issues with husbands son

[Nicnax]

I am after a rant, really.

My husband's son, is 17 this year. He is a harmless enough kid- barely speaks a word to me, and completely uninterested in anyone or anything bar himself, but that could be considered normal teenage-Dom.

My issue, could be considered petty, but is bothering me more an d more, as time goes on. Hubby and his sons mother split when he was 5. Hubby and I have been together 11 years this year. In the entire time I have been with my husband, he/we have never received birthday/ christmas/ fathers day cards. Hubby doesn't even hear from his son, unless he contacts him. He sees him once per week, and is expected to go and pick his son up (he lives a 5 min walk away), and drive him home again. Whilst at our house, he sits on our laptop, with headphones on, watching YouTube Tec. Because he's unto gaming, my hubby and his family give him huge amounts of money at christmas and birthdays, but get nothin in return. No one expects gifts, just the thought and effort of a card would suffice. My hubby has mentioned ito him on more than one occasion, since he was about 14, but to no avail. This Christmas, I got so angry looking at him, as barely thanked anyone for the over two hundred quid he got in gifts, that I could barely speak to him. Now, to finish me off, he turned up at my daughters first birthday party today, with not even a card.

I don't care about cards fir me, I have given up being bothered about how much my hubby spends on him in gifts, but the fact that we know he give a father's day card to his stepdad, and cards for his sisters Tec, and does NOTHING for my hubby or daughter is missing me off. I couldn't even look at home today.

Am I being unreasonable? You can buy a card for 27p in Card Factory!! I am beginning to really dislike the brat, and I don't want him in my house.

 

[mylullaby]

I can completely see your point, but I'd put it down to teenage hormones and try not to let it get to you. Easier said than done, I know, but if your DD got plenty of cards/gifts (and she's too young to notice really anyway) then I'd focus on the people who did make the effort, rather than the fact he didn't.

Also, I know you say you've been with his dad for 11 years and the split from his mum was when he was 5, but he'll have gone through so many changes in that time - and perhaps DD's arrival has made him feel a bit pushed out? I know he's 17 so not exactly a kid, but looking back to my own 17-year-old self, it can be bloody hard having all those new emotions rushing around your body and we can feel certain ways even when we don't want to.

I'm making some massive assumptions here, but he could be thinking any/all of the following: dad left us when I was 5 / mum struggled while she was on her own / step dad came to the rescue / dad can afford the £200 gifts so I'm happy to take them / his wife isn't a patch on my mum / his new DD will get more attention than me / he will love her more / she'll get to live with both her parents / she'll have a happier childhood than me...

I really hope I haven't offended you. Just trying to point out that it's quite possible that your DH's son still finds it hard that his dad left / met someone else / started a family with her - even though he is 17. He might also have been 'prompted' by his mum to buy the cards for his step dad/sisters. Or perhaps she buys them on his behalf and he just writes them out? My mum has done that for my brothers in the past - she's even bought cards for my bro's girlfriend in the past when he "didn't have chance" (i.e. couldn't be arsed!)

Try to ride it out if you can - all teenagers can be hard work and if his worst offence is acting a bit entitled and showing a lack of interest in your DD then I'd say things could be a lot worse - I used to scream and scream "I hate you" at my dad - that lasted from about 13 - 18 (when I left home) and I really didn't hate my dad, we just clashed when my hormones were raging.

 

[ClimbingRose]

Oh dear, sounds like a tricky situation! You havent said very much about how your hubby feels about it? Whats his view on it all?

 

[Pin badge]

Ah Hun it's a horrid situation. I'm step mum to two boys in their early twenties, up until VERY recently we didn't get cards from them either. The youngest remembered more often than the eldest (I think his girlfriend reminds him) but you could have knocked me down with feather when we told them about baby as the oldest brought a card and flowers

One thing I do know is that the boys very rarely remember to buy cards for their mum for birthday/mothers day etc either...I know this because she got very upset about Mother's Day a couple of years ago and tried to blame hubby for turning the boys against her. (Until she realised he never got a Father's Day card either!)

