Mom reacting very negatively to pregnancy

[sarah.connors]

So, this is my second pregnancy. The first child I had I had as a single mom, and its been rather tough. I went through post partum depression. The first year I had a lot of help from my mom and my brothers, I was young and maybe not ready to have a child but with some help I got where I needed to be to be a good mom. Now, 4 years later Im pregnant again. Ive been a full time student, with several other things going on (Ive been a class and student representative, the latter is a paid position by my uni, and Ive done some volunteerwork related to school, all whilst getting only As and Bs). Ive also met a man and we are engaged, so lots of things have happened and Ive grown as a person. Ive gotten pregnant again, but I feel Im in a very different place emotionally, and I got a fiance I want to spend my life with.

However, breaking the news to my mom she has been VERY negative.

"You dont own an appartment yet"

"you can barely handle having one kid (referring to the period of time I struggeled, not taking into account how well everything has been going after that) "

"didnt you learn last time" (since I didnt have everything "in order" for my last pregnancy and since my kids dad wasnt really fathermaterial)"

"what about money"

"what if it doesnt work out between you and your fiance, what will you do then"


"youre more fragile than other people, other people could maybe handle this better than you" (referring to my postpartum depression)

At the top of all this she gets insulted when I hang up the phone or dont want to talk to her. She says "Im just trying to give you advice, its nice to be prepared when you have a baby". What on earth good is her so called advice doing me now? Im already pregnant and it seems the only advice she has is she thinks I shouldnt have kids now. She also made a comment on "well, I guess you dont listen to advice just like your father". Just to give some context, he is an alcoholic and they have recently divorced and she hates his guts. So it was a pretty mean comment towards me. Im just so sad and I dont know what to do with all this. Its not really a good feeling to have your parent react this way to your pregnancy, and Im just sitting here crying at the moment. Has anybody else had parents who have been very unsupportive of your pregnancy?

 

[Ash_b]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's not nice when people don't share your excitement and cast a negative light on everything. I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice here, but mums tend to be overprotective and maybe her worry for you is coming out in this non-productive way. Perhaps you could acknowledge to her that yes, last time, it was difficult, and you're so grateful for how she supported you. And then maybe try to spin it towards getting positive advice. Like saying, I know I had it hard last time, can you give me any advice of things I could do now to help me deal with it better?

Try to spin it so that she's giving helpful advice, not just pointing out (what she sees as) negatives.

 

[floridamom]

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. My mom was so happy, helpful, and proud of the woman I grew to be when I told her I was pregnant (19 at the time, he’s now an incredible six year old boy who is the center of my family’s love and attention). However my dad was not supportive and said things like “you know you have other options and don’t need to keep the baby” and other things implying I should not have had him (my parents are separated and very different, my dad is also an alcoholic and most likely addicted to pain meds). I also deal with comments on that side of the family from other members such as if I’m talking about something my aunt will say “well yeah, that’s why people generally wait to have kids until they’re married”, “you should’ve thought about this or that before you had a child”, etc even when the comments don’t really apply to what I was saying and I never say things that should warrant an answer like that. I was much like you - got pregnant young by an irresponsible man who doesn’t really want the responsibility of being a dad. I am now living with (and expecting with) an incredible man and we haven’t told anyone yet. I expect the reactions and comments to be the same even though the situation is incredibly different. Honestly, the only way I got through that with that side of my family was telling myself that I can’t control how they feel or what they think of me, but I can control how t makes me feel. When people make comments that are so negative about a situation that is as joyful as having a baby it says more about them than it does you. I did cut my dad out of my life but I understand that is not the solution for everybody. My dad eventually came around and loves my son and is proud of him, but the only time he sees him is when my siblings take him to visit. If you’re happy then don’t let other people’s negativity ruin it, she will most likely come around and love the baby just as much as she loved the first. And if for some reason she doesn’t then that’s her loss. It’s an incredibly difficult time when issues are with family and I’m sending positive vibes your way.