Need to get it off my chest.

[Manda]

I read another post this morning which has brought things back into my mind from the pregnancy and i cant get rid of them when i was 11 1/2 weeks i had a really big bleed and passed a lot of tissue i was convinced i passed the baby as there was a tear shape and inside was what looked like a spring which had been stretched which i'm convinced was the umbilical cord and then attached to that was what i thought was the baby. i went to hospital and they thought i'd miscarried too then they scanned me and baby was fine jumping around, when i asked why i'd bled they said it could have been twins and i lost one or it could have been part of the placenta they sent it off to be tested and when they gave me the results just said dont worry about it but didn't tell me what it was, i haven't really thought about it since but then today i read the post about someone passing there baby and didn't know what to do with it and it's just messed my head up i keep thinking about whether Abi would have been a twin and if so what the other would be like. And to top it all off it's almost a year to the day that it happened

It's now 00.15 and cant get this out of my head i feel really down and i'm so far away from everyone i really can't believe i feel like this after all this time, i had a miscarriage 6 months before i caught with Abi and didn't feel like this, it's just hit me all of a sudden.

 

[Anna Marie]

Hi Manda,

first of all sorry for your m/c loss but congrats on becoming a mother to Abi!!!.. the pain can resurface at any time.. we never know when or why and no matter how long ago it was it will always be a memory .. a distant one in time perhaps but nevertheless there is no time limit on grief.

With regards to a possible twin to Abi.. it sounds as if the hospital were perhaps trying to protect you at the time - perhaps by not telling you the results I guess they thought that was best given the circs and not wanting to upset you when you were still at a tenuous stage of pregnancy with a viable baby inside you!!! I can see why they would try to avoid causing you any unnecessary pain and heartache but I also understand your need for answers and frustration at not getting them.

I was in a complete state after my m/c last August and I was one of the many women who did not know what to do.. sadly my bean passed while I was on the toilet and it was too late to do anything with it.. I was devastated after I flushed.. ran to OH screaming and hysterical but it was done.. I guess I just automatically flushed and only when I stood and pressed the flush button did I realise what was there in front of me.. it was awful. So the next day OH and I planted a little Acer tree in our garden as a memento.. whenever I feel sad about it all [which is still quite often!] I go and stand next to it and sometimes have a little chat with it!! On the "what would have been.." due date in March I planted a lock of my own hair at the root of the Acer and intend to do this every year until I feel I don't need to.. if ever...

I know its not the same as burying a lost bean but it was all I could do in the situation.. maybe you could do something similar in memory of your m/c loss and so that you have a little something that you can focus your thoughts on when you feel this way.

It is natural for you to feel down.. even though you don't really know what happened.. and never will... try not to imagine the worse.... you have a wonderful baby girl and if there was a twin then he / she was just too poorly to make it.. I know its harsh but sometimes we never know why we just have to try to move on.. it takes time.. and even now at 22 weeks preg I still feel sadness and anguish over my m/c's [I have had 3] so BIG HUGS to you and I hope that you feel better.. i bet when you look into your daughter's eyes and see all the love and happiness you will feel differently about everything.. the world can be a cruel place and nature sometimes is unfair but sadly we cannot control it...

take care xxxx

 

[Manda]

Thanks Anna marie feeling lot better today, can't believe how quick it came on i felt so down i just led on bed crying most of the night, i'm moving back to the UK in 5weeks so have requested my medical records anyway as i had problem pregnancy and birth so will have to see what the notes say, maybe this is another reason it hit me so hard the other day cos that was the day i filled in the forms for my notes and i'm hoping that one way or another i'll know for sure, i keep picturing what i think was the baby though can't get it out of my head

Thanks again for replying
Manda x

 

[BubbleOne]

Have only just read this post Manda.

Sorry to hear about you feeling down about what happened.
I guess maybe you will never know the truth? Or will it definately be in your medical records?
I hope that whatever you find out or don't find out that you can move on and be truely happy

We're all here for you xxx