Irrational feelings towards MIL *sorry for rant*

[WTT_june 2014]

Just wondered if anyone else is experiencing anything like this, is it hormones or protective mothering instinct kicking in early?

So I've always had a great relationship with my MIL, she means so well and has always been soooo good to us. She is so excited about becoming a grandma and is a retired midwife. I loved spending time with them drinking wine and catching up. But since being pregnant obviously I haven't been drinking and I realise she doesn't half go on, when drunk, repeating the same stuff over and over again.

Anyway there's a few things she said that have annoyed me (all said when sober), but usually it would be water off a ducks back, I'm very laid back and don't take things personally, but I've found myself getting annoyed and not wanting to be near her, she makes me a bit uncomfortable now and I feel like I don't want her in my face. It's stuff like telling me the baby won't need a dummy, I don't need to get a baby bath I can wash it in the sink, I must take maternity pads to hospital and 'for gods sake please don't just take little panty liners'. It's not just what she says but they way she is very forthright with it and repeats it what seems like a hundered times.

At my baby shower she was also showing people the nursery and then introduced my spare room as 'her room'. She left her toothbrush last time she stayed over and I told her, she said 'oh I'll keep it here in the drawer for a spare', I don't want her spare tooth brush living at my house. I know this sounds completely irrational and this is why I'm posting on here. I'm scared I'm going to push her away and ruin my relationship with her, but I really feel like she needs to back off a bit. I don't even see her that often though, maybe once a fortnight.

She's very different to my family, we're all quite reserved and don't show lots of affection, but she's always trying to hug me and stroke the bump. The other day she took hold of my face and told me how much she loves me, which just made me feel sooooo awkward, I'm not like that with my family, it's not how we were brought up. I guess deep down I'm worried that she might be really clingy with the baby and try treat it like her own.

I feel so bad, for complaining about someone that cares so much, I should be grateful and I need to get my head around this, so I don't end up ruining our relationship. Any thoughts anyone? Please say it's just hormones and will ease in time :S

 

[ams25]

It is just hormones and will get better in time my MIL is exactly the same very loud, likes a drink and very forthright, will say exactly what she thinks, she's also a bump stroker and it drove me potty in my first pregnancy! My mum is the exact opposite much quieter and more reserved.

Anyway in my last pregnancy MIL really got on my nerves for many of the exact same reasons you have posted. However when my DS was born she actually amazed me how supportive she was, and I was really grateful for her then. She has a wonderful relationship with my son now and helps us out loads with childcare. She's still loud and annoying haha but it doesn't bother me as much now, it's just her personality she doesn't ever mean any harm and I can't change her so I've learned to accept it lol.

Hopefully you will have a similar experience hun xxx

 

[Gillyboos]

It most likely is hormones magnifying your feelings.
I must admit my relationship with my MiL did change when I had my son. Beforehand she was just a bit ditsy and quite old in her ways (she rings us up to tell us people we don't know nor have ever heard of are ill/dead) but we got on fine. Since I've become a mum there have been a few tense moments but that's down to her undermining my parenting in some fairly serious ways, I get hubby to speak to her about this, she doesn't like it and think it should be one rule at ours and no rules at grandma's but I just keep the consistency. She did impose on us most weekends and as we both work that minimised our family time, once again I just had to tell hubby that sometimes he has to say no.
There was a time she said she would give us 2 days of free childcare, hubby thought it was very generous (it was obviously) but as she lives over an hour away I soon realised it was 2 days childcare and 3 nights sleeping at ours...luckily we found out we are expecting again so it's all on the back burner but for the sake of our marriage, hubby will have to speak to her about that.
I make sure I speak to hubby about it when I've calmed down, the other week she went and woke my son up mid nap, I was spitting feathers but he ended up being so tired and upset he would only sit and cuddle me which meant I calmed down and you've guessed it...made hubby explain how much it effects his routine.
I'm not passing the book, I just think if I am the one to tackle it, it becomes a far bigger issue. I did it once and it was carnage!
I would say, just take the rough with the smooth, I probably spend more of my weekends with her than I would want to but far less than she would like.
I'm going to have 3 children soon so I think it may ease as she can't try to monopolise all 3 at the same time! Ha!
Don't apologise for ranting, it's better you tell us than moan at hubby or have a row. X

