjected to public abuse because you are doing what is perfectly normal and natural. I believe that your SIL is out of order in this respect and should be more sensitive to your needs as you are to hers. I agree with the comment someone else made about OCD being a serious mental health problem and that really there is much more to this story than meets the eye. Unfortunately you are within easy striking distance and an easy scapegoat at the moment.

Maintain contact- the flowers and card idea was a nice one- and give your SIL the space she evidently needs. I would keep contancting her every few weeks- a depressed person is a very selfish person usually, whether they mean to be or not and are therefore unlikely to have the mental strength or courage to keep contact with you.

Have some of these honey

 

[tots hope]

Thankyou ladies for all your replies,

I think i am just going to leave it for te time being and see what happens nearer the time. I can't begin to understand what she is going through but i hope it all works out in the end.

Thank you ladies x x x