More than one month on...

[melissa5317]

It's been over a month now and I feel like I'm regressing back into how I should have been feeling about 4 weeks ago. What in the world is wrong with me? I feel like I'm about to go absolutely crazy. I can't listen to music or look at pictures or watch television or walk into town without something reminding me of what's happened and what I had taken away from me. I feel like all I see are babies, pregnant women, baby pictures... Somehow I feel even more empty now than I did then, like everyone else has been allowed to get on with their lives and I'm still stuck here somehow. Just the thought of it makes me tear up, and I'm just so tired of living like this. I know I'm a textbook case, and that pisses me off even more. I just don't understand. I don't understand why God would wait this long to let us get pregnant only to take it away as soon as we found out. It's like we lost something that we never had in the first place, like it was all a big joke. No sooner did I take the damn pregnancy test than our little baby stopped developing. As much as I do believe that God has a plan and all will become clear in the long-term...I'm so angry and hurt. I feel like everything is just pushing my buttons, like I'm being picked on and made fun of by the world. I love my friends and I'm so happy for them their beautiful babies and children and pregnancies, but I'm so incredibly jealous and resentful, and I have such hideous hatred for people who have abortions, and who are awful parents, and who wish their kids were never born. What about me???? What have I done that is so wrong that I'm not allowed to have a child? It's not what I believe, but it is what I feel, and I can't seem to make it go away, no matter how hard I try or how much I pray. I feel deserted and abandoned, and I don't feel like anyone can make me feel better, but I cannot live like this. I feel like every holiday which should have been a happy occasion is going to be painful now. I should have been pregnant this Thanksgiving...Christmas...New Years...freaking Groundhog Day... I was due the day before Easter.

I'm tired of being strong and acting like the mere mention of it won't affect me. I feel like my entire future has been ripped away from me. I'm so incredibly, irreparably sad.

 

[trixipaws]

 

[Tina & Gabs]

I am so so sorry for your loss and I hope time is a good healer for you

 

[dina.marie]

melissa, im so sorry 4 ur loss. i felt exactly the same. i left my job because a girl i worked with was 5 months pregnant, and it was too painful for me to watch her bump grow. and its crazy how you notice every pregnant woman on the street and tv adverts etc etc its as if god wont give u a break. its been 4 months since my 1st mc and i had only just started to feel better (until i lost another one last week). having a tattoo in memory of bean helped me loads, it meant to me i could finally start getting on with things but i wouldnt forget it. things will get easier for you but it will take time. give urself a break hun.

 

[Slinky Sarah]

Darling a month is no time at all

its over a year since Angel and almost 6 months since Bean and i tell you now i am no where near over either.

I should have been pregnant last xmas and this xmas. I was due 1st o March this year with ANgel and 9th January with Bean.

This xmas and new year will be utter hell. its my 21st new year and i dont want to celebrate. i should have been 38 weeks pregnant with a 9 month old baby. Insted i have no babies and no partner.

I still have that hatred and emptyness now babe, it just eases slightly over time...

Please PM me i you want to talk about anything xx

 

[jennifer1981]

fortunately i haven't experienced a miscarriage but i want you to know that time is a great healer. YOu will never forget but im sure you'll find it easier to cope with the pain. I believe things happen for a reason. This prob isnt helpful to you now but the reason might be easier to see when you look back on this time in your life in the future. I hope so