not coping at all

[katsmith80]

hello again!!

i'm having a terrible time and i don't think i can cope anymore. my boyfriend has decided to take a job a long way from the town we live in and he seems to have made his mind up that we won't be able to keep our relationship going with him living away. it's absolutely killing me!!

I told him that I'd start looking for a job in the same area but he told me not to bother. I don't know what to do or say to him.

A month ago I was pregnant with his baby and he was over the moon, talking about our future together. Then I was admitted to hospital with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and had to have surgery to have our baby cut out of me, losing a fallopian tube at the same time. that was only three weeks ago.

I know that he is being a coward and running away rather than actually dealing with the problem and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

I'm going to go to the doctors tomorrow to get a sick note and see if I can get some counselling. I don't feel that I'm going to be able to recover from this, I'm at my wit's end and I'm scared!!!

 

[xrachx]

aww hun. i am sorry to hear that.x
hope you can get some counselling and get things sorted

 

[tracey 2]

hi hun firstly i want to send you a huge hug you really need it

im sorry you are having a rough time at the moment and the las thing you need is for your partner to go off and leave you to deal with the grief of losing a baby by yourself.

im sure he is feeling as lost and confused as you are and he seems to want his own space which doesnt help i know but maybe once he has a chance to clear his head he may start to open up a bit and maybe you can try to sort things out but before any of that you need to focus on yourself.

going to the doc and getting counselling is a really good positive step to take, please dont feel scared they are there for you to talk to and to listen to you, we all deal with grieve in different ways and im glad your seeking help.

is there anyone in your family you can talk to or a close friend about everything? sometimes it can help

i do hope your ok and let us know how you get on hun, PM me anytime if you need anything

take care

 

[katyk]

omg your boyf is being so unhelpful- I hope he makes it up to you soon

 

[puppylove]

Im so sorry ur having a hard time i really dotn know wot to say i just awanna send lots of ur way

 

[kiki]

Take care of yourself!!

 

[babydust]

maybe he just need time, most men are terrible at dealing with emotions and the easier option is for them to push us away rather than opening up and dealing with it, give him time he may change his mind.
Here are some

 

[fynemum]

Firstly

I am sorry you have lost the baby, and also you have had a very serious operation that has also left you physically and emotionally scared....

I think you going for some council ling is the best thing you can do for yourself at the moment.... You need to look after you just now.

I think Claire is spot on..... Men can be very poor at dealing with their emotions... running away at times......... This may be HIS way of dealing with his loss and not being able to help you with yours. Maybe he does need space, But you need support.

Please go see your GP... tell him/her everything and ASK for help and support.....

come here too, I know without these ladies I wouldn't have been able to heal.... No matter what happens in our future's, know people do care and will be there for you.
Take care, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.
Lv Yvonne xx

 

[floppit]

I'm not surprised you're at your wits end - that sounds so harsh.

I think you're doing the wisest thing in trying to get some help through this, it shows you're stronger than you think - by the sound of it alot stronger than your partner.

I've used counselling a few times and it has worked out really well for me. My husband was very ill and for different reasons but none the less I'd started to feel very much how you describe - I didn't see how I could cope at all. Getting help was the best thing I could have done, I also took anti depressants to ease physical feelings of anxiety and to ward off falling apart completely while I juggled being the bread winner, worry and alot of care.

Get stuck in helping yourself - don't look further than that right now. Like when there's a huge hill to climb, sometimes it helps just to look at your feet one step at a time till you get somewhere before looking up (if that makes sense?).

 

[mum&2girls]

aww hun if you need a chat anytime just pm me or are you on msn just pm me i will quite happily talk to you luv rach

 

[katsmith80]

thank you all so much for the support it is helpful.

I went to the doctors who prescribed me with a mild sedative to help me sleep at night and has referred me for counselling.

Luckily, I have a very understanding boss who has been wonderful about me having more time off work. I think I got so involved with my physical recovery that I neglected my emotional recovery and with my OH behaving like a jerk, i think I had a bit of a breakdown.

Talking of him, OH has turned down that job after he realised just how much it had upset me. He has decided not to move away and we are trying to work things out. I don't think he realises that he has lost my trust and I think it is an easy thing to lose but takes alot of work to gain it back.

We have spent an awful lot of time talking things over but he says that when he realised just how much i didn't want him to go (neither did his mum) then he couldn't leave me. He was willing to give up his family, friends and even his evening job but the one thing he couldn't leave behind was me.

We shall see, hey??

 

[babydust]

it sounds like you are on the road to recovery, Take time and look after yourself, Im glad your oh has decided not to go, i think when a couple suffer m/c it really tests their strength together hopefully yous will sort things out and be an even stronger couple, that is the only good thing that has come out of my 4 losses me and dh are much stronger than i ever though possible, i hope yous get there.

 

[pammie]

Hi there

Here is a little bit of my story that goes to show men dont know how to show there feelings all the time,
June last year I had a misscarriage and O/h was so closed towards me that we split up engagenent ring and everything where given back to him, after about two months of barly speaking he took me away as i wasnt coping very well (to be honest i was shocked he noticed) well long story short we got married june just gone and although i have had a second miscarriage am not going to let us go the same way as i understand now that men get scared too.

Its good to hear you to are getting back on track and i hope you sort things out and dont forget the physical rest and the emotional rest is as important as each other

Pam xx

 

[jenna]

 

[katsmith80]

Pammie: thanks for sharing that with me, it certainly gives me hope. My OH seems like a changed man over the last few days - he has never been so loving or attentive before.

Its like he needed to see how upset I was at the prospect of him leaving. I think he needed some kind of reassurance about the way I feel about him after everything that has happened. Does that make sense?

The thought of him leaving was made worse because I only have one fallopian tube now after the removal of the baby and my chances of having a baby have been reduced by half. I honestly thought he saw me as damaged goods.

We have done alot of soul searching and the counselling is going very well for me and is helping me come to terms with it all. We both want to try again fo a a baby as soon as possible, but I have to let me body heal first from the surgery.

He knows how much he has hurt me though and that will take awhile to get over.

 

[pammie]

Its good that your talking about it now and sorting it out,
I think that is what most men need............ SHOCK THERAPY some times they need a jolt to realise how bad they are making us feel
My D/h got one the other day when he found my crying because there where no potatoes and it all spilled out about how am so tierd from trying to be happy for everyone elses sake and all i want to do is curl up and cry and sleep but people seem to think i should be over it, it has only been 3 weeks he has become more understanding again after that.

I phoned up the women emergancy room as they told me to do a test two weeks after my hormone check and give them the results which i did and the woman was very helpful she gave me information about orgonisations that can help and also said if i feel no one is listening or if i think no one wants to listen they are always there even if it is 2 in the morning 6 months from now, so of i was crying again.

It is amazing how men do things and never realise the extent of the damage that can be done i can garuntee he never thought of you as damaged goods but because of the situation that is the way it was interperated it probably never crossed the mans mind.

Am glad the counsiling is going well, i think we sometimes need a third party just to listen and give bits of advice.

I wish you all the luck in the world and dont lose hope, enjoy the paractise and i will keep my fingers crossed for you.
If you ever need to PM me to let of steam rant or just say hi you can

Good luck
Pam xx