Not coping

[Cookie84]

I miscarried 10 days ago and I don't think I'm coping. Feel so sad and my emotions are up and down like crazy. I'm back at work and my teammate is 8 months pregnant and about to go on maternity leave. I was asked to sign her card today and it made me feel so upset. Just feel lonely as family and friends are being supportive but just feel no one really understands how I feel.

 

[MrsS15]

Hi cookie,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had 2 early losses and they cut so deep, even now I think about them and can remember the pain. I never thought I'd get by it and find it in myself to carry on. It's so raw for you right now but you will get there! Being around other pregnant women or hearing news is so difficult, I never found that easy at any point and after a loss was much worse. A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time as me and I'm ashamed to say after I lost my pregnancy I avoided her the rest of hers. It does get better hun, you have to be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Can you take any more time off work?

Sending you a hug xxx

 

[candymycandy]

Sorry for your loss cookie. I suffered an early one and last year one at 12 weeks. The first one was my hardest emotionally so know how you're feeling. It feels awful now but I promise things do get easier with time, you'll never forget of course. I found when I was ready to ttc again it gave me a new focus. I agree with MrsS could you get some more time away from work if you think that would be helpful? Are you finding time time to take care of yourself? x

 

[Cookie84]

Thank you for your kind words MrsS15, it's so nice to hear from someone who gets the way I feel. I'm so sorry for your losses, that must have been awful for you, can I ask if you are still trying now? I can't imagine going through this again, but I know I will want to try again at some point, but I'm so scared now. I don't think you should feel at all ashamed,but I get what you mean. It is so painful to see someone having a seemingly effortless pregnancy at work every day. I seem to be noticing babies and pregnant women in the street more than ever and I'm just so jealous of them! And I hate myself for being so resentful if them! Don't think I can take much more time off, had all last week and two days the previous week when the symptoms started and I had an early scan. Just trying to struggle through! Could do with a holiday though! Big hugs to you, I hope you are getting support from your loved ones xox

 

[Cookie84]

Thank you Candymycandy. So sorry for your losses, that must have been so sad for you. I don't know if I can take much more sick leave without it being an issue although my manager has been great. I may go on holiday with my husband at some point to get away from reality for a while! At the time of my miscarriage I vowed I wouldn't try again but I've totally changed my mind and although I'm terrified I can't stop thinking that I want my baby and I just can't seem to think of anything else at the moment. But I also know I should give myself time to heal emotionally and physically, but nothing else really interests me at the moment. I always thought career was important to me but when I discovered I was pregnant I was so excited and finally felt content for a short period of time. I'm sending you big hugs, are you still trying at the moment? Xxxx

 

[MrsS15]

After over 2 years ttc I'm now 10 weeks pregnant and everything looks good so far on both scans I've had. I really never thought I'd get here, I'd cry all the time to my husband that I'd never get my baby. I felt like everyone was getting pregnant and having no problems yet we'd waited years and it wasn't happening for us. It did make me very bitter! I struggled to start ttc again after the first one, my heart wasn't in it at all. After the second I got straight back to it. Do whatever you feel is right for you hun but be kind to yourself. People who've never had a loss can never understand how it feels, it's not just the pregnancy being taken away but your plans for the future. There's so many amazing ladies on here who've had recurrent losses and are either well into their pregnancy or had their rainbow babies. That will be you soon!

Take it easy at work and do whatever you need to to get through this. Time does heal lovely xx

 

[Eryinera]

I know how that feels hunny I've had quite a few losses (4) and it does get easier but it cuts like a knife each time. I too avoided a friend who was due the same rime as one of my losses and at as wedding I ran into the loo and cried for like 10.mins as I was put on a table with a newborn. I have been very open about my losses to everyone who will hear. I find talking helps I even wrote a poem it's not a great work if art but I read it from time to time it still makes me cry makes me remember it was a poem of raw emotion and it echos exactly what youre feeling now so don't worry it'd normal. They were my children. Nothing changes that. I saw 3 of the 4 hearts beating on scans. Miscarriage can be such a lonely thing as it's mourning a loss a lot if oeople didn't even know about. Time is a great healer you'll never forget but it will start to hurt less and I've day you will be cradling a new human in your arms and it will make the journey seems worthwhile cruel but worth it.

