i.love
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It’s been 11 days since I gave birth to my second son James Nikolai. I’ve been preparing for that day and waiting for it for so long, and now I can’t believe that it’s all over. Most likely this was my last pregnancy, so this time it truly is over, and will not happen to me again. This actually makes me feel sad. I loved my labour. No, I didn’t enjoy the pain, but the moment when I had my baby put on my chest was so worth it. You forget the pain, but the memories of this moment stay with you forever. It is so emotional, nothing else will ever come near it in intensity.
So. This is how it all happened.
To start with, I had lovely 7.5 months of pregnancy, but it all went down the hill in the last few weeks. I finished working and was looking forward to lots of rest on maternity leave, but it didn’t happen this way. I started getting flus and colds one after another, had sinusitis, bad pain while walking (probably SPD) and frequent sudden pain where my lo was lying on a nerve. I could hardly walk without moaning! All my plans of going for walks with my dog and friends, doing shopping, dancing and doing yoga promptly went out of the window. And then there was the stress of waiting for my parents to come back from abroad before it all began, but as soon as they were back my husband had to go to Kazakhstan for a few days when I was 37 and a half weeks! And then he got back… and got very ill himself!! So ill, that if I went into labour at that point, he would be of no use whatsoever. Luckily, James waited patiently in my tummy a bit longer.
I was booked to be induced at 39 weeks due to obstetric cholestasis. We all just about recovered by that time. The night before the D day my parents moved in with us and we had a nice meal of Domino’s pizza and some cheesecake (we were still exhausted by illnesses that couldn’t even be bothered to go out for a proper meal). When I went to bed I was all unsettled, kept dreaming of my waters going, then thought I had some tummy ache, but decided that it’s just nerves or maybe my imagination. At 3 am I couldn’t sleep and had to go and raid the fridge for some food (strawberries and milk). Then I tried to sleep again, not very successfully… I woke up in the morning completely knackered and could hardly get out of bed. The pain became bad (and certainly very real!), and I started throwing up
So the last night and morning of my pre-labour maternity leave were ruined too. I just wanted to cry – nothing this past month was going how I hoped and imagined! Instead of eating a nice relaxed breakfast with my oldest son, taking a long shower and doing a happy photo session with my husband, I was sitting on the floor rocking slowly to keep myself distracted from the pain, with occasional urgent trip to the loo. My husband suggested not going to the hospital at all that day, and I was so tempted to give in… But somehow managed to stay strong, got dressed and dragged myself to the car. Luckily I checked my hospital bag the night before and didn’t leave it to the morning!
By the time we got to the hospital I felt a bit better. I was given a bed in the pre-labour ward, and they started doing checks on me – CTG, pressure, blood test, more CTG… They couldn’t get a good connection, the trace kept showing my pulse (rather high – 120!) instead of the baby’s, so they had to keep me on it for ages and made me lie in uncomfortable positions (on the back, when I could hardly breathe for the pressure on the artery). The rubber bands were so tight, and I was very uncomfortable. CTG was showing some mild contractions, but I couldn’t feel them. I was feeling very hot and sweaty, and looked really red, even though my temperature was normal. My husband was brilliant - adjusting the fan for me, rubbing my face with a wet cloth and spraying me with thermal water (lovely!
). I couldn’t eat anything, but was drinking lots of lucozade.
The examination wasn’t great either – my Bishop’s score was very unfavourable – 1 or 2! So my husband and I were having real doubts if we want to carry on with the induction, or should just wait, or maybe ask for a C-section. The C-section option felt like it could be safer for the baby, but, to tell the truth, I really wanted to give birth myself. It just didn’t feel right to have my baby taken out from inside of me by someone else – I wanted to bring him into the world myself. Anyway, we spoke to a few doctors and were advised that an induction is the best option for both me and my baby, and so we agreed to carry on.
I sent my husband home for some rest and was put on CTG for another three hours. I was given a pessary at 4 PM and the plan was to wait for 6 hours and see if I would need another one later. The contractions started to become stronger though and my husband came back around 6.30 PM. By that time I was definitely feeling contractions, but could breathe through them. Hubby started giving me foot and back rubs, that was nice We only spent about half an hour or so like this though before I started getting really uncomfortable. All I could do by this stage was sitting and rocking, and breathing through contractions.
A new midwife came to look after me, and I asked when I might be able to get some gas and air. I was very happy to hear that she thought I was ready for it. So we moved to a separate labour room and I started puffing on G&A Unfortunately, I had to be put on CTG yet again! It was going OK for another hour or so, but things were getting worse and worse. I was properly screaming by then and started throwing up again. I couldn’t move and hated the stupid rubber bands on my tummy. We kept losing the contact, so my husband was given a task of pressing on the CTG pads on my tummy during contractions. Not very helpful!
