newbie in town

[Kay Kay]

Hi, this is my first time on here, just at the end of my tether and felt it would be good to share with others going through the same thing. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have been ttc for 20 months.

I've had the initial checks, blood tests, ovulation and my OH has had his tests and all normal. After a 6 month wait we attended our first ACS appointment this week at the hospital. All they did was speak to us for ten minutes and do an internal scan on me which looked fine. Oh and OH did another sperm test which was fine. Were now on a 5 month waiting list for me to have an xray to make sure my fallopian tubes aren't blocked. At the same time were on a 12 month waiting list for IUI.

I'm just so frustrated that after a 6 month wait were now on another waiting list, seemed like our GP could have asked the same questions. She only did the internal scan because I mentioned I'm aware of a nagging pain on my right ovary from time to time which the doc says is prob just ovulation pain.

It seems like we are headed for the unexplained infertility route. Is it wrong of me to almost wish there was something wrong so there's an opportunity to fix it? I think I've slowly been coming to terms with the fact it might never happen for us but can feel myself slipping in and out if depression. I'm the type of person who is (almost) always able to go about my day and to put a fake smile on when Im crying inside but there are times I can feel the pressure coming to the surface. The only people I can talk openly to are my OH and a close friend who has struggled to conceive herself (she's now pregnant). I do at times feel like I'm lying to my mum and other friends but I just can't talk about it to them. I hate sympathy and am riddled with feelings of shame and failure. I know I have nothing to feel ashamed about but none of what I'm feeling is rational I suppose.

I know there's others out there going through the same would be nice to hear your thoughts.
Thanks Kay Kay x

 

[DaisyPurple]

Hi,
Just wanted to let you know, there are many more of us here in the same situation, welcome to the forum, xx hopefully you will find us a great source of support xxx

apologies for typing/punctuation errors, my phone has a mind of its own.. via tapatalk x

 

[laurat]

Oh honey, sorry to hear your story. I completely empathise with you on the lOng waiting it is so frustrating! I am glad we have the NHS but at times like this it just seems so unfair!

I know its probably a silly question but have you been using opk or the fertility monitor or anything to fully maximise your chance of coneption. I only ask as for over a year I was just blussfully having unprotected sex and the 2nd cycle of actually 'proper trying' I got pregnant. Ignore all this if you have.

Were all in the waiting game here so hopefully be a bit of comfort to you in the meantime!

 

[Spinneygirl]

Hi Kay Kay and welcome to PF. Everyone is very friendly and someone is always around to offer help and support xxx

 

[nicky1987]

Hey hun, there are plenty of us here for you to have a chat too when your feeling down! Sometimes its alot easier to talk about how you feel on here rather than with you oh or close friends and family. chin up chick xxxx

 

[kirstymichelle]

Hya Kay Kay ,

You've come to the right place to talk and get out emotions that you would usually guard in the 'real world' and there are a lot of knoweledgable(sp) women on here

I want to wish you ll the luck in the world x

 

[Chazabell]

Welcome to PF hun, we are all here for ANYTHING you want to talk about. Just look back at older posts to see what we have all been through. Think positive

xx

 

[Drummers_wife]

Hi Kay Kay welcome to LTTTC x

As the girls said were always here for a rant, cuddle or jus someone to take your mind off things x
There's always someone going through similar things so great sense of "I'm not alone" x x x x

Pm me anytime x x x

 

[sarah1]

Hi welcome to the forum, everyone here is great and even though we all get pretty down sometimes its great to have each other and everyone seems to have a great sense of humour too! Anytime you want to chat or rant feel free. Know what you mean about not having anyone to talk to - only me and my OH and a faraway friend know our situation, the words just don't come out when you want to tell your parents etc do they?! Take care and speak soon! xxx

 

[Kay Kay]

Hi ladies, just got home from work and your kind comments have reduced me to tears. It's (unfortunately!) that time of the month again and I'm afraid I'm a bit of a weeper! Even at the best of times! Lol

It really means a lot to me that you took the time to show support, it is so sweet of you. I already feel a bit better. Although I wouldn't wish a fertility struggle on my worst enemy it is a comfort to know I'm not alone.

