My partner is drinking too much - advise please!

[Jen & Her Men]

My Fiance and I have been together almost for 1 year and during this time we have gone out a lot and enjoyed a drink. We said long before I got pregnant that we need to cut down as he has been desperate for kids and I said that we needed to cut down on alcohol if we were going to get pregnant as I come from a childhood where my biological dad and step dad were both heavy drinkers and I didnt want my child growing up in that environment because its horrible! He agreed but I fell pregnant nearly immediatley after this. Of course I stopped drinking straight away and havent touched a drop since but he just keeps carrying on. Its really really horrible sitting watching him get drunk most nights. It s made me realise that its not just that he enjoys it but almost dependant on it which is worrying and also to be honest very unappealing.
I have talked to him about this time and time again. We ended up having a huge argument on Sunday as he went out drinking for 2 hours Sunday afternoon and came home steaming drunk. He can be very short tempered when he is this drunk and his personality changes - never violent but a bit aggressive and not like the man I love at all. I got v v v upset and he promised he wouldnt drink again. But every night since then he has gone on about having a drink ( although he hasnt) until last night when we had a big chat about why I didnt want him drinking - not just for the baby but also for me and his health and how he can change and how its not nice for me to see him like that. He said ok, then I went to bed as I was v tired and he was really pushing me to go upstairs. This morning I come down to find 3 empty beer bottles in the kitchen and he said he had had "just 3" last night and I didnt mind did I? THen he apologised and said he wouldnt do it again and told me not to go on! So now I dont know what to do - its as though he was shifting me off to bed asap so he could have a beer and then thinks that because he has said sorry I should just forgive him! But I feel he has deceived me and I really resent him - as a mother you have to sacrifice so much - surely he can give up beer for the sake of his wife to be and unborn child?? It takes two to create the baby and just because its me that carries it and not him, shouldnt mean that he doesnt take his responsibilities seriously - especially when he was so keen to have one in the first place! He keeps saying he will give up when the baby comes but I think he should be doing it for me and not just for the baby. Can anyone help me? Am I overreacting because Im hormonal??

 

[Manda&Thomas]

my husband was like this untill i pointed out if he doesnt stop drinking so much how can i ever leave him alone with the baby when i pop to the shops ect. i banned him from the pub after he came home one night trashed and said if he ever went to the pub again i would leave and he knows that i will.
also no alchol is to be kept in the house and he can only drink on a weekend and even then its just a few its very unrelisct (sp) to exspect him to stop completly just try to set some rules down about it if you can ask him to put £2.50 in a jar everytime he wants a drink in the pub at the end of the week show him how much is there and ask him if he wants to buy the baby or you somethings nice
anouther thing i did was to put all of his bottle tops and ringpulls in a frezzer bag and kept them on the side after a month i showed him just how much he had drunk and he was shocked that also worked well.
sorry to ramble on lol maybe you can try some of these things with him
hope it helps
manda xx

 

[Jen & Her Men]

Thanks Manda thats really helpful. My fella seems to see drink as either something to reward himself with if something has gone right or console himself with if things are going wrong - therefore there always seems to be a good reason to drink! I like the idea of keeping the bottle tops etc. He is adamant he wont drink when the baby is here but I dont believe it as he is making no efforts now Im pregnant which he promised he would. It just really hurts my feelings as if I had told him I wouldnt do something then went and did it as soon as his back was turned I am sure that he would be more than a little p*ssed off with me but he acts like he has done nothing wrong.
I dont want him to stop drinking completely - just not in the week, I think that is a fair compromise but its getting him to do it!
Thanks for your advice again Manda.
Jen
xx

 

[Manda&Thomas]

yer my bloke was really bad when we first got together im talking 30 cans a night now he has one or two and he was the same there was always a reason to drink weather it be he was bored or something had happened. men all think the same !!!!!
i wish you well with it all
manda xx

 

[leckershell]

Now we've moved in together we have strict set social funds so that we can save money for when little one comes and I go part time, so he can really only go out a few times a week at most or he'll run out of money! Nat's been really good about it all - he had a bit of an anger problem when he was drinking lager so he came off lager, had a couple of anger management sessions, and now drinks bitters or non alcoholic lagers just so he feels like he's having a drink even if he's not.

Nat cut down because he was feeling fat too, and cutting down his drinking meant he's lost weight now and is happier with his body.

The bottle tops is a good idea. Might do that too out of curiosity really! Also reminding him that he won't be able to look after the baby while drunk (as manda said) might be a bit of a wake up call. He might say he'll give up when the baby comes but it'll be harder to go cold turkey so-to-speak than levelling off gradually.. maybe suggest he has an alcoholic free beer between each beer when he goes out? It's a start, he'll only come home half drunk!!, and there are some good ones now that hardly taste much different. Try getting alco free beers in for the house too - if he's run out of normal cans he'll probably start on those instead, and at least that's an opportunity for him to be less drunk but feel like he's drinking. Anything would be a start

Hope it works out for you, it's a horrible situation to be in x

 

[xx.kelly]

I am also exactly in the same situation….its an exact mirror image. I was not too up for the idea of having a baby but my boyfriend really really wanted me to. Now I am, I have completely stopped drinking and he’s still drinking a bottle of wine and a few glasses of cider every night. The worst thing is that he can’t see he’s completely dependant on the stuff! And he doesnt even realise its costing us over a hundred pound a week. and then theirs the smoking on top of that!