 

[Cookie84]

Hi MrsS15,

That's so lovely to hear your pregnancy is going well, I wish you all the luck in the world, you deserve it. It's good to hear there is hope as I keep feeling this dread that it just won't ever happen for me and I have friends who are on the third baby which makes me panic and feel I've left it too late! I will probably have a break, try and improve my health a bit and hopefully give myself the best chance, I'm constantly blaming myself for what happened as I'm probably not the healthiest weight I could be as I struggle with Under active thyroid but I'm struggling as have no motivation at the moment as I feel so down, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle I'm in! It's true what you say, it's not just the pain of the loss itself but the sadness that our plans for the future were just snatched away and we had no control over it. Thank you so much for your kind words and all the best to youxxxx

 

[Cookie84]

Hi Eryinera, I'm so sorry for your losses, that must have been so sad for you. I know that feeling! I had a good cry in the loo yesterday after signing my friends card. It's hard as I think my team are just avoiding talking about it so I feel like I can't talk about it at work to anyone so by the time I get home I feel I'm going to burst! That sounds like a good idea writing it down, id love to see your poem. It definitely feels lonely as no one around me really gets it which can be frustrating. Can I ask if you are still trying now? I want to but just scared to go through this again, not sure I'm strong enough xxxxxx

 

[Eryinera]

I've just had my rainbow daughter she's 19 days old now. So with determination you can get there. It took a long time 8 years not trying not preventing the last 4 years of those 8 we were actively trying.
I'll post the link to my poem here
http://www.pregnancyforum.co.uk/miscarriage-support/420014-feeling-raw-rant-sorry.html

It's hard don't push yourself to continue until you're ready. And take folic acid before you start to try. I got told it helps prevent early losses if you have it already in your system at conception by my recurrent miscarriage consultant

 

[Cookie84]

Hi Eryinera, that's great news that you now have your rainbow daughter, i'm so happy for you. That gives me hope for the future. Just wondering did you do anything different this time? I took pregnacare tablets with this first pregnancy and cut out caffeine and all the usual foods you're supposed to avoid. I keep wondering if I could've done something differently.

Your poem is absolutely beautiful and made me cry. It is spot on with how I'm feeling at the moment. My pregnant colleague is leaving tomorrow and I'm actually relieved, I'm dreading all the baby talk tomorrow! I know people don't mean to be tactless but hearing her moan about how tired she is is grating on me, even though I know she obviously is! I just keep thinking you should be so grateful for the gift you will have soon! Hate myself for it but just looking forward to not seeing her for a while!! Xxx

 

[Eryinera]

Totally get it. I was also so carefulwhat I said/how I acted when i had my bump I know one of my friends was and still is ttc.
This time I took extra folic acid. I actually got prescribed 500mg folic which is like 12x normal dose and baby aspirin. I was on aspirin for many reasons I have sn overactive immune system and heart issues I also can't take multi vits as I can't have iron supplements as I have a gene disorder which makes me store too much iron.

But my RMC doctor stressed the importance of having lots of folic acid in your system before conception.

I'm sorry I made you cry x but I hope you know how you're not alone x. I was selling MC badges a few years back and had my poem alongside them and I even got a biker guy opening up to me how he felt and he actually cried even though his loss was 6 years earlier. So many people have felt what your going through its just awful it's such a forbidden grievance. If people had a picture or went to a funeral they would know how to act but to mourn someone yet to be born and all their potentials makes people tiptoe and avoid the subject for some reason. Every time people asked me about my pregnancy I was honest I said "no its not my first I have an 8yr old then I lost 4 now I have this rainbow to look forward to" it hurt after my loas to see "easy pregnancies" so I let it be known that people have difficulties and we should talk about them more!

 

[Cookie84]

Well I got through today with my pregnant team mate's leaving day and her leaving do. Still can't get over how people seem to have no tact when talking about things in front of me but I guess because I'm not showing how I'm feeling maybe people just forget or think I'm over it! I just think I would be alot more sensitive around someone who had just had a miscarriage as you are Eryinera and all you lovely ladies who have experienced loss.