Laurat in answer to your question (which isn't a silly question at all!) I've been checking my ov with the little tester sticks since March 2010. My cycle can vary from 27 days to 43 days, the average being 34. The only constant is I get a period every month but check ov since its different every month. At one point I was driving myself a bit nuts with the tests and my friend (the one who was ttc for 3yrs and who thankfully is now pregnant) strongly suggested that I stop testing every month, it was like she was talking me off the ledge! She was like 'step away from the strips! You need to stop!' And I did for a month but it drove me even crazier not knowing when to expect my period! So probably like a lot of you checking ov is part of my life now and makes me feel like I have just a little bit of control over things.

I have read quite a few threads and I'm interested in everyone's stories. It's a journey I never thought I would be on, even all the time my friend was ttc and breaking her heart to me (at that time I wasn't ttc) I never thought I would go through anything similar. I even made the mistake of telling some friends in work when I first started ttc cos I was so excited and honestly thought it would happen within a few months. I regret that now as I can see pity in their eyes whenever someone in the office announces they're pregnant. - which is every other day in my work! I have perfected my happy face no matter how I'm feeling as I don't want to end up bitter and not able to share in someone else's happy and amazing news. I never knew jealousy until about a year ago and I was angry at myself for feeling that way! Now I realise its probably normal and I'm not a hateful person, just frustrated!

Hopefully we will get to know each other better and thanks again for your messages Xxx

 

[DaisyPurple]

x have you ever thought about trying agnus castus? To shorten and regulate long cycles? Xx

 

[Kay Kay]

I'm not sure what that is daisy? I'm taking a high dose of evening promise oil from the first day of my cycle until ovulation. It's only been a few months but it does seem to be making them a bit shorter. How is your cycle if you don't mind me asking? X

 

[hayels]

hello and welcome everyone is really nice here xx

 

[Blondie Em]

Hello!

I know exactly how you're feeling, especially with the lack of people to talk to and the feeling of failure. I have a son who's 15 and I just assumed that we would fall pregnant straight away. The journey from starting TTC to now has been very emotional and made more difficult by the fact that I chose not to tell people and at times when I was quite emotional, people must have thought I was a blummin raving lunatic!

You're perfectly normal, as are your emotions. The waiting is horrendous but I just kept thinking that every day and week that we get closer to our appointments, is a step in the right direction and at least we weren't still blindly TTC thinking it'll happen this month. I wish we'd sought help sooner but we didn't and I'd rather know that there is an issue so we can deal with it.

I haven't been on here for ages but will look our for you when I'm on and if you ever need a rant, whinge or moan, you can offload on me. I'm a good listener (or readerin this case lol) may not have the answers but I understand what you're feeling and can at least offer reassurance that you're not losing the plot x x x Or if you are, we both are together lol!

 

[Jennymarie]

Hi Kay Kay, I'm new to the forum this week too and have already found it a great help. I understand what you say about wishing you knew what was wrong. My OH had his sperm test results this week and they came back with no sperm as the result - we waiting for a 2nd test result. Its heartbreaking to think its not going to be as simple as we thought but at same time at least we know what we are dealing with. I never realised how complicated and varied fertility problems were until I was faced with the problem and reading about all the possibilities is quite daunting.

I decided to speak to my mum and my OH spoke to his sister this week about what we are going through. We have been married 3 years and so had the 'when are you going to have a baby' questions so many times. I didnt really want to but I actually found it a great relief after. It's only once you start talking to other people that you realise how common it actually is.

I hope everything works out for you x

 

[jazzy2]

Hi there, i know exactly how youre feeling i kept ttc very quiet but now that were being refered to the fertility clinic i have started to tell people and i do feel much better however i know what you mean about people lookin at you with pity when somone announces their pregnancy, ive even startred to feel uncomfortable then the subject of babies comes up in convo cos im sure people are looking at me and thinkin "poor sod cant get pregnant". i just feel so frustrated that for so many people its so easy and then for us its a battle which plays on my mind every day, anyway sorry to rant on i guess what im trying to say is youre not on your own xx