 

[Louise2013]

I am completely the same and I have to say, I actually got a bit worse with it after my baby was born. We spent a few days ther e when my LO was about four months old and I spent much of it in tears as I felt totally judged and also mad my OH wasn't jumping in. She would sit in silence and watch me bath him, kept saying 'Mummy will give you some calpol in a minute' as she insisted he was teething when he wasn't and there was no need for the calpol, and was appalled at how I made his bottles (we gave bottles at room temp not warm, which was the best advice I was ever given!!) And I felt so under scrutiny and so uncomfortable, and must say, I still do at the moment. I think it takes a while to pass until you find your feet but hormones definitely do play a part. They babysat recently for us and I was livid when I came home to find all my ironing from the utility room had been packed away into our bedroom drawers. I know it probably sounds irrational but That felt so intrusive!! But of course, OH would never dare say a word.....

 

[Mary Poppins]

Mother in laws are such a tricky one! One one hand you want to be the ideal daughter in law, but sometimes they do go too far! My mil is more like a 16 year old, very ditsy, goes out clubbing, doesn't make plans just turns up ~ total opposite to my family! However, she is lovely with the kids and I totally trust her with them. However, when my lg was 5 days old she said 'I'm just going to take her for a little walk along the beach, you rest." I immediately just piped up with how a beach walk sounded lovely and we would all go! It was not lovely, I was in so much pain, I just couldn't let my baby go out without me at 5 days old! I know this time she will do the same and I will just have to be honest and say I'm not ready. I am already nervous about the fall out as I know she will see it as a sign I don't trust Her.

Think we all need to smile, be polite, but also remember we are the mummies and our decisions go whether they are liked or not.... We can do this!!!! X

 

[ShowingPromise]

Your MIL does sound a little overbearing to say the least and if it's making you feel uncomfortable now I guess it will only be worse after the birth - sounds like she won't want to leave you guys alone!
I understand she is excited but I wouldn't want someone telling me how to look after and raise my baby unless I need/wanted it, no matter how well meaning it is.
Can you talk to her at all? I'd perhaps play the 'it's so overwhelming I just need some space to get used to everything' line so you don't hurt her feelings?
My mil is lovely but is the exact opposite and doesn't always speak up when she wants to, which leaves me feeling guilty for not including her more, which I am doing now and will be sure to once baby is here.
Hope you can get it sorted/learn to live with it either way! Xx

 

[Gillyboos]

Well said Mary P.
My little boy hasn't had a sleepover there yet but that's partly down to being so far away should he need me whilst he's still little and partly because she will happily leave him alone with the dog and I'm not comfortable with that. The dog is gentle enough with him but I don't think you can be 100% sure, despite what she tells me. X

 

[doll_eyes]

We don't share the same mil do we? Lol my mil likes wine and now I'm pregnant she gets quite tiddly and just goes on, she's always had a strange relationship with hubby he's the oldest of three and always the one who gets nagged at like he's ten, and we're always the ones going around to see her every week yet the other two sons get off Scot free.

She's been really good baby wise, not been opinionated besides us having a cat and house rabbit. Hubby is scared to upset her so I tend to be the one upset about things as he doesn't speak up. I do love her to bits, but she's quite needy and unfortunately it's my hubby who gets back the brunt of it. No doubt we'll be the ones looking after her in old age as brother and sister in law only turn up when they want something xx

 

[littletwix]

WTT, MIL are indeed very tricky. She sounds like she's gotten a little overly comfortable with you, and is overstepping the mark a bit. I'd find all of those comments annoying too, people are great at sticking their beak in and telling you how things should be done their way! All of that being said she sounds like she's mad about you and her heart is in the right place. Hopefully things will settle a bit over time when you're more sure of yourself and settled into being a mum.

