My Weakness Has Returned...

[dannii87]

*Edited: It was waaaaay too long and have included an update from today!*

OK, I don't often speak about my ex (Ash) because if I ever talk about him, I end up thinking about him for weeks afterwards until I read that he's with someone or going away with the lads and I remember that there is no hope. We met when we worked part time at our local shop when I was 16, we started to become very close friends and spent all our time together, then we officially got together and we were together for almost 3 years.

I went through a bit of depression I think, not even sure what it was over or anything but I ended it. I did treat him pretty badly towards the end, I'd break up with him, he'd tell me he loved me and that I was his world and refused to leave until he changed my mind and then I'd have got my "feel good fix" and we'd get back together. He eventually started to not play the games anymore and whenever I'd say I didn't think it was working so that I'd get a bit of affection he'd say "OK that's fine" knowing that I'd coming running back.

After we split, Ash got his life back on track and yet mine was crumbling, I only had to think about him and I'd cry or get upset... I still do now, I can shut off for maybe 3 or 4 days and then I'll think about him again. I've been like this for a year!! We met up again in September and he told me he secretly enjoyed watching my cry while he said "Hmmm I don't think there'll ever be another chance for us Dan, you hurt me too much" I tried SO hard to get back with him but he was enjoying single life too much. That's when me and Gray got together (blah blah).

Anyway, my "I hate men" attitude is completely false I've recently realised Ash emailed me the other day (Red: Me, Blue: Ash) All copied and pasted lol.

"Hello. How's things?"

Hiya, nice to hear from you. How are you? Hope you're ok.

Yeah things are going ok thanks. Planning life as a singleton lol I've given up on men now completely! How's things on the "love" front for you?

I was only talking about you yesterday. One of the girls at work knows your family, Lucie Chamberlain? They're from Potton..

Anyway, hope you're ok, and it is really nice to hear from you xx

yeah im good thanks, just passed my first electical exam. i work as a electrician now love it.

love front dunno really kinda seeing this girl clare but im not looking for anythin serious. i like being sinlge to much lol. we'll jus see what happens suppose.

oh yeah? think i know her. how did u get talkin bout me?

hows things going with the baby?

x

Oh well done!! That's wicked news. Bet you actually LIKE going to work now!

Hang on a minute, you sent that message at 7:40 IN THE MORNING! You crazy fool, hungover?

Ah that's good, as long as you're enjoying yourself it doesn't matter ) I am happy for you that you're happy.

Just randomly, if someone says something like "I went to Alton Towers" I say something like "I've been there - Ash took me" or "when me and Ash did this.." etc and I said the other day "Ash's Mum does dog grooming" and Lucie asked what your surname was and she said "all this time you've talked about Ash and I bloody know him!!" It was wierd!

The baby lol... OK, well I'm 30 weeks, got 10 weeks to go now, it's a girl, I'm calling her Evie, her "Sperm Donor" as I like to call him lol hasn't been in touch since New Year so he doesn't want anything to do with her so it wasn't very nice at first but he's definitely not going to be suddenly turning up on the doorstep... I guess it's just a case of getting on with it and doing my best. Not ideal in the slightest but we'll manage I'm sure.

Hope everything else is going well for you. It is really nice to hear from you )

xx

Who the f*ck is Reece?! (Army ex) I've completely dropped him now because of this "old flame" - I haven't even thought about him once!

I'm absolutely crumbling here... Can't believe this is happening and part of me HATES Ash for contacting me again, he KNOWS how much it hurts me when we talk again, only for me to later realise he was "just wondering how I am and doesn't want to meet up for a chat"

Now he's contacted me, I'm checking my emails constantly, I even set my alarm this morning for 8am to check them because I know he goes to football at 9am

I genuinely believe that I am "meant" to be with Ash and that if there was ever the chance to be with him I wouldn't even hesitate. I questioned Reece, I've admitted how worried I am about relationships, and yet, here is a bloke who I am head over heels for STILL and I would happliy drop everything to just be with him again.