Based on my own experience I think that it is most likely just teenage boy behaviour, they don't tend to be sentimental about cards etc. I always say the boys have very small worlds...they are the centre and it revolves very tightly around them!

However what would bother me is the lack of thanks for gifts at christmas etc. My lads are always grateful and appreciate anything we give them which I fully expect,particularly as they get older. How does hubby feel about it? Xx

 

[Nicnax]

We don't talk much about it, these days. I was always the one reassuring hubby about it, when he was upset, and sticking up for the kid, as hubby used to get very upset (he has admitted he gets cards for his mum and stepdad, and sisters). Part of the reason it bothers me, is that I teach teenage girls, and they are nothing like him- he is just so rude! He has to be reminded to even say hello to me, in my own home! I know I should rise above it, and be the grown up, but I feel so annoyed that he seems to get special allowances, for the fact that his parents split 12 years ago. I am so much less tolerant since having my daughter, and can't stand the idea that his total thoughtlessness and disinterest will one day hurt her, as she adores him.

 

[rheannymac]

It seems to me he's kind of using it as an excuse. This may sound harsh but I think he needs to get over it. My parents split when I was 3, and although it's slightly different in my case as I havnt seen my dad since then (his choice) however, I've never used it as an excuse to be rude to others. I think if he is able to buy cards etc for his stepdad & sisters then there is just no excuse for not doing the same for you guys. Let's face it, he doesn't even need to go out & buy one, he could make something?! I'm sure the time & effort would mean 10 times more. The now saying hello or thank you etc is just downright rude. I wonder how he would feel if You's didn't bother with birthdays/Xmas or even just completely ignored him when he was in your house.
Would it be an option for your husband to maybe speak to the mother? Maybe voice his concerns and see if she could speak to him and maybe get through to him?
I'm sorry he's treating You's like this. It makes me so angry when fathers do want to be involved in their kids lives and the kids don't appreciate how lucky that makes them xxx

 

[Capricorn]

My Aunty had two boys.. Both now in their twenties.
My mum however, had two girls. The differences between our two families is amazing.
My Aunty doesn't get a birthday card, or even a phone call to say happy birthday. One of her sons lives in another country now & makes little effort to keep in touch.
But I don't think the difference is solely due to the diffs in gender.. It's how we were raised. My mum made sure we had cards for my dad, & vice versa. I encourage the same behaviour in our son, and would continue to do so if we split. If this hasn't happened you are expecting a behaviour that is alien for him.. He seems to always have been given gifts without the expectation of a return gesture.

If we hadn't have thought about my parents after all they did for us, they would be extremely hurt & tell us so. Not because they feel entitled, just because it's nice to be shown appreciation & it's a shame that your husband doesn't get this from his son. It does sound like a long standing issue (personally, I would have stopped his presents when this first started because I'm a bit of a meany but I understand this May have been difficult for your OH to do in his situation).
However, he will get all of this from your daughter which is some consolation.

Teens are hard work.. Lord knows I was trying at times haha I suppose you have to hope he sees the light as he gets older, & children of his own might change his relationship with his dad (hopefully) xx

 

[mylullaby]

I was an awful teen too and I'm so glad my parents saw me for what I was - a horrid teenager with raging hormones, rather than an inherently bad/nasty person - and let me just get on with it. Of course there were boundaries and discipline but my dad used to force me to say "hello" to him every morning and as a grumpy, knackered, angry teenager, I loathed saying it back.

Honestly op I would just try, try, try not to take it personally. Rightly or wrongly, he doesn't feel any obligation to say hello to you in your own house. Yes, it's rude and yes you could force the issue... or you could focus your time and energy on your daughter - let him be a part of that if he's willing to be civil or let him sit and sulk if he can't bring himself to be nice. My dad's insistence on forcing the issue when I was having a teenage tantrum moment was half the problem - if he'd let things go/ignored me rather than forcing things/arguing back, life would've been much easier for everyone. I think it'd help if you could see it as something he'll grow out of sooner or later rather than a flawed personality.