I get on well with my own MIL but it has to be in small doses. She's a very strong minded lady and very set her ways. One thing that really bugs me is Sunday diiner - We've said to her umpteen times that Sunday dinner in their house doesn't suit us as it means we get home at 9pm+ when we're up for work in the morning and most Mondays my day is 14 hours+! Yet she invites us every week and then I feel like an ogre when we say no?! grrr

My in-laws mean well, but I find being in their house difficult at the best of times, my SIL has a special needs son and she's always there with him and I get quite upset about him, particularly as no one will talk openly about his disabilities, it's all brushed under the carpet, not addressed, I worry they may be making matters worse in the long run by not addressing it... Plus, the OH's parents are practically bringing the child up, as my SIL is so dependent on her 70 year old parents...but that's another story...

And like Gillyboos, there's always loads of talk of who's died, who's sick, various ailments, and the disastrous marriage my brother in law is in. Between the SIL and the talk about my BIL to say I find it suffocating is an understatement to say the least! It's all so negative! when we're around my family you can at least have a normal conversation...

All of that being said, I still think my in-laws are great, very kind, so generous and i'm sure your MIL is great too, try to count to ten and tell yourself she doesn't realise how she's coming across and it might help things a little x

 

[violet13]

See I have a problem with the whole spare room is her room thing, my mil keeps going on about the dogs and thinks they need to be outside all the time, I was raised with dogs so I refuse to back down and lock my family pets outside it's cruel. Also my mil drinks often actually most of oh''s family does a lot at functions etc and I don't like it I don't think people should be getting hammered around kids but that's because my family doesn't drink a lot honestly I'd just see how it goes and if it gets too much explain to her how your feeling in the nicest way possible xxx

 

[Gillyboos]

Yes littletwix!! That's exactly that, everything is doom and gloom! There's only a couple of years between my parents and my in-laws but it feels like generations!! But like you say, no real harm. I do screen her calls which I know is shameful, I do ring her back but I have to psych myself up ha!
My MiL does make things up sometimes too, says she hasn't said things that we know she has. Or saying things to my SiLs about things we've supposedly said, luckily we all understand the situation so ignore it but it is a bit bonkers. Favourite thing at the moment is to keep telling me that I must be desperate to get the twins out, I've explained that if they are less than 5.8lbs I will have to go on a feeding regime and stay in hospital a bit so I would rather be as pregnant as long as possible, goes in one ear and out of the other - "yes but you must be so uncomfortable and fed up".
Her best ever line was "It's so lovely how easy Gillyboos has taken to motherhood, I'm pleasantly surprised".

Sorry WTT I didn't mean to hijack, will be quiet about my MiL now!!!

 

[WTT_june 2014]

Hey everyone thanks so much for your advice and insight about your in-laws. Glad I'm not alone, seems to be quite a universal problem lol.

I think I'll bite my tongue for now, see how she is when the baby is here. I wouldn't want to tell OH how I feel as I know he'd be devastated if we didn't get along (he's a right mummy's boy).

I think the underlying factor is because I'm a FTM everything's going to be new and so much to learn, I feel nervous, as I'm normally so in control and know what I'm doing all the time (work, house, finance wise etc) and it will be hard to stand up to someone who seemingly 'knows better'. But I guess that will get better with time as my confidence grows with the baby.

Wow this has been like therapy, who needs to pay for counselling when you work stuff through for free in here!! Thanks for all your comments it's really helped me process the underlying issues

 

[Gillyboos]

You will be a great mum, it is instinctive. You will get no end of advice but you do what YOU feel is right/are comfortable with. xx

 

[littletwix]

aw, no problem WTT, I can totally relate to the not feeling in control thing. It will definitely get better when the baby arrives, your head will be so taken up with your beautiful baby that you might not notice her being a bit overbearing or too overfamiliar x

 

[Ams1985]

Hormones definitely don't help. I started feeling like this about my mother in law when I was pregnant with my son. When he got here it went away a bit but still Id find myself getting annoye by the little things said, and you know they're trying to force their parenting styles on you etc. Also shes make alottle comments here and there about the state of our house which yes whilst not as mentally clean as it was pre pregnancy isn't untidy or dirty. I just ignore most of it becuase I don't want to have a row or upset my husband.