Don't be sorry Eryinera! Your poem made me cry in a good way! I felt better after reading it. You're right, I feel people at work are scared to talk to me about it which makes me feel lonely and like no one is really acknowledging what's happened or I should be ashamed in some weird way. Just wish people would ask me how I am at work or at least acknowledge it but it does seem to be a weirdly taboo subject. I think maybe alot of it is people who haven't been through it just don't understand or know what to say so they just say nothing which is hard. So definitely having a down day today but I'm trying to stay positive and ride the rollercoaster of emotions! You lovely ladies are helping me so much with your words, I'm in awe of your bravery, strength and compassionxxxx

 

[MrsS15]

I'm glad you managed to get through the day hun. Hopefully work won't feel as in your face now! My friend was pregnant at the same time as me and obviously I had a loss and she didn't. She was at times the most insensitive and tactless person ever, she would send me bump pics all the time to the point I'd have to ignore her sometimes. People just don't have a clue! Also, it's totally true people have no idea how to talk about it and are scared to ever bring it up. Or even just say how are you feeling today? It's still such a taboo subject which is so so sad!

I love the way you answer people Nikki, I fully intend to do the same with this baby and answer along the lines of yes I'm pregnant but it took a long hard time to get here and we're so grateful for this little one!

Time really does help cookie, and I hope you decide to start ttc again soon xxx

 

[Eryinera]

Awe thank you girls x
I'm glad today is over got you cookie x it does get easier but it takes time. I remember walking past a heavily pregnant girl every morning standing outside smoking the rage I felt was crazy. You do for through do many emotions. And you're so right taboo is the name for miscarriage. I only found out by talking so frankly about my losses that my gran had a stillborn she told no one about what in found weirdest was people seemed more open your talk to me about what I went through and how sorry they felt force only after Anya was born. I was like thank you but where was your support 3 years ago? It just goes to show that people just don't know how to act around people who have had a miscarriage.

 

[Cookie84]

So I'm feeling alot more positive today. There's no constant reminders of babies at work which is a relief. The main thing that has cheered me up and given me hope is you lovely ladies and your positive, inspiring stories. I chatted with a friend at the weekend and saw it from another perspective, she just said she is scared to say the wrong thing and wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I guess that is how some people who've not experience losing a baby feel. I guess that is true but all anyone has to say is how are you feeling? and acknowledge the loss you have experienced, I think that's all we want is the support and acknowledgement of what we've gone through. I know that's true for me and I like to talk about it, why wouldn't I? Its happened and its affected me and I'm definitely a talker!! I don't like to hide my feelings and I don't feel it should be hidden.

Anyway feeling like I'll definitely want to try again soon, gona make sure my cycles are regular again first and get on top of being healthy. You ladies have made me realise I'm definitely not giving up hope yet. Fingers crossed! xxxxxxx

 

[Eryinera]

Aww that's great news. I hope you're not waiting too long to hold your rainbow x

 

[Flutterby84]

So sorry for your loss, also for the other ladies here. Its such a rollercoaster for sure And having constant reminders of other people's pregnancies and baby's are not easy! I'm happy to read you're feeling a bit better. You will get there mama. There were times I thought I would never be happy again (I lost my daughter at 4 months pregnancy) and I was petrified to try again. But my gorgeous son is playing games as we speak and my other son is in school. Its not an easy road, but if you allow yourself to feel and grieve, you will get there. Wishing you loads of love and light xx

 

[Cookie84]

Thank you so much. I hope so too Eryinera. Bit scared though! Thank you Flutterby, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, that must have been so so sad for you. It's true what you say, I think I'm ok most of the time now but then a baby advert comes on or I see babies when I'm out and I feel that lump in my throat again.

How long did you wait before trying again Flutterby? Did you do anything different? So nice to hear that you have two lovely sons now, it certainly gives me hope! Although I want to try again, I am also terrified of going through another loss, so I'm staying positive but I don't think I'll ever relax and be excited til I actually have my baby in my armsXxxxx

 

[BunnyN]

I totally understand about feeling the pressure of time. I got pregnant for the first time when I was 32 and it ended in an early loss. I was terrified of being too old to get pregnant and at the same time terrified of another loss. I got pregnant again soon after and have had 3 more pregnancies since that. One of them was a loss at 10 weeks. If you had told me back then that I would loose another I think I would never TTC again. The pain is overwhelming and at the time I would have done anything for things to have been different but now have three beautiful children aged 4, 2.5 and 5 months. As strage as it sounds sounds, looking back I wouldnt change anything. I still grieve my lost babies but the pain isnt raw like it was. My MCs are a part of my life which changed me forever, not all in bad ways. Those babies will always be a part of my life but without going through the losses I wouldnt have the three beautiful children that I have. Sorry I am rambling. I guess when I was going through it it helped just to read other peoples stories and feelings. There will still be good days and bad days but eventually although you will never forget life will feel right again.