I know what love is, I just didn't nurture ours the way it needed to be nurtured I let it fall apart and however much Ash tried to stop it, I actually let it and I am so angry with myself - it's my biggest regret in life.

Just needed to get it all off my chest... xx

*UPDATE*

I emailed Ash today (after no reply to my last message) saying;

Hello again,

I'm just replying again because this has been playing on my mind (you contacting me so out of the blue like this)...

It's really hard for me to hear from you knowing that it's not going to lead anywhere and that it'll end on "ok, well take care of yourself and good luck with everything".

You know how I feel, I know you do. Nothing's changed. I absolutely adore you still and if you said to me tomorrow "let's try again" I wouldn't even hesitate and you know it! Fact is, I KNOW that's not going to happen, but there's part of me that holds that hope and it always will. So to still have "inbox empty" after what feels like a life time of waiting for a reply (lol OMG how sad am I sounding right now!?) is devastating for me!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know there is no hope for us ever to even try to sort things out and see how things go, I know there isn't, but when I hear from you I can't help it but those feelings come flooding back of missing you, loving you, realising how IN LOVE I was (and still am) with you etc and it hurts so badly to feel that again Then of course the guilt of everything comes back and it's just horrible. I really couldn't explain it properly if I tried.

See, I don't think you realise that this is going to take weeks to get over now. Even just a quick hello message has an affect on me which makes it hard to get through an hour without thinking about you!

Basically, only contact me if you're going to suggest us running away together to Gretna Green and getting married lol!! I'm joking! But you know what I mean? Hope so..

Sorry, I know you were probably "just seeing how I am" but when I check my facebook every 5 mins to see if you've replied really gets me upset.

I'm sorry, you're probably thinking "WTF?" but if I don't say all this now, I'll just keep checking my messages constantly in the hope that you ask to meet up or something...

xx

He then came online and said "hello, I've just got your message on Facebook Dan" and by the time I'd finished speaking to my Mum and read his message, he'd gone offline again!

I think this will be the last bit of communication between us now... There's no way he'll reply x

 

[Tadpole]

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this.

I don't really know what to advise. Is it possible though that you are feeling like this because Gray was such a sh*t? I mean that in the nicest way but if Gray had stuck around and wanted to be with you and Evie would you still have such strong feelings for Ash?

It may well be that you & Ash ARE meant to be together but tbh hun I think you are setting yourself up to be even more upset. Men's minds are stange things. He may just be making a friendly enquiry, he may just be being nosy or he may want to get back in contact with you. I hate hearing you sound so upset and wish i could wave a wand and make it all okay. Trust me though when I say thaat the right person WILL come along. It may be Ash or it may be someone ele - who blows him right out of the water.

Sorry - I'm not much help I know. In the meantime have lots and lots of these.

And remember - you are a beautiful, funny, kind person with a gorgeous daughter on the way. Any man worth his salt would count his blessings to have you in his life. Those who can't see that - well pfft.

 

[dannii87]

Aww thank you Tadpole!

Well he's been online several times today because he's commented on people's pics etc and he hasn't replied.. I assume that's it for contact again for another few months until he decides to get me all worked up again when he contacts me

 

[zebrastripes]

Do you think you might be romanticising him a wee bit? Because he was your first love and all? Back in the days when the sun was brighter and kisses tasted of strawberries,blah blah blah? cause I know I'd be like that

Because people do usually have a soft spot for the person they were with when they were young, and hope that they'll live together happily ever after, but of course it doesn't always happen

I think you're in too much of a vulnerable position at the minute. You've been treated terribly by Sperm Donor, you're 30 weeks pregnant which can be so frightening and isolating even if you're married to the love of your life or whatever. It's natural that you're going to lean towards something which you maybe would feel secure with- someone who you feel would give you love and support at a time when you need it so much.

"until I read that he's with someone or going away with the lads and I remember that there is no hope."

That says it all, to me. At the minute, he is out being your typical lad. I'm sure he's a lovely guy, and he probably has some very fond memories of the time you spent together, but who doesn't like the feeling that their ex still cares for them? The knowledge that when they like, they can recieve that little ego boost? It sounds to me like he's playing you around a bit "look who I am now, look what you've lost" etc

Something may happen in the future between you. My advice would be: leave it for now. If you're fated to be together, so to speak, then it'll happen. However for now I think you should go on the bases that it will not, and hopefully this will mean you can move on with your life and concentrate on yourself for a while Plus in another few weeks, you will meet your little girl, and have so much love for her that there won't be room for a bloke

For now, I think you should file Ash away as a happy youthful memory, and move on, eventually you will find someone who deserves you, and treat you the way you should be treated. You are a brilliant person, and you should never settle for second best.

 

[dannii87]

I tried to make it shorter but it's still bloody long lol!

Thank you Zebra, you are so wise and intelligent it's incredible. Thank you, I'll take that on board and a huge part of me thinks you are totally right...

xx

 

[Krystal]

Dannii I think ZS has given you wise words.

And on that note I hope you don't mind me saying ZS you are wise beyond your years girl!

 

[MissSara]

Do you think you might be romanticising him a wee bit? Because he was your first love and all? Back in the days when the sun was brighter and kisses tasted of strawberries,blah blah blah? cause I know I'd be like that

Because people do usually have a soft spot for the person they were with when they were young, and hope that they'll live together happily ever after, but of course it doesn't always happen

I think you're in too much of a vulnerable position at the minute. You've been treated terribly by Sperm Donor, you're 30 weeks pregnant which can be so frightening and isolating even if you're married to the love of your life or whatever. It's natural that you're going to lean towards something which you maybe would feel secure with- someone who you feel would give you love and support at a time when you need it so much.

"until I read that he's with someone or going away with the lads and I remember that there is no hope."

That says it all, to me. At the minute, he is out being your typical lad. I'm sure he's a lovely guy, and he probably has some very fond memories of the time you spent together, but who doesn't like the feeling that their ex still cares for them? The knowledge that when they like, they can recieve that little ego boost? It sounds to me like he's playing you around a bit "look who I am now, look what you've lost" etc

Something may happen in the future between you. My advice would be: leave it for now. If you're fated to be together, so to speak, then it'll happen. However for now I think you should go on the bases that it will not, and hopefully this will mean you can move on with your life and concentrate on yourself for a while Plus in another few weeks, you will meet your little girl, and have so much love for her that there won't be room for a bloke

For now, I think you should file Ash away as a happy youthful memory, and move on, eventually you will find someone who deserves you, and treat you the way you should be treated. You are a brilliant person, and you should never settle for second best.

By far better than any reply i could ever give you, WOW........lol, and soooooo right.
Maybe i isnt such a bad thing if you hear nothing now from him, as you don't want to be messed up with emotions with Evie being so close to being in your arms.

 

[HideiLu]

Exactly what Zebra says!

I have someone like this in my past, and I keep my distance as I don't want all those feelings to confuse how my life is now.

I can't really put it better than zebra, but you always know where I am if you need to talk...god knows you've done your fair share of listening to me over these past months.

Thinking of you hun

 

[Mildly]

Just wanted to send hugs. First loves are always difficult to get over. I say if he doesn't reply, then he doesn't deserve you

 

[lfc_sarah]

Just wanted to give a

 

[nori]

I too agree with Zebra. Its very easy to think back to your first love when you've been treated badly by other men. I do believe things happen for a reason and there would have been reasons why you both split up in the first place.

I think you have said what you needed to and you really must now leave it. If hes seeing someone else (be it on a casual basis) then hes clearly moving on. It hurts like hell but thats life (it can be harsh)

You WILL meet someone else and move on too. A relationship break up is like a greiving process.. it takes time. You WILL get there.

Concentrate on your pregnancy and your little one now. Thats all that matters.

Claire x