Now I'm pregnant again I'm feeling very similar to you again. I don't realy like having her around my son, she acts like he is hers and flat ignores my wishes as far as parenting goes. In the end I've had to have a word with my husband becuase I'm getting so upset about it all to the point where I can't be around her and it's not fair on my little boy not to spend time with his grandparents. I hope it's hormones again and it will go away after this bubs arrives. But right now I'm worried it will be even worse!

 

[Gillyboos]

Hormones definitely don't help. I started feeling like this about my mother in law when I was pregnant with my son. When he got here it went away a bit but still Id find myself getting annoye by the little things said, and you know they're trying to force their parenting styles on you etc. Also shes make alottle comments here and there about the state of our house which yes whilst not as mentally clean as it was pre pregnancy isn't untidy or dirty. I just ignore most of it becuase I don't want to have a row or upset my husband.

Now I'm pregnant again I'm feeling very similar to you again. I don't realy like having her around my son, she acts like he is hers and flat ignores my wishes as far as parenting goes. In the end I've had to have a word with my husband becuase I'm getting so upset about it all to the point where I can't be around her and it's not fair on my little boy not to spend time with his grandparents. I hope it's hormones again and it will go away after this bubs arrives. But right now I'm worried it will be even worse!

Fancy seeing you on this thread Amy!! haha. MiLs - who'd have them!

 

[WTT_june 2014]

Hormones definitely don't help. I started feeling like this about my mother in law when I was pregnant with my son. When he got here it went away a bit but still Id find myself getting annoye by the little things said, and you know they're trying to force their parenting styles on you etc. Also shes make alottle comments here and there about the state of our house which yes whilst not as mentally clean as it was pre pregnancy isn't untidy or dirty. I just ignore most of it becuase I don't want to have a row or upset my husband.

Now I'm pregnant again I'm feeling very similar to you again. I don't realy like having her around my son, she acts like he is hers and flat ignores my wishes as far as parenting goes. In the end I've had to have a word with my husband becuase I'm getting so upset about it all to the point where I can't be around her and it's not fair on my little boy not to spend time with his grandparents. I hope it's hormones again and it will go away after this bubs arrives. But right now I'm worried it will be even worse!

Awww Hun I really hope it is hormones and does calm down a bit after baby is born, for you and I both. It's an awful feeling isn't it. I can't imagine how hard it is for you when she refuses to stick to your parenting wishes, that would be a huge issue for me! I know our parenting styles will be very different, I'm sure she's still be breast feeding her sons now if she could lol. Whereas I want to get the baby into a routine as quickly as possible and I'm worried she won't respect that.

 

[Gillyboos]

Hormones definitely don't help. I started feeling like this about my mother in law when I was pregnant with my son. When he got here it went away a bit but still Id find myself getting annoye by the little things said, and you know they're trying to force their parenting styles on you etc. Also shes make alottle comments here and there about the state of our house which yes whilst not as mentally clean as it was pre pregnancy isn't untidy or dirty. I just ignore most of it becuase I don't want to have a row or upset my husband.

Now I'm pregnant again I'm feeling very similar to you again. I don't realy like having her around my son, she acts like he is hers and flat ignores my wishes as far as parenting goes. In the end I've had to have a word with my husband becuase I'm getting so upset about it all to the point where I can't be around her and it's not fair on my little boy not to spend time with his grandparents. I hope it's hormones again and it will go away after this bubs arrives. But right now I'm worried it will be even worse!

Awww Hun I really hope it is hormones and does calm down a bit after baby is born, for you and I both. It's an awful feeling isn't it. I can't imagine how hard it is for you when she refuses to stick to your parenting wishes, that would be a huge issue for me! I know our parenting styles will be very different, I'm sure she's still be breast feeding her sons now if she could lol. Whereas I want to get the baby into a routine as quickly as possible and I'm worried she won't respect that.

I think if your MiL does start undermining you that you should have a quiet word with your OH early on to nip it in the bud. I left it and my little boy is now 16 months, it all came tumbling out when I was really pissed off and I think it's harder for him to now ask her to back off. Fx your MiL will calm down though. xx