Sorry if that seemed like a rant...once i started i found it a little hard to stop lol

 

[Jen & Her Men]

Hi Ladies. thank you so much for your responses - its comforting to know that there are people in the same boat as me. He is trying, although not as hard as I would like and he gets VERY narky when he isnt drinking. It is difficult because although I am trying to find things for us to do to take his mind off drinking, I am soooooo tired of an evening at the mo that its really difficult for me so then he sits there and you can tell that all he is thinking about is the fact that he cant have a drink but he wants one! Im really worried about our honeymoon cos the last thing i want is to watch him get drunk every night but at the same time we are on our holidays and if I wasnt pregnant I would have a few drinks too. I dont really know what to suggest as a fair compromise but there is nothing worse than being with someone who is drunk night after night when your sober!!

 

[Babylicious]

I had this with Sean about 6 months after we got together, he lived across the road from me. He used to insult me and be a git, twice we split up over it. I ended up saying that it was no good him being around Paris because he was a liability! I told him that if he didn't cut down then I would leave him (i know it's drastic but he was making himself ill)

Just be honest

 

[Ginnymarie]

hello
i can totally empathise
my oh drinks every night but not loads, in 9 years he has never gone 1 night without a drink, he can be abusive but also the most lovng man in the world which is why i put up with it.
i joined al anon, a group for the family and friends of alchohlics as my dad is a big drinker too and my oh mum nearly killed herself with drink...if anyone wants to chat do pm me or il give you my msm as the al anon stuff is so helpful, it talks about how you cant control the person drinking, you cant cure their illness and you didn't cause it...it can help you understand things xx

 

[Jen & Her Men]

Me again. Back for another moan...
Had another argument with my OH last night. We had been house hunting and stuff all day and had a lovely day, so we went to the pub for something to eat when we got home, during which he had 3 pints. We then came home and he said that he would put the kettle on, and I felt really relieved because he wasnt asking for another drink, but then he said "and what shall I have?" and my heart sank. I asked him why he felt the need to have another drink as it was only a Tuesday and he had already had 3 pints and couldnt he just have a coffee like me, and he got into a right huff. I turned my laptop on as we were going to look at houses and I had a quick look on this site whilst he was making the drinks, when he saw that I wasnt on the house page he flipped his lid and accused me of being boring and that he was bored out of his skull because all I do is sit on my laptop on this site or play games (which is just not true). So we ended up having a screaming match and I said that he would never of brought the laptop thing up if I had said it was ok for him to have a drink. He couldnt answer that one.
He told me that he really resents me telling him when he can have a drink. I responded by saying that I really hate being put in the position where I have to be like his mum and tell him when he can and cant - but I have to because he asks me like he is a child. I said that if he was a responsible adult who was taking our pregnancy seriously, he wouldnt resent me because he just wouldnt ask in the first place as he would know it was wrong. He then made my blood boil because he said that I expected him to give up everything!!! I dont expect him to quit drinking altogether but I do expect him to cut down because I dont want my baby having an alcoholic father. Plus, what does he think I have done?? I have given up drinking and smoking, spend most of my mornings with my head down the toilet, I am too tired to do anything - went to Barcelona on my hen party weekend just gone and spent most of it in the apartment as I was soooooo tired - I have also sacrificed my house to come and live with him, I know nobody around this area and feel very lonely a lot of the time, and he has the audacity to say he feels that he has to give up too much because I have asked him to cut down drinking!!!!
I jsut dont know what to do. We seem to have these arguments on a weekly basis and Im exhausted by it. I love him so much and he can be so lovely and caring and by far the most generous man I have ever been out with, but I cant stand the dependancy on alcohol and the arguments it causes. I didnt sleep a wink last night and feel absolutely dreadful this morning. So much so that I have had to cancel an appointment with the doctors about the baby because I feel so bad.
At the end of our talks last night, he came round and apologised and said that he would not drink at all this weekend to prove to me that he is serious about us and the baby but I dont know whether to believe him as he has broken the promises so many times. When he apologises he just expects me to forgive him and everything to return to normal - he doesnt seem to understand that I have heard it all before from him so find it hard to just return to normal following an argument, he then gets mad with me again because I dont just give him a big hug and kiss and say we are friends. But I need action and proof that he is going to do something about it. Sorry for the rant girls. I am just at the end of my tether with it and I dont know what to do for the best. I dont want to be a single parent but I dont want the rest of my life to be like this either.