P.S. I'm an absolute delight now I'm all grown up. Honest!

 

[ClimbingRose]

I dont have a teenager, but I've been one, and if no-one had ever pulled me up on my behaviour, how would I ever have learnt some stuff was wrong? I actually think that whats needed is for you and hubby to have a talk with him and tell him you're finding his behaviour extremely dislikeable and how you'd like him to behave in your house. If he wants to come and spend weekends at yours, he needs to treat you atleast like a human! Saying hello is basic... if no-one tells him his behaviour is wrong, why should he change it. Im sorry this might sound mean, but I think that alot of the problems with teens who turn into dislikeable adults is because people around them never felt they could say anything.
It needs to be done, yes being a teenager is a difficult time, I wouldnt re-do it for anything! But lessons still need to be learnt, just like when you're an adult.
Life will be harder for him later if he doesnt learn how to respect people now.

 

[mylullaby]

But he might be perfectly pleasant around other people and have no problems there with respect? I do hear what you're saying about learning what's acceptable, but he might be nice as pie around everyone else and they're getting the brunt of his testosterone-fuelled mood swings or whatever. If they give him the option to do X or he isn't welcome, then it might choose not welcome, and that in turn leads to a 10-year break from contact with his dad, step mum and sister... all because he was a grumpy, ungrateful teenager. He might be a petulant little shit, but pushing him in the wrong way won't necessarily snap him out of it.

OP if your DD adores him could you use that to your advantage... encourage the massive hugs, sloppy kisses, etc, etc? Make a joke of it "ooh... give DS a big, fat sloppy kiss..." Melt his heart a little bit? Does the card thing really matter if he can manage to be nice to her for the remaining 364 days a year?

 

[ClimbingRose]

Haha I like the overly love-y approach, no I agree not a good idea to give an ultimatum, because its very likely he would just decide to up and leave... but a talk is needed if he wont even say hello to his step mum of 11 years when hes staying and sounds like his behaviour upsets his dad too (I can understand it must be VERY difficult as a step parent to instill any sense of discipline when they'll just say 'your not my mum') but I think it sounds like more than just an issue with not giving a card - he shows no appreciation for the things he is given, which is important in life to learn, and not very much regard for his dad or step mums feelings... I just dont think saying nothing is the answer. He should atleast be made aware how he is making them feel? It doesnt have to be nasty, but I know when I was out of line my mum let me know, and im really glad she did, even if my ego was a bit bruised at the time! xx

 

[Nicnax]

Thanks for all the feedback, ladies, it's really interesting to hear other people's viewpoints, and you all make some very valid points.

I think a big issue here, is that he is being brought up so very differently to how I an and will bring up my daughter. The background of his parents is quite a cliche- mum never worked, claimed benefits fraudulently, cheated on my hubby, spends maintenance money on cigarettes etc etc. The mum is not a nice person, and seems to be bringing her kids up to be like her. Which, I suppose, makes a lot of this stuff not his fault. And we really did let it slide for a long time. I guess we both thought, that, at his age, he may reciprocate all the gifts lavished on him by my hubby and his family, with a small gesture (I think even a text on father's day would suffice for my hubby). I expect nothing, as, I am unimportant in the grand scheme if things. But, for your baby sister, when attending her 1st birthday party, a token gesture would have been good. He is great with her, and spends time playing with her, which I am grateful for, but I'm not sure if that doesn't even make it a little worse, somehow?

Anyway I can't change what's passed, and am trying not to worry about any of it. I just find it tragic, that with a 17yr old son, my hubby had NEVER received a ffathers day card until our little girl came along.

He will learn, one day, but it's going to be a tough lesson fir him. Thanks for the advice and the listening ears- it's really appreciated.