I was becoming really miserable. Contractions were coming very fast and I could hardly get my breath back between them. I had enough will power to decline an offer of an epidural, but was feeling very weak and tired. I wanted to have a wee, but just could not get off the bed to do it. I just couldn’t move. The MW decided to examine me, I managed to lie on my back somehow, but it wasn’t easy. She said I was 5 or 6 cm. This is when I nearly broke down. I was hoping it was all nearly over, but I was only half way there!! Only half way – that was a horrible thought!! I would cry there and then if I could, but the pain wouldn’t let me. That’s when I started screaming all the usual nonsense that I can’t do this anymore, etc My poor husband looked really miserable and didn’t know how to help.
The MW offered to break my waters, but I didn’t want to do this as I knew that it would speed things up, and the contractions were way too fast for my liking already. I kept saying I didn’t want it, but they started to get very insistent – saying that they weren’t happy with the CTG and needed to properly monitor the baby’s heartbeat, and to do this they needed to attach this funny stick to his head. They did sound concerned, so I agreed. By that time I was losing the will to live and would probably agree to anything. So they broke my waters. I think I also weed on the bed then, but I just didn’t care. But then the best thing happened. As soon as my waters went, I had an urge to push straight away!! Hurrah! They first told me to wait (like that’s even possible!), but the next minute confirmed that I was fully dilated and gave me a go ahead. It’s funny, as soon as I neededto push, I didn’t need G&A anymore, couldn’t feel the contractions anymore and on the whole felt so much better! I didn’t mind crowning pain much. I think I pushed about three times before Jamie’s head was born, and then with one more push he was finally out and put onto my chest straight away. He was born at 9 pm, after 2 hours 15 minutes of established labour according to my notes. Within 10 minutes he was feeding. My husband was very emotional and looked so happy and proud. And I felt… amazing It was truly magical, the strongest and most ‘real’ emotion ever.
Then there was the boring part of getting stitched up (a 2nd degree tear), having a bath (amazing!), waiting to be transferred to a post-labour ward (very boring)… I spent 2 days at the hospital because Jamie’s temperature was a bit a low, but it got back to normal shortly and we were discharged.
I couldn’t wait to go home while I was at the hospital because I was missing my husband and my oldest son, but as soon as I left, I realised that I loved being there and that I miss it. Being at the hospital still felt like a part of giving birth. Going home meant that it was all properly over. Giving birth is the only happy reason you can have to stay at the hospital. And I won’t have this reason again.
The first couple of days at home were weird – my mood kept going up and down. I was definitely hormonal, and had a couple of good cries because I missed my tummy, feeling the kicks and missed giving birth. I know for many ladies this won’t be making much sense. But this is how I felt. It was the same with my first son, but that time I knew that we are likely to do it all over again one day. This time I knew that I will never feel those kicks again, and it was making me so sad. I was even crying unpacking my hospital bag. Hormones can do weird things to us
Now my hormones have calmed down. I am enjoying my time with my baby, he is gorgeous and I love him to bits. This is another phase in my life, and I am loving it, with sleepless nights and all
So. This is how it all happened.
To start with, I had lovely 7.5 months of pregnancy, but it all went down the hill in the last few weeks. I finished working and was looking forward to lots of rest on maternity leave, but it didn’t happen this way. I started getting flus and colds one after another, had sinusitis, bad pain while walking (probably SPD) and frequent sudden pain where my lo was lying on a nerve. I could hardly walk without moaning! All my plans of going for walks with my dog and friends, doing shopping, dancing and doing yoga promptly went out of the window. And then there was the stress of waiting for my parents to come back from abroad before it all began, but as soon as they were back my husband had to go to Kazakhstan for a few days when I was 37 and a half weeks! And then he got back… and got very ill himself!! So ill, that if I went into labour at that point, he would be of no use whatsoever. Luckily, James waited patiently in my tummy a bit longer.
I was booked to be induced at 39 weeks due to obstetric cholestasis. We all just about recovered by that time. The night before the D day my parents moved in with us and we had a nice meal of Domino’s pizza and some cheesecake (we were still exhausted by illnesses that couldn’t even be bothered to go out for a proper meal). When I went to bed I was all unsettled, kept dreaming of my waters going, then thought I had some tummy ache, but decided that it’s just nerves or maybe my imagination. At 3 am I couldn’t sleep and had to go and raid the fridge for some food (strawberries and milk). Then I tried to sleep again, not very successfully… I woke up in the morning completely knackered and could hardly get out of bed. The pain became bad (and certainly very real!), and I started throwing up
So the last night and morning of my pre-labour maternity leave were ruined too. I just wanted to cry – nothing this past month was going how I hoped and imagined! Instead of eating a nice relaxed breakfast with my oldest son, taking a long shower and doing a happy photo session with my husband, I was sitting on the floor rocking slowly to keep myself distracted from the pain, with occasional urgent trip to the loo. My husband suggested not going to the hospital at all that day, and I was so tempted to give in… But somehow managed to stay strong, got dressed and dragged myself to the car. Luckily I checked my hospital bag the night before and didn’t leave it to the morning!By the time we got to the hospital I felt a bit better. I was given a bed in the pre-labour ward, and they started doing checks on me – CTG, pressure, blood test, more CTG… They couldn’t get a good connection, the trace kept showing my pulse (rather high – 120!) instead of the baby’s, so they had to keep me on it for ages and made me lie in uncomfortable positions (on the back, when I could hardly breathe for the pressure on the artery). The rubber bands were so tight, and I was very uncomfortable. CTG was showing some mild contractions, but I couldn’t feel them. I was feeling very hot and sweaty, and looked really red, even though my temperature was normal. My husband was brilliant - adjusting the fan for me, rubbing my face with a wet cloth and spraying me with thermal water (lovely!
). I couldn’t eat anything, but was drinking lots of lucozade.The examination wasn’t great either – my Bishop’s score was very unfavourable – 1 or 2! So my husband and I were having real doubts if we want to carry on with the induction, or should just wait, or maybe ask for a C-section. The C-section option felt like it could be safer for the baby, but, to tell the truth, I really wanted to give birth myself. It just didn’t feel right to have my baby taken out from inside of me by someone else – I wanted to bring him into the world myself. Anyway, we spoke to a few doctors and were advised that an induction is the best option for both me and my baby, and so we agreed to carry on.
I sent my husband home for some rest and was put on CTG for another three hours. I was given a pessary at 4 PM and the plan was to wait for 6 hours and see if I would need another one later. The contractions started to become stronger though and my husband came back around 6.30 PM. By that time I was definitely feeling contractions, but could breathe through them. Hubby started giving me foot and back rubs, that was nice
We only spent about half an hour or so like this though before I started getting really uncomfortable. All I could do by this stage was sitting and rocking, and breathing through contractions. A new midwife came to look after me, and I asked when I might be able to get some gas and air. I was very happy to hear that she thought I was ready for it. So we moved to a separate labour room and I started puffing on G&A
Unfortunately, I had to be put on CTG yet again! It was going OK for another hour or so, but things were getting worse and worse. I was properly screaming by then and started throwing up again. I couldn’t move and hated the stupid rubber bands on my tummy. We kept losing the contact, so my husband was given a task of pressing on the CTG pads on my tummy during contractions. Not very helpful!I was becoming really miserable. Contractions were coming very fast and I could hardly get my breath back between them. I had enough will power to decline an offer of an epidural, but was feeling very weak and tired. I wanted to have a wee, but just could not get off the bed to do it. I just couldn’t move. The MW decided to examine me, I managed to lie on my back somehow, but it wasn’t easy. She said I was 5 or 6 cm. This is when I nearly broke down. I was hoping it was all nearly over, but I was only half way there!! Only half way – that was a horrible thought!! I would cry there and then if I could, but the pain wouldn’t let me. That’s when I started screaming all the usual nonsense that I can’t do this anymore, etc
My poor husband looked really miserable and didn’t know how to help.The MW offered to break my waters, but I didn’t want to do this as I knew that it would speed things up, and the contractions were way too fast for my liking already. I kept saying I didn’t want it, but they started to get very insistent – saying that they weren’t happy with the CTG and needed to properly monitor the baby’s heartbeat, and to do this they needed to attach this funny stick to his head. They did sound concerned, so I agreed. By that time I was losing the will to live and would probably agree to anything. So they broke my waters. I think I also weed on the bed then, but I just didn’t care. But then the best thing happened. As soon as my waters went, I had an urge to push straight away!! Hurrah! They first told me to wait (like that’s even possible!), but the next minute confirmed that I was fully dilated and gave me a go ahead. It’s funny, as soon as I neededto push, I didn’t need G&A anymore, couldn’t feel the contractions anymore and on the whole felt so much better! I didn’t mind crowning pain much. I think I pushed about three times before Jamie’s head was born, and then with one more push he was finally out and put onto my chest straight away. He was born at 9 pm, after 2 hours 15 minutes of established labour according to my notes. Within 10 minutes he was feeding. My husband was very emotional and looked so happy and proud. And I felt… amazing
It was truly magical, the strongest and most ‘real’ emotion ever.Then there was the boring part of getting stitched up (a 2nd degree tear), having a bath (amazing!), waiting to be transferred to a post-labour ward (very boring)… I spent 2 days at the hospital because Jamie’s temperature was a bit a low, but it got back to normal shortly and we were discharged.
I couldn’t wait to go home while I was at the hospital because I was missing my husband and my oldest son, but as soon as I left, I realised that I loved being there and that I miss it. Being at the hospital still felt like a part of giving birth. Going home meant that it was all properly over. Giving birth is the only happy reason you can have to stay at the hospital. And I won’t have this reason again.
The first couple of days at home were weird – my mood kept going up and down. I was definitely hormonal, and had a couple of good cries because I missed my tummy, feeling the kicks and missed giving birth. I know for many ladies this won’t be making much sense. But this is how I felt. It was the same with my first son, but that time I knew that we are likely to do it all over again one day. This time I knew that I will never feel those kicks again, and it was making me so sad. I was even crying unpacking my hospital bag. Hormones can do weird things to us
Now my hormones have calmed down. I am enjoying my time with my baby, he is gorgeous and I love him to bits. This is another phase in my life, and I am loving it, with sleepless